squawks 05/18/17 04:16 am pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories! pj 03/20/17 01:20 am 10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well. Rabbit_moon1 12/23/16 01:12 pm I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up! AudryDaluz1 10/06/16 08:34 am Great post. Chrissel 08/31/16 03:45 pm And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;) Chrissel 08/31/16 03:43 pm Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
So here's 'the fish incident', as referred to in the main NSWS story. It's short and to the point, I think. This was beta'd by the lovely Sanity Fair, whose sanity I test with every collaboration due to my forgetfulness and rampant stupidity. Thank you again, hon *kiss*
Caution: those with a fear of extreme silliness, piss off now cause I don't want to hear your moaning. Don't be clicking on a story called The Fish Incident and expecting Dr Zhivago. I have a feeling life will be letting you down a lot. We all clear? Ahead lays silliness. Okay? Comprende vous? Oh yeah, I speak-a-tha-French.
"Just move it over there."
"Oh 'just', eh? Like it's that bloody easy."
"You have super strength, Spike. It is that easy."
"Well, why don't you do it then? I seem to recall you being something of a superhero, luv."
"What am I wearing, Spike?"
[puzzled] "What?"
"What. Am. I. Wearing."
"Don't talk to me like I'm a fool, Buffy."
"Well, don't act like one then. It's a simple question, Spike."
[huff] "You're wearing a bloody stupid t-shirt that looks like it got caught in a shredder, that's what."
[clenched teeth] "I am wearing a Karen Millen top that cost me over £100! Which is the reason I am not going to be the one to move the fish tank. Designer top plus over-sploshing fish tank water equals pissed off Buffy!"
"You don't have to swim in the bloody thing! Just move it across the room."
"No. You move it."
[mumbling] "God-fucking-bastarding-hell."
"Stop moaning and do it!"
"You know, you are unbelievable, woman!"
"Why thank you. Now, I'm going into the kitchen to unpack the utensils and I swear to god, if by the time I get back that fish tank isn't against the wall, there will be hell to pay. You hear me. Hell."
[clenched teeth] "Why didn't you put it in the place you wanted it before you put the water and the soddin' fish back in it, eh?"
"Because Clarence was getting claustrophobic and sea sick in the bowl, that's why!"
"Goddamn ... come here, you little bastard! Stop flapping around! You slippery little--HAH!"
[squish]
"Oh shit."
"Spike, what the hell is going on in--"
[a beat]
"I can explain."
"What have you--"
"It toppled! And--"
"Where's Clarence?"
"I pushed it too hard and then it toppled and the top fell off--"
"Where. Is. Clarence?"
"--and then the whole thing just fell forward and smashed and I tried to pick him up, Slayer! I did! But he kept wriggling out of my hands and--"
[clenched teeth] "Where. Is. He?"
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? It was an accident! He just kept leaping out of my hands and then I leaned forward to catch him again but then--"
"WHERE'S MY FUCKING FISH, SPIKE?"
[lifts boot]
"Oh my God! Clarence!"
"It wasn't my fault, Buffy! He leapt out of my hands and I took a step forward to catch him but he kinda got there before me and then, well--"
"You stood on him! Oh God, my poor baby!"
"I'm really, really sorry, luv. I'm so-- What are you doing?"
[pats Clarence] "Come on, baby, mummy's got you!"
"Buffy, puffing him up isn't going to help--"
"Oh, like I need advice from the fish-killer! Just don't move, Spike. Stay right there!"
"Luv, come on, it's just a--"
"Do not finish that sentence, Spike, or I swear to God I will kill you."
"I know you're upset, luv, but come on--"
"Come on, nothing! Just stay there!" [soothing] "Come on, baby, breathe!"
"I can see his insides, Buffy. He's dead, you can't-- What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm breathing into him, Spike! That's what you do to save people!"
"He's not a bloody person! He's a fish!"
"And what? That means I shouldn't try to save him, huh? I shouldn't bother because he's not like us? Somehow he's less than worthy of life? Why shouldn't I do this, Spike, huh?"
"Because fish don't breath air, you nitwit."
"Oh--oh shit, well ..." [plops in vase] "There you go baby, there's some water, that'll make you all better."
[silence]
"I'm not a marine-biologist but I'm pretty sure a healthy fish doesn't sink."
[cries] "Oh God! My poor Clarence!"
"Oh baby, I really am sorry."
"He's the only pet I've ever really loved! The only one I've never killed!"
[mumbling] "Not directly, anyway."
"I can't believe you did this!"
"Hey! It's not like I did it on purpose, you know."
"Oh please! You've always hated Clarence!"
"Buffy, come on. I didn't hate your stupid fish, okay?"
"Then why did you murder him!?"
"I didn't murder him! It. Was. An. Accident!"
"You never had any respect for him at all! It was always 'your fish is retarded, Buffy'. 'Stop spoiling that fish, Buffy'. 'Fish don't eat chocolate, Buffy'--"
"Well, they don't! Look, I didn't plan to do this, Buffy, it just happened and I'm really sorry." [a beat] "Do you want me to flush him, pet?"
[glare] "ARGH! You sonovabitch!"
"OW! Jesus, Buffy! You're acting like a crazy person!"
"Oh! So first you kill my fish and now I'm crazy, huh? Are you just itching to fit in a dust buster, Spike!"
"This is ridiculous, woman! It. Was. An. Accident! Why are you being such a bitch about this!"
"Because I know you did this on purpose!"
"Oh yeah? Well how do we know he didn't deliberately jump under my boot to get the hell away from you and your over-protective cooing?"
"You can't actually be trying to blame me for this!"
"Hey, I told you, didn't I? I told you to empty it out first but noooo, no, no! Buffy always knows better and now look at us: you're just through giving mouth to mouth to a Siamese Fighting Fish and I have innards on my favourite boots!"
"God, how could I ever think you changed! You're just the same old soulless killer, aren't you?"
[sarcastic] "Yeah. This really brings it all back, you know? Me and Dru breaking into pet shops, me going straight for the fish while she tortured the guinea pigs."
"Stop it, Spike--"
"And if we were feeling real adventurous, we'd finish it all off by spinning the hamster wheels so fast they'd turn green!"
"I am never going to forgive you for this, Spike! Never!"
[laughs maniacally] "Oh that is priceless! Are you seriously telling me that sexual violence and multiple attempts on your life were just speedbumps but squishing your goldfish is a brick wall?"
"I leave you alone for five minutes - five minutes! And you smashed my fishtank, got water all over the carpet and squished my little baby, Clarence. I have never been so glad in my life that you're sterile! I can't imagine what you'd do to a baby that diverted my attention away from you for half a second."
"Are you honestly telling me you think I killed that little sucker because I was jealous of the attention you gave him?"
".. and then he stood on him! ... Yes! ... He just stood there all aloof like it meant nothing ... I kicked him out ... Yes, because of the fish ... Stop laughing, Giles, it's not funny ... No, it's not!"
"... and then she kicked me out! ... Yes, because of the fish ... Stop laughing, Red!"
----------------------------------------
"Aw, they're so cute, Spike! I love them, thank you."
"No problems, ducks. I'm just happy to be home."
"I'm happy to have you home. I'm sorry I was so--"
"Irrational?"
[glare] "Are you comfortable using that tone of voice?"
[clears throat] "So what're you gonna call them, luv?"
"I'm not sure yet."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just-- I think maybe you were right before. I got too attached to Clarence. Maybe I shouldn't get so--"
"Hey, don't be like that. These are your new fish and you should absolutely name them and love them and not worry about anything bad happening to them, okay?"
"You think?"
"Yes, ducks. Besides, I have a feeling these two'll be around for a long time."
"Red? ... Yeah, she loves them ... Nope, not a clue ... And you're sure they'll last? ... Hey, I'm not pointing any fingers but you gotta admit, you don't have best track record with spells going right where I'm involved ... Of course I'm not going to tell her! ... Because she'll freak that's why! ... No, you're right, Buffy would be totally okay with you and me gifting her bespelled mechanical fish that cannot die--"
[shouting] "Spike? Did the pet-shop owner tell you what kind of fish food they like? Cause they're not eating this stuff!"
[shouting] "I'll be there in a minute, pet!" [whispering] "I gotta go, Red. I've got some robot fish to force-feed."
