Spike closed his eyes and downed another shot, him and Jack went as far back as he could remember…well, remember at this point at least.
The bartender eyed him warily, “You okay there buddy? Had quite a bit tonight.”
Spike gave the man a small smile, “Nothing to worry about on my end mate, just trying to take the sting out of my latest rejection.”
The man poured another shot, “This one’s on the house then.”
Spike gave a small salute and thanked him, before downing the harsh liquid. He was trying desperately to keep the tears, and William, at bay, no one needed to see him cry.
*I’m using you, and it’s killing me…I’m sorry; William.*
Get the fuck out of my head slayer, I don’t need this tonight, he pleaded with himself to no avail. It had been 72 hours, 72 devastating hours since she’d ripped his un-beating heart out of his chest and ruined him with a simple word. Not even a word, a name. A name that had no right to be torn from her lips as she tore him apart.
Stupid bitch. Stupid, beautiful, bitch. Stupid, beautiful, love of his eternal life bitch.
He sighed, she was no more a bitch to him than he was one to love, and that was the kicker, wasn’t it? This was where he was supposed to be, in a dirty bar with grungy college kids all alone surrounded by the world. And why? Well that was simple really. He’d rather exist in a world where he was at least hated by the object of his affections, because hate meant she noticed him, meant she saw him...Yes, he’d rather live like this than to live in a world where she didn’t even acknowledge him.
Love’s bitch.
Her bitch.
The Bitches bitch.
A small hand tapped him lightly and he turned to face the owner of it, smiling sadly.
“’Lo Red. What brings you to this part of Sunnyhell?”
A small smile, “A locator spell.”
He tensed, “Everything okay, Scoobies in need of some help then?”
She frowned, “No, it’s not that…we’re fine. We uh…we were actually looking for you when we did it.”
He raised a brow in disbelief.
“We hadn’t seen you in a couple of days; we thought something might have happened.”
He bit back a sarcastic retort, she wasn’t the one he was mad at, fuck, to be honest, he wasn’t even mad at the slayer.
“All’s fine on my end Red, no need to worry. You hurry on home now.” As an afterthought he added, “Need me to walk you?”
He saw her eyes mist a little bit and frowned, “Everything okay?”
She nodded, “I just want you to know I’m sorry…”
He cocked his head, studying the witch, “For what? You do another spell?”
She shook her head and he sighed with relief. “For what then?”
“For never seeing you.”
He tensed, “You see me all the time Red, you sure you didn’t go all whacky with the magic’s?”
Another nod, “I meant really see you…and I’m sorry it took me being told you were missing to realize that.”
He smiled, “No hard feelings Red, the big bad’s always gonna’ be around yeah? No need to get all weepy cos’ I took a l’il break now is there?”
“You’re a good friend Spike, I wanted to let you know that.”
He covered her hand with his and gave it a small squeeze, “Means the world Red, really does.”
Do not cry Spike, don’t you dare fucken’ cry.
He looked around, “Glinda hiding somewhere?”
“No” she whispered, “She told me we needed a break….”
“Sorry to hear that, she’ll be back, just gotta’ learn some control over your powers yeah?”
She gave him a quizzical look, “Heard you birds fighting, what with my evil vampire hearing.”
She giggled and he smiled. “She’s on her way you know.”
He tensed, “Why?”
“She had to make sure with her own eyes that you weren’t dust.”
DO NOT FUCKEN’ CRY SPIKE!!!
“Well, that’s a start innit Red?”
“She loves you.”
IF YOU FUCKEN’ CRY YOU SEE THE NEXT SUNRISE!!!
“She doesn’t think we notice, doesn’t think it’s obvious…but it is, even Xander and Giles have noticed.”
He raised an eyebrow, “should I be expecting a beat down then? Or maybe a stake to the back.”
“No…in the end Spike, we really do want what’s best for Buffy.”
“She doesn’t love me Red.”
“She does.”
“M’not going to argue this with you. ‘Sides, got something to get off my chest, wait a tick yeah Red? Then I’ll walk you home.”
She nodded her head and saw him walk onto the makeshift stage and pick up the guitar, watched him sit on the stool and then with amazement watched him close his eyes and start to sing.
And you say you wanna live forever
And you've got all the time to kill
And you're living in the dark forever
In your own little private hell
I wanna rule this world
I wanna walk the night
I wanna bleed this girl
Wanna shake it all night till the morning light
Willow heard a gasp to her left, and saw Buffy standing there, her hand covering her mouth.
I wanna lead this world
I wanna wake the dead
And all the undead souls who walk the night
Are you sure you're so clean and pure
As you lie here in front of me now
And you're tempting the lord of darkness
As you see what's forbidden to see
I wanna rule this world
I wanna walk the night
I wanna bleed this girl
Wanna do it all night till the morning light
I wanna rule this world
I'm gonna wake the dead
And all the undead souls who walk the night
Oh yeah you know it's true
Yeah you yeah
When people say I'm from the underworld
Every kind of sin you best belive it girl
You come on over here from the other side
Come back to hell it's warm inside
“So this is where he dissapeared to” Buffy mumbled, more to herself than to her friend.
“It’s about you” Willow said softly.
Buffy shook her head, that she had already figured out.
I sleep through the day coz I'm into the night
I wanna through the day coz I live through the night
I sleep through the day coz I'm into the night
I wanna through the day coz I live through the night
Yeah you
I wanna rule this world, yeah
I'm gonna walk the night
I wanna rule this world
I wanna rule this night
And all the undead souls I wanna wake the dead
I wanna get you girl
I'm gonna rule this world
It's gonna be alright
Yeah
Buffy was unaware that she’d walked to the front of the stage and the fact that she was clapping wildly, she was unaware of the hollers going out all around, unaware of the fact that the song was over. The only thing she was aware of was those too blue eyes locked on hers, and she smiled…then she ran.
Spike wiped at his eyes, they were burning badly, he had to get out before he made himself a ponce in front of everybody.
He quickly checked out his surroundings, Red was already gone. He’d chastise her for it tomorrow, but until then he was glad for the reprieve from human company. Right now he wanted to wallow in the dark.
He left through the side entrance and leaned against the wall, in this dark alley he was safe from prying eyes and he sunk to his knees and cried it all out.
His pain.
His misery.
His loathing and despair.
And finally his hope, it all came screaming out of his eyes and he let it.
He heard her coming before he saw her and dragged himself back to his feet, back straight, head held high.
“Come to finish me off then, or do you hate me enough to let me go on like this?”
Buffy stepped out of the shadows and sighed, “I don’t hate you Spike.”
“Just don’t love me” he mumbled, “s’just as bad kitten.”
She frowned and shook her head, “When the fuck did you become Angel? When did you become the broody one who couldn’t cope with life?”
He snarled, “When the fuck did you even notice? Between the nightly game of kick the Spike or was it after you fucked me and left me? Angel got the best of you and I got the worst, seem right to you Slayer? Does any of this seem fucken’ right to you?”
She sighed again, took another step closer. “Spike…I told you I’m…”
He laughed, “Sorry right? You told me you were sorry and that’s supposed to make this all okay? I don’t know how I’m the one without a soul Buffy. I don’t want to live in a world this fucked up anymore. A hundred and twenty bloody years, most of it my blood, and I’m tired. I’ve done my share of harm but mine was out of necessity, mine was to go on existing, why the fuck do you do it? Why do you get to rip people apart and get the pat on the back? You’re strong enough to kill me but too weak to have your own opinion.”
“Why are you doing this?” she whispered sadly.
“I ask myself that everyday princess. When I figure it out, I’ll be sure not to tell you.”
Buffy reached out and grabbed his coat to stop him from leaving, “I do care about you Spike.”
He tugged himself out of her grasp, “Not even to kill me…not enough to stop this pain for me.”
She shook her head, “Too much to kill you.”
“STOP IT” he roared, then more quietly, “Stop it please, I’m not going to be your lap dog anymore slayer…do you think you’re the only one who tasted heaven only to have it torn from you? Do you think you’re the only one who knows bone grinding grief? Well you’re not, you never were.”
“I love you” she whispered out, eyes wide with unshed tears.
“No you don’t, but thanks for saying it” he shot back, voice dripping with sarcasm, then as a side note, “sadistic bitch.”
“I love you Spike.”
Now he was angry, “Say it again Slayer and I swear by whatever fucken’ God you believe in, I’ll kill you.”
“I love you.”
His fist connected with her face and her head whipped back, she wiped at the blood, “I love you William.”
His hand was at her throat now, fangs bared, “You don’t get to call me that EVER”, the last part more a roar than anything else.
“William, I love you.” He could see the fire in her eyes and it burned at him, lapped up anymore self control that he had had and his fangs slid into her neck roughly.
He could feel her tiny hands move up and readied himself for the blow but it never came, instead those tiny hands wrapped themselves around his waist in a weak hug. He knew, knew he was taking too much too fast but he couldn’t stop.
Her blood was too addictive, too warm. Her hands gripped him tighter and her legs gave out, he used his weight to keep her pinned to the wall, to keep her hanging on to him.
He tore his mouth from her neck and brought his eyes to hers, they were half closed, a small smile playing on her lips.
“You’re having yourself your third good day” she managed with a small smile. “There’s no one else who could have done this right William.”
He hissed in disgust, the reality of what he’d been doing flooding in and he sank to his knees, Buffy sliding to the ground with him, unable to stand on her own.
He shook her a bit, “Buffy…BUFFY!!! Stay with me kitten, I’m sorry…I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking right. Buffy, come back kitten, Jesus Christ come back.”
He could hear her heart beat, she wasn’t dying but she needed blood and he did the only thing that he could think to do and bit into his wrist, tearing it open and put it to her mouth.
She wasn’t close enough to death to turn, and she was just far enough above regular human that maybe this would help her.
“Drink it Buffy, please God” he begged, “Make her take it.”
And it was as if there was a God listening for once in his undead years and he felt her mouth press into his skin, felt the tiny pulls that might save her.
“Thank you” he whispered to who or what he didn’t quite know.
He looked down and with his free hand wiped the hair from her face, “That’s it kitten, drink up…god I’m so sorry” he sobbed.
He didn’t know when he had fallen over, didn’t know when she’d stopped drinking, didn’t even know when her hands had come around him and pulled his head onto her lap and he certainly didn’t know how long he’d sat there wailing.
Suddenly softly spoken words were seeping through the daze he was in.
“William, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay.”
“Buffy?”
“Shhh, it’s okay now William.”
“Oh god, kill me please” he managed to sob out, “Kill me Buffy.”
A simple word that spoke volumes, “No.”
He clutched at her arms, “Why?”
“Because I love you.”
His throat made a strange noise and he looked up to see her face and came undone.
“Please Buffy, I can’t live like this anymore…it’s too much, too much hurt all the time…isn’t this what you do? Save people? Save me Buffy please.”
“I love you.”
“I tried to kill you.”
She shook her head, “But you didn’t.”
“I would have.”
She smiled a little bit, “No.”
“I’m a monster.”
“No.”
She helped him to his feet and began to guide him out of the alley way.
“I’m going to take you home William, is that okay?”
He nodded his approval as they began to stagger away, both leaning against each other for support.
“Why are you doing this to me Slayer?”
“Doing what?”
“Giving me hope.”
“Is that such a bad thing?”
“Hope belongs in Pandora’s box where it can do the least harm.”
She shook her head, not understanding.
“Hope can be a terrible thing when there’s nothing behind it.”
She stayed quiet after that and they kept on walking, when she stopped he looked up and noticed they were at her place.
“Home” she whispered and clutched his hand tighter.
He swallowed hard and looked into her eyes, “Home.”
She smiled, good, he was starting to understand.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!