Prologue
She laid there on the old lumpy mattress with her eyes closed. She was drunk, tired and dirty. It had been 6 years since that fateful day, since she lost her vampire, the man she had depended on, needed and loved.
“No you don’t, but thanks for saying it.”
He didn’t believe her when she told him. Why? She had wondered. But in reality, she knew the real question was why would he?
The concept of time, hours and minutes no longer concerned her, only night and day. During the night she would rise and face the darkness whilst during the day she would sleep, lost in her dreams. Despite no longer being THE slayer but only a slayer she was still alone, committed to none other than her duty that consisted of nothing but blood, pain and violence -oh yes, lots of violence.
“Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day.”
Every night she would venture out into the darkness and slay every evil on sight, pouring every bit of anguish, despair and hatred into each blow and impact inflicted, and when the night was almost over, a trip to the nearest demon bar was made for her new found hobby –getting intoxicated with alcohol. Considering her history for low tolerance in alcohol, the improvements she had made over the years was quite impressive, but made things more expensive as she found that she needed to buy more alcohol to get drunk than when she had first started. Nevertheless normal things such as a getting a daytime job, money, having a normal life no longer appealed to her. Ever since Giles re-established the new watchers council, every active slayer was now compensated with a reasonable salary, allowing her to spend as much money she wanted on booze and smokes.
“Try out my world. See how good it feels”
It did, at least it was better than the ”human” world that constantly pestered her with its demands, she had even picked up a few tricks for gambling just like he had shown her.
Every night she poured out all the feeling she had left inside but sometimes it was never enough. It was during those times that she wanted out, she wanted break everything in sight with her fists, slit her own chest open with sharp fingernails in rage and anguish and rip out the beating heart that seemed to be the source of her pain. She wanted to reach out to the stars and scream out to the world, demanding the reason for her sufferings. But as weeks, months passed by unnoticed, her anger gradually faded, leaving her feeling more empty and disconnected, which in time slowly turned into something hard, dark and dangerous filled with sarcasm, laughter without the humor. And so each night she got drunk, attempting to numb her feelings and shut out the rest of the existence that seemed to keep moving forward whilst she laid still.
Alone. She was always alone now. In the darkness was where she belonged now… just like he said.
“You belong in the darkness, with me.”
No longer did she have any friends. It was hard at first, tense, –and she tried, she really did try to be okay, or at least pretend to be. For them. Being with them, training the new slayers, going out on missions directed by the new head of council –Giles, but after everything she had been through over the years, the drama, chaos, trials, pain, loss, death, burden, responsibility, everything. She was just so tired of it all and so she left. Despite their protests and attempts to “help” her, she was tired of pretending and trying to be okay to make them all feel better and so she wanted –no, needed to be alone.
Giles who had once been like a father to her had left her and came back, only betray her again and again, after The First, things were never the same between them. Willow who was once her oldest and closest friend resumed her witchcraft training in England, taking Dawn with her who claimed that Willow was like a mother to her. Xander who was also once her oldest and closest friend wanted out of the supernatural world for good. After the loss of Anya, he stayed at Dracula’s mansion, grieving and drinking every night until he passed out before finally claiming that the only way to move on was to get out and leave everything behind him. Faith, her sister slayer who was once her friend, enemy and ally was now the head slayer of slayer central. She was alone.
“Death is on your heels baby and sooner or later, it's going to catch you. And some part of you wants it. Not only to stop the fear and the uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it.”
Every night she felt self destructive, like she was on a suicide mission –except from deep within, some part of her knew he wouldn’t want it, after all he died so that she could live.
She had changed her style to punk, added more ear piercings and even took up smoking, but only in an attempt to recreate, imitate the unique smell of tobacco and alcohol mixed together with his leather duster that belonged only to him.
Not a moment past that she did not think of him, wishing that he had believed her when she told him she loved him, regretting the times when she rejected him, hurt him, abused him and all the torture he went through getting his soul and the burden he shouldered when he got it –for her. But when she dreamed, he was with her, all the time. Occasionally she dreamed of the past, sometimes it was just them dancing like they always did, whilst other times it was when they were together like the night where he held her as she slept, when all her friends and family betrayed her, only he was still there beside her, loyal and as loving as ever. Other times it was just like nothing had ever happened and he just there with her, touching her, holding her and whispering in her ear how much he loved her, all the dirty, naughty things they could do and how they had all the time in the world.
Her eyes fluttered as the first few rays of sunlight flitted through the curtains into her small room. It was dawn now, meaning it was time for sleep and for him. With a soft sigh she rolled on her side to face the blank wall away from the window.
‘Spike.’ She whispered. A single tear escaped as she pleaded to the hollowness of the apartment and with that, she surrendered herself to the dreams hoping that they would once again lead her to him.
From up above they looked down upon their fallen champion with great sadness and pity. Someone, somewhere had heard her.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!