By DarkSlaya
~~~~~~~
I hate the world today
You’re so good to me
I know but I can’t change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me
Like maybe there’s an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
~~~~
No matter how much I tell him, it never gets through to him... or me for that fact. Everyday I tell him that I can’t love him and never will because he’s just a soulless thing. And every night I surrender myself to him.
It’s not just his fault anymore; it’s also mine. At first it was just him, him and his charm that worked on me like a line, hook, and sinker just like he knew it would. Now, I can admit I try to reel him in as well, but only for escape and lust. It will never be love.
And now as he stands in front of me tonight, leaning against the tree and smoking a cigarette looking as gorgeous as ever, I try and tell him again. “Spike, I can’t keep doing this, I need to go home some nights you know. I have a life and it needs me.”
He flashes me that seductive smirk of his and it instantly melts me. Right then I know I’ll give in to him yet again. I hate how he has that effect on me; it drives me into a temporary insanity. “If you don’t get away from that life of yours sometimes you’ll go insane, Luv.”
How does he do that? Just read my mind. Did I mention how much I hate that too? “Well...yeah I guess so but...” Before I could finish, he already had taken my hand in his and led me to his crypt where I’d stay for the remainder of the night.
~~~~~~~~
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side
~~~~~
Two nights after, he had insisted on walking me home from work, he figured that I shouldn’t be walking home alone in the dark...as if I can’t take care of myself and kick someone’s ass if need be.
Then we got to talking. Which is rare for us and when we do it’s usually about something completely random or something depressing. Tonight’s case, depressing. And I could have killed myself for how I broke down and let him see it.
“God, I really do dislike working at that place, it’s so annoying with its stupid uniforms and horrible smells and weird weirdness.” Of course I had to be the one to start up the conversation. Stupid Buffy.
“You need to get out of there. Like I’ve said a thousand bleedin’ times over, you need to get the ‘ell out of that place before it soddin kills you.” He said matter of factly. It always bothers me when he’s right. But nonetheless, I can’t stop working.
“I have to work, Spike. If I don’t, I can’t keep Dawn or the house or pay bills. And don’t say you can get me money ‘cause you know I’ll say no to that because I can’t be depending on you.” So I was proving my point. Or trying to at least, hoping it would end at that.
“Buffy, Luv, it *is* killing you. Hell even I can see it. You aren’t the working type, or at least not in a money making way. Your job is to fight the world and protect those who live in it; someone else should be bringing you the money.” Spike always had to do that, say things that got me so worked up.
I pouted and that pout soon turned into a light sobbing. I saw a bench and focused on getting to that bench and sitting down. And that’s exactly what I did, hiding my face in my hands so he wouldn’t have to see me cry, even though it didn’t bother him.
Sensing him sit next to me, I scooted over. Though I’m unsure if it was to give him some space or to keep my distance. Nevertheless he put his arm around me, I couldn’t tell if it was a comforting gesture, never can tell with Spike. “It’ll be all right, Pet.” His words were so soothing, something about them just made me believe him. If it were anyone else saying them, I’d have instantly denied that it would in fact be ok. And I found myself leaning against him.
No sooner had I realized it, I pulled away and wiped my tears away. “Oh god, I can’t believe I let you see me like this.” I stood up quickly and started walking again, unable to look at him for some reason.
“Buffy...” He grabbed my arm lightly to stop me. “...there is nothing wrong with letting it out sometimes. It shows that you aren’t hard all the way through. Shows you’ve got a soft side.” No one is supposed to see my softer side, I thought to myself. And now he has seen it...knowing Spike, that will change things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
I'm a bitch
I’m a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
~~~~~~
“You are such a bitch Summers!” Ok so maybe it won’t change a thing. He always yells at me like that when I tell him to get lost. He doesn’t get it that now that he’s walked me home I want to actually go inside and relax.
“I have to go inside. I need to take care of Dawn, give her dinner. I find myself playing mommy a lot more these days, so therefore you need to go.” By now I was pleading with him and boy did I ever wish he could see that.
“You aren’t mummy though, you’re only a child yourself, you need to have some fun.” Why did he always have to hint at ‘fun’? He gets on my very last nerve.
“Give it a break, Spike.” Rolling my eyes I walk up onto my porch, hoping to escape. Just my luck though, Spike follows me like a lost puppy yet again. “What part of give it a break don’t you understand?”
“Oh I get it all...” He brushes a stray hair away from my face as he says that, sending chills up my spine. “...I get that you need to be a mother to Dawn, but you’re still a child inside. Which is why you come to me. I get that you’re the biggest bitch I know but can be more loving than anyone. And I get that you have it in your mind that what we have is wrong, you convince yourself it’s a sin, because you feel you aren’t allowed to do any wrong. Which, is why I’m gonna give you a break.” Then he smiled at me, and walked down the steps and into the dark night. And for that one moment, I realized that he was the only one that really knew me, and I was no longer ashamed, of anything.
I still wasn’t telling anyone about us though. I couldn’t risk the rejection of my friends...but were they really even true friends to me anymore? Of course they were. He just has me convinced otherwise. Maybe it wasn’t him; it’s just me being a bitch. I’ll never admit that to anyone either, though.
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm your hell
I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
~~~~~~
“Buffy you’re my world and if it weren’t for you...I probably would have staked myself by now. You make it all worth it. I love you.” Why he tells me these things I will never truly know, but in all honesty, I do enjoy hearing him say it. He just makes me feel somewhat special.
“Why do you do that, say those things to me?” As we sit on his dusty couch in each other’s arms, I begin to wonder why exactly he cares so much for me. Why he even wastes his time when he knows we’ll never amount to much.
Unless he knows something...knows that we will be together someday, really together, not just a meaningless affair. That’s got to be it, and that’s what I’ll believe because I want to. And I want what he wants. Us to be real, nothing more, nothing less.
“It’s what you want to hear, I know that much.” He grinned at me and it was a confusing grin. Normally when he grins it’s cocky or teasing. But this time it wasn’t either of those things, it was something genuine and meaningful. Damn did that confuse me.
Before I could say anything in response, Spike stood up and took my hand, gently pulling me up from the couch. Which I was somewhat thankful for because it didn’t have a pleasant odor and it made me sneeze. He led me to the door of his crypt, at first I thought it was just one of those moments where he was hinting I should go and leave the good moment as is. He’s still a little poetic like that.
I was wrong though. He slowly opened the creaking door and the morning sun was just beginning to rise, light pinks and orange shades glittered on the horizon, welcoming us out into the new day. Spike took me outside and we stood by a tree. I was a little puzzled by the fact he was just standing there, with the sun only seconds away from reaching his pale flesh.
“Spike...what are you doing? You have to get inside.” There was a slight panic in my voice mixed with worry that he would just spontaneously combust right in front of my very eyes. And he noticed that.
“Don’t worry, Pet. It’ll be fine.” Just as he said this, I watched a warm ray of light dance upon his face. Highlighting those amazing cheekbones of his. As he began to feel the warmth, he tilted his face up to the sky and closed his eyes, smiling all the while.
The last thing I remember was him taking me into his arms, embracing me as we stood in the sunlight, together, for the very first time.
Of course then, I had to wake up. I looked around my room, and frowned when I realized that what I had just experienced was a dream and not reality. A tease and not a gift. I sigh as I climb out of bed and start my day. Begin my day-life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to a be
A stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I'm goin to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and
Today won’t mean a thing
~~~~~~~~~
That night I saw him again. As I exited my house to walk to my job to start the week of nightshift and sleepless hours. “Why? Why now? Can’t you give me a little time by myself?!” Tonight was not the night he needed to be bothering me. I always get cranky before I have to go to work.
He tilted his head to the side, looking at me as if he was trying to see my pain. “And why won’t you let me keep you company?” He took a few steps towards me.
Because I hate you! I said in my mind, but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. “Because, Spike. This is me. I want things the way I want them, okay? If you can’t deal with that, then that’s just too damn bad.”
So I had set down the rules. Rules he never thought he’d hear from my mouth, usually I don’t defend myself to that extent. He touched my cheek with the back of his hand, trying to get me to give in to his touch once again. But I would have none of it. “Stop.” I pulled away and shot him a glare from the corner of my eyes as I walked down the path to the sidewalk.
“Right and tomorrow you’ll drop the “Miss. I’m too good for you” act, and be running back to me. Then it’ll be my turn to turn *you* down.” He said those words very quiet, but I could still hear him with my extrasensory slayer hearing. And all I could say to myself was: Yeah, we’ll see.
He wasn’t the type to turn down anything that involved me and his crypt in the same sentence. But maybe I underestimate him. Maybe he will understand me someday and let me have things how I want them. And maybe he is emotionally stronger than I think he is. If he isn’t, he’s gonna have to be if he wants to stay with me. I require more than just pleasure in order to love... I require everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm a bitch
I’m a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
~~~~~~~~~~~
That night at the Doublemeat Palace, I had loads of time to think. To think about what exactly I would require of Spike for me to actually love him. Ever since I had had that dream, I couldn’t stop thinking about actually having a life with him. My thoughts were beginning to annoy me, but I pursued them and came up with a rough of idea of what it would take...
I’m a bitch. So therefore, I need someone who can tolerate me. Someone who can dismiss nasty comments and swift kicks in the gut. I get moody, what can I say, my life is screwed up. Anyone in my position would act the same way from time to time.
I’m a lover. I need someone who will not only want me for a willing slave but for a little romantic time. Just to sit there and talk about things, maybe watch a sappy movie, have a candlelit dinner, a walk on the beach at night, hand in hand.
I’m a child. Whoever I’m with needs to see that. See that I need to have a little fun, such as going to a carnival, taking silly pictures. Hell, even playing hide and go seek or tag. If my ideal guy can’t loosen up for a little while and just be a kid, he’s no good for me.
I’m a mother. I still have my sister to take care of. I can’t abandon her for anyone. Even though I do that sometimes, it’ll have to be stopped. She needs me more than anyone on this Earth and I need to show her that I see that.
I’m a sinner. That phrase has a meaning clear as day all in itself, I can’t continue that thought any further.
I’m a saint. I’m kind-hearted and generous. I need to be seen and recognized for this quality. When I act innocent it needs to be left at that and not twisted around into a sin. I help people, it’s what I do. I cannot change my destiny for any one.
I do not feel ashamed. I can’t be ashamed of who I’m with, because once I have that feeling glued inside of me, it’s really hard to get rid of. I want someone I feel confident showing off to my friends. Someone just like me only better.
I realized that Spike already shows me some of things I need in order to be with him. He’s...
A dazed co-worker rudely nudges me. She tells me It’s time to leave and I had to glance at the clock to verify this because I had spent the whole eight hour shift just thinking and I lost track of time completely. Not a single customer came in that night. It was weird but I wasn’t one to complain.
When I walked through the graveyard on the way home, to my surprise, Spike was nowhere in sight.
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm your hell
I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
~~~~~~~~~~
Without her I am nothing. A vampire. A thing. With her I am human. A man. Alive. But today things are going to change. I am a vampire and therefore not meant to be alive and I can see that now. I finally figured out what it is you want: Someone who isn’t me.
“Slayer.” In a low voice I call out to her as I see her in the graveyard that night for patrol. She looks around to see where my voice is coming from then walks up to me upon seeing where I was located, sitting on a gravestone.
“Spike!” She exclaims before hugging me rather tightly. I was unprepared for that, I had no intention of knowing what had gotten into her to make her give me a hug, so I growled and tossed her away from me.
As she looked at me confused, I spoke.
“Look. I see it now. I see that you’ll never love me. All we are is...” I couldn’t put an exact definition to what we were exactly, if we were in fact anything at all. “...we aren’t really anything. It finally all sunk in. All the things you’ve been saying since you and I became ‘we’ and now I’m prepared to end us, here and now.”
I know these words hurt her. I could see it in the bright green shade of her eyes. She didn’t cry though, only shifted her weight from her left foot to her right with that stunned expression on her face. Then she spoke with a cold tone.
“What the hell is wrong with you!? You’re just being an ass and playing a really sick joke...you’d never break up with me...would you? Not when I’ve finally realized that I want you in my life, in my future. You can’t...” I watched her as she tried to piece together what was happening just now. And before I replied to her, I thought about what she said about wanting me in her future and I dismissed it because deep down she didn’t want me at all.
“Buffy, you don’t want nor need me in your life. I am nothing to you but a convenience, which I believe you told me yourself a while back. That is why I’m leaving town. If I can’t have you and I know I can’t, I don't want to be around you where the temptation to take you will always be present.” As I tried to explain this to her, my accent was thicker as it usually was when I tried to be serious about something.
All that escaped her mouth in barely a whisper was “You jerk.” after that I don’t even remember what hit me. Well I know it was her that hit me. But I don’t remember much else after the first five blows to my noggin. It felt like Hell.
My hang over must have kicked in while I slept and caused me to dream such a thing about Buffy and I. I will never learn to stop drinking so much Jack D. before I go to bed. I had actually felt like I was beaten up by someone. “Never again, Spike, you soddin wanker.”
That was when I set out to find her.
~~~~~~
Just when you think
You got me figured out
The season’s already changing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nights go a lot quicker when I train. These are the nights that I'm especially thankful that the gang put this room together for me back here. The nights when I didn’t go to Spike.
The lights in the store of the Magic Box were off. I usually turned them off so no one would know I was in the back taking out all of my life’s frustrations on a punching bag off to the side of the room. I was startled though when I saw a light on the other side of the door.
With caution and in fighting stance, I walked out into the shop to find none other than, you guessed it, Spike. “What. The Hell. Are you doing. Here?” Why I spoke in a fragmented sentence was beyond me, it just came out that way.
“Came to see you...” He was sitting at the table with his feet up on a pile of our oldest demonology books. I wish he had more respect for things that didn’t belong to him...more respect for me.
“You came, you saw, now leave me alone.” Upon saying this, I turned to return to my training room and finish what I had initially began. Stress relief. Before I could reach my destination, he spun me around by my shoulders and froze me with his icy gaze before kissing me senseless.
But I pushed him away. I wasn’t in the mood for his cryptic games.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think it’s cool
You do what you do
And don't try to save me
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I don’t need this right now, Spike. I don’t need you or your games or your seduction attempts. Quit trying to take me away from my life. If you really wanted to do that, you’d just kill me and rid me of it all.” I did a lot of thinking at work, but yet, I still wasn’t ready to talk to him about it all.
“I’m not trying to save you from your pain, Buffy. I’m trying to be here for you. I’m trying to make you see that I’m not just here for you to have your wicked way with, I want to be here for you, I want to make you forget you lead such a difficult life and I want to help you through it when it gets unbearable. I don’t want to be just your sex-toy.” Did he ever make sense? I wasn’t really picking up on any. If he meant all of that, then why did he just kiss me like that?
“Tell me another one, one I might actually have a chance of believing. You aren’t my---Spike I want you to be here for me, and I want to be here for you..” I became calmer, was I ready to talk to him civilly?
~~~~~~~~
I'm a bitch
I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell
I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t what it any other way
~~~~~~~~
We ended up sitting down right there on the floor, facing one another, and I told him everything. Everything I feel towards him and why I feel it. I told him what I am and what I need. He listened to me and took in every word that I said and he never took his eyes away from mine.
“Buffy, I dream of having you all to myself. I long to have you and not worry about whether or not you’re just going to take off in the morning. I will do everything in my power to be the man you need me to be, I don’t want to lose you.” And he meant that. All of that. By then I was crying.
I still hated crying in front of him, but it was a little easier this time around. I didn’t try to hide it or blink the tears away. It was then that I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. He is the only one that understands me at all. My friends, they try, but there’s no connection with them anymore, as they have their own problems to deal with.
Spike took my hand and helped me to stand up. He reached his hand to my face and wiped away all of my tears. He led me back into the training room, then. “I believe you were busy before I interrupted?”
“I was.” But now I had other ideas. “Maybe you can help me, since you’re here and all?” I kept my tone of voice under wraps, though, not wanting him to pick up on my intent. He nodded and tossed his duster over the balance beam and attained a fighting stance.
I threw punches at him, he dodged every one of them. I tried kicking him, but he used my strength against me and sent me spinning backwards. I recover fast in a fight though, as he should probably know by now.
Occasionally I would smirk at him, I’m pretty sure he was beginning to pick up on my intentions. Yes, completely sure. As I went to try and hit him again, he counteracted and swung me around against the wall and pressed his body to mine. I could see love in his eyes and taste it on his lips as he kissed me.
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm a bitch
I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
~~~~~~~
That night, we stayed in the training room until the sun rose high in the sky. We made love like never before and exchanged words that I never thought were in either of our vocabularies.
Spike was mine. He would now always be mine. As I would always be his. Neither of us knew what was to come later in life. We’d probably search for a way to allow him to go into the sunlight so we could spend more time together outdoors in the daylight hours.
Truly, we didn’t really care just then. It was only us, in that moonlit room, making it known just how much we really do love each other. And I was fine with that. Completely content with how he made me feel. He made me see that I still have the ability to feel unconditional love.
~~~~~~~
When you hurt when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I’ve been numb
I'm revived
Can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way
~~~~~~~~~~
“I love you, Spike” I said as we rode down Revello Drive in Spike’s old black De Soto, with cans trailing behind us and a sign on the back of the car that read “Just Married.” Spike was right. It took almost ten years, but he was correct. Everything, was alright.