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~*~
Chapter 2
~*~

Buffy looked around, half expecting to see Spike at her side, ready for patrol. She found herself feeling the now familiar pangs of disappointment when he was
nowhere to be seen.

The solitary Slayer was only beginning to remember how much she relied on Spike and how much she enjoyed his company, his friendship. She would never admit it to him, of course, but had to acknowledge to herself that he understood her better than anyone in her life ever had. She had thrown away the comfortable companionship they had built when she followed her urges to finally touch and taste the sexy vampire.

The memory of his gentle but firm hands that always knew just where, and how, to touch her body began to seduce her thoughts She could nearly feel his kisses,
hot in their urgency and yet tender at the same time. The sex had been beyond belief. Spike knew her body as well as her mind and soul. In the few short months they had been together, she had experienced things that she had never imagined two people could do to give and receive pleasure. He was single minded and amazingly talented in making sure Buffy was totally satisfied.

Buffy felt herself blush at the memories and was irritated by the overwhelming desire that washed over her. Spike was a tactile being, as was she, and she missed the teasing touches on patrol that subtly led up to a quick run to his crypt to explore those pleasures once again.

Sometimes after patrol Buffy would lay awake, consumed with memories of those nights. She would pull out the memories and let her hand slide beneath the elastic of her panties. As good as it felt, the pleasure was still lacking something. It could never match the passion that had brought down a house. Her hands never seemed to match the skills of her handsome vampire lover.

She remembered when she would kick in his door and pull his head down to hers, tongues seeking tongues, hands moving fast and certain. Their clothing seeming to melt away leaving only perfectly toned body against perfectly toned body. His hands, God, his hands! Moving surely and knowingly over her breasts, tugging on her erect nipples then moving lower and easily finding her wet and waiting quim.

Quim--his word, not hers. The way he said it sounded both dirty and worshipful at the same time. And worship he did, with fingers, tongue and finally, cock.

He always tried to turn it into lovemaking, but Buffy wasn’t having any of that. No sweetness or tenderness, and as little talk as possible. Spike had learned quickly what she wanted and how she wanted it.

Still, he would try to love her, to draw things out. He’d get this longing look on his face and try to say sweet words and turn the touches into caresses. That
was when she would use all those hurtful words, verbally staking him with them, making sure she remembered WHY she COULD not love him. Spike was evil, soulless, a thing really, not human at all; just a dead thing that pretended to be human, pretended to love. Then she would leave, never looking back at the destruction she knew she was leaving behind.

Buffy was sure she had done the right thing in ending it. Her friends would never accept Spike in that part of her life, they barely tolerated his help in the demon killing. Buffy had also finally accepted that the vampire had deeply felt emotions and truly did love her. She knew she had hurt him and just wanted to stop the pain.

She had gone from words chosen to build walls for herself and push him away to actual fists that had nearly killed him. Spike might have been unable to get up from the alley where she had left his bruised and bloodied body, after pouring out all of her self hatred on him. He could have dusted in the sunrise because of her, because of loving her. All the unbelievably pleasurable sex in the world wasn’t worth the pain
they were both enduring. Eventually, one of them was sure to kill the other, even though they had both lost the desire to do that years before.

With all that weighing on her mind, Buffy’d had no choice but to cut her losses. Spike didn’t deserve the kind of hurt she had been dishing out and she could
never, ever allow herself to openly love another vampire. She had lost too many loved ones to risk that. Still, she missed him, felt for him. She still looked for him, even a passing glimpse would do. No matter what her head might say, her heart still hurt when he wasn’t there.

She hadn’t really expected him to show up to Xander’s ill fated non-wedding. Buffy knew that Anya had invited Spike, but it was too soon since Buffy had ended the sick relationship that had passed as her love life for months now. No, the only surprise that day had been Xander walking out and leaving Anya to face a roomful of his family and their friends with the message that no marriage was going to take place.

Buffy wasn’t sure who she felt sorriest for: Xander who walked away from the only happiness he had seemed to have in all of the years Buffy had known him, or Anya who had hung her whole human existence on the man she loved. They were both loose cannons at this point. Running away had not helped Xander pull out of the depression he still wore like a heavy winter coat. Now Anya had disappeared and that worried the Slayer part of Buffy to no end.

Love was hard. Even a couple so obviously in love as Xander and Anya hadn’t gotten it right. No wonder Buffy had the track record she did. For years she had thought her only chance at happiness had a big fat curse attached to it. Since then, she had come to realize that Angel was in her past, but she couldn’t seem to see anyone in her future either.

Her last meeting with Angel, just after her return from the dead, had been awkward and the conversation stilted. Her long lost love seemed to be holding back a
lot of information about his life now. He could hardly wait to return to LA, and seemed vastly relieved when Buffy said she needed to get home.

Of course they had never been known for long, deep, talks, baring their souls to one another. It had all been about the passion of first love and the taste of forbidden fruit. Buffy would always love Angel, but she recognized the kind of love it was, at least. That last meeting had underscored that.

As for Spike…well, Buffy knew she had feelings for him. She simply refused to give a name to those feelings. She didn’t dare. She scarcely dared to think of him at all, but found herself unable to stop.

Buffy hadn’t seen a sign of Spike in weeks. Of course, after the last visit she had made to her former lover, she hadn’t actually sought him out. She had still expected him to come around though. Buffy had expected pleas and threats to get her to change her mind. If she were honest, Buffy was a bit disappointed that Spike just seemed to accept her ending their relationship without a word.

She watched for signs of him as she patrolled. In truth, that was the time when she wouldn’t have minded running into him. Patrols had been much easier with Spike acting as her back-up, fighting at her side. She had been more bruised and banged up since patrolling alone than she had been in years. She missed Spike. "At least, on patrol, that is", she qualified to herself.

In fact, just last week she could have really used Spike at her side. The Slayer had been nearly skewered by an ugly, waxy-looking demon with a wicked poison that could have really messed up her mind according to Willow. The Gargle….something demon had attacked Buffy just outside the place where the Scoobies had tracked the three nerds. It had only been a lucky blow from Buffy that had killed the big ugly. If Spike had been along, it would have been easily dealt with. Yes, she missed Spike on patrol a lot.

Buffy’s mind continued to be on everything else but patrolling and she had been surprised by four vampires newly risen from the grave. She should have been able to stake them in seconds, blindfolded, but instead found herself on the ground fighting for her life. Buffy had to keep her attention focused on her duty and forget the rest of it. She had patrolled on her own in the past and would just have to get back in the groove. That didn’t mean, however, that she had stopped wondering where Spike was and why he had been invisible for ages.

She hoped he hadn’t staked himself when she dumped him. Buffy felt her heart race in fear at the thought that he might have done such a thing. ‘No. He’d never do that. He would never just give up like that. He’s just laying low is all. Still, I’d better check to be sure he hasn’t passed out and turned into demon chow or something. He’s made a lot of enemies these last few years’, she said to herself. With that excuse, she quickly staked the last of the quartet of newbies, broke off patrol, and headed for Restview Cemetery and Spike’s crypt.

The door was ajar when she got there and the upper level showed signs of abandonment. The lower level still reeked of gun power and decayed demon bodies. There was no sign of Spike having been home lately. "Well, guess he found another place to live after we blew this one up", she muttered. As she turned to leave, however, she stumbled across his leather duster on the floor, abandoned. "What the……? He wouldn’t move and not take this", she decided.

Buffy began to light all the candles he had available in the crypt to do a more complete search. The place was abandoned, but blood was still in the fridge and it
didn’t look like his stuff was gone. His housekeeping had improved a lot since they had started spending lots of time in the crypt, but now it looked dusty and unkempt. There were subtle signs of a fight, with an overturned table and scattered books and bottles. Of course that could have been Spikeexercising his temper, she thought. "What the hell does this mean?", Buffy asked herself. She began to feel the fine threads of worry creep into her mind over her missing ex-lover.

She knew that she had hurt Spike badly by ending their relationship, but could not grasp the idea of what it might mean, this mess and no Spike. If he had left town, he would have taken his stuff. If he had moved, he would have taken it, too. No, the only thing not present was Spike. From the looks of everything, he hadn’t been there in quite a while.

How was she going to find him? Tara! She’d go find Tara and have the witch do a locator spell to find out where Spike had gone, if he was alright. Tara had seemed to be okay with knowing about their affair and Buffy was sure she could be trusted. Tara even seemed to actually like Spike, so she would be concerned about him, too. Tara was even around more now that she and Willow were slowly working their way back together. Yes, Buffy had a plan. It was time to act.

~*~
Chapter 3
~*~

"Hey, Buffster, Will’s found something in that bunch of stuff you found at Nerd Central the other night. Well, something more useful than that great stack of
classic X-Men comics that I now currently own", Xander said. His greeting sounded cheery enough, but they all knew his heart was still hurting from the wedding that wasn’t.

"She’s on the phone to the G-man right now about it. Seems the losers have something that lets them call demons from other dimensions like that escapee from Madame Tussaud’s you tussled with the other night. That makes them highly dangerous instead of just dangerously laughable. Will thinks Giles might even fly back to help us pull the plug on the mighty evil empire of lameness", he said. "Will also found out that they have cameras watching all of us. Not too sure what all they’ve seen, or how many cameras, but can I just say "ewwwwww" at the thought of any of them lurking around me at all", he said.

Buffy felt her heart leap at the thought of Giles coming back. She had missed him so much more than she had ever missed Hank, her own father. She wasn’t sure they needed him to defeat the three idiots that had been playing with her life, but she wasn’t about to tell Giles that.

Tara came in from the kitchen where she had been making a pot of tea for the Scoobies to drink while they continued their research into the self proclaimed "arch nemisises" of Buffy. She noticed the roughed up appearance of her Slayer friend and the rather bleak look on Buffy’s face.

"What’s wrong, Buffy, did something bad happen on patrol tonight. You l.l.l.look like some evil thing got a little too close for comfort. Anything we can help with?"Tara asked.

"Nah, you’re talking to SuperSlayer there, Tara", said Xander. He glanced at his second best friend and shrugged off her bedraggled appearance with a flash of a grin. "The only evil thing that’s been too close for comfort lately has been Spikey, and he’s been MIA for a while now, so no problemo, eh Buffy?", he continued.

"Actually, I could have used his strength and fighting skills tonight from the way my mind was doing the out to lunch thing. Four new vamps had me on the ropes for a while, if you can believe that. I think I just need a bit more rest than I’ve been getting lately. Mind if I skip the joys of research and just go take a nice cold shower, er, hot bath? I’ll get with Will after to get the low down on Warren and his minions. I hope Giles does come, we need to get rid of the distractions from those idiots and concentrate on plain old fashioned demon killing again".

"Sure, Buff, I’ll let Willow know you’re back in one piece and that she needs to fill you in after you’re squeaky clean Buffy again", Xander replied.

Tara followed Buffy into the kitchen as Buffy began to poke in the refrigerator looking for something to munch on while getting the bath water run. Slaying always caused Buffy to have certain needs to make themselves known. She could, at least, take care of one of them.

"Buffy, is it Spike?" Tara asked quietly. "I thought you had decided to stop seeing him, not that you had to, in my opinion. I mean, it’s okay if you do stop, but you don’t have to. Is it something to do with him that has you in such a mood? Your aura just screams sad and worried. You know I’m here if you want to talk or, you know, need anything".

Tara was proud that the Slayer had chosen to turn to her for counsel and comfort these last few months. She had always felt on the fringe of the group, a Scooby through marriage in a way, accepted because of her relationship with Willow. Actually, Tara was more sympathetic to Spike than the others because she sensed the same thing happening to him without the marginal acceptance. He was there fighting the good fight, but not being let in. Tara also knew how it felt to be in a relationship that was being kept as a dirty secret. She didn’t want to interfere, but deep down didn’t understand how Buffy could just walk away from the kind of love that seemed to drive the vampire. Then again, Spike had never tried to kill her, so maybe she wasn’t the best judge.

"I was going to come by your place tomorrow to talk about this, the walls having ears and all here. Spike is missing and it doesn’t look like it was exactly his idea. I was kinda hoping you could do a locator to make sure he’s, you know, still undead and all. I can’t ask Willow since she’s off the magics and I think it will take a bit of magic to find out where he went. I haven’t seen him since just after Riley and Sam left and I’m pretty worried. He left his duster and you know he never goes anywhere without that.", Buffy explained.

"Have you changed your mind, you know, about the whole Spuffy thing? You seem more than worried. Lately you have just really been radiating a sad aura that is strong enough for anyone sensitive to see. Remember, it’s okay to love him if you want to and I’m sure he’d be glad to get back together with you if you did", Tara said.

"The only radiating I remember was wearing that godawful dress to Xan’s wedding", Buffy tried to quip.

Neither girl had noticed Xander in the doorway of the kitchen. They did, however, hear the sound of his teacup as it shattered when it fell from his hand.

"Tell me I didn’t just hear what I think I heard. Buffy, you haven’t been seduced by the ‘Great White Hopeless’ have you?! God, after Angel, I was sure you’d never make that mistake again. Geez, Spike doesn’t even have a soul, Buff". Xander was incredulous.

"Spike might not have a soul, but he’s changed Xander and even you have to admit it". Tara was impassioned in her defense of the two tortured lovers. "He really does love Buffy. Remember last summer and how he stayed to help us and look after Dawn. He didn’t have any possible reward for that, yet he saved all of our lives more than once. He did it because he loved Buffy and knew she’d want him to help her friends. We can’t always chose who we care about, Xander, and it’s really Buffy’s decision who she should be with", Tara reminded him.. She felt t like she was defending herself and Willow by proxy, so her comments were charged with emotion.

"Xander, it’s over. I ended it. I knew it couldn’t work with Spike as ‘evil vampire’ and me with the calling to kill his kind. I’m not totally crazy. I learned way too much with Angel, so yes, I won’t let myself make that mistake again. Spike is just, WAS just, so kind, so understanding, when you guys brought me back. We
got close and, well, things happened. After the dancing demon guy you brought to town, well, we kinda kissed and things just got out of hand. It’s over, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care if he’s okay or not. Look, like it or not, Spike loves me, and he took the breakup hard. You should have seen his eyes, God!" Buffy’s voice had begun to quiver.

"Sounds like you maybe care about Spike too", Xander said. His face showed how much he wanted her to answer in the negative. "Please say that isn’t the case so I won’t have nightmares tonight", he pleaded with her.

Willow entered the kitchen and quickly caught on to the topic that was causing the tension among her loved ones. "Buffy, Xander doesn’t mean you’d be doing anything wrong. I mean, you can’t help loving someone", she said with a knowing look at Tara. "You know we’d back you up no matter who you love. Just so long as you’re happy, Buff. I mean, Spike hasn’t even tried to kill any of us in a long time and Tara is right, he’s even saved our lives a few times. I guess we could handle it if you were attracted to his pale, sexy goodness. After all, Xander almost married an ex-demon, he should understand. And you know, Riley leaving like he did and then Spike helping out with Glory and all, it would make sense if you were a little attracted", Willow said. She put on her best supporty face while looking from one friend to the other.

"I guess a rebound thing makes sense, Buffy, but I’m glad to hear you got over it", Xander said.

"Who said I’m over anything?! God, I don’t even know what I feel. All I’ve felt since it started was scared-- scared I’d lose my friends, scared I’d lose myself,
scared Giles would find out and have to tell the Council that their Slayer was drooling over another vampire, one without a soul this time. I really like him, guys. He’s different from the way he was when he was planning to kill us. Spike does love me and he really has tried to do good. That’s pretty amazing, especially since he doesn’t have a soul. I don’t know what I feel about Spike, okay, I just know I feel something. Right now, all I feel is worried that he’s gone missing", she said. The tears that welled in her eyes gave proof to her friends that Buffy was feeling something towards the irritating vampire, something powerful.

"I think I’d better leave now and take my not so happy thoughts with me. I’ll see you all tomorrow and we can get back to important things like nerd stompage", Xander said. With that, he turned and left the Summers’ house, leaving three confused girls in his wake.

"Buffy, Xander will be okay. He loves you no matter what. He just can’t get past the whole vampire thing, you know. Last summer he was even starting to act like he might even like Spike in a way. They shot pool together and hit the Bronze a time or two. I think it’s just the whole thing with Jesse and then Angel and remembering Spike’s a vampire that causes him to just reject any relationship between Spike and any of us. But you know Xander will always love you. We all will, won’t we Tara?" .

Tara nodded vigorously, overcome with tenderness for Buffy and love for Willow’s supporty side.

"I think I have a spell that Tara could use to try to find Spike", Willow promised and went upstairs to get the spell book with the locator in it.

"Do you love him, Buffy?" Tara asked quietly.

"I honestly don’t know, Tara. I haven’t let myself even think it through. I just know I miss him. I miss being with him and not just the sex, either. I can’t stand the thought of never seeing him again. I don’t even know if I CAN love, not just Spike. I’ve been frozen inside for so long I’m not sure there’s anything there anymore. It’s like Angel took my ability to love with him when he left. I didn’t want Riley to go, but it wasn’t any real heartbreak either. I never even gave him much thought until he came back with the Stepford wife. Then I feel my heart drop to think of never seeing Spike again and I just don’t know… Is that love? I don’t know. I just want him back and safe. I can worry about the Buffy-in-love soap opera later", she sighed.

"I think I’m going to take that bath now, if you don’t mind", Buffy said in a tired voice.

She ran into Willow on the stairs and started to say her goodnights.

"Oh, Buffy, I meant to tell you that Giles is coming back as soon as he can book a flight. He thinks that if these guys are summoning demons they might be more
dangerous than we thought, especially if they’re clueless about what they’e summoning. Maybe we shouldn’t tell Giles about Spike until later. Maybe even until he goes back to England I’m thinking. It will be enough to get Xander down to a simmer without having Giles go spastic on you too. I think I see why you were afraid to let any of us know. Don’t worry, Buffy, just take your bath and get some rest. It will all work out, you’ll see". Willow’s smile, and her faith in the future,were reassuring..




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