My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,
So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.
Emily Dickenson
--
The air is misty and cold though Buffy doesn’t notice the chilling temperature. Thick green foliage can be seen through the fog that surrounds her. She walks slowly through the forest crunching twigs and dead leaves as she moves. The bottom and sleeves of her long black dress drag on the ground and snare upon the stems of plants, but she keeps walking. Through the mist Buffy see’s something up ahead. There is a light waiting for her. It glows softly and enticingly drawing the blonde slayer near. Snap, Buffy twists around suddenly at a sound from behind.
She looks back and her face changes. Her eyes lighten from their dark green to a bright yellow and her forehead lumps up around her eyes. She morphs into a vampire. Now facing the other end of the hazy woods Buffy sees Spike standing still before her. His leather coat billows around his form and he wears a vampire mask just as she does. Buffy then notices that his arm is extended to her with his palm facing the cloudy sky.
“Let me lead you into the darkness,” Spike says to her. His voice is velvety smooth and oh so seductive.
Through yellow eyes Buffy looks at her former lover. His eyes, even in their yellowed hue, look so reassuring, so trustworthy but she doesn’t trust his words. The darkness is not where she wants to be. Across the wrist of his outreached hand Buffy realizes that he’s injured. His wrist is bleeding; tiny droplets of the crimson liquid fall through the mist and land upon the leaves of plants below causing their stems to bend and reach toward the ground.
“Buffy,” A caring voice calls from behind and Buffy spins back around at the sound forgetting Spike as she does.
She looks to where she saw the white light before. Then through the mist she sees her. Surrounded by light is Buffy’s mother dressed in a long white gown. Her features are perfect and Angelic and she seems to glow as she stands before her daughter. Joyce steps closer to Buffy and lightly touches her daughter's face. Buffy closes her eyes for a moment feeling so peaceful in the presence of her mom. Joyce’s fingers run over the ridges of her vampire visage and Buffy brings a hand up to place over her moms. As she touches Joyce’s fingers she feel’s her own face. Her fingers run over the ridges across her forehead and she discovers her vampire form for the first time.
“Mom,” Buffy says with fear in her voice. Her yellow eyes open wide and her other hand reaches up to her face to explore it as well.
“Shh… its okay Buffy, I’m here.”
“I’m a vampire,” Buffy says in an uneasy tone.
“Buffy listen to me… you’re not strong enough to win this fight.” Her words are still caring but firm.
“That’s what the shadowmen said.”
“And they were right.”
“But I can’t… they wanted to make me less human… I turned them down… there’s no other way.”
“Yes… there is… Buffy listen to me. Listen close, you know what to do.” Joyce’s eyes stare deep and intensely at her daughter.
“But… my soul.”
“Remember Willow’s spell sweetie? She put your soul back in your body and it will remain with your body until it all fades away and turns to dust.”
“I don’t understand… how…”
“Shh… I have to go now. Put your trust in him. I love you.” Joyce runs her fingers across Buffy’s face once again then as if she were floating slowly backs away.
“Mom, no wait…” Buffy’s words trail off as her mother disappears back into the mist. She reaches her hand out into the space to reach for Joyce, but she’s gone. The mist grows thicker. Whiteness surrounds Buffy; it swarms around her and consumes her. Then from no where and everywhere at once there is a voice in the wind. “Death is your gift,” it says in a whispery echo.
--
In an instant Buffy’s eyes fly open and she bolts upright in bed. Her hands immediately dart to her face and as she feels her skin she finds herself relieved that it’s smooth and lacking the vampire bumpies from her dream. She’s drenched in sweat and panting heavily.
It was a dream, just a dream she reminds herself. No, not just a dream, a slayer dream, Buffy thinks as she replays the images of her mother over in her head. Let me lead you into the darkness, Buffy takes a deep breath as the thought enters her mind of what she must do to win this battle. Put your trust in him. She runs her fingers through her hair and lies back down to stare at the ceiling, she knows however that sleep will escape her for the rest of the night.
Earlier that day her interaction with the shadowmen had scared her. They wanted to make her less human and Buffy wouldn’t let them; but by the time Willow had come to talk to her she already regretted that decision. This battle will be bigger then anything she’s ever faced before and Buffy knows she’s not strong enough to win it. Buffy shakes her head for a moment then raises her hands to cover her eyes.
Thoughts of this battle make her feel like a scared little girl, a weak and helpless child standing at the mouth of hell, and it’s ready to swallow her whole. Buffy’s eyes squeeze tight and well up with tears. She brushes them away hastily and takes another deep breath then tries to force her mind to calm and for sleep to come once again. She knows she needs more sleep; dealing with her dream will have to wait until morning.
As Buffy tosses and turns one phrase repeats over and over in her mind. Death is your gift.