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Authors Chapter Notes:
This story was written for Always_jbj. There's some angst, some smut, and some fluff for ya, sweetie! Happy Birthday! Also, thanks, Dev, for the title idea!


Chapter One: Breakdown


Spike couldn’t believe what was happening. It was like once he’d found out that he could hurt her, his demon had taken control, wanting revenge for the past two years of humility. So he’d sought her out, told her physically what he could do to her, and now she had him up against a wall, and she was kissing him as if her life depended on it.

She was kissing him…

He kissed her back eagerly, looking for the tenderness of a love that wasn’t there. Angered when he couldn’t find it, he picked her body up and slammed her body into the nearest wall, demanding emotional reciprocation. When she didn’t give it, instead pushing him away from her, his dazed mind admitted defeat, and he gave into her silent order that he let her use him to punish herself.

When she came running into his arms, he scooped her up, and she smashed her lips to his in a forceful kiss. He tried to hold back the pain. Tell it to leave him for the night. He owed her this. She needed release, and, though she couldn’t get the release she was looking for, he could help her for the night. Maybe she’d see that he could be decent. Maybe then she’d accept his love for her.

Maybe then she’d love him back.

But then he felt her hand against his belt. She was quickly, desperately trying to get to the one part of him that she could accept. Something snapped inside of him. If he let her use him, she would depend on him. If he gave in, she wouldn’t accept him as anything more than a fuck. If he let her have him, it would kill her. He could NOT let that happen.

A pain filled roar bit at her ear, and her lust clouded mind hardly acknowledged her body flying through the air and into a wall. When she crashed into the floor, the back of her head hit the ground, and she cried out from the shock. Her ears were ringing and her head was throbbing, but she couldn’t focus on anything other than the vampire standing on the other side of the room. Her anger at being rejected brought her to stand, a hard glare pinching her face.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing?" Buffy growled. She started slowly walking towards the thing in front of her.

"This isn’t gonna happen, Buffy. Not like this." Spike started walking toward her, but the floor in front of him cracked and sank, and he barely evaded a fall to the basement. He looked at the broken wood that he had jumped away from, momentarily distracted.

Buffy took the opportunity and leapt forward, wrapping her arms around Spike’s neck, and her legs around his waist. "Like hell it’s not."

Spike tried his best to push her off of him, but her grip was like a vice. "Buffy! No!" He was losing his balance from her wild movements and his frantic resistance. "We’re going to fall if you don’t let go of me right now!"

"I don’t care!" Buffy latched onto him even tighter and he fell forward, through the floor and into the basement. Thinking quickly, he spun them around so that he would take the brunt of the impact. When they landed, the Slayer began instantly to shred her jacket off, while she struggled to keep Spike between her legs.

But he was determined to keep her from getting any further. He pulled her forward, kissing her for all he was worth, waiting for her to drop her guard. The very moment she relaxed against him, he rolled them over, and pulled back from the kiss. He stood up and backed away from her, taking in her crouched form. Her head was down, her hair knotted and tangled. Her entire body was shaking for too many reasons to count. She was breathing heavily, looking like an animal from the way she was hunched. She was already too far-gone, and he couldn’t allow her to give in. A stern and resolute expression donned his face. "I’m not going to let you do this, Buffy. I won’t let you hurt yourself. I won’t be the reason for your pain."

Buffy’s head flew up at the sound of his voice. A dark, low chuckle resonated from her heaving chest.

"Why not? That’s all there is here, Spike. It’s hurting and pain. That’s what this world is. You think you can change that- a worthless creature of the night? You think you can change me?! Well, do it, Spike. Please! Change me. Make me feel!" Tears poured freely out of her eyes, and it seemed as though her eyes leaked her pain, covering her face in wet shimmering shadows.

Spike was at a loss of what to say. "Buffy…"

She sprang from her place on the floor. "Make… me… feel!"

Spike shook his head. He couldn’t give in, no matter how much she begged. "Not this way, Buffy."

Looking like a lost little girl, she stopped in her tracks. "Why won’t you hurt me?"

"Because I can’t, love."

"YOU CAN!" She screamed. She flew at him, punching him, kicking him, bruising and cutting his body, and he let her. She was crying and begging him to make her feel the pain that she deserved. But he refused to move. One blow after another, she seemed to sink into him more and more until finally, she fell to the floor, leaning on his legs.

"Please!" He could hear her whispering through the sobs. "Please… hurt me!"

She had broken. And it broke him to see her grieving so much. He dropped down to her level, and took her arms in his palms.

"I won’t hurt you, Buffy. I refuse to do that to you. You don’t deserve this pain."

He didn’t know what else to say so he repeated it to her, over and over, wrapping his arms around her securely. He hoped she would see it as comfort. He knew she had when she returned the hold, clinging to him tightly. He rocked back and forth, telling her he wouldn’t hurt her. Her sobs quieted, and her breathing slowed. When she was finally asleep, he spoke to her.

"Buffy, baby. You will feel again. But it won’t be pain. You will be happy again, because I won’t settle for anything less." He gently lifted her in his arms carrying her out of the demolished house and walking in the direction of Revello Drive. "I love you."

~*~*~*~*~

A/N: I'm posting this whole story today, and I'd appreciate reviews for all of the chapters very much! Even if it's just to say, "I'm a reader," I'd love to know if you guys are really reading. :)




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