First, I wanted to wait until ‘Simply Absurd ‘ was over before starting the umpteenth fan fiction.. but then I changed my mind .. so, here we go!
Sorry if I keep annoying you, but inspiration struck again and I’m its humble slave , so.. here’s another Fan Fiction from me!
Anyway, I swear I'm gonna to update/complete all the stories I started, don't worry ! ;)
SE FOSSI IN TE ...
Main Pairings: Spike/Buffy (like that’s a surprise!), Xander/Anya, Angel/Cordelia… but they will switch, although they‘ll practically remain the same ... in a certain way..
Disclaimer: I want to thank the Director of the movie “Se Fossi in Te” and the cast for their inspiration, I might quote a few sentences from it... but I’m not sure about it, since I just begun writing it.
About BTVS, I’ve repeated ad nauseam that none of the characters belong to me but to the evil Joss & Co, I just borrow them to have some fun! ;-P
Plus, I took some stuff from Seasons 4, 5 and 6 (I won’t even enumerate the episodes), but of course, there’s also some stuff that comes from my imagination.
Setting: Season 6 of BTVS; but aside from that it’s AU, because Anya and Xander aren’t planning their marriage, and Riley doesn’t come back... and he never will! And Season 3 of ATS, but it’s even more AU, since I haven’t seen it after Season 2. Anyway, there’s no Darla and Connor (they would’ve given me too much trouble) and Fred (I hate her!) is replaced by Harmony. Plus, there no Shanshu prophecy... yeah, I think I changed quite a lot!
A big thanks to : My wonderful Mari, not only a beta, but a great friend , too ! ;)
Rating: PG 13/ NC 17
Summary: It means ‘If I were you’ and that’s the title of the Italian movie (my favourite) that inspired this FF, although it will be VERY different from the movie, otherwise what fun would it be? To begin with, it’s not a Fantasy FF, it takes place in the BTVS/ATSverse.
Anyway, the movie is about three men who are unhappy with their existences so... they switch them. So... what if something like that happened in the Buffyverse?
Don’t let the first kinda angsty chapters mislead you, because this story will turn out very fun, at least I hope so...
If you think this is the umpteenth FF about bodies switching , you’re soooo wrong.. chapter by chapter you’ll figure out what I mean..
Chapter 1: Denying The Undeniable
(Lyrics from ‘Must get out’ by Maroon 5, and ‘Easier to Run’ by Linkin Park, not only because I adore these two songs, but also because I think they fit to a T for this situation... check it out!)
“We gotta stop. We can’t go on like this. It’s wrong!” Buffy exclaimed, jumping from Spike’s bed and gathering all her clothes that lay scattered around the crypt.
The bleached blond showed her one of his cockiest smiles as he dressed up again. “And with this one it makes one hundred and eighty two times that you’ve said that!”
“This time I mean it!” she struck back.
“Ninety five times of saying that line!” he chuckled, fastening his jeans, but the will to laugh disappeared as soon as he met her gaze, a way too serious gaze.
This time she meant it for real.
“You’re taking advantage of me taking advantage of you!” she accused him.
“And to think that I was sure Dru was the enigmatic girl! What do you mean with that?” he narrowed his eyes.
“The things you keep doing to me, because I let you, because I want you to, all that is killing me... William!” she confessed with tearful eyes.
He looked at her stunned. She rarely, very rarely, called him by his real name; but when she did, it meant that she was considering him as a person, not a thing.
“Why? I’m just making you feel alive! That’s what you always tell me!”
“It’s true, but it’s not only that. You are confusing me. I feel that I’m slipping away from my world, bit by bit... and I don’t want to. I can’t love you. I don’t know where it will take me... and I don’t want to find out!”
< I can’t love you! Does that mean that she already loves me? > he thought.
“Hell, yeah, you can love a vampire, you already did and...”
“That was a totally different story!” she cut him off, bitterly.
The vampire narrowed his sapphire eyes.
“Oh, sure! Because he has his precious soul that makes him the bloody Champion of all the Champions! Well, I also turned my back to the evil...”
“You did just due to the chip!” she cut him off, dryly.
“Do you really think so? Don’t you think that it’s due to something I feel inside?” he struck back.
“Without a soul you can’t feel anything, not even the love you claim you feel for me!” she snapped, but immediately brought a hand to her mouth, shocked, with tearful eyes, as if she was aware that she had exaggerated, that she had said something she didn’t think for real.
Of course, Spike didn’t have a soul, but he loved her and she knew that very well, he had shown her thousands of times. He could feel everything, from the almost fraternal affection for Dawn, to the unconditional love for Buffy... to the pain she could read in his eyes due to her last words.
“You know what, Slayer? I’m not killing you, you are already doing the job on your bloody own, because you are preventing yourself from finding the true happiness you could achieve with me, if only you quit deceiving yourself, if only you realized what you really want. But I guess I’ll never hear those seventy-six bloody trombones play!” he snapped, leaving the crypt furiously.
Buffy remembered very well that speech, it had been right before their very first kiss. It wasn’t a spell, it wasn’t a dream, it wasn’t a reward that came out of thankfulness... it was a real kiss, a kiss with capital K, the prelude of an endless yet troubled love.
Especially now that Spike was gone, who knows where, who knows for how long.
< He’s going away from me. That’s what I wanted, wasn’t it? Why am I feeling so damn empty then? > she thought as she heard him set his car in motion.
She ran towards him.
“Spike, wait!” she screamed, reaching him.
He turned off the car, but didn’t move to get out of it, he confined himself to open the car door.
“Will you be back?” she wondered with a faint voice.
“Why do you care? After all I’m nothing but a wicked soulless demon without any feelings!” he snapped, shutting the door and leaving as fast as he could.
He forced himself not to look on the rear-view mirror as the girl’s figure became smaller and smaller until she was completely gone, because her sad green eyes would’ve been a way too strong call for him.
And he didn’t want to surrender.
I’VE BEEN THE NEEDLE AND THE THREAD
WEAVING FIGURE EIGHTS AND CIRCLES ROUND YOUR HEAD
In the kind of relationship they had, Spike had done all he could do, he had almost loved for the both of them; he had tried to make her understand, to enter in her mind.
I TRY TO LAUGH BUT CRY INSTEAD
PATIENTLY WAIT TO HEAR THE WORDS YOU’VE NEVER SAID
He had acted as if he was happy, as if everything amused him, but he suffered inside and sometimes he found himself crying, blaming the sensible and fragile poet who was still inside him.
He had waited for a long time for her to say the three magic words he knew that she wanted to tell him, but now he was losing all his hope.
FUMBLING THROUGH YOUR DRESSER DRAWER
FORGOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR
TRY TO GUIDE ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION
And yet, the girl whom by nature he should kill had changed him, so much so that it made him do something he would never believe he was capable of, like sneaking through the window into her bedroom to take some of her garments, anything that could make him remember her.
She had made him turn his back to evil; the chip was just a secondary factor. That tiny annoying object just prevented him from hurting people, but Buffy made him * want * not to kill people, that was different.
He remembered how hard he had tried to impress her, just like when he was helping some injured people at the Bronze, but he didn’t dare taste not even a drop of their blood.
MAKING USE OF ALL THIS TIME
KEEPING EVERYTHING INSIDE
CLOSE MY EYES AND LISTEN TO YOU CRY
He remembered the nights when he was dying to tell Buffy how he felt about her, but he had to keep it all inside and just be the shoulder she could cry on.
I’M LIFTING YOU UP, I’M LETTING YOU DOWN
He had lifted her up in her blackest moments, but he had also let her down, when he didn’t manage to save her, because he hadn’t been fast enough and that was still something he couldn’t forgive himself for.
And he was letting her down now, because he didn’t have a soul.
I’M DANCING ‘TIL DAWN, I’M FOLLING AROUND
Now he didn’t know what to do. Sure, he could have gone to some pubs and fool around with some nice girls but it would be useless. No way, he wanted to dance only with his Slayer.
I’M NOT GIVING UP, I’M MAKING YOUR LOVE
THIS CITY’S MADE US CRAZY AND WE MUST GET OUT
He didn’t want to give up. He could make the love that that girl kept hidden inside to surface again. But right now he just wanted to get out from the town that was making him crazy.
The best solution would be to take Buffy away with him, away from the hellmouth and her duties, but he knew that that would just make things worse. Plus, he had learned his lesson very well: Buffy didn’t like being knocked down and abducted.
AND THIS IS NOT A GOODBYE SHE SAID
IT’S JUST TIME FOR ME TO REST MY HEAD
In a swing of emotions she had showed him that, as she had also had all the times when she swore and swore again that it was over between them, but it wasn’t ever a real goodbye.
At the very end, he knew that somehow even now it wasn’t over for real; he just needed to rest and be alone with his thoughts.
SHE DOESN’T WALKS, SHE RUN INSTEAD
DOWN THESE JAGGED STREETS AND INTO MY BED
Usually, when they argued, she left his crypt in a fury, but she didn’t stay away for too long, she always ran back to his crypt at deep night to slip into his bed and make up with him.
But this time it wouldn’t happen.
THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH I CAN DO FOR YOU
AFTER ALL OF THE THINGS YOU PUT ME THROUGH
He would’ve done anything for her, if only she’d given him the chance, no matter all the things she had put him through.
******************************** (In the meantime)
Buffy had returned to his crypt.
For the very first time the place seemed to be really cold and barren to her. She saw Spike’s coat on the more than messed up bed. In the hurry to leave he had forgotten it there. She laid it on the mattress, as if he was inside it, and cuddled close to it as tears rolled down her cheeks.
< Oh God, what did I do? This time I’ve lost him forever! >
IT’S EASIER TO RUN, REPLACING THIS PAIN WITH SOMETHING NUMB
IT’S SO MUCH EASIER TO GO THAN FACING THE PAIN HERE ALL ALONG
Everyone believed that she was brave, because she was the Slayer, but truth was that she felt just like a big coward. Yes, because for her it was easier to run away from her only chance of salvation and replace it with something dead and unreal.
She stand up and face all the people she cared and upset them... even if that meant to give up on the one she cared the most.
SOMETHING HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM DEEP INSIDE OF ME
A SECRET I’VE KEPT LOCKED AWAY, NO ONE CAN EVER SEE
Spike had gone away and she felt as if something had been ripped off her. But that was a secret that she kept jealously, because no one should never know.
WOUNDS SO DEEP THEY NEVER SHOW, THEY NEVER GO AWAY
LIKE MOVING PICTURES IN MY HEAD, FOR YEARS AND YEARS THEY PLAYED
Images of Spike kept playing in her head, she saw Spike during all those years, first as a mortal enemy, then as an ally, then as mortal enemy again, then a friend and finally as her lover.
But those memories did nothing but hurt her more.
IF I COULD CHANGE I WOULD, TAKE BACK THE PAIN I WOULD
RETRACE EVRY WRONG MOVE THAT I MADE I WOULD
IF I COULD TAKE ALL THE SHAME TO THE GRAVE I WOULD
That made her wish that she could fix things, take back all the words she had said, retrace the path without making the same mistakes anymore, so she would bury that unreasonable sense of shame in the same grave she had come out from a few months before.
But she couldn’t do that, so she found easier to run away from everything.
SOMETIMES I REMEMBER THE DARKNESS OF MY PAST
BRINGING BACK THOSE MEMORIES I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE
Sure, during the recent epidemic of songs that afflicted Sunnydale, supported by a chorus, some notes and rhymes, Buffy had confessed to her friends what they had done to her. But no one, except for Spike, knew how she really felt, having had the illusion of Heaven and then coming back to the life that she considered Hell, even more darker and unliveable than before, especially now her light had been turned off.
Yes. No matter how paradoxical it sounds, that vampire, that creature of darkness was the only light outside the tunnel that now had become an endless labyrinth.
SOMETIMES I THINK OF LETTING GO, AND NEVER LOOKING BACK
AND NEVER MOVING FORWARD SO THERE WOULD NEVER BE A PAST
She just wanted to turn back time, just a couple of hours before, when she was still in his arms and she felt alive, so she could have stopped time right then, without moving forward anymore.
But she couldn’t, so she wished there was no past, because to remember was too painful.
JUST WASHING IT ASIDE, ALL OF THIS HELPLESNESS INSIDE
PRETENDING I DON’T FEEL MISPALCED, IT’S SO MUCH EASIER THAN CHANGE
She knew that her wishes wouldn’t turn true, so the only thing left to do was to wash it all aside, become strong again and act with the others as is everything was alright.
Although it wasn’t true.
TBC
I know, I know pretty sad start. But trust me, this FF will turn into a comedy soon, although the real story begins after chapter three.. be patient!
Anyway, thank you for reading I hope you’ll like it!
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!