How is it that even from this distance I can feel her? Her smile, those eyes, her strength and her passion, it’s all pulling at me; ripping me apart.
Does she know I’m back? Can she feel me too? No, she would have come, that much I know…or I know nothing and she doesn’t care. But she was born to care, caring is her destiny. To care about the world and everything that has the potential to be good in it, such a heavy burden on such a tiny frame. No, she would have come.
There’s no scar on my hand from those final moments in that ill fated cave but I think that somehow that helps me remember every detail. Because there should be a scar, there should be something tangible, something I can touch but because there’s not I find myself going over that scene in my head almost hourly. I burn it into my soul because it didn’t burn itself into my skin.
I’ve been corporeal now for 67 days. Could’ve been on my way to see her 67 times by now…but I’m afraid. I don’t give a flying fuck about coming up with an entrance to beat my exit, that’s not what keeps me here. What keeps me here is that flicker of truth in her eyes when she told me she loved me. Ironic isn’t it? Shouldn’t that be the reason that I do go to her? I find a reason everyday not to but it always comes down to the fact that I’m afraid that flicker will be gone and when she’s long dead and buried I want to be able to cradle that flicker tucked in my heart until I dust.
I’m a selfish, bad man. I know that if something were to happen to her I’d regret my stagnancy and blame myself, probably hitch a ride on a first class sunbeam out of this piece o’ shit world…I’ve never claimed to be logical.
Peaches’ new mission is to drive home the ‘fact’ that she’s moved on to me daily. Stupid git couldn’t even tell it wasn’t Buffy in that club. But I could. I know her moves all too well, in a club or in a battle that’s not how my slayer dances. I pretended though, I pretended because sometimes a pretense is better than having to ask yourself “what if your wrong?”
What if she’s out there mourning me?
What if she needs my help?
What if she never stopped, if not loving, feeling for me?
I would never forgive myself, and so I pretend. Pretend that it’s okay that I’m over here and she’s out there, I pretend it’s okay not to be close to the woman who made me a man and I pretend, and pray, that my love, be it from a distance, is enough to keep her safe.
I look down at the city from my perch on the roof.
She has to go on living.
I sigh and run a hand over my face, stupid Giles. Apparently it’s not enough to slay for the new council if I’m getting paid, no, now I have to do paperwork too? This is more aggravating then the time Spike was tied up in Giles’ bathtub demanding to watch Passions. I smile. Everything reminds me of him, every single thing I think of will trigger another memory once thought forgotten, or maybe repressed. Sometimes they bring tears, other times a smile, more often than not they bring anger. Not at first, no, they’re too subtle for that. First they bring the other emotions, and then only after that do they remind me that I walked away from him while he turned to dust. And I hate myself for it. I’m angry at the girl in me for being too weak to let him love me and I hate the slayer for being too strong to die a third time that day.
I feel him sometimes though I’m sure it’s all in my head.
If a breeze gives me the chills, it’s Spike.
If I sleep thru the night, it’s only because Spike must have been there chasing away the nightmares.
Every time I win a fight, it’s because Spike wanted me to go on living.
I shake my head and start to file again, good, I’ve gotten to the D’s. One file stands out in particular, it’s marked with a red warning stamp and I look at the name.
Danna.
I remember hearing her name, the crazy slayer Giles had a team sent to L.A to catch and subdue.
I go to open the file and notice my hand is shaking. And then I see his face and the rest of me catches up with my hand. Violent tremors that start in my soul and work themselves outwards. Why is his face in this file? This file was made after he died. I triple check the dates inside, yes, he was dust when this file was made. What kind of sick fucker would do this to me? I want to think it’s Giles still mad about me choosing to have Spike in my life but we’ve come such a long way since Sunnydale that I don’t want to believe that at all. And then, out of nowhere, I know that I have to look for the files that start with W…
And I find him.
And my heart breaks.
And I sob.
William the Bloody asshole! Why didn’t he find me? Why did he not come?
There’s no choice left, I know what I have to do. I have to show him.
It’s quiet tonight, almost as if the city can feel something is coming; I can feel it too. It’s a warning that goes bone deep and my skin is itching for a fight. I’m hunting more than patrolling thru the alley ways, my insides screaming at me to go to…to what?
And then it hits me. To her of course. I know there must be a smile on my face as I dart across the street and turn left, I’m only a few blocks away and then I can smell her and I swear to God my fucking heart beats.
When she comes into my sight her back is turned to me but she knows, she always did.
I see her shoulders tense and for the unlife of me I can’t think of anything to say.
She turns to face me slowly; as if afraid a sudden movement will make me disappear…and for a moment I’m almost convinced I will, that this is just another dream.
I’m standing dead still, which isn’t so hard for someone that suffers from being dead, when her eyes meet mine.
“There it is” I hear myself saying, the words ripped from my throat of their own accord.
“There’s what?” she asks, and her voice shakes just a little.
“My flicker.”
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!