‘Well, this is a lot harder than I thought it’d be.’ Buffy thought, trying to arrange her hair back into some semblance of professionalism in the bathroom mirror of the local mall. The florescent lighting was doing nothing at all to boost her self-confidence, she could see every wrinkle in her outfit, and her skin, every smudge in her makeup and every flyaway hair. Applying for jobs had changed since her high school days, she’d gone out ready to be personable, speak to managers and request applications, she’d stocked up on pens and made sure to look her best. When she’d actually worked up her nerve and started going into places, however, she’d largely been directed to apply online or, in a few cases, at little computer stations in the back of the store. She felt defeated, out of touch and old, her life had spiraled beyond her control and it was too late to do anything about it, she was just going to have to resign herself to her routine. Maybe she should take up a hobby, like birdwatching or watching paint dry, something to give her a little excitement.
Sighing, she gave up on her hair and ran her hands down the front of her skirt, smoothing out the wrinkles. She took a deep breath, looked her mirror self in the eye and tried to portray confidence as she spoke aloud, “You can do this. It’s just a little set back. It’s different but, hey, easier cause now you can sit at home in your pajamas and get a job! Plus, no driving around from place to place like you’ve been doing all day. So, really, this is a good thing. Things have changed for the better.”
She gave a little nod and concentrated on her posture, holding her head up as she left the bathroom and made her way through the mall and back to her minivan.
“So, Buffy, how did your, uh, job search go?” Riley asked, the word “job” sounded foreign and off putting the way he said it. Buffy looked up from cutting Dawn’s chicken, surprised he’d asked. He’d been against her finding a job, couldn’t understand why a life spent waiting for him wasn’t enough for her. He’d urged her to get a hobby, to volunteer or join in with the society wives of his coworkers organizing charity dinners. Buffy hadn’t been able to really explain to him why getting a job was so important to her, how having something just for herself, something for her to do and be that gave her an identity apart from being a wife and mother seemed so vital. He thought it was just a whim, that it had come on suddenly and would disappear just as quickly. Words had never been Buffy’s strong point, she couldn’t explain to him that it hadn’t been sudden at all, that it had been building for a long time. She’d watched all of her friends build careers and social lives, travel and make friends beyond their circle and she’d felt stuck and directionless and a little pathetic in comparison. So she had just let him think it was an impulse, no different than when she fixated on finding the perfect purse to go with an outfit or decided to try a new dish for dinner.
“Umm, not so well, actually,” she found it was a hard thing to admit to him.
“That’s too bad,” he said like he didn’t think it was bad at all, “but, you know, it’s not too late for me to let Lenora know you’re interested in helping to plan that murder mystery dinner the company is throwing. It’s for some sort of animal charity. You like animals, it’d be perfect!”
“Riley…I-”
“I can talk to Robert in the morning, you’ll be great at it, sweetie, and I’m sure all of the other wives will like you if you just make an effort to be personable! What do you think, Dawn? Don’t you think Mommy would love helping out all the animals?”
Dawn smiled up at her Daddy, a green bean half in and half out of her mouth, then turned to Buffy, “Yeah! Mommy likes kitties! Can we bring a kitty home, Mommy?” She looked optimistic, despite having been told many times in the past that she couldn’t have an animal until she was old enough to help care for it.
“Dawnie, honey, you know that’s a talk we can have later. You have to be old enough, remember?” Buffy said gently
“Yeah, but I’m almost old, soon I’ll be as big as you.”
“That’s right, you’re gonna be a big girl soon.” Buffy watched as Dawn went contentedly back to her food before turning to her husband. “Riley, we talked about this.”
“Well gee, Buff, I know but that was before you went out on this little job hunt of yours. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but the way you’ve been acting all evening, it seems to me it was kind of a flop.” She sometimes wondered if he knew how condescending he could sound. She made sure to keep her voice calm and even, hyper aware of her daughter’s presence and their ‘no arguing in front of Dawn rule.’
“It was only one day and, yeah, I’m a little bummed but I’m not giving up! I just didn’t realize how much things changed with the whole computer revolution thing. I’m going to get online tonight and fill out as many applications as I can. I’ll totally be all with the job having by this time next week!”
Riley just looked reproachfully at his mashed potatoes and dinner finished in silence.
Buffy sat cross-legged on the plush couch, her bright pink and yellow plaid pajamas a shocking contrast to the soft blue and grey tones of the family room. Dawn was playing at gardening with her toy vegetables and little toy pots and gardening tools on the rug in front of her while Riley watched a college basketball game from the comfort of his recliner. Buffy was typing away on the laptop filling out application after application, copy and pasting her sad little resume to all of the local businesses with a web page. Every now and then a commercial would come on and Riley would shoot her a half confused, half disapproving glance but he didn’t say anything more. She was grateful for that, despite her earlier bravado she felt discouraged enough without his help.
Finishing up the latest application, this one to the Expresso Pump, she let out a small sigh as she glanced at the clock, standing to stretch before heading back to Riley’s study to put the laptop away. Riley’s study was a lesson in deliberate masculinity, full of weighty, dark wood furniture and heavy burgundy carpeting and drapes. There was no hint of delicacy or a feminine touch, nothing gentle or light about the room. She circumvented the drink cart loaded down with expensive alcohols and glasses that she knew Riley only kept around to impress guests, he much preferred one of the beers from the refrigerator, and opened the door to one of the cabinets built into the wall behind his desk. The cabinet hid another laptop, a printer, a fax machine and various other home office equipment. She sat the laptop in its place and turned to leave but a small pink post it note on Riley’s desk caught her eye.
It looked so strange there amid all of the yellow post its that Riley used, he’d never be caught dead using something pink. Walking closer to the desk she noticed a name, Melissa written above a phone number. For a fleeting second a feeling of suspicion and nervous energy shot through her before she shook it off, Riley had lots of post its with lots of numbers, there next to Melissa was a Mr. Johnson, a Mr. Miller and a Mr. Reed, all with phone numbers. How ridiculous of her to entertain at all the thought that her husband might be unfaithful. Riley had never shown any indication of disloyalty in all the time she had known him. She shook her head a little at her moment of irrational paranoia, deciding that the apprehension and stress of her job hunt was doing funny things to her emotional state and made her way back to the family room to kiss Riley goodnight and get Dawn ready for bed.