“Buffy?” Spike called her name as he walked into the Summers house. He didn’t get a response but he could hear her heartbeat. He walked up the stairs, following her scent. When he reached the second level he noticed that the bathroom door was ajar.
“Buffy?” he gave a knock before pushing it open. Buffy sat on the rim of her bathtub with a knife in her right hand. She pressed the blade deeper into her left wrist but frowned as her slayer healing intervened before any serious blood loss could occur.
“I don’t think the Powers want me to go back” she said softly as she tried to cut her wrist again. He didn’t say anything; he just sat down next to her and took her left hand in his. He felt slightly better when her hand squeezed his lightly. They sat there for a long time before Buffy finally dropped the knife and leant her head against his shoulder.
Spike stroked her hair and watched as her shoulders trembled. Tears made their way down her cheeks “I don’t want to be here” she whispered through her tears.
Spike just nodded, he knew that she hated being on this earth, hated having to take care of everything, and hated living day in and day out like she was ok. If he said anything now she wouldn’t tell him anything and keep it inside.
“I’ve tried so many times” she whispered as more tears rolled down her face “I tried with knifes, pills, everything and Spike it doesn’t work” she shuddered as more sobs racked her body. Spike hated seeing her in pain and this was breaking his heart.
“I lie to them each day, I pretend I’m alright and they believe it! I say I’m fine and they go off and live their lives as if what they did was fucking right!” Spike felt his heart ache for the beautiful woman in front of him pouring her heart out “They don’t know how much I wish that I was dead” she whispered the last part and Spike closed his eyes, if she left again he wouldn’t be able to take it.
She threw her arms around him in a fierce hug which he returned tentatively. He didn’t know how long they sat there for but when they heard Dawn come through the door they broke apart. Buffy gave him a smile but it didn’t reach her eyes, he brushed a lock of hair out of her face before standing and going down the stairs.
Buffy watched him go and went down to face her sister.
When she reached the kitchen she saw Dawn eating a sandwich “Finally decide to come and greet me huh” Dawn said coldly. Buffy didn’t answer; she just stared at her baby sister.
Dawn looked up to see her sister with red eyes, tear stained cheeks and a slightly quivering lower lip, she frowned “Buffy” she said uncertainly. Buffy moved to cup Dawn’s cheek and closed her eyes when Dawn flinched.
“Dawnie...I love you” Buffy’s voice was shaky but her eyes conveyed her feelings.
Dawn watched her closely “are you okay?” she asked worriedly but Buffy stayed silent.
“No Dawn I’m really not okay, but I don’t want you to worry about me and just remember that I love you so much” Buffy said before leaving the kitchen. Dawn sat there in a stupor for a few seconds before following her.
“Buffy, where are you going?” she asked in a nervous tone, her sister did not seem like she should be going anywhere at the moment.
“To die” she answered with a laugh that was anything but cheerful.
“Buffy” Dawn grabbed her hand “No please, just sit down and talk to me” her blue eyes were wide with fright.
“Dawn let go” she said dangerously, the teenager retracted her hand and Buffy walked out into the night.
Dawn ran to the phone dialling a familiar number “Spike? It’s Dawn.....Buffy she’s going somewhere, I couldn’t stop her; please you have to help her” Dawn had started to cry and Spike quickly agreed before hanging up.
Buffy walked through one of the many cemeteries in Sunnydale, not even giving Spike with a look when he came up next to her. “Buffy” he grabbed her hand and she yanked it out of his grip.
“Leave me alone! No one cares so why should you?”she spat the words at him.
“Buffy, I care because I love you” Spike looked directly into her eyes and her lower lip trembled.
“No you don’t! Stop lying to me” she said heatedly, not noticing that tears were already sliding down her cheeks.
“I love you” he said clearly and put his arms around her. She struggled in his arms, hitting him hard across the face and against his chest. Spike didn’t let is faze him and held her tighter, he had to break her before he could do anything to help her.
“You don’t care!” she yelled at him as more tears rolled down her face, her hits began to weaken until she was just slapping him “Nobody cares! I was in heaven!” she cried out through her tears as she began to sink to the ground, taking Spike with her. He held her tighter as she cried against his chest.
“S’alright I got you, I care about you, I love you Buffy” he whispered as she clung to him.
Willow stood with Xander, Tara and Anya at the cemetery gates, tears were sliding down her cheeks at her friend’s revelation.
Buffy continued crying as a downpour started, they all remained oblivious to the pouring rain as they digested the information. Spike pulled the slayer tighter against his chest and whispered calming words to her as she wept for, she wept for the pain of being ripped out of heaven and for the loss of her mother.
Her friends slowly made their way out of the cemetery, leaving the two blondes alone; Xander didn’t even make a remark about Buffy being in Spike’s arms.
~~~~~~~~
The following morning Buffy woke with a smile on her lips, he’d helped her and it was time to give Spike his crumb.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!