He has changed.
He is older.
Realistically I know he is not a day older than he was the last time I saw him, but still, he is older.
The lines on his face deeper, his eyes hollow and sunken, the familiar ocean blue swept away to leave an empty, dull gray.
I didn’t know he was alive.
I didn’t know I could have him.
If I did, I would have been here sooner.
I loved him, I loved him so much.
No. Lie. That’s a lie.
I love him, I still love him. So very much.
Never was happy with anyone else.
And that bathroom, gone, obliterated, taking with it all the bad memories, leaving only the good.
But even if it weren’t gone, it wouldn’t make a difference.
I’d still love him, I’d still want him.
Much like I do now, yet I just stand here.
Watching from the shadows like he used to watch me.
He’s in the light, course that special glass is helping, but whatever.
Ironic twist of places isn’t it.
And I can’t bring myself to move, to walk to him and tell him all that I just said to myself.
To make him understand just how much I’ve missed him.
My lips part but no sound comes forth.
I try to remember why I came here in the first place.
It was important I know, I needed help with something, but it doesn’t really matter now.
Nothing matters. Because he is alive.
And damn it! Why did no one tell me!?
I’m gonna kill someone, I know it.
It’s all just too much, this immortality they granted me, and the heightened powers my emotions cause.
And damn it, but I’m tired of blowing up things not of my volition every time I get angry enough to yell.
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the powers that be, a.k.a. that powers that screw you, decided to “reward” me by giving me immortality so I could forever be the slayer, of course it’s not true immortality, it just means I’ll never get older, I could still die, you know, if something killed me, or maybe one day I’ll actually get mad enough that I internally combust and kill myself accidentally.
Which is the other thing that the PTB used to screw me, they heightened my powers by further connecting them to my emotions, so now when I get angry (which happens quite often might I add) objects just tend to blow up.
Yeah, fun, I know.
But that was totally a tangent, and whoa! Suddenly I’m back as my high school self, using words like ‘totally.’
------
They’re talking now; Spike, Angel, some girl with blue streaks in her hair, and a black guy sulking in the corner. Harmony’s unconscious behind me, I didn’t mean to, I swear, she just pissed me off and…well what does it even matter, it’s Harmony for God’s sakes.
Besides she started spouting off about her Blondie Bear and how they’d be together forever and blah, blah, blah. And really, it’s a wonder she didn’t get a stake through the heart or hell, even spontaneously combust, now that would have been funny.
I’m obviously jaded in my old age, which brings us back to the case at hand, he’s older, but not really, I wonder about the cause, it’s barely two years since he died and I don’t know when, or why he came back, or was brought back, whatever. Now I’m just pissed that no one told me, that he didn’t tell me!
If he’d really loved me, wouldn’t he have found me and tried to get me back? I mean, wouldn’t that just scream “Spike.” But no, he’s changed, I can tell, I can see it in his face, his empty eyes.
He’s lost.
I know.
Because I’m lost too.
And the look in his eyes mirrors the one I see every time I see my own reflection.
I know that for me to not be lost, I’d have to find him, be with him.
But I wonder now if he even still wants me, if he’d ever look at me like he used to, hold me like he did that night when I asked him to just hold me, just be with me.
This thought jars me, makes me want to cry, I can feel the tears filling my eyes threatening to spill over. This in turn makes me angry, who is he to make me cry!?
Not now, not again, damn it!
I’ve cried over him every night for two years, and hell if I’m going to let him make me cry again.
I send a kick flying towards the glazed glass doors, not for the sake of opening them, as they were already opened slightly allowing me to watch the scene inside, but more for the sake of hearing the satisfying shatter, and watching the shards of glass shoot into the room, startling it’s occupants to the point where they jump to attention, ready to fight.
But then it’s just me, heaving breaths in a desperate attempt to suck air into my needy lungs, feet set apart, a deathly, though blank glare settled on my features. I do nothing but stare. Stand and stare. Stand and stare. Stand and breathe and stare.
I can feel it building, the tension, it settles low in my stomach, building up slowly, much like an orgasm, but much more destructive, and a lot less fulfilling. I know what’s going to happen, but for once I don’t try to stop it. My anger grows, Angel didn’t tell me, he didn’t tell me.
For god’s sakes why didn’t anyone tell me!!
------
The sound is deafening, glass shattering, wood splitting, blood curdling screaming. Two jump away from the obliterated windows, the fresh, unfiltered sunlight stinging their skin, hands shielding their ears as their heightened vampire hearing magnifies the scream. The black man in the corner is thrown from the chair he was cowering in as it combusts. The blue-haired woman lost as to her place in this current fury.
I realize then, that the screaming is my own. The pain still rips through my battered frame, the force of the blow-up having come from within me as my emotions had become too much for me and my new power to handle.
The room is in shambles, anything glass shattered to pieces, anything wooden splintered and broken. The weapons previously adorning the back wall now embedded in the wall opposite, narrowly missing the occupants of the room as they had sailed across the office.
But still I scream, the tremors of pain still filling my body, the throbbing pain pulsing and not subsiding in the least.
I’m standing in the sunlight, bathed in the stream falling from the empty window pane. I wonder if my high-pitched scream could shatter glass if I hadn’t already shattered all the glass in sight.
But then I’m flying, a body slamming against mine, pulling me through the air to a darker side of the room. Holding me close once we’ve landed, trying to quell my screams.
The pain finally begins to subside and I become aware of the body pressed against mine, the hand gently stroking my hair, the familiar voice whispering calming nothings into my ear while the other arm is wrapped firmly around my still shuddering frame.
I shiver as if cold, but really it’s the product of the effect his presence has on me even to this day. Now, almost two years later it’s as strong as it was then.
I want to succumb to the effects his embrace is having on me, let him comfort me and wash away all my pain, but then I remember, remember why the continuous waves of pain are still washing over me, and I strike out.
A strong backhand to the jaw sends him flying away from me and crashing into what’s left of Angel’s desk.
I scream, “You didn’t tell me!”
I whisper, “Why didn’t you find me.”
Tears blur my vision and run unbidden down my face, sobs are wretched from deep within me, and suddenly my strength is gone again.
I crumple back to the floor. Angel has finally come to his senses and moves to comfort me, take me into his arms. A resounding growl reverberates through the room, the owner shoving ‘Peaches’ out of the way to do what Angel had intended to.
“Piss off Peaches she’s mine.”
He moves without hesitation, no fear that I’ll repeat my earlier outburst and attack hindering his movements and takes me into his arms again. Sliding one arm around my shoulders and the other beneath the crook of my knees, he settles onto the floor, placing me gingerly in his lap, holding my body securely to him.
I finally give in, burying my tear-stained face against his shoulder. He nuzzles my neck, focusing on the throbbing pulse-point, my body screams ‘vampire,’ while my heart and soul scream ‘Spike.’ I’m at a loss, wanting to kiss him and kill him all at the same time. How many times had that particular inner war been fought out over the years?
He’s whispering now, mouth close to my ear, explaining what I needed him to. I tune in to his words now; clinging to him with all that I am as he pleads with me to understand that he had thought I hadn’t wanted him anymore that he had thought I’d moved on.
“I saw you in Rome, and-and you were dancing and I thought you’d found someone else and you wouldn’t want me anymore…”
“Distraction…” she murmured. “Just a distraction…”
“I’m sorry baby, so, so sorry.”
His voice is strained, and though I can’t see his eyes, I know what he is telling me is the truth.
My sobs subside, leaving me worn out and more tired than usual. I’d already been exhausted, I’ve been exhausted for two years, sleepless nights filled with endless onslaughts of tears have kept me from ever getting enough sleep to conquer my inevitable exhaustion.
He’s doing that mind reading thing again, and murmuring something to me about taking me to his apartment for some sleep. He stands, cradling me in his arms, normally I’d fight it every step of the way, insisting that I’m the Slayer I can stand and walk all on my own.
But today is different, today he’s back.
------
I’m almost asleep in his embrace, his swift, rolling gait lulling me to slumber, but then he shifts, jostling me just a bit in order to place his key in the lock. The door swings open, he moves to place me on my feet but I tighten my grip, not quite ready to leave the safe haven his body is providing me.
He acquiesces, holding me just a bit tighter as he makes his way across the apartment, I don’t look around, I don’t care, all there is, is him.
He sets me down on the bed, this time I release my grip, sitting idly while he slips my jacket from my shoulders and then off completely. His jacket comes next, I watch in silence for a moment before speaking.
“That’s not your jacket.”
He looks at me oddly, the expression on his face making me wonder if he thinks I’m insane. “What?” He asks and I repeat myself.
“That’s not your jacket.”
He smiles then, seemingly pleased that I noticed the miniscule differences between his old jacket and this one. He sits next to me, taking one of my hands in his, gently massaging my palm. “You’re right luv, it’s not. I had a small…accident in Rome, had to get a new one.”
“Oh.” I reply, suddenly at a loss for words. So I ask him for the one thing I’ve wanted to feel again since the day I held his hand as he died.
“Will you just hold me again…please?”
“Of course luv.”
We’re both whispering, I don’t know why, maybe he’s afraid that speaking any louder will shatter my already tender stoic-ness and send me directly back to tears, and maybe I’m afraid of the same. He leans back then, pulling me with him until my back is against his chest, our position now mirroring the one we shared that night.
And for once; I sleep.
------
TBC Next chapter will be some talking to resolve their relationship further, a few explanations and most likely some smut.
Side Note - Reviews are what makes a writers world go round.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!