How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
“Please don’t do this!” He pleaded with her, desperation laced his tone in a way that he didn’t quite recognize.
The girl brushed him off, slamming down the suitcase in her arms with force. “I have better people to spend my life with. People like Angel.” The words were spat out with malice, aiming to kick him where it hurt. It worked. Anything with cruelty that was thrown at him always hurt because it was from her.
The words stabbed his heart, and he had never felt lower. He refused to believe the cruelty in them. “No, you don’t mean that, luv. I know you don’t!”
The girl narrowed her eyes as she studied him, her expression unimpressed. Her eyes darkened. “I don’t love you, Spike. I never will.”
Spike shook his head frantically. He refused to believe that she didn’t love him. He thought that they were perfect, that they could support each other. He thought that their love weakened others in comparison.
There were so many ways to describe what he was feeling; anguish, despair, pain, disbelief, betrayal, hurt. Heartbroken and hopeless described it best. All his life he had been subjected to the cruelty of the people who had supposedly ‘loved’ him. Cecily had been the first; rejecting him because he was beneath her. But she didn’t see what he had to offer. This girl, this person he cherished so much that it hurt...she had seen that.
He knew rejection better than anyone. He knew the pain and he knew that love was sometimes too hurtful to revisit. But unlike many people he knew, he didn’t deny that all he wanted was to be loved and that he wasn’t afraid like other people.
He was soulless and he was a vampire. But that didn’t make him heartless either. Many men had been soulful but their acts had been vicious and inhumane. They lacked the ability to love and chose to exist as only a demon would.
Demons were somewhat justified in how they lived. They wanted to be cut off from the world of love and Spike understood why. These demons witnessed countless humans loving and losing love. In all their strong and proud glory, they were afraid to get hurt. They didn’t waste their time with sentiments and affection; they simply avoided it completely and went on their way. But they lost so much when they made that choice, to not love. They missed the opportunities that humans took. They missed the feel of soft lips on soft lips and caresses that made people feel special and precious. Who needed the strength and glory of a demon, when you had love to sustain your existence and will to live?
I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late
He wondered briefly if this was how his life would be lived. Alone and scared. He knew that even though at this moment, he was ready to give his entire being to her, it wouldn’t last for very long.
Rejection didn’t always have to do with love, though. It had to do with friendship, bonds and unspoken allies with people. He hadn’t ever had any of that. He had never had true friends, he had never had a bond with a person that didn’t include sex. He never had an ally to help him in his times of need.
The truth of the matter was that he had lived his entire existence alone. He desperately needed love to redeem himself and restore his life and ability to live. He needed love to cherish him and nourish his soul. He would gladly return the favor.
He knew that the dark-haired beauty in front of him did not want any of that. She was just in this relationship for a good time. He hated thinking about it. He liked to think that maybe she wanted more from him, more than just his body. It hurt when the realization became clear that it was not true. So he tried not to think about it like that. He tried to convince himself it was purely physical, so whenever she left him, it wouldn’t affect him the way it did. That was a stupid, illogical idea. It only hurt more. All of it hurt more because it was her. Everything with her seemed to bring pain and misery.
But oh... if only she would let him in. He could make her feel so bright and beautiful and happy. He could bring her real happiness, not the fake kind that she was convinced her friends brought her.
He did know that she was scared. She didn’t know the world anymore; she had been driven insane by controlling people. By people she had trusted. He had wanted to fix that and make the world a happy place again for her. The world could be like heaven sometimes. You only truly feared death when you met your partner because it meant leaving him or her forever.
Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror
He wanted her to know that love wasn’t a phenomenon or a joke. He wanted her to know that it could actually exist; her existence was not only to be a light creature living so intensely in the dark. He wanted her to know that she was something precious to him. He was…complete... when he was with her. She was his life. If she left, he truly had nothing to live for. She was his darkness, his light, his everything.
She looked at him with a coldness that caused him to tremble with sadness and lower his eyes to the floor in shame. He hated feeling vulnerable and helpless. He hated that she was making him feel this way.
“Spike, you need to get a grip. I. Don’t. Love. You.”
Prison gates won’t open up for me
On hands and knees I’m calling
“Aren’t I worth saving?”
Come please, I’m falling
All I scream for you
Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me, say it to me,
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it’s worth saving me
He said it in a whisper, wanting so much to believe that she truly loved him and believed in him. He didn’t want to be alone. He had spent 120 years alone. He didn’t want eternity anymore. Eternity was only a luxury to those in love. For those who were destined to be alone, eternity was simply pure torture.
He didn’t want it anymore. He just wanted her. Only her.
“Please. Please tell me I’m worth it.”
She laughed and though the sound was usually music to his ears, it only sounded of masked anguish covered by coldness. “Correction, Spike. You’re worthless.”
Tears spilled onto his cheeks, pure hurt and anguish etching its way permanently into his heart. The angst of the moment was too much to hold in. He sobbed like a little boy. He sobbed for the loss of it all. She had lost her way and power to love unconditionally. He had no hope, no purpose. He knew now that no one cared.
He cried out in pain when she punched him cruelly in the cheek.
“Stop being such a baby, my sweet.” She mocked his agony with sarcasm.
Spike lost all control. His demon screamed out in fury. He was so hurt, so furious at her lack of care for him.
All his life, he had been neglected. His passion and love had been ignored and had been pushed aside. He had become arrogant and cocky to hide the true hurt and damage that he had harbored for more than a century. He had struggled with his emotions and allowed no one to see them.
Except her.
She was special. Now she was throwing back his trust, love, body and heart roughly into his face.
He snapped.
Lunging for her, she didn’t expect him to attack. He grasped her shoulders and tackled her to the ground and without a second thought, plunged his fangs into her beautiful neck. The pure white column burst into red as his fangs imbedded themselves within her throat.
The sensations were wonderful. The essence of her blood was so powerful. He could taste it on his tongue as he lapped at her, pulling and pulling. It tasted sweet with a tang of bitterness. He had tasted her before, but he had never felt the bitterness. He supposed it had evolved throughout the years of her duty.
Sucking and sucking, he drained her dry. And before he could stop himself, she was dead.
Then reality slapped him hard in the face.
He pulled back, horrified at what he had done. Beyond horrified. He was devastated.
Staggering to his feet, his eyes glued to his dead lover, he stumbled to the kitchen in shock. He yanked open the drawer and snagged a knife. Walking back slowly to her still form he lay beside her, his face facing hers. He drew the knife slowly along the skin on his wrist and winced as he felt the cut deepen. He did the same to the other one and felt the blood pour out. He felt his life leaving him.
Joining their hands together, he closed his eyes as he took one last look at the woman he loved.
...Buffy Summers had killed him for his love.
Fini~
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!