“Jesus To A Child”
As she walked through the cemetery gates, Buffy felt her stomach twist in knots; but to be honest, her stomach had already had a bad case of bubble guts-itis ever since she left the house, heading in the direction of Restfield with Dawn. Of course, as she saw Spike walking out of his crypt, the knots culminated into one large contusion that grew into what she was sure was a tumor. She swallowed, focusing on what was important.
“Spike, I need your help.”
“I think you’ve made it quite obvious how much my services aren’t needed.” There was no malice or sarcasm in his voice. His tone, being so matter-of-fact, stung somehow. He glanced at Dawn and scratched his brow. “Actually, uh, I was on my way…out.”
“Good thing we caught you before you left then,” Dawn said uneasily, sensing the tension between the two. Silence ensued, so Dawn added, “Gee, this is fun with the not talking. I’m thinking it might be easier if I just go inside while you guys hash out…stuff.”
“Dawn, go wait inside. I need to talk to Spike alone,” Buffy said, her eyes still locked on Spike. Dawn rolled her eyes at not being heard by her sister. As if that’s anything new. But then she really looked at the two and saw with worry that they were so busy warily staring at each other, they didn’t bother to look at her at all. She shifted her backpack on her shoulder and walked past them, heading into Spike’s crypt.
Spike glanced away briefly once he heard the door slam shut.
“This really isn’t…such a good idea. I have a thing I need to—”
“Things are majorly bad. Willow’s….Tara’s dead, and Willow has totally gone all Joe Pesci. But with magic.”
“What?”
“Um, you know. She’s being an irrational hothead killing people? Casino? Goodfellas?”
“No, I got that part. I meant…Tara?”
“It was Warren. He came to kill me, shot me, and Tara ended up with a stray bullet in the process.”
“My god…but you’re—” Spike paused as his hands involuntarily reached toward her. He dropped his head and his hands simultaneously, releasing a shaky sigh. “Sorry, I just…”
Buffy’s eyes watered. “I know my timing sucks…but I can’t do this alone. I…Everything is so messed up. I just need you to push it all aside—”
“Again with your needs, is it? When it’s convenient for you.” He said it in such a manner that it sounded caustic and wounded simultaneously.
“This isn’t about me. Or you. Not really. I just need to know that Dawn is safe. My best friend is hell bent on killing a bunch of innocent people, and there’s only so much I can handle at one time.”
“Yeah?” His voice wavered, and he finally looked up at her. She saw that his eyes were just as wet as hers. “Same here, pet. I’m not a sodding tennis ball. All of this back and forth…Why bring Dawn here? Why, after everything?”
“Because I know that if there is anyone capable of protecting her, keeping her safe, it’s you. I trust that you’ll—”
“Trust? No, you don’t trust me.”
She shook her head, just slightly, responding softly, “I do.” She took a step closer to him, not only invading his personal space, but also narrowing the perimeter of her own private bubble. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t, Spike.”
She paused, looking at him intently. He looked so vulnerable. At first, she thought it was because he wasn’t wearing his coat, but then she looked at his face, his entire demeanor, and realized it was much more than that.
Taking a deep breath, she continued, “When I said that I didn’t trust you before…I meant with my heart. All this time, it was like…there was only so much space for you there. When I got back, you were my friend, and then everything changed. And they kept changing, and I didn’t know how to deal.”
“I…I tried what I could Buffy.”
“I know. And things would have been better if…Okay, I’m not so good with the words, but here goes.”
She took a deep breath, crossed her arms across her chest, and looked at everywhere but at him.
“I used to have an open heart. The problem with that is it’s easier to break in half, you know? So instead, I kept it closed, thinking that was the best way to protect it. But when you keep it closed, like I did all these months since I came back…it won’t break, sure, but it’ll get crushed. Better to have a clean break than to be crushed. I realize that now. Of course, hindsight is always twenty/twenty.”
“What are you getting at, Buffy?”
“I don’t know, really.”
She looked at him then, opening her mouth, and then closed it abruptly. She frowned, looking off into the distance, collecting her thoughts. Turning her focus back on him, quietly, she began again.
“I shut myself off to you when we first became…when we first kissed. And by doing that, shutting you out one way, letting you in another, it compressed my insides, you know? By trying to spare myself, I just made it worse. I should’ve just taken a chance. I should have let myself be full of love because, Spike…”
Though she felt the tears on her cheeks and saw the pain in his eyes, she kept going. “Being full of all that hate—hate for myself and hate for you loving me, couldn’t have been better than the alternative.”
“And what’s that?” he questioned softly.
“Not being afraid to let myself love you back. Maybe if this had happened before I died, it’d have been different.”
“But it wasn’t. We can’t change what happened. Can’t ever go back.”
“Don’t wanna. Wasn’t that much fun, what with the wallowing,” she said with a wry smile.
Though it took him some effort, he returned it just as wryly, if not more so. “Agreed. So…where does this leave us?”
“Well, I don’t want to fight, or shag, or hate you till it makes me quiver…so can we learn to be friends again? Because I miss it. Especially now. Good friends are few and far between, and with one on the warpath, and another gone…I don’t just need your help, Spike. I want it. I need you here.”
He stared at her for a moment, considering her request, weighing what he thought needed to be done, and what she needed him to do—to protect Dawn.
Even after all of the hell they’d been through—after everything…
“’Til the end of the world, right?” Spike said. He couldn’t help but give a tremulous smile. It gave her hope, quelling the heaviness that dwelled in her insides. She knew then that he would still stay by her side. It was comfort. It was…everything.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!