Buffy walked through the cemetery; only one thing on her mind; one destination. Lately patrolling didn’t really mean slaying. It meant going to Spike’s, and killing anything evil she came in contact with on the way. She was supposed to patrol in order to keep herself in proper slayer shape. But it’s not like she didn’t get a workout at Spike’s; plenty of “exorcizing” to be done. She almost laughed at that. It had been a few weeks since that little incident. And still she didn’t think that Xander had put two and two together. But why would he?
She was almost there. Almost to the place she would be for the next few hours, having a better time there then she ever had when she was with her friends. She stopped walking at that thought, and flashed back to what he had told her the night that they first…
“Don’t you get it, don’t you see? You came back wrong.”
Of course that had to be it, because otherwise she would not feel like this. She would not rather spend her time with Spike than her friends. The real Buffy would never let Spike touch her. But this person she was now could care less bout this world and all the people in it. She knew that wasn’t true. She did care about her friends and Dawn; she was just tired of always having to be the one that they relied on when she couldn’t even rely on herself to be…herself. Her conclusion as always with these inner conflictions was that she wasn’t the Buffy that they all knew and loved, but was instead some other thing that was reduced to hiding in the dark with her vampire lover. Lover. What a word that was to describe him. Never had she ever thought of him as that before; before she was ripped out of Heaven. Never. Always as a disgusting, evil enemy, and maybe a confidant, but never as a lover. Until now. What was happening to her? Oh, right, this wasn’t her anymore.
She had reached the door before she had even realized that she had moved. She stared at it for a second. To go in, or not to go in, that was the question; the very difficult question that she had to face every night. Except those nights when he came to her. That happened sometimes. She liked it better that way because then it wouldn’t be her who was giving in. At least, that’s what she told herself. Usually, when she was in this position she would submit and just go in, and he would be ready. He usually knew she was there before she opened the door. So, he would be standing there, looking all hot and sexy, and she would just go to him, and then it would begin; their nightly routine. Tonight, however, when she opened the door, he still had his back to her, watching what appeared to be an episode of Dawson’s Creek. She walked in slowly and closed the door behind her. There was still no reaction from him. He seemed not to notice her as she walked over beside him and sat on the arm of his chair.
“Whatcha watching?” she asked, trying to make him speak. He was never like this.
“Dawson’s Creek,” he replied without looking up.
“Oh. Is it interesting?” She hoped that this would get him to talk.
“Yeah,” was his simple answer.
She nodded and bit her lip, wondering what he was thinking. They sat in silence for a few minutes until the credits on the show rolled. He looked up at her. She looked nervous and a little angsty. He knew what she wanted. But instead of saying something, he just looked back at the TV screen. She glanced down at him. She had expected him to say something she really hated and then grab her and kiss her and get it all started. She was never the one to have to make the first move, and didn’t plan on starting tonight. It was bad enough that she had come to him, but she wasn’t going to start it all too. That would seem like she was way too desperate. But he didn’t appear to be moving anytime soon.
“Do you need something?” His words were not harsh, but still shocked her a little. That was the last thing she had expected him to say.
“Well, I…” She realized what he was doing. Trying to make her admit what she came here for. Well, if he wanted to play.
“Not really. Just got bored on patrol and decided to stop by and see what you were doing,” she said, smiling at him. Even though he wasn’t looking at her, she knew that he knew what she was doing.
“Oh, that’s nice.” He got up from his chair and walked across the room to his refrigerator. He opened it and got out a jar of what appeared to be blood.
“Eww. You aren’t going to drink that are you?” Buffy really didn’t want him drinking that before he kissed her. Which she was sure he would do any minute.
He looked at her with a weird expression. Then he said, “Well, yeah. I’m a vampire, that’s what we do.”
He went to take a sip of it. Buffy cringed. He stopped and looked at her again.
“Why, do you have a problem with it?”
“Well I…I mean I just…it’s so gross and…” Buffy knew that she was babbling. She was also getting irritated by the fact the Spike was just looking at her with an amused look on his face. “You know what? Go ahead. What do I care?” she said, putting on her best ‘I don’t care’ face.
He shrugged and took a big gulp of it. Buffy stuck out her tongue and couldn’t believe that she had told him to do that. Now he was going to taste like blood; one bad thing about having a vampire lover. There was that word again. Stupid, stupid word. By this time, Spike had drunk enough to satisfy him, and put the rest back in the refrigerator. She looked at him. There were traces of blood on his mouth. Buffy crinkled up her nose.
“Why do you have to do that?”
“Eat you mean?” His face had an unreadable expression on it.
Buffy furrowed her brow. He had a strange, but true, point. The man did have to eat. But why now? Why couldn’t he have waited till after? Stupid vampire. He probably did it on purpose just to test her. See how much she really wanted it. If she wanted it bad enough, then she would disregard the blood. God how she hated him.
She looked over at him to find him smirking. That was never a good thing.
She half smiled. “What?” She bit the tip of her tongue between her teeth.
“You.”
He shook his head and walked over to where she was sitting.
‘Ok finally time for action’ Buffy thought.
He cocked his head to the side, studying her, trying to figure out what she was thinking. She had a look on her face of confusion and a hint of desire; which was not good considering what he was about to tell her. He had dreaded this moment all day long. But he knew that he had to do this. No matter what the consequences might be. He drew in a deep breath. His head went back to its normal position.
“Buffy, we need to talk.”
Buffy felt her stomach fall. Nothing good ever came after, ‘we need to talk.’
“Okay,” she managed.
He sighed and looked at the floor.
“Uhh…well…see, I’ve been thinking and…I think that it’s time that we…uhh…”
Buffy was staring at him uneasily. He looked up to meet her eyes. He found it harder to speak those dreadful words.
“We can’t do this anymore.”
Buffy didn’t seem to understand what he meant.
“I…I don’t…” she began.
“This. This having sex thing. We can’t. Not anymore.” His face was serious.
Buffy couldn’t believe what she had just heard him say. And at first she wanted to pretend that he was just kidding. But with the look on his face, she could tell that he wasn’t. He turned and started walking toward the bottom of his crypt. She wanted so much to believe that he wanted her to follow and that this was all a big joke until…
“You should go home then.” He turned to face her. “And don’t come back unless you want something other than just that.” He started to go down to the lower level but her voice stopped him.
“So, this is it then. No more. Just like that. What’s going on? I mean you never seemed to have a problem with it before.” Buffy said the words before she could stop herself.
He started back toward her.
“No, not just like that. It’s been a long time coming; we both know that,” he said waving his hand around. “It was only a matter of time before one of us decided that it had to end, and I would rather it be me.”
She glared at him.
“Why? Why you? You know maybe I didn’t even come here tonight to have sex with you. Maybe I was here to break it off. Maybe I decided that I had had enough of you!” Buffy all but yelled.
He kept the same emotionless face. “That’s good then. We both want it to end, so it ends here and now.”
“Fine!”
“Fine.”
They stood there looking at each other for a moment before he spoke again, lowering his head.
“You know as well as I do that I don’t want this to end.”
The words surprised her.
“But it’s the right thing to do.”
“Is it?”
He looked up at her not being able to read the emotions that now played on her beautiful features.
“Yeah, it’s wrong. Don’t need me to tell you that of course, you already knew.”
It was true, she did know. She’d known from the beginning. That’s why she had tried so hard to fight it.
“Yeah,” was her simple answer. She suddenly found her hands very interesting.
“But, I’ll uhh…I’ll be here if you, you know…if you need anything.”
She didn’t look at him.
“Right, well, then I guess I better go,” she said, getting up and walking toward the door, avoiding touching him at all.
“I think that would be a good idea.”
She stopped short of the door.
“What brought on this sudden insight?” She half turned around but didn’t look at him.
“What?” he asked a little confused.
She turned her head to face him. “When did you all the sudden decide the difference between right and wrong?”
This made him a bit angry, and his face showed it. “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.”
“Well, I do.”
Buffy had lost all control over her mouth at this point. She had turned all the way around and started back toward him.
“Why, all of the sudden, after months, have you decided that it’s not right? I mean, you would think that you would be happy that I even give you the time of day; that I would even look at you without disgust.”
He grew angrier.
“You wanna know why? Why I decided this? Because I love you, that’s why.”
“Bull shit,” she spat at him.
He ignored her. “Because I love you enough to see what this is doing to you. And because I love you enough to stop.”
Buffy swallowed hard trying to think of what awful thing she could say to him next, but he spoke first.
“You don’t love me. I know that. I’m not a complete moron. And that’s why it’s wrong. That’s why we have to stop now.” He sighed. “The only way it’s gonna happen again, is if it’s more than just a good feeling.”
“What makes you so sure that that’s all it is?”
He grabbed her by her shoulders, surprising her a little.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t just come to me because it’s easier than facing your friends. Because you like the way it feels. Answer me something, Summers. Would you be here with me if Peaches was here? Or Captain Cardboard? Tell me. Tell me that if one of them came back to you that you would still be here with me.”
Buffy could only stare at him. She knew that he was probably right. If one of them came along she would probably ditch him in a heartbeat. She felt sick.
He let go of her arms and turned away from her. She knew he didn’t want her to see the pain she was sure his face held. And she was glad because she didn’t want to see it. She stared at the floor.
“I hate this.”
Neither of them made an attempt to move.
“Every second of everyday. I hate it.” His voice wavered.
Buffy felt a tear slide down her cheek. Why did he have to bring up the emotional stuff? It was never this hard when they didn’t have to talk about his feelings. It was better when she could pretend that he didn’t have any. She wanted nothing more than to just turn and run away and pretend that he wasn’t here. Pretend that she had had the strength to kill him. But she couldn’t move. Damn her feet.
He wanted to say more to her. Wanted to tell her how much it hurt. But all he could say was, “This may not have meant that much to you but it has meant everything to me.” If his heart could beat it would have been pounding. “But…” He didn’t want her to know how weak he felt. So instead he turned his emotions to anger. “I guess it doesn’t matter because after all, evil soulless things don’t feel.”
She looked up at him. He was now facing her with a look of pure anger on his face, but his face softened when he looked at her. Her face turned cold. If that was the way he wanted it then that’s the way it would be.
“You’re right.”
His face never changed. “Alright then.”
She was becoming frustrated. She wanted to fight him. Not able to stop herself she walked up to him and punched him in the face. He stumbled back.
“You don’t feel.” She stalked over to him and punched him again. “You can’t love.” She went in for another one but he caught her fist. She stared coldly at him. “And you’ll never be good enough for me.” She punched him with her other fist and jerked away from him.
Blood was once again present on his face. He showed no signs of caring. This made her even madder than she already was.
“So you not gonna fight back, Spikey?” Her heart was racing.
He ignored her last comment.
“Maybe I’m not. That’s just the way it is. Because you know what Buffy? This is me. This is who I am. And this is all that I will ever be. And if that’s not good enough for you, then it’s not. I can’t help that.”
Her anger started to fade away as she listened to his words.
“I’m sorry that I can’t be anything other than this. I’ve tried. But there’s no point anymore. There’s no point in trying to be something that I can’t ever be. So I’m done. No more trying. No more bothering you about all of this. It’s over.” He was breathing hard, even though it wasn’t necessary.
Buffy felt like she wanted to throw up again. “So it’s over? No more? Ever?” Her tone sounded like she didn’t believe what he had told her.
“I guess that’s up to you, now innit’?”
He looked at her with his eyebrows raised, and she lowered her head.
“Right.” He sighed and shook his head. “Well I guess you better run. Wouldn’t want anyone worrying.”
She nearly laughed. Like they would be expecting her anytime soon. But instead of informing him of this, she simply turned and walked toward the door. But for some reason, she couldn’t leave. She couldn’t help but feel like there was something else that had to be done before she left.
“So what do we do now?” She didn’t even bother to turn around.
“We don’t do anything. You do. Balls in your court, Slayer.”
The End
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!