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Authors Chapter Notes:
Okay, so just to clarify some things... There is no Wolfram & Hart and Lorne is still running Caritas. Cordy and Connor never got it on which never created Jasmine which never made Connor go crazy or put Cordy in a coma lol

A HUGE thank you goes to PaganBaby and xaphania for a lot of things. This fic probably wouldn't see the light of day if I didn't have them behind me 100%. I want to thank them for listening to me ramble on about plots, giving me suggestions, and helping me figure out the smaller details that helps everything come together really well. They've been amazing, and I'm forever in their debt! They both beta'd this chapter too.

Now, with that said, I would like the readers to know that I have a lot written out already and I'm majorly inspired. I will be posting once a week, every Sunday. I hope everyone likes!! I'm incredibly excited about this fic!


Prologue

The night after the Hellmouth collapsed



He woke up with a start, his body jumping as if he had just crashed into the pavement. His body felt sore, like he had just ran a marathon without any pit stops to rest his tired muscles. Slowly raising himself up off the cold and wet ground, trying not to irritate his sore muscles the best he could, he got into a sitting position, his back up against the wall. It was raining, he noticed, the droplets of water flattening his hair to his head. 'Well this is just great,' he thought, rubbing his shoulders to subdue the pain.

He rested his head against the wall, taking a deep breath. He closed his eyes, trying to remember what he had been doing last and what had caused him to be lying face down in an alley. After much thinking, he realized had no clue how he got where he was, wherever he was, or why his body was so tired and sore. He didn't remember what he had been doing before waking up or where he was from. He didn't even know what his name was.

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, trying his hardest to remember, but his mind was a complete blank. Nothing.

He started to panic.

Forgetting the pain in his body, he pushed himself to his feet and staggered out of the alley. When he got to the opening, he looked left, finding nothing but the empty road and lit up store signs. Upon looking right, he saw a woman walking towards him, an umbrella over her head to keep the water from drenching her already semi-wet clothes.

He stopped her, grabbing the woman by her arm. “Do you know who I am?” he asked, hoping that the lady could help him. When the lady shook her head, a glint of fear in her eyes, Spike grabbed the woman's hand. "Please, help me!"

“No,” she replied. “I don't know you! Now, get your hands off of me!”

He growled, feeling a strange sensation, as if the bones and skin of his face were moving and changing as he got angrier. The woman let out a shriek as she tried to push him away from her. Her struggling only served to make him angrier.

Without thinking, he lunged at her throat, his teeth sinking into her skin and he sucked, pulling her blood into his mouth. He didn't understand why he had the sudden need to do this to the poor woman, he just did it by instinct, tiny whispers in his head telling him to take her. To taste her.

It was then that he noticed that he could smell her blood, the tangy aroma of iron and something undeniably human. He could hear her heartbeat, slowly becoming fainter as he drank her life source. He could also smell something that made him want to bite harder, to take more blood from her body. He didn't know what it was, but it was intoxicating. He wanted more blood. He wanted more.

When he heard her heart beat for the last time, he let the body drop, the heavy thud making him smile. He gave her a nudge with his boot, turning her lifeless body so he could look into her eyes.

Wrong move.

As soon as he saw the dull glaze over her eyes, the empty pits of lifelessness, he felt his chest clench. Seeing her like that snapped him out of the bizarre sort of trance he'd been in. “What... what have I done?!” he cried out, pulling the woman into his arms as tears silently fell from his eyes.

He held the body for what felt like hours, slowly rocking back and forth as guilt filled him. He didn't understand why he had wanted to kill her so badly. He didn’t know who – or what - the hell he was. All he knew was that he didn’t want to be the cause of anymore death. He didn’t want to kill anyone else. He needed to find out who he was.

He searched the woman’s coat, looking for a wallet, or something that could tell him who she was. Finding nothing, he noticed her purse and picked it up, rifling through it until he found her wallet. He opened it, pulling the first card out and looking at the name.

“I'm sorry, Zoey,” he whispered as he looked at the pictures in the clear plastic slots.

One was of a little girl and a boy. Another was one of Zoey with a man, smiling as they held hands. He pulled both pictures out, looking on the back for names. The little girl’s name was Alicia and the boy's name was Zach. The man with Zoey was Matt.

He felt his heart lurch; knowing that she had a family only made the guilt worse.

“I'm so sorry,” he said one more time before he got up and walked away. He hated to just leave her there on the sidewalk like a discarded piece of trash, but he had to run, he had to get far, far away from there.

He didn't know where he was going, but he would know when he got there. The first thing he wanted to do, the only thing on his mind, was to curl up in a ball and wait for the stolen heat in his body to go away.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Chapter One

Three months later



Buffy threw back the shot that was handed to her, grimacing at the taste. She wondered why it still affected her, considering she had been drinking almost every day straight for the last month and a half, and yet her throat still burned as she swallowed.

She remembered drinking with Spike in his crypt, how he got that cute little smile every time she took a shot. She smiled at that memory, but the smile was short lived. She’ll never see him smile like that again.

“Gimme a... another,” she said, waving her hand at the green demon who was serving her. “Make it stronger.”

Lorne laughed, shaking his head as he pulled the bottle of tequila off the shelf. “Buffy, honey, are you sure you want something stronger? I mean, I love to drink with you, but you're coming up on your limit pretty quickly.”

“Shhhhhhush!” She giggled. “I have no limit, for I am the almighty Slayer!” She pounded her chest for effect, rubbing the pain away discreetly.

“Yeah, the almighty Pain-In-My-Ass,” he scoffed as he poured the golden liquid into another shot glass, then a second one for himself. “To lost lovers, huh?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, throwing the alcohol back and popping the proffered lemon wedge into her mouth. “To Spike.”

Turning her back on the demon to hide the tears in her eyes, she tried to focus her attention to the singing demon on the stage. She couldn't tell what he... she... it was singing, but she found herself swaying to the beat, trying to ignore the horrible voice. “Lorne?” she asked, her eyes closing as she listened.

“What do you want, Sugarplum?”

“I want to sing,” she said, her voice becoming determined. “I want to get a reading, now.”

She had been denying Lorne every time she came to the newly reopened Caritas, telling the green demon that she didn't want anyone poking about in her head. She had thought about it for a long time, thinking more and more about the good things that could come from a reading. Lorne could help her. He could tell her where he went. Heaven? Hell? Purgatory? If he was okay, wherever he was. Maybe he was still alive... she knew that idea was far fetched, considering she had seen him start to burn up with her own eyes, but she needed to know. Buffy was hesitant to do any kind of ‘bringing Spike back’ spell because of what she’d personally been through. What if he’d ended up in a good place and she yanked him away from it like her friends had done to her? She couldn’t take that chance. That meant that her only hope was that Spike had somehow survived, and he was out there somewhere. She needed to know if she would ever see him again. Lorne could answer her questions, at least some of them. He could set her on the right path to get to him, and she wanted that desperately.

When he died, she’d felt like she'd died with him. She felt so lost and alone without him around, and she wanted him back. If there was any way she could have him back, except resurrection - that way lays badness - she would do it. Whatever it took, even if she had to sing. 'I'm not ready for you not to be here...'

“Really?!” Lorne asked, feeling excited already. He was a minute away from reading the best Slayer that had ever lived. If that didn't bring excitement to an empath demon, he didn't know what would. “Of course you can! Go, get your cute butt on up there and sing to your heart’s desire!”

Buffy nodded once, picked up the bottle of tequila and took a pull before she headed over to the stage. She chose a song on the karaoke screen, then picked up the microphone.


She listened to the opening chords of the song with her eyes closed, knowing that she wouldn't need to read the words. She knew this song backwards and forwards. When it was time, she started to sing.

I miss those blue eyes,
How you kissed me at night,
I miss the way we sleep,
Like there's no sunrise,
Like the taste of your smile,
I miss the way we breathe,


Lorne stopped what he was doing, almost dropping the glass in his hand, as he was hit with the onslaught of emotion coming from the Slayer. He felt his knees wobble with the weight of the world that was brought down on his shoulders. Everything. Everything - from before she was called - right up to what she was feeling that very moment was being conveyed to him. She wasn't holding back, wanting him to read everything. He knew what she was looking for, and he couldn't help. Not that he didn't want to. He did. He wanted to help heal the pain in her heart, but the path she wanted to be directed to would only lead to something bad. He knew what was coming, and she needed to stay away from her fallen lover to prevent it from happening.

But I never told you,
What I should have said,
No I never told you,
I just held it in,
And now I miss everything about you,
I can’t believe that I still want you,
After all the things we've been through,
I miss everything about you,
Without you,


“Lorne!” Angel said, as he walked up to his friend, seeing the tears in his red eyes. “You okay? You look like you're gonna... Buffy?!”

I see your blue eyes,
Every time I close mine,
You make it hard to see,
Where I belong to when I'm not around you,
It’s like I'm gone with you,


Angel stood there, his jaw dropped as she sang. She was like an angel, her voice reaching every note, low or high. When he heard her singing about a pair of blue eyes, he quickly shut his mouth and turned to the teary-eyed demon. “What are you getting from her?! Why is she singing about Spike?!”

“Zip it, Angel,” Lorne said with a frown. “I'm not telling you anything. Client to empath demon confidentiality.”

But I never told you,
What I should have said,
No I never told you,
I just held it in,
And now I miss everything about you,
Still you're gone,
I can’t believe that I still want you,
I'm in love with you, I never should have walked away,
After all the things we've been through,
I miss everything about you,
Without you,


Buffy placed the microphone on the stand, taking a bow in front of the audience, smiling softly at the applause. She'd heard that song on the radio and had become hooked to it, it reminded her too much of Spike to ignore. She knew that when she got home tonight, she wouldn't be able to sleep. That song always made her want to cry like a baby. She had to hold it in now, though. She had to wait to let the tears flow freely.

She walked over to Lorne, cursing under her breath when she saw Angel. She was lucky the effects of the alcohol had worn off whilst she was on stage, otherwise he would chastise her - again - about drinking by herself. 'Some demon could come and kill you! You have to keep your wits about you, not drown yourself in liquor!' She scoffed, her inner voice imitating Angel. What did he know?

“Angel,” she said, crossing her arms. “What're you doing here?”

“What am I doing here?! What about you? And you're singing about Spike!”

“So?” both Lorne and Buffy said, giving the soulful vampire a scowl.

“I... I just... oh, never mind. I have to talk to you, Buffy. Something is--”

“I'm busy,.” she stated flatly, giving him a not-so-gentle push to the side so she could sit in front of Lorne. “So, what did you get from... you know what? How about we go somewhere else, so Mr. Broody-Pants can't hear us?”

Angel groaned. He really wanted to know what Lorne had read from her, but it looked like he wouldn't get a chance. He watched as Lorne and Buffy walked near the stage, leaning in closer to each other so they could whisper. They were drowned out by the music, despite his enhanced vampire hearing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


“You're not gonna like it, Sugarplum,” Lorne said, a sad look on his face. “I saw everything. And when I say everything, I mean the whole enchilada. I saw your parents’ divorce, Merrick's death, right up to your last moments with Spike.”

Buffy took a deep breath, ready to hear the 'bad news'. “Okay, just tell me. I can take it.”

“Spike is alive,” he blurted, taking a step back from the Slayer. He could see a smile start to bloom on her lips. “But...”

Her face fell. “I knew there would be a but. You had 'but face'.”

Lorne smiled sadly. “But... You can't go find him. In fact, you should stay as far away from him as you can. I know you don't want to hear this, but you might as well forget about him. He can't come--”

“Shut up,” she said, her tone deadly. When Lorne went to say something else, she held her hand up, stopping him.

She took a couple of steps away, afraid that she'd rip the friendly demon's head off. “You're telling me that the one thing that I want more than anything, I have to live without? You're saying that I should forget about him?!” She all but screamed the last part, her voice getting shrill with the threat of tears. “Well, screw you!”

Lorne watched hopelessly as she turned around and ran, with Angel close behind her.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


“Buffy!” Angel called, as he tried to catch up to her. “Buffy, wait!”

“Go. Away,” she ground out, her teeth clenched so tightly it was a wonder she hadn’t chipped any of them. She wasn't in the mood for any company.

“Buffy, just... Please talk to me. I need to tell you something.”

“No! Whatever it is that you have to tell me can wait until tomorrow. I'm going home to bed. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight!”

Angel stopped in his tracks, watching her as she walked the rest of the way to the Hyperion. He knew that when she wanted something, she would stop at nothing to get it. She really wanted to be alone. He needed to tell her what was going on, but it could wait for tomorrow.

He also feared that if he did anything to further piss her off, she might just stake him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Angel walked back to the demon bar, focused on one thing, and one thing only. He needed to find out what Lorne had seen. If Buffy's mood was anything to go by, it wasn't good. Maybe he could do something to help? He would try his damn hardest to make her feel batter. Unless it had something to do with Spike. That peroxided pest should stay dead. 'Useless piece of crap...'

“Lorne!” the vampire barked. “Get your green ass over here!”

Lorne followed his orders, begrudgingly. He didn't like to be ordered around, but he knew he couldn't avoid this conversation either way. “What do you want, Mr. Broody-Pants?”

“I don't bro... you know what? I don't care about that right now. What I want to know is what you saw--”

“I know, I know. But, really, Angelcakes, I can't tell you,” Lorne replied with a shrug of his well-dressed shoulders.

“Don't make me hit you...” the vampire said, his voice menacing.

“You wouldn't!” Lorne chuckled, unaffected by the threat. “I know you, Mr. Soulful. You wouldn't hurt a friendly demon, let alone your friend. Well, unless you're Merl...”

“You don't think I'll do it?” Angel asked, surprised that he wasn't as threatening as he used to be.

At Lorne's head shake, Angel growled and pulled the demon into a headlock, yanking him outside and into the alleyway. He released the demon and grabbed his vibrant green lapel with one hand, using his other to create a raised fist. “Still don't think I'll do it?”

“Come on, Angel,” Lorne said, his voice wavering. “Don't you think you're taking this a little too far?!”

Angel cocked back is fist again, this time more determined. He was about to let his fist fly, but growled instead, letting Lorne go. He couldn't hit Lorne, he was too good of a friend. "Fine, I don't think I could have hit you anyway," the vampire sighed.

Suddenly, a thought came to his mind and an evil smile spread across his face. "But, I can sing."

"What?" Lorne asked, his face getting greener, if possible.

"I swear, if you don't tell me what I want to know, I'll park my lily white ass on that stool and I'll sing every single song on that machine -twice- every day until you tell me."

Lorne’s eyes widened comically, making himself look like a cartoon character. If Angel got on that stage and sang that much, his patrons would clear out and stay away, possibly forever. Also, he'd have Angel's nail-on-chalkboard voice stuck in his head for God knows how long, and that was scarier than any fist near his precious nose. “Okay! Okay!” Lorne begged. “I'll tell you.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Buffy walked up to her hotel room, glad that Angel had enough room to house Dawn, the potentials and herself for a while until they figured things out. Giles was already in England with Willow and Xander, trying to put things back together to get something going for the other Slayers around the world. Andrew was still around, alive and annoying. He often cooked the big meals for everyone, loving the huge kitchen with industrial supplies in the basement. His room was down there now, and he hardly left the lower floor.

Faith and Robin had left the fold, wanting to live their life traveling the world, killing demons and taking whatever city they went to by storm. Buffy knew that the reformed Slayer was in good hands with Robin. No matter how much he had pissed her off back in Sunnydale, he was still a good guy, and he was the best guy for Faith. Buffy knew they were happy.

Besides, they sent postcards.

Dawn and some of the Slayers-in-Training went to school. Dawn had gone back as per Buffy's command, the others because they wanted some semblance of normalcy in their crazier-by-the-day lives. Buffy felt for them, knowing it would only get worse.

Angel and his gang, Wesley, Gunn, Fred, Connor and Cordy still lived in or around the Hyperion, running their business, as usual. Supposedly, they had been offered some deal with the big and evil law firm, Wolfram and Hart, but they had declined. They’d all thought that it was an amazing offer, but they also knew it was too risky. Too many things in the fine print that they might not notice until it was too late.

Buffy was glad they hadn't taken that offer, otherwise she wouldn't know where she would be now. She didn't talk with Angel as much as she used to, but she didn't want Angel to be swallowed up by an evil law firm either.

Buffy stripped off her clothing as she walked to the bed, thinking about everything that had just transpired. Lorne said to stay away from Spike, even though he was alive. Like hell she would! Now that she knew he was alive, she would stop at nothing to get him back. Buffy wished she hadn't gotten so emotional back at the bar, she could have asked more questions to find out if Lorne knew where Spike was before she ran off. But she could always talk to him again once she calmed down.

“I'll come for you, Spike. I swear.” She whimpered into the darkened room as the tears finally fell.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Lorne and Angel had migrated into the bar after Lorne closed for the night, getting all the demons to go home before he had the discussion with Angel.

“Okay,” Angel sighed, watching as the last demon filed out the door. He found it hard to abide the 'no violence' rule while he was this angry with the world. But he managed, barely. “Now tell me what you saw.”

“Fine. But you're not gonna like it,” Lorne said as he went behind the bar, preparing himself a stiff drink for the conversation he was about to have. “Spike's alive.”

“You're right,” Angel grumbled. “I don't like it already.”

“I saw everything, Angel! I saw what school she went to as a child. The day she was called. The day she met you and lost you. You're an ass, by the way. The way you left her was horribly cliché.”

“Get on with it,” the vampire growled.

“Well, let's just say that Buffy can't get back together with Spike.”

“Not that I’m opposed to that idea, buy why not?”

“Because,” the green demon continued, taking a deep breath. “If they get back together, it will bring forth the next and final apocalypse.”

TBC


Chapter End Notes:
Reviews? -- Ohhh, I almost forgot! The song I used in this chapter is I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat. Its a good tune, you should go listen to it!




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