Time—Shortly after dawn, May 6, 2003
Dear Spike,
By the time you read this, the sun will be well up, so you are pretty much trapped there until dusk, which is just as well. This way, if I don’t manage to make it back, you can tell Faith what you told me last night about Caleb and the vineyard. It’s something that she will need to know if she is to get any of those girls out of this alive. And on the subject of Faith, PLEASE go back and convince her that she needs your help in what’s to come. I don’t really blame her for what happened last night, and you shouldn’t either. There were mistakes made all around, beginning with me not discussing what my plans were with her, Willow, and the others before springing it on them in front of the girls the way that I did. Faith was right to question me, and she was right to take command when it became plain that I couldn’t stay there. She’s the only one who could lead the girls in my place. Giles and Willow are great planners, but they get too bogged down in the planning to ever get to the doing before it’s too late, and Xander…well, he’s Xander. That about sums that matter up. But I digress.
Mainly, I’m writing this to make sure that, whatever happens today, I am most certainly NOT just using you for cold comfort, then leaving, how did you put it? “Virtue flying?” The Buffy and Spike in that scenario died over the summer, and the two who are here now are, I believe, much better people. I know that you are. I pray that I am, and that you will let me prove it to you once we get this current mess straightened out.
You see, I figured something out last night while I was lying here in your arms. I think that I’ve known for quite some time now, but just couldn’t bring myself to admit it, even to myself. You see, Spike, YOU’RE the one, too. The one who has never left me, who has never betrayed me, even when we were enemies. You’re the one who gave up the most, and suffered the most, so that you could become the most. And you did it all for me. That’s without a doubt the greatest thing that anyone has ever done for me. The greatest gift that anyone has ever given me. You are my greatest strength, my most powerful weapon, and my most loyal supporter. You hold a place in my heart that no one else could ever hope to fill. When this is over, I want to go somewhere where we can be alone, just the two of us, and discuss what our future holds.
I really hope that you like cookie dough.
With all of my love
Buffy
Los Angeles, California
Wolfram & Hart Building
C E O’s Office
October I, 2003
Dear Angel
I finally have enough time to sit down and write you something a bit more lengthy and detailed than my last hastily scribbled note, “Apocalypse averted. No need for second front.” The girls, being Slayers now, were, of course, almost completely healed of any physical wounds within a few days, but the psychological trauma of fighting for their first time as full fledged Slayers in literally the pits of hell has taken longer to get over. Also, finding temporary housing for a group as large as ours has become has been a challenge, to say the least. (On that note, Giles has found some records in the Watchers’ Archives that indicate that they owned what he describes as a perfect location to set up Slayer Central somewhere in Europe, so we’ll be headed there within the next few days)
That isn’t really the reason for this letter, though. I wanted to try and give you some kind of better answer to your questions that night in Sunnydale. Even I thought that the “cookie dough” thing was way lame. Also, I think that I owe you some kind of better answer to just what my relationship with Spike is, or was. So here goes.
The truth of the matter is, forever and always, Angel, I am your girl. I owe Spike so much, so very much, for his loyalty and support over the last few years, even before I knew that he really was supporting me, that I would never, ever be able to repay him. He told me about Riley’s vampire ho addiction, and, though I could have killed him for it at the time, I can now see that it was something that I really needed to know, both for Riley’s well being and my own. He suffered torture from Glory rather than betray me or my family. He was a friend and comfort to my mother during her last few months. During the time that I was dead, he protected Dawn and helped the gang patrol Sunnydale, despite never being accepted or trusted by them. When I returned, he was the only one who I could trust with my secrets, the only one who never let me sink into a puddle of self pity once everyone found out what they had done to me. He gave me his strength, his support, his council, and even, in my darkest times, his body, to use, abuse, and degrade however I wished. In order to keep me from torturing myself, he allowed me to torture and degrade him. When the time came that his soul, or lack thereof, became an issue and a danger to me, he left Sunnydale, just like you did under the same circumstances. Instead of accepting the situation, though, he chose to do something about it. He did the impossible, the unthinkable, the unbelievable. He regained, literally fought and suffered for, his very soul. He willingly suffered all of that. For me.
In the end, after being tortured once more to protect me, he remained loyal to me, even after all of my other friends abandoned me, going so far as to die in my place in order to save a world that saw him as a murderer and a monster. Despite all of that, I could never, ever be Spike’s girl, though it took me awhile to figure out exactly why.
A girl is someone who you protect, because you don’t think that she is capable of protecting herself. A girl is someone who you make decisions for, because she can’t be trusted to make them for herself. A girl is someone whose battles you fight because you don’t think that she can fight them for herself. I will always be your girl.
I am Spike’s lady. As long as we have been friends, he has been at my side when trouble comes. He has supported my every decision. He has given me strength when I was at my weakest, comfort during my greatest pain, and unquestioning loyalty always. I was never Spike’s girl. I was always his lady, even before I was willing to admit it myself. I am still, and always will be, for as long as I may live, Spike’s lady.
And I will have him back, human or vampire, with or without a soul. I have Willow searching in every heaven and hell dimension for his soul. Once it is found, I will either bring him to where I am, or willingly join him wherever he is. Because I am Spike’s lady.
I hope that you can understand and accept this.
Your girl,
Buffy
Los Angeles, California
Wolfram & Hart Building
C E O’s Office
May 10,2004
Dear Angel
I just got a report from Andrew that you and an “unidentified colleague” were in Rome last week and had a run in with a character called the Immortal, and that, while you were there, you mistakenly thought that our agent there, who has the job of impersonating me, was, in fact,…well…me. I’m sorry for all of the confusion, as well as the trouble that you and, I assume, Wesley, had to go through there on my account, especially when I wasn’t even there to go through all of that trouble for.
Actually, we’re in England at the moment, but we’ll be leaving tomorrow to supervise renovations on a great old castle in the Scottish Highlands that will be our permanent base of operations. It’s isolated, secure, a perfect place for training Slayers, and has literally enough room to house an entire army. About the only drawback is that, being as isolated as it is, mail service is completely non existent, but Giles has promised to forward anything that you might send to me in care of him.
I received some bad news from Willow just yesterday. Her search is complete. She’s done a careful search through all of the heaven and hell dimensions, and there is no trace of Spike’s soul in any of them. Though I know that there was never any real love lost between the two of you, I felt that you should know, being that he is your vampiric grandson, that both his body and soul were totally consumed by the fire in the Hellmouth.
Sincerely
Buffy
(P S- You might notice that we now have our own mailing address, so you can now reach us directly, without having to go through Giles.)
Los Angeles, California
Wolfram & Hart Building
CEO’s Office
May 17, 2004
As usual, Spike neither knocked nor asked permission when entering Angel’s office, he just strolled in, regardless of who, or what, Angel might be occupied with. But this was the day before the battle, the time of preparation, the time for getting affairs in order.
“Whadda you need, Peaches?” the smaller vampire asked, taking a seat directly in front of Angel’s desk and propping his feet up on the desktop. “I was about to head out for…well…you know..” Even when alone, none of the conspirators mentioned the next day’s activities for fear of discovery.
“I’ve got something that you should see.” Angel answered. “ Something that you really should have seen before now, but I just…” He shoved a file folder across the desk. “These are from Buffy. I thought that it would be best for you to not ever see them, better for Buffy, anyhow. Now,” He actually lowered his eyes, unwilling to meet Spike’s gaze.” Now. I think that you have a right to know.” He stood and headed for the door. “I’ll give you some privacy.” Then, as an afterthought, “I was wrong, William. Jealous, and wrong. For what it’s worth now, I’m sorry.” The door closed behind him, and Spike was alone.
He slowly opened the folder and immediately recognized the small, neat script. “Buffy…” and began to read slowly.
Los Angeles, California
May 17, 2004
Hello, love.
Bet you never expected to hear from me again this side of hell, did you? Well, truth be told, I really didn’t plan on you hearing from me this way, either. See, it’s really a sort of complicated story, but the condensed version is like this. I didn’t stay dead. Well, you know about that from personal experience, right? Anyhow, I wound up here in Angel’s new place and was kinda stuck here for several weeks. By the time that I COULD get away, Peaches had botched things up so completely that I had to stay and straighten his mess out.. I was about fed up, and was planning on heading out for Europe when we got word that you, or that OTHER you, as it turns out, were happily cavorting around the Eternal City with the Immortal. I just figured that, given your happiness and all, you would be just as well off not having to be bothered with the Cellar Dweller anymore. Guess that I was wrong all along.
If you mean it, still mean it, REALLY mean it, the bit about being my lady and all, just drop me a note or come by in a few days, and we’ll try to work things out. I would come to you, I swear, except for that mess that Peaches has gotten us all into. It’s safe to say that it’s about to hit the fan here in LA, and I’ve gotta do my part to set things straight again.
I’ve got an honest to goodness apartment now, no crypt, and my address is below, in case you want to get in touch. If not, I’ll understand.
Always
Spike
Scotland
July 15, 2009
Dear Spike
While clearing up Giles’ final affairs and going through his various files and documents, I found the file containing the letters sent to me by both you and Angel, letters that he took the responsibility upon himself to keep from me “for my own good.” God, but I’m getting tired of people doing that to me!
I don’t know if this address is still current, but just in case it is, I am sending this. Hopefully it will reach you, wherever you are.
YOU GOD******, STUPID, UNGRATEFUL, UNCARING, SON OF A *****!!! OF COURSE I REALLY MEANT WHAT I SAID, EVERY MOTHER******* WORD OF IT AND YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE STUPIDEST ***HOLE IN THIS OR ANY OTHER WORLD FOR EVER DOUBTING ME FOR ONE GOD****** SECOND! I POURED MY ****ING HEART OUT TO YOU, SHOWED YOU A SIDE OF ME THAN NO OTHER ******* ALIVE OR DEAD HAS EVER SEEN AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE, THE STUPIDITY, THE VERY IDIOCY TO DOUBT ME? I TOLD YOU THAT I LOVED YOU WHILE STANDING ON THE VERY BRINK OF HELL, AND YOU ****ING LEAVE ME WITH “NO YOU DON’T, BUT THANKS FOR SAYING IT” TO REMEMBER FOREVER AS WHAT I BELIEVED WOULD BE THE LAST GOD****** WORDS THAT I WOULD EVER HEAR FROM YOU.
MISTER, YOU HAD BETTER PRAY TO WHATEVER GOD THAT VAMPIRES BELIEVE IN THAT YOU SURVIVE THE *** KICKING THAT I AM ABOUT TO GIVE YOU ONCE I TRACK YOU DOWN. GET YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER, MR. WILLIAM THE ******* BLOODY. SLAYER OF GOD****** SLAYERS, BECAUSE THIS LITTLE SLAYER IS COMING TO RETRIEVE HER ******* PROPERTY, AND THAT PROPERTY IS YOU, GOD**** IT! YOU ARE MINE, AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MINE, AND IF YOU EVER EVEN THINK OF LEAVING ME AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY KICK YOUR *** UP AND DOWN EVERY ******* MOUNTAIN, HILL, AND ROCK PILE IN ******* SCOTLAND. IS THAT PERFECTLY CLEAR?
With all of my love,
Forever and always,
Your lady
P S—Just something for you to be thinking about: when I do find you, I won’t be wearing any underwear. Does that give you any ideas, you Big Bad ******* monster
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!