A/N: My very first song fic. And probably the last. LOL I have this cd and every time I hear this song I think of poor, poor Spike.
Disclaimer: Song lyrics are Good Charlotte’s Wondering. Great band! I definitely don’t own them or their lyrics. Neither do I own the characters from Buffy though in my little, secret world, they are all mine.
~^~*~^~
Bloody, stupid git. Why do I say things I don’t mean? Bleeding soul has got my whole system wonky. I didn’t used to be so conscientious of everything. Now, it’s bloody awful. And here I stand still, staring at the empty spot where she was standing just seconds ago. Half dressed may I add, skin golden and smooth, just begging to be touched and kissed and…
But no, no I told her to go, to go on her bloody date with that bloody wanker of a school principal. Said I was alright when really I’m not especially knowing how many times I’ve let the word bloody slip out during the rant in my head….I’ll never be right again, not being here, with her, near her, around her 24/7.
I can hear her getting ready in her room and wish it was the two of us going out instead. Out and away from all of this. I know the perfect place to take her with the music, soft lights and candles, expensive wine and delectable food. Real food, not the kind they eat around this house. But she would never, not now, not ever.
I should just go, get out, find a place of my own. She doesn’t need me here getting in the way, worrying and cosseting over. I’m fine now, can take care of my own self. Done it for over 100 years. But I’ll tell her first, no sense of worrying her anymore just by up and leaving her. Like all the other wankers in her life. I’ll definitely tell her…tonight…after her date! Gggrrrrr!
~(/)~
If you want me to wait, I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay, I will stay right through.
If you don’t want to say anything at all,
I’m happy wondering.
~(/)~
Can’t believe what I heard. It was like in slow motion, took a bit for me to actually grasp what she had said. She said it, didn’t she? Or maybe my head is all doddering again. Had a great plan and everything, what with the First telling the boy it wasn’t time for me. A good excuse for me to get out, keep the girlies and the others safe from the likes of me if it got in my head again. Told her so. She flat out told me I couldn’t go. Even reminded her she had plenty of help but she said that wasn’t the reason why she needed me. I could almost swear my heart started beating in my undead chest just at that moment and I heard her voice quiver. Whether it was from fear, worry or exhaustion I’ll never know but I wanted, no, needed to know what she meant.
Hope rises in my chest as I look over my shoulder at her. She needs me but for what? Just for the fight, the strength, to watch her back? Last year she told me she wanted me, now she’s telling me she needs me. What’s next? Have to push the urge to ask her back down but my mouth has a mind of its own. Next thing I know I ‘m asking her why.
Her reply? “Cause I'm not ready for you to not be here.”
Sooo…what in bloody hell does that mean exactly? I stare at her for a bit, trying to read her. She used to be so easy to read. Always caught her off guard whenever I told her specifically how she was feeling, those deep down feelings she always kept hidden away from everyone else. But there’s nothing discernable there. I’m losing my touch, well, that and I don’t hope for anything anymore, not with her, not with so much to lose.
This time, I just have to know what role Principal what’s-his-face is playing in this crazy match between the two of us. Of course she doesn’t dignify my question with an answer and once again I find that I can’t read her face. It’s unemotional except for the worry etched there. And I want to take that away. I hope that I can.
~(/)~
Since I was a young man, I never was a fun man.
I never had a plan and no security.
Then ever since I met you, I never could forget you.
I only want to get you right here next to me.
~(/)~
That bitch! Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for her, just her as a matter of fact. Told her so, yet she flips out. Basically calls me a pillock in front of everyone. Weepy or whaled on, my ass. Sorry to disappoint, not really in the mood to kill and maim anymore…and I haven’t cried for a very long time. What, she thinks I’m boohooing myself to sleep every night? Wailing over her and what I’ve done in the past? Not bloody likely. I just…don’t think about that as much. Or…yeah…then I might be a blubbering twit after all.
Sigh. I can’t blame her. She needs me, and not for my off-colored comments, or my witty comebacks or my devilish good looks. She needs a fighter and I admit, haven’t been much up to combat these days. Don’t know why, really, except for this buggering soul making me feel sorry for inflicting pain on anyone or anything. Damn thing.
It’s like I need enticed, even though Buffy should be enough of one. Well for other things, not really fighting. Don’t feel like the Big Bad anymore, not in the mood to hunt, kill or be killed. I suppose I should try, for her. I miss my duster. That always made me feel a bit more bad and less of a sap than I actually feel like now. Wonder what I did with that thing?
~(/)~
Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and…
You’re somebody that I found just in time.
~(/)~
Spent a good two hours walking around this bloody town. Wasn’t really in the mood to go back to the house. Thought it better to cool off before having a face-off with the slayer. And here I thought she trusted the wanker. Did she know his mother was a slayer? Worse yet, did she know that I’m the one who took his mum’s life before I actually told her about it?
Damn, she must have found out from Wood and conspired to do me in. After everything, pulling me out of the school basement, saving me from The First, helping with the chip, would she really throw it all in just because of a slayer I killed, in a fair fight I might add, over 20 years ago? I was a different person then, she knows it. She knows I’ve changed.
I see her bedroom light on and her window slightly cracked. Really need to talk to her. Maybe I should go up that way, makes for a quick get-a-way if she is hell-bent on doing me in.
I hear a door closing just as I reach the edge of the roof and then the Watcher speaking as I quietly stalk up to the side of the window. Giles telling her he understands why she is angry. What is this? The slayer is angry at her watcher? She sounds pissed, I remember that tone intimately.
Well, well, well, it hits me just as I hear Buffy say, “No, I think you've taught me everything I need to know.”
So, Giles and Wood. The two of them scheming to do away with me. And by the tone of the slayer’s voice, she didn’t know about it.
I wait ‘til I’m sure the coast is clear before I lightly tap on the pane. “I know you’re there”, she mutters and I peek around the frame before lifting the window higher. Rather than going in, I decide to sit on the sill and look at her. She looks really upset and I’m not sure of what to say. So she breaks the ice.
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I’m sure. And yourself? You pissed at me for hurting your precious boss? Cause if you are, he started it.”
“No, I’m not mad at you and I know what happened.”
“Good, then maybe you can explain it to me.”
“Giles and Robin. They decided you weren’t a part of the plan anymore. Actually, it was more Wood than anything, him and his vendetta.”
“Ahh, well, I sussed that out after the first punch…from him of course. Good news though. He cured me. I’m no longer under control of The First. The trigger is fixed.” She smiled at me and I thought it was the nicest thing I’ve seen in a long time.
“That is good news.”
The smile disappeared as she looked at the floor in front of her. “Spike…I’m sorry. For going off on you last week and…and for what happened tonight. You must know I had no idea…”
“Buffy, don’t apologize. If it wasn’t for you ‘going off’ on me, I wouldn’t have gotten my stones back. ‘Preciate it, luv. And, I have to admit, at first I thought you’d gone and turned on me.” Damn it, my voice cracks. I need to come up with something to reassure her. I look at her, right at her.
“But I believe in you, Buffy.” Ah ha, that was a good one, pull her back over, win her with words. Even though it is true, don’t want to seem like I’ve gone too soft. She smiles again. Must’ve worked.
“Ditto. Now get down and go through the front door.”
“G’night, luv.”
~(/)~
Now my life is changing, it always rearranging.
It always getting stranger than I thought it ever could.
Ever since I found you, I wanna be around you.
I wanna get down to the point that I need you.
~(/)~
That Faith bird is a work of something or other. Sex just pours off of her. She’s sitting here next to me in my basement, on my cot carrying on a conversation. And what a conversation. Girl is bent. Complete opposite of Buffy. And to think it was her in Buffy’s body at the Bronze so long ago. I’ve replayed that fantasy in my mind over and over so many times. Hey, it may have been Faith working the mojo, but it was all Buffy in my eyes.
God, it has been so long, and this female stretched out here beside me oozing lust makes me randy. Gotta get a grip cause it’s not her I want. And anyway…Oh! Hey, it’s Buffy. When she get here? How much did she hear? And how much did she see? I feel like a kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Gotta say something intelligent, nonchalant.
“Hey, aren't you usually at work 'bout now?” Brilliant, sheer ingenious.
Funny, though, something’s off with her. She seems suspicious, miffed, perturbed. Or maybe I’m just reading more into it. She’s looking straight at me when she speaks.
“Figured I'd be better off focusing on what's going on around here.”
Yep, feeling slightly ashamed for absolutely nothing. Even though my thoughts were having a field day, a mind of it’s own I’m telling ya. Wish I could tell her again, there’d never be any other. Never.
~(/)~
Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and…
you’re somebody that I found just in time.
~(/)~
Unbelievable. Here I am lying here, next to the woman I love. How I’ve longed to be near her again. This is better than all the sex we ever had together.
It all started when the boy and I returned from the mission. Found out they had turned Buffy out. Traitors, the lot of them. And Faith, stupid bint. Probably cried mutiny and they all jumped, thinking Buffy wasn’t getting it done. But she’s always gotten it done. Alright, so I’m partial. But I know my slayer.
She wanted me to leave; she had given up the fight. But I had news to give her. Information that may have been of some importance, and hoped it would change her tune. It didn’t work though, she was still down. Needed to make a different approach. Cause I know my slayer is no quitter. She would never just abandon saving the world.
I tried my best at first, but it didn’t work. She was exhausted, tired of all the death, of being in charge. Then she pissed me off good and proper. Telling me the only reason I hung around, followed her, pestered her, whatever, was because she was unattainable. What does she know? Nothing about what I feel, that’s for certain. So I let her have it.
I told her a little about me, about what I feel, what I think of her. And even though my heart has been dead for over 100 years, every syllable that came out of my mouth came from my heart. I just hope she believes me now whenever I tell her that I love her.
The speech seemed to have struck a chord with her. I wanted her to get some rest. She deserved it. But as I was walking to the door, she called. She wanted me to stay. That was enough to make me silently whoop for joy and I planned on plopping myself down in the armchair when she said no. I turned to her out of confusion and saw an odd look on her face. Apprehension, reservation? Whatever it was it didn’t matter because she was asking me to join her, on the bed, to hold her. I didn’t say a word, probably couldn’t have anyway if I tried. I was in heaven as she curled up beside me, letting me hold her, feel her skin pulsing under my touch. I held my breath.
After a bit, her head on my chest moved up to my shoulder and we looked at each other, into one another. I’ve never felt so at peace, so strong, so whole. I think she felt it too; at least I hope she did. She seemed to drift off quickly then and I decided I wanted more, to breathe her in, surround myself with every inch of her. And here I still lie, feeling warmth, comfort, needed and I think it’s time for me to rest.
~(/)~
If you want me to wait, I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay, I will stay right through.
If you don’t want to say anything at all,
I’m happy wondering.
~(/)~
After I woke alone, I feared things were back to like they were last year except of course the amazing sex part. But when I saw the slip of paper on the pillow, my heart swelled. She had left me a note to tell me not to worry, she needed to go on a mission. Surprised she thanked me as well, for staying with her.
As I walk through the door of the house, hoping upon hope I’d find her here, and to my relief, she is coming down the stairs. A sight for sore eyes even with the gargantuan blade from hell sitting in her tiny hands. She shows it off and her eyes are shining. Hmm, I tell her now I know why I got stood up, which in turn she apologizes for. You clot. So now what to say?
I follow her to the kitchen, sounds of sleeping slayerettes in the living room, and I tell her not to worry about it. I don’t want to hope anymore. Need to say something intelligent.
“…last night…was just a glitch. A bit of cold comfort from the cellar dweller. Let's don't make a thing out of it.”
Damn, she approves of that statement. Tells me she’s off, off on another solo mission. And we are at it again, always good with the verbal fighting. But I stop it. Me, the one who usually does the egging on. But I don’t want that anymore. And then she explains her newest mission so I wanna do my part. I’ll go off on my own assignment if it would help her and funny, she agrees with me again. I’m kinda getting used to this.
Wait a minute! She just called me a dope. And a bonehead and has this woman gone off her nut? So I ask her that. Bugger, now she’s off on a rant, one of her general’s speeches I presume and I…wait. She’s giving me credit which feels good by the way. But now she wants to know how I felt about last night and the truth slips out.
“Terrified.” Bugger it all.
God, I can’t do this. She seems to want to sincerely know but I’m afraid to let it out, my feelings, my true feelings. But there they go, right out my sodding mouth. I never know when to shut my gob. But I tell her in all honesty; it was the best night of my life. Prepare to get trampled on.
I don’t know why I have such a hard time believing that last night meant as much to her as it did to me. So I proceed to tell her why I’m terrified. She tries to reassure me and I don’t get it. What’s going on here? I don’t understand. Is she trying to tell me something, something I’ve longed to hear impart from her sweet lips? But there she goes again, mixing her words up for me, not admitting to anything. I don’t want to deal with this, don’t want my hopes to soar just to be dashed to the ground. I’ve gotta leave before I explode so I walk out the door.
~(/)~
Don’t tell me the bad news,
Don’t tell me anything at all.
Just tell me that you need me.
And stay right here with me.
~(/)~
I’m really getting good at this. I pour my heart out to the bitch and next thing I know, she’s off and jumping in the arms of the grand pouf himself. And what in bloody hell is he doing back here? This isn’t his place anymore. He’s always swooping in and taking what is mine. Well, I guess the slayer isn’t exactly mine, never was.
Bloody wanker. I grab the pad of paper and scribble a rough sketch of the bastard. Hmm, pretty good likeness if I should say so myself. If I can’t pound on him in the flesh, then I can pound on the next best thing. Besides, punching bags don’t strike back.
Naturally, she shows up while I’m getting my frustrations out. She’s alone, and I’m not sure of what to say. I want to rip her head off, scream at her every bloody obscenity I know, and over 120 years, I’ve learned a lot. I want to ask her why she’s such a…
“So…where's tall, dark and forehead?”
Oh, that was bloody brilliant. Why should I care where his broodiness is or what the hell he is doing…back here…in Sunnyhell…with my slayer. And she rolls her eyes at me? That along with a sarcastic remark. Was that a question? Cause, ooh, I’ll really tell her.
“Yeah, that and I also used my enhanced vampire eyeballs to watch you kissing him.”
Aha, caught her off guard. She looks guilty. Now she’s just making excuses, trying to clear her good name. Well, too damn bad. I saw them both snogging with my own two bloody eyes and her wiles are not going to work on me this time. I’m still royally pissed. And I’m out of fags. Damn it! And she thinks she’s so funny; time to change the subject. I want to see the thingamajig.
Interesting. Since she sent Angel off, who did she have in mind to wear the trinket?
“Someone with a soul, but more than human? Angel meant to wear it, that means I'm the qualified party.” See what she has to say to that.
Was that worry in her voice? Does she not want me to…oh, well, that hit below the belt. I’m not champion material in her eyes. Then again. Huh, she hands it over surprisingly. Oh, but maybe it’s just because she wants something from me. She needs a place to lay her pretty little head, huh? Well, well, well. Not caving in this time. If she thinks, after all that happened tonight, that I would concede to her needs, she’s got another thing coming. I have more self-respect than that, not going to be lead around on a leash anymore, not going…oh bloody hell.
What’s the use? I’d rather be with her than without her. I’m such a sap. And the way she looks at me, so tender and caring as she places her warm, soft hand on my face. God, I love this woman.
She slides her hand into mine and pulls me along, over to the cot in the corner. As she sits on the edge, I do the same and realize she still holds my hand but now it’s in both of hers. She turns her head to look at me, I do the same and she whispers a thank you. All I can do is nod my response and she smiles softly.
So, here we are again. Lying here next to each other, a perfect fit, I always thought. And all I want to do is stay here, with her, for all of eternity. I would stay with her through anything.
~(/)~
If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I will stay right through.
If you don’t want to say anything at all,
I’m happy wondering.
~(/)~
I don’t want to think about tomorrow. The right here, right now is enough. She came to me again tonight. I wasn’t expecting it. The final night before the big showdown and she ends up down here in the basement…with me. Gotta mean something…doesn’t it?
She doesn’t say it in words but I know this means a great deal to her. At least I hope, and you know I don’t like risking everything on hope, not anymore. But it’s there. No big deal. I’m happy just wondering.
The End!
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!