Spike sat in the tub; his head against the sill and his eyes shut as he thought about the day before when Buffy’s lips had been pressed upon his own with such passion and fever he could still feel them. Her body still heated his even though she was no where near him and that just made it worse. For the first time, in two years, he had felt wanted, needed, and above all – loved. The one thing he strived towards but never seemed to get. It was heaven and hell all in one.
He sat up when her scent hit him and he rattled the chains. She was here. Her scent was all around him now and all he could think about was how she felt pressed up against him and how her mouth tasted so sweet. It was enough to make a vampire go crazy.
There was another scent, now. The wanker was there. He growled deeply as he heard the voice which confirmed that it was indeed captain cardboard come to chat with the watcher and slayer. A slayer that had been his only a few wonderful hours before. A slayer that had loved him with all her heart, so much that she would have married him.
He sighed, leaning his head against the sill of the tub, his chained hands resting in his lap as he sat uncomfortably in the tub. Right now, he was so close to heaven and hell that it hurt. Heaven being the slayer who was so close, hell being the fact that he couldn’t have her. Then again, the only reason she loved him yesterday was because of Red’s spell and he had tried to convince himself that that was also the reason as to why he loved her but he found that he was a very bad liar. He knew he had felt something like physical attraction towards her the moment he saw her fight. But who wouldn’t? The way she moves her body as she dances is intoxicating. Dru hinted over and over that it was something more which was most likely why she went happily to Angelus’s arms when he had returned but that was almost two years ago now. Maybe even more. He didn’t really know. He seemed to have lost time a while back. When, he couldn’t really remember.
“I don’t want to!” Spike looked towards the closed door of the bathroom, hearing Buffy. He could imagine her now, her lower lip jutting out, just begging to be nibbled on. Of course, if Finn even went near her lips, Spike knew he would kill himself while trying to off idiot. He knew he would succeed and he knew it would be well worth it too because Buffy deserved so much better than Riley Finn.
“Just feed him the blood, Buffy, please.” That’s why she’s making a fuss, she doesn’t want to see me, Spike mused. He sighed, looking away from the door and returning his gaze to the ceiling. He could hear her grumbling and soon coming towards the bathroom. Soon enough, the bathroom door opened and Buffy entered, novelty mug in hand with straw. She sat herself on the sill, thrusting the mug out to him. He didn’t move, only starred at the wall, doing a great impression of being dead. To bad he already was.
“Will you drink the damn blood so I can go?” she growled, staring at him. He slowly turned his head towards her, looking at her with cold, unfeeling eyes before sitting up. “Thank you.” He growled, grabbing the mug with his hands and pushing it at her, causing blood to spill all over her blouse and his chip to activate, causing him to yell in pain. “What the hell is your problem?” He growled, holding the side of his head with his hands.
“You are my bloody problem. You, you bloody bint.”
“What did I do to you?” she asked. She was now standing, her hands on her hips, angry enough not to worry about the blood that was now staining her pink shirt.
“You ruined my bloody unlife! You are the cause for everything that has gone wrong in my life for the past two bloody years. I bet you’re the one that had it all planned out to neuter me! I bet you were working with wankers. You’re obviously sleeping with them.”
“What does that mean?” Buffy asked outraged.
“His smell is all over you. What? I can smell it. You’ve been fucking him all night!”
“And you’re mad about that? That’s the reason you spilt your disgusting pigs blood all over me? Because I’m sleeping with my boyfriend? God, that chip has done more damage than we’ve thought.” Spike looked away from her. “I hate you,” she answered when he didn’t reply.
“Feelings mutual love. So please leave, that smell you are wearing is going to make me puke, and I’m sure you don’t want that all over your nice shoes now do you?” Buffy growled angrily before storming out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Spike glared at the door as if willing her to come back. Her scent and Finns now filled the room. He leaned over the tub as much as he could and threw up the contents of his empty stomach before leaning his head back up against the sill and falling asleep.
Buffy returned to Giles’s apartment later on that night after having freshly showered and changed. The shirt she had been wearing was now making its home in the dumpster behind the cafeteria. She opened the door to find everyone gathered in the hall while she heard some retching noise. She pushed her way through Anya and Xander to find Giles in the bathroom with a wet cloth in his hands as Spike threw up pig’s blood into the toilet with his hands bound behind his back.
He finally stopped, sitting back on the tile floor, his eyes closed as Giles kindly wiped his mouth clean. “Trying to kill me, Watcher?” Spike joked weakly. Giles only smiled weakly.
“If we wanted you dead, you’d be dust by now. Do you know how this came about?” Spike shook his head as her scent filled his nostrils. She didn’t smell like him anymore. He didn’t look at her though. It was bad enough that she had seen him defenseless but seeing him this weak just made it all worse.
“I think there might have been something wrong with the blood, diseased. Guess I was too hungry from wasting my first mug to notice the ill smell,” Spike replied as he began to kneel on his knees. He took in deep unneeded breaths. “Do you think I could have a cup of water to get the taste out of my mouth?” Giles nodded, pushing himself out the door to retrieve a glass of water from the kitchen.
“What happened?” Buffy asked as she entered the bathroom. Spike looked up at her, a smirk gracing his pale chapped lips. His eyes held something much like resentment, anger, and shame but Buffy didn’t take any notice to it.
“Why Slayer, I didn’t know you cared,” he stated sarcastically to which Buffy only sighed and left, causing Anya, Xander, and the witches to retreat to the living room, leaving Spike alone. He sighed, closing his eyes as he sat, his head now leaning against the tub sill yet again.
Giles leaned against the kitchen counter, his hands feverently cleaning his glasses as he tried to figure out what was wrong with the vampire who was currently sitting on his bathroom floor. “He’s acting!” Buffy stated when she entered the kitchen. Giles sighed, putting his glasses back on while realizing that his hands now had nothing to occupy them with.
“No he is not. Vampires rarely, if ever, vomit. I do believe this is the second ever that a vampire has ever regurgitated what he has eaten. His body is dead therefore there is nothing in the stomach to cause such a reaction. There is something seriously wrong with Spike and if we do not find out what, he could be dust by tomorrow evening,” Giles informed, opening the cabinet and grabbing a glass.
“Great! One less vampire I have to worry about,” Buffy retorted. “I don’t even understand why we’re helping him; he’s been nothing but trouble for us. He’s tried to kill us numerous times on so many different levels or am I the only one who remembers. Hello, Giles. Don’t you remember? He just stood by and watched what Angelus did to you!” Giles grasped the edge of the counter, leaning on it as he closed his eyes.
“If I remember correctly, you had made a pact with him to stop Angelus from sending the world to hell. Also, while at the time it didn’t seem like it, he did stop Angelus from killing me. It’s time for you to stop acting childish Buffy and move on. I understand that you don’t like Spike and he doesn’t like you. What you don’t seem to realize is that there is so much Spike could tell us. About the Initiative, about his past, about slayers. He killed two slayers Buffy, he could help us understand why.”
“All the more reason to let him die! What do you think will happen if the chip stops working? He’ll say thanks and swear off human blood. He’ll become our friend and part of the team. That he’ll tell us everything he knows and help out all slayers in the future. I’ll tell you what will happen; he’ll break out of those chains and suck everybody in this room dry. I say we let him die, who else agrees?” Buffy raised her hand, fallowed by a tentative Xander.
“Glad to see that some people want me alive,” Spike stated as he entered the room to see that the witches, the ex-demon, and watcher had not raised their hands. He had expected the whelp to so that came as no surprise, but it hurt to see that Buffy was the main cause for the conversation. She felt nothing for him. “Can I please be in the conversation next time it involves my life?”
“What are you doing out here?” Buffy snapped as she glared at the vampire.
“Came to see why it was taking so long to get some water, or maybe the fact being that I’m staying here,” he stated as if it was the only answer. Buffy rolled her eyes and Spike turned towards Giles. “So, I’m going to die. How peachy.”
“You’re not going to die Spike. I just have to pull out some of the old books that I managed to keep hidden from the council when they fired me. We’ll have it all sorted out by tonight, I promise.” Spike nodded.
“Do you think I could loose the ropes?” he asked hopefully. Buffy stared at him pointedly. “Come on! It’s not like I can bite anyone! I’m totally harmless and dieing! Just take the bloody ropes off!” She looked over at Giles who nodded before grumbling and untying the ropes that binded him. He shook them off, massaging his wrists afterwards while mumbling a small thanks.
“So, this means research party?” Willow asked. Giles nodded and Xander smiled.
“I’ll go get snacks. We always need snacks!” he stated happily.
“I think I still have some more Willow’s sorry cookies,” Willow suggested as she took the book Giles handed her. Spike sighed, walking into the kitchen and filling the glass full of water. He quickly downed it, filling up another glass and rinsing his mouth. He frowned when he saw remnants of blood in the water.
The only thing he could think was that he really was going to die.
Spike walked back into the living room after spending the last half hour vomiting in the bathroom. He had vomited more blood than he wished. His felt light headed and weak but he pushed back with a strong willed thought and sat down next to the slayer who had fallen asleep on the couch. Xander and Anya had fallen asleep on the stairs while Willow in a chair and Tara on the floor next to Willow’s feet. Giles was sitting in the chair opposite to Willow, rubbing his eyes as he tried not to fall asleep. Spike only sighed, shaking his head. They had found nothing and had gone through almost every book that Giles possessed, even old magazines from three years before.
“Go to sleep Giles, I’ll finish the books. You rest,” Spike stated as he picked up a small leather bound book to begin to read. Giles nodded, getting up from his seat.
“Yes, that’s a good idea,” he stated yawning before retiring upstairs to his bedroom. Spike sighed, opening the book to a random page, not to find the usual texts and pictures of demons but nice, old fashioned scrawl, much like his own when he was human. He stared at the print, running his fingers over the pages before he began to read.
20th of August 1880
I woke up this morning with the same sense of dread. Mother is getting worse and I fear I shall loose her to the Lord at any moment. She keeps to her bed most of the time and only rises for meals and if she feels up to it and is stubborn enough, a few minuets after tea to hear me recite my poetry. I honestly don’t know what I will do if I loose her. She seems to be the only one who believes in me, the only one who cares what I think. I don’t really belong anywhere.
I know what my acquaintances say of me. I know what they call me when I have turned away. William the Bloody Awful Poet-
Spike stopped, holding the book away from him. It couldn’t be. How would Giles have his old journal in his possession? How? He flipped the pages to find similar entries, some containing dates that were of importance and others containing some of the most horrendous poetry he had ever written. Did Giles realize he had the journal of the Slayer of Slayers? He flipped to last entry.
16th of October 1881
My heart has been shattered into pieces. Where I thought she had always considered me a friend, I was wrong. Not only does she agree with the others but she has even stated out loud to me that I am beneath her. Oh, Cecily. Where had I gone wrong? I know my poetry isn’t at all great and I know I may seem so dull but beneath her? What don’t I possess that every other man possesses. I have the money, the estate, all of it. I have the knowledge, the creativity. I just don’t understand.
Her words still ring in my ear and it hurts so. ‘You are beneath me, William. I could never love you or see you as you see me. You are beneath me’
Spike through the book on the table before retreating to the bathroom, shutting the door with a slam, to vomit yet again. Buffy jerked awake, looking around the darkened room. Everyone was asleep from what she could tell. Giles had gone to his bathroom and where was the thorn in her side. She cringed when she heard him in the bathroom. She sighed, looking at the table to find the book which Spike had been reading. Curious, she picked it up and read the same page that Spike had been reading only a few moments before.
Tears began to spring to her eyes as she read the entry, feeling sorry for the man who had gone through such pain. She could only imagine what he had felt. She flipped the pages afterwards to find them blank, ready to be filled. Had he hurt himself, disappeared, given up on the love that he seemed have lost? It made her sad to think of it. She wiped away her tears and settled on reading more about the mysterious William, or at least that was the plan until Spike emerged from the bathroom, his eyes gold with no speck of blue left.
Spike walked over to find Buffy on the couch holding his old journal in her hands, her eyes a little red from crying. “What do you think you’re doing?” he growled, angry at the possibility she could be reading his deepest darkest secrets. He had buried William a long time ago and had intended to keep it that way. “Give me that journal.”
“Why? It’s not yours!” Buffy retorted, holding the journal close to her.
“Slayer, if you know what’s best for you, you will give me that journal right now because believe me, if I have to, I will force it from you and to hell with the massive headache I will receive,” he growled. She looked up at him, somewhat frightened by his tone of voice and his eyes. She looked back at the journal before finally handing it to him. He sighed, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, they had returned to their natural blue. “Did you read any of it?”
“Only an entry, the last one. Why are you so obsessed out the thing, anyway?” she asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
“Forget about the entry. Forget about why I want it and forget about how I am going to destroy it. It is no ones business but mine,” he stated calmly, walking over to the coat rack where his duster rested. He began to dig in the pockets for his zippo when Buffy got up and came towards him.
“Destroy it! I can’t let you do that Spike! That’s history and Giles had it for an obvious reason and besides, it’s not even yours.” Spike stood straight, his back to her as he clutched the journal in his hand.
“Do you want to know what happened to poor, sweet, innocent, naive William?” he asked. When she didn’t answer, he continued. “He ran out into the night, shredding the poetry he had written for the woman he had admired. He walked into a dark ally in the streets of London and sat on a crate and continued to shred the poetry while he wept. As he wept, a dark figure approached him and asked him why his was crying. He looked up to see a pale creature, unearthly pale but since the bastard was so stupid, he answered instead of getting up and getting out like a sane person would. The creature offered him a world of no pain, where everything would be beautiful and being the idealist that William was he accepted.” Spike turned and looked down at Buffy and began to walk towards her as she backed up.
“William the Bloody Awful Poet died that night in the arms of a dark angel who would be his companion along with two other creatures like her for the part of the next century. It was during this time that William the Bloody Awful Poet came to be known as just William the bloody or the Slayer of Slayers which is my personal favorite.” Buffy gasped when he legs came into contact with the back of the couch. “I buried William a long time ago and I intend to keep him dead where he belongs. So, forget all about the journal and forget everything I’ve told you. Don’t try to stop me. It’s mine and belongs to me so I will burn it if I want to, do you understand?” Buffy nodded, her eyes locked with the vampire’s blue ones which were filled with anger, shame, and sadness. He nodded before turning around and walking out into the night to burn the journal.
Buffy fallowed him outside, watching him as he flicked the zippo open and lighted it. “Is that really what happened to you? That’s the story of how you were turned?” Spike looked back at her, slightly confused as to why she had fallowed him out.
“Yes.”
“So that girl, Cecily, she really said-“
“Yes Buffy, can you please not bring up my bloody past? I don’t like to remember. It-“ he stopped, not finishing the sentence but pleading silently that she wouldn’t push. She looked kind of shocked at the use of her name. He seemed so sad and all because of a past which hadn’t been too great. No wonder he had agreed to become a vampire. No wonder he turned out the way he did, always hiding behind a mask. He was too afraid of being hurt again.
She sighed, nodding her head as she watched him bring the flame to the book. She chewed on her thumb nail as she watched only to drop her hand when the book wouldn’t catch fire. “What the bloody hell?” Spike cursed. He growled, opening the book to set the pages of fire but they only went through unharmed. “You have to be shitting me.”
“Maybe you’re not doing it right,” she suggested quietly. He looked back at her annoyed before holding the zippo and book out to her.
“You try then.” She nodded, taking the book in her left hand and the zippo in her right. She flicked it open looking at Spike as she settled her thumb on the flint wheel who nodded before she turned it with the fluid motion of her thumb causing a long flame to appear at the wick. She brought it to the pages slowly, still looking at Spike when he noticed something. “Stop!” she pulled the lighter away, having burnt anything as Spike took his journal in his hands and looked at the inscription at the bottom of the back cover. “This wasn’t here before. I don’t remember it at all,” he stated. “Liessies specialis accedo perturbo. What the hell does that mean?”
“I don’t know, Willow or Giles could translate,” she stated, taking the journal back from him. He sighed nodded. “Come on Spike, let’s get back inside,” she stated with a small smile. She walked towards the door, her hand on the handle when she turned around to find him still standing there, confused. “Well are you coming?” she asked her smile a little bigger before a bright light surrounded her. Spike shielded his eyes with his arm. When he called out her name, she didn’t answer and when he brought his arm back down, he found his journal and no Buffy.