I didn’t love him when I told him. Or at least I didn’t understand it. And he knew it. I had told him so that he would die happy, and so that the guilt that had haunted me for a year would appease a bit. We both had our share of guilt and watching him deal with his, the guilt from the soul, made me determined to redeem myself. But he knew. He always did. If he had survived, we would have probably dated, but I don’t think it would have lasted. The Hellmouth had too many bad memories for us. And so I ran. Hard and fast. Grateful. Of him, of what he had done. Of everything he had provided. As the new day arrived, I smiled, free. And then we left, left for the lives he gave us.
We didn’t stop at Los Angeles. I think I shocked Willow and Xander most of all, but it was for the best. I was cookie dough, not yet bake, and I wasn’t in love with anybody, nor willing to enter into a relationship, or discussion of one. We went to England, settled in. Created a new Watchers Council. I finally was allowed my “normal” life, and I grabbed it with both hands. My relationship with Dawn grew with leaps and bounds, and we finally become friends. I even confronted my friends about the little betrayal episode back in Sunnydale. I think that felt bad about that, especially after what happened next. The closing of the Hellmouth, the loss of life. I went shopping, bought clothes. I went sightseeing. I became the 23 year old I wanted to be. But walking around England, all I could suddenly see, feel, touch, was him, and so I did what I always do, I ran.
I moved to Rome. According to Giles, it was pretty demon free. Which was good. Dawn and I had a good life there. I even got into a new relationship. The Immortal. He made me happy, in all senses of the word. But it was like Riley. I couldn’t love him. Not the way I loved Angel. Not the way I lov…cared for him. The Immortal was safe, reliable. I knew who, and what, he was, he couldn’t hurt me. Not like Angel. Not like him. What did I say to Willow, “But I can't help thinking — isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know its nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting.” I was right about Riley. But the Immortal makes me happy. I’m still cookie dough, but I think I’m starting to bake.
I thought I sensed them one night. Impossible, but I thought I did. Angel had had his goons follow me, but that problem had been dealt with. I left the Immortal early that night. The pain of Angel’s betrayal, joining Wolfram and Hart, stung deep. At least that’s what I told myself.
I heard about the battle against Wolfram and Hart. And their eventual defeat – Angel’s crew that is. According to the Slayers that went to check it out, no one survived. I almost felt bad, for not sending troops. But Los Angeles was Angel’s turf, and I had learnt better than to enter it. He was pissed enough about Dana as it was. And I was angry. What right did he have to join with Wolfram and Hart? And to not tell me about Conner – the slayers filled me in on that one as well. I moved on. Sent Slayers to control Los Angeles. Life continued.
I got married. Not to the Immortal. Apparently he wasn’t as “good” as I thought. But I did. I was finally happy and normal. Dave was great. He accepted every part of me, even the retired slayer that liked to get involved in fights. I had two children, a little girl – Joyce Tara– and a little boy – William Rupert – named after Angel, or his human self. Liam was just a too weird name in my opinion. Or at least that’s what I told myself.
I don’t think anyone believed me, but it didn’t matter. I was happy.
The children grew up. I finished a degree in counseling. Even though Wood dint think I was that good, someone up there did because I came top in my class. I focused on children, taking a job much like the one I did in Sunnydale. I became a grandmother as well. A slayer, a grandmother.
No, I didn’t realize I loved him in the Hellmouth. I didn’t realize it when I left England for Rome, or when I ran from the Immortal. I didn’t even realize it when I said “I do” to Dave.
I realized it on Andrew’s deathbed, when he told me. And the tears, the tears that had waited 30 years to fall, fell. Knowing that he was alive, even for less than a year, I realized that I had baked years ago. Before Dave, before the Immortal. I had baked when our hands had touched and burst into flame. Ironically, I had literally baked, and it took me 30 years to realize.
When I told him that I loved him in the Hellmouth, a part of me was telling him the truth. The 16 year old Buffy part. The part that believed love goes with pain. But that part, that part had been suppressed for so long, even since I became a Slayer, that even he, he who can read me like a book, didn't believe me. He used to, when I would study him late at night, allowing the 16 year old through, but in the Hellmouth, that was Slayer - Buffy through and through. And it showed.
I was 22 years old when he closed the Hellmouth. I found out he was alive at 52. I lasted 20 more years with a broken heart, living a life with a man that I thought I loved, only to realize that while I loved him, its not the passionate love I wanted as a child. That was reserved for him. He who had broken down all my defense and at the age of 72, dying, I returned home, to the place of our love, the oldest Slayer to live, his deepest desire, the reason he died, and died myself. Knowing without a doubt that when I returned to the heaven which I belong to, he would be there.
“Hello cutie”
The End
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!