Touch. To feel. We all strive for it, burn for it, die for it. We spend our whole lives trying to feel, trying to touch others, have them touch us back. Life is made for one, one mind, one soul, one heart, yet we beat ourselves to the ground, trying to find someone to share it all with us. We give our hearts, our bodies and our minds, in a desperate attempt not to be alone. Because that's what it comes down to, isn't it? No one wants to ever be truly alone, we all need the sympathetic ear, the caring embrace, the loving smile. We need it to feel alive, we need to touch, need to feel because otherwise we aren't really living, are we?
I used you. I admit it now. I admit and regret it. But I accept it. I needed to feel, needed to touch. I felt so alone, so out of sync with everything in my life that I was desperate for any little smidgen of feeling, any little crumb. And you were there, and you were willing. Holding your love out in front of you for everyone to see, shielding it with hard words and harsh blows, but still holding it up, no matter how bloody and mangled it got. And I needed that, needed you. God, a year ago, I would've died before even thinking that, but it was true. It's as true now as it was then. I needed you, because no matter how much I tried to hide from it, no one had ever loved me like you did.
Angel got the easy end of the stick. Fresh, unscarred little girl, ready for love. Of all the men in my life, he was the easiest to love. I know it sounds ridiculous if you look at the battlefield of our relationship, but it's true. When I met him I was untarnished, whole, pure. I could love him like I had never been hurt before because I never had. I could afford to give him everything I had, because I had no idea what would happen if I did. Falling into love with him was like slipping into a warm bath. Easy, comforting, and simple. I know you don't want to hear this, but you have to know. I owe you this much. You need to know why I couldn't love you until it was too late.
Riley was a little harder, my encounter with Angel had taken away some of my shine, tarnished the purity. But I wanted to love him, wanted the normalcy that I thought he could give me. It should have been easy, loving him. He was exactly what I thought I wanted, and what I should've loved. But I didn't, and he knew it. He should've been perfect, should've been the man I was waiting for, but I couldn't love him.
And then there was you. My enemy, my antagonist, the perfect epitome of what I was supposed to fight. Hating you was easy, it came as naturally as loving Angel had. You were evil, I should kill you. Except I never could. I would hide it, say I needed you as an ally, that I couldn't kill one of the few people on my side. But the truth is; I needed you then, just like I need you now. You were so wrong, so dark, and I could feel those things inside me. I needed to understand why that was. Maybe it was the whole Slayer power comes from a demon thing, I still don't know, but I needed it, thirsted for it.
And that's exactly why I couldn't love you, why I couldn't accept that you loved me. You were dark and wrong, and I needed that to stay the same. Everything had changed since I had become a Slayer, the only thing that was constant was that vampires were evil, soulless creatures that knew nothing of light or love. I needed to hold onto that last little constant or else, what would I have? Everything I had ever known, ever felt had changed so drastically, I needed that to stay the same. Because if that wasn't true, what else was?
But still you loved me. No matter how many times I beat you, cut you, ripped your heart into a thousand little pieces, you still loved me. I mean, Christ, you got your soul for me. You threw away everything you had and felt and was, just to give me what I needed. I guess that's the rub, isn't it? I refused to change for you, but you did it with barely a moment's pause. You changed a thousand times over, in a million different ways, only wanting me to see that what you felt was real.
I admit it, when I first realized that you got your soul, I was afraid. Afraid that it was only the demon in you that loved me, just like it was only the man in Angel that loved me. And that's when I started to realize that I had already accepted your love, already thrown away my concrete belief that all vampires were evil, love-less monsters. I realized that your unfailing, unwavering love had become the constant in my life, and I couldn't stand to be without it. And still you loved me, in spite of everything, all I had done, all you had done, you still loved me.
I started to change then, started to need different things. Needed to see your smile, your body fighting beside me, your protective embrace. Started to feel you making your way through my veins, through my mind, and I couldn't let you go. When I found out that Giles had conspired with Robin to kill you, I nearly killed him. He was the Watcher, the image of the men who had taken my life away from me and handed me the Slayer package as reimbursement, and now he wanted to take you away from me too? It was too much, too many emotions, too much feeling.
I still didn't love you though, as much as I hate to admit, I didn't love you yet, despite everything. But when you followed after me, after everyone else threw me out, I knew. You showed me your heart, the love you had kept burning through hell and back, and I felt it. And when you held me that night, your arms holding me tight, protecting me, loving me, it was the closest to perfection that I could ever hope to attain.
So, here I am, your ashes in my hair, your fire scalded into my hand, your love all around me, and I finally understand. Finally feel. I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul, and I'm almost bursting with the force of it. I love you.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!