Spike sighed as he lay in bed in his crypt, a single candle burning on the nightstand next to him. He could still feel her. She'd been there that morning. He could always feel her. Every time he closed his eyes, there she was, touching him in all the right places, lingering, her hands moving over his body, causing his skin to sing. He missed her every moment.
He giggled almost manically at the thought of her. Boy, was he a loser, he thought. Everyone knew she didn’t feel the same way. He was nothing but a plaything to her. A distraction. A fleshy object she could manipulate with her perfect little hands.
Spike thought about when she had died. Before they‘d brought her back - Tara, Red, and Xander - he’d saved her in his mind every night. He’d played it back over and over and over, fantasizing about different scenarios, playing the Hero, inventing new strategies that could have saved her from what she had to do. The sacrifice she had to make. The pain she had to endure. It was his fault, he’d known it. He still knew it. He should have been strong enough to save her. Why hadn’t he been? His hand crushed the remaining stub of his cigarette.
She’d come back wrong, you see. He knew how much she hated being here. She told him she had felt done. She didn’t want to fight anymore. The Buffy that was back wasn’t her - it was a shell of her former self, he knew it. Everyone did. She was going through the motions, but she had lost that zest for life, that drive, that spark that drew people to her. Spike believed this was his fault. Wasn’t it, after all? If he had saved her on that tower that awful day she wouldn’t have had to jump for Dawn, and she would have never known Heaven. His guilt - and, well, the lust he still had for her - was all he had left now. Buffy was gone. Why couldn't he let her go?
He still dreamed of her every night, now though instead of saving her he was making love to her. He was desperately in love with her. Her face, her hands, the way she spoke - everything about her was perfect. He wanted her every minute. When he was with her, everything fell away. He was at peace. It was afterwards that the pain started. When she got up, dressed, and left without saying a word, sometimes without even looking back. Spike had never felt so used in his life. And yet, he couldn’t say no. He couldn’t deny her what she wanted.
She, Buffy, The Slayer, was so powerful. So beautiful. So crushing. Her power fascinated him. But instead of being threatened by it, he was in awe. He admired her more than anyone he'd ever known. Not just her physical power, but the emotional pull she had over him. He knew it was wrong to love her, he knew it went against everything he'd ever been taught about how vampires and Slayers should interact - yet, all the same, he loved her. He laughed slightly, again boggled by the absurdity of all of this. He lit another ciggarette, and glanced at the digital reading on the clock next to his bed. She was due here soon.
A vampire in love with a Slayer. Ridiculous, really. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it.
He took a drag of his fresh cigarette. He knew he’d have her tonight. Yet, the closer he got to her, the farther she withdrew. Some nights, she’d talk to him like he mattered, maybe even like she talked to her friends - but other nights, she said nothing, there was only fury and rage - she hated herself so much for how much she wanted him - and in the morning, Spike woke up alone, bloody and sore, the chains still around his wrists. He dreamed of tying her up and making her feel as used as he felt. But he doubted she’d ever allow that. In the end, no matter how much she “lost” herself with him, she was the one in control.
He was hers body and soul - she knew that - but was she his? Spike sighed again, the air escaping his lungs. Why wasn’t he good enough for her to love? Sex was meaningless without love, wasn’t it? She claimed she didn’t love him, but she came to him all the same. Yet, what never made sense to him was how much she seemed to despise him. How was it possible to both hate and want someone so intensely? The only way she could justify her relationship with him was to put herself on a pedestal and reject the humanity in him. That way, she couldn't feel guilty about using him, because he was incapable of love. Or so she thought. Spike's mind flashed to something she had said to him once;
There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside!
Spike cringed. He'd let her beat him half-dead that night - she'd needed that release - and sometimes it couldn't be found in the bed they so often shared. If the distraction of beating him saved her, so he’d take the beating. He’d take anything for her. She had told him he couldn't "understand." He'd wondered what she meant. Perhaps he’d never know. She'd said that he was being selfish, too. But, how could he be the selfish one when he was giving himself to her every night? Wasn't it selfish to use someone for sex when you obviously knew they wanted more than that?
Spike hated Buffy's hypocrisy more than anything. Hell, he gave her everything he had! What else did she expect? His soul? He laughed and took another drag of his cigarette. It'd be just soddin' classic if she asked him for that. His soul had been gone for a long, long time. he wasn't even sure it was possible to get it back. In fact, he couldn’t remember what it was like to have one.
Now, Buffy was the one who taught him what it meant to be human.
Anyway, Spike thought, she was due here soon. She always came at night. Time to stop thinking. It only depressed him, anyway.
Time to service the girl. That's all he was good for, right? That's what she had said.
Spike got undressed, lit a few candles, and got into bed, covering himself with a sheet. He continued to lay in bed, chain-smoking, until he heard the door of his crypt open, and then it softly shut. Funny how delicate she was with the door when she hardly gave any mind to the rest of his furniture. He couldn’t name how many times he’d had to replace the bed in the last couple of months. It amazed him how delicate and how destructive her little hands could be. He heard her then. Her voice. It still made his stomach drop and his unbeating heart flutter. It was dark in the crypt - the way she liked it - and she didn’t bother turning on the light.
She needed the darkness to do what she did to him. If it had been light, and she could see herself, she’d run off, crying, he reckoned.
“Spike?” she called out, her voice was tired, defeated. He wondered if she’d had a bad run-in with a particularly nasty vamp tonight. He could smell blood on her. And it wasn’t all hers.
"Here luv." He sat up in bed, alarmed. His nostrils flared. He automatically turned to get out of bed, reaching out to her. Like instinct. “Buffy, you ok?” he asked.
She came over to the bed, and sat down next to him. Spike saw a huge gash on her shoulder. Her shirt had been ripped almost clean off. His hand grazed her arm, wanting to get a better look at the wound, but she pushed his hand back.
“Spike, I’m fine."
Spike looked at her curiously but she wouldn't meet his eyes. She just...sat there.
This was unusual. Normally she was down to business as usual, clothes off before her tiny feet left the floor and her hands were on his chest, her lips crushing his, her fingers in his hair. But this time was different. She was different. Spike thoughtfully studied her.
She was tired. But that wasn’t unusual.
She was bloodied, but hell, well that wasn’t unusual either.
She stared at her hands. Spike knew she did this when she was nervous. Spike hesitated for a moment, then laid his hand on hers. She continued to sit, her face away from him.
“What happened, love? Tough night?” Buffy’s hand twitched involuntarily as she felt Spike’s hand envelope hers. Spike sighed, and withdrew his hand. “Here we go again” he sighed. “Doesn’t like to be touched. Not like this. Not by me.”
“Spike…” Buffy heaved such a big sigh her whole body seemed to crumble. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s over.” She said, and looked at him. Spike felt his blood run cold. The monster threatened to emerge in him, the anger overwhelming - but he held it in. Not again. Not tonight. He couldn’t take another round of this. It was never permanent. She always came back to him, no matter what she said. He took a deep breath, even though he didn't need to.
He choose his words wisely. “Love, it’s late. I’m not up for another round of Break Up With Spike tonight.” He stroked her shoulder, pushed aside her golden hair and caressed her neck.
“Besides, in the morning you’ll wish you hadn’t said it.”
Something in Buffy snapped. She eyed him sharply. She slapped his hand away.
She stood up.
As usual, he needed to be below her for her to really say what she wanted to say.
“I’m serious, Spike. Listen to me. I can’t do this anymore. I…” She stopped, looked down. Spike saw her briefly close her eyes and take a deep breath. Spike moved to get out of bed, wrapped the sheet around himself and wrapped his arms around her tiny frame. For a moment, he felt her relax into him. her head resting on his chest. Then, before he could even react, she grabbed his face attacked his lips, almost drawing blood. He could feel her pushing into him through the thin sheets, and he felt that familiar twinge in his groin - but then she pulled away, just as quickly, resolve renewed. Spike felt cold where her body had just been.
He just stood there, stunned by the intensity of her kiss.
“Don't, Spike.”
“What?” Spike said, irritated, hurt, rejected. "YOU kissed ME! Here we go again! I can’t love you! Blah, blah! You know what? I’ve heard it already. All if it. I’m a monster. You can’t love me. You think I don’t know that! Well, bollocks, because I love you. I can’t - can't - help it! It's in me...all the time! You think I chose to fall in love with you, the way you, you - treat me? Like a piece of - " he struggled for the right word,
" - meat you can manipulate whenever you want?“ Spike felt himself gasping, panicking, and knew he needed to stop before he said something he’d regret.
Something that could cause her to stop coming around his place.
Buffy, fire flashing in her eyes, glared at Spike, as if she couldn’t believe what he’d just said.
“You think I treat you like a piece of meat? Oh, I see. Well, look at you! All you do is stare at me like you’re in love with me, and you aren’t! You can’t be! You don’t have the ability -"
Spike cut her off. “Buffy, you know damn well I love you. How can you say that? The only reason you want to break this off is because -"
Buffy balled her hands into fists, “Let me talk, Spike!” Spike’s mouth dropped open. Was she really not going to let him have a word in this? He threw his hands in the air.
“Oh, well, have at it, Princess! Never mind what I have to say! What was it again? "I can’t do this anymore, because” - he was mimicking her now, voice high and mocking - “even though he gives me the best sex I’ve ever had in my life, I can’t do this because he’s not good enough for me because I’m all up on my high horse - "
Buffy interrupted him again, and the anger in her eyes scared even him a bit. Suddenly, her small fist collided with Spike's face with such force that he flew across the room, hitting the granite side of a nearby table. She marched over to him, hoisted him up, and pinned him against the table. Spike, shocked, was unsure of how to react. She normally wasn’t this violent towards him outside of sex anymore. They stared at each other. He could feel the heat between them, as always, and he desperately wanted to grab her and turn her around, pin her against the pillar, rip her clothes off, and fall back into the familiar and destructive pattern they’d created.
“Buffy…don't.“ Spike whispered.
Anger gone, Buffy let go of his collar, and suddenly seemed defeated, sat back down on the bed, and turned herself away from him. After a moment, he slowly approached the bed, until he was standing on the other side of it, facing her back. He gingerly sat down. They quietly sat there together, back to back. It was a few minutes before she said,
“It’s because I want you too much, ok? Is that what you wanted to hear?” She said this with such hate and sadness at the same time. Spike was stunned.
Spike turned and just stared at her, the back of her head, the sting on his cheek from where she’d hit him nothing next to the shock of what she had just admitted to him. Buffy stood up, eyes down, and started pacing.
“Spike, when I’m with you, everything falls away, there’s no me, there’s no Dawn, there’s no slaying - I can’t afford that! Do you understand that?” She turned back to him with an exasperated look on her face, as if he should understand with perfect clarity what she was saying. She quitly added, "I can't afford to be with you, Spike."
Spike was speechless. That was what this was about? She was afraid of losing herself with him? He almost laughed. He hadn’t imagined that was a possibility at all. Didn’t the Slayer have control of everything? She had it over him. He tried to grasp what she was saying.
“So…you don’t want to sleep with me anymore because you…want me too much? Not seeing the issue here, luv.” He couldn’t help but smirk. Every cell in his body ached to reach out to her. But he knew this wasn’t the time. Buffy signed and sat back on the bed next to him. She looked him in the eyes.
“You’re impossible! You can't understand, can you? I have other responsibilities than my own needs. I can't have you anymore.”
There was that word again. “Understand.” Spike’s jaw tightened at the sound, but he held it in. He wasn’t some schoolboy. He understood alright.
They stared at one and other. She looked so tired. Spike, sensing a rare opportunity, stood up, and kneeled down in front of her. He knew this was the only way she'd listen; if he was below her. The way she liked it.
The way she saw him.
"Buffy, yes you can. You can have me. I'm yours. Always have been, always will be. Stay tonight. Go back and fight the big, bad world tomorrow. Tonight, you can afford it." Buffy stared once more at her hands, twisting them, crushing the tendons beneath her lilthe fingers. Finally she got up, silently undressed, and lay down under the covers. Spike, slowly, got up, and lay beside her, facing her.
"You can't shut me out, love." Spike whispered. "I'm always here."
They lay there, side by side, looking at each other. Buffy sidled up next to him. Hesitantly, her hand snaked underneath the cool sheets that covered him, and her small hand found the cool, smooth planes of his stomach. His skin sang.
“This is the last time.” She said.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!