Spike walked quietly towards Angel's office.
The last week had been hard on all of them. The loss of Fred was weighing heavily on everyone and the resulting actions of Gunn and Wesley had left them all shaken.
He had liked the quiet Texan as well. In a way she reminded him of a cross between Red and Dawn. But she was gone now. Instead they had the Blue wonder stalking through the halls.
At least this gave him something to think about besides their fiasco of a trip to Rome.
It had hurt so much.
The thought that Buffy had been able to move on so quickly after thinking he was dead had proven his worst fears.
She hadn't really loved him. Sure he had said as much in the Hellmouth but to have the last of his hopes dashed away by the boy was too painful for words. He knew that Angel was dealing with it better. Perhaps with time he could deal too.
He somehow didn't think so.
Sighing he walked past Harmony's desk trying to pull himself out of his melancholy.
"OH Spike." Harmony's excited squeak made him wince. Her voice was torture to vamp hearing.
"What is it Harm?"
He tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice but from her flinch he could see he didn't do a very good job of it.
"This came for you today."
Spike eyed the small manilla envelope with suspicion. He really didn't trust anything that came in the mail anymore.
"Whose it from?"
"What do I look like the post office?"
Impatiently Spike took the envelope out of her hands.
"Geez grabby much?" Harmony huffed and turned away from him.
Shrugging to himself he tore the top of the envelope open. Peering inside he didn't see anything so he upended it. The only thing that came out was a blank cd.
He turned the item over in his hands a few times before walking to the conference room. Once inside he closed the door quietly behind him.
Naturally he was a little leary of anything he recieved in the mail anymore. Things like that could either be good like his flash back to the land of touching or very very bad. And since he'd already done the good well he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
That was true of all the time he'd been in LA. Everything that had even been halfway decent that happened to them was soon followed by something really really bad. And God was he sick of it.
He'd heard people say they were weary right down to their souls before and had thought they were speaking metaphorically. Not so much anymore. With each loss they suffered with every bit of pain that found it's way into his unbeating heart he could feel the hopelessness settle into his soul. Every day was a new fight to find a reason why he was still around why he was still fighting.
The false hope that he had carried when he had been at Lindsey's beck and call had left him cold and empty. Cold hard reality forced him to see that maybe things weren't happening to him for a higher purpose.
And the purpose that he had given himself was gone now.
Ever since they had returned from Rome he had given up and the stupid ideals he had clung to for so long.
She would never love him.
Of this he was certain and he couldn't help but feel that all the pain and suffering he'd experienced ever since he'd met her was for nothing.
He shook his head as he flopped into one of the executive chairs rimming the large conference table. He was brooding. A fact that pissed him off to no end. Brooding was the poof's thing not his.
Slipping the disk in the player he turned up the volume a bit.
As the strains of an acoustic guitar filled the air he settled deeper in his seat. He was taken back by the strong clear voice of the singer entranced at the gentleness of his voice as he strained with the emotion of his words.
In fact Spike was so taken aback that he realized he'd actually missed the lyrics as they were sung.
Stopping the CD he pushed the back button and then started it again this time paying careful attention to the words.
//This time this place
misused mistakes
Too long too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
Cause you know you know you know
I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathin' if I don't see you anymore
On my knees I'll ask
last chance for one last dance
Cause with you I'd withstand
all of hell to hold you're hand
I'd give it all give for us give anything
But I won't give up
Cause you know you know you know
I love you I've loved you all along
and I miss you
been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
So far away
so far away
been far away for far too long
So far away
So far away
been far away for far too long
But you know you know you know
I wanted I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed I need to hear you say
That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I forgive you
for being away for too long
So keep breathing
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it hold on to me and never let me go
keep breathing cause I'm not leaving you anymore
believe it hold onto me and never let me go.//
As the last strains of the song came from the speakers Spike's hand hovered over the stop button. He found that he was breathing heavy trying to figure out who would send him a song so laced with meanings he wasn't willing yet to analyze. As his hands came drifting down to push it to a stop the sound of a throat clearing stopped him.
/Um I hope this is working./
Spike's breathing stopped. The sound of that particular voice reached into him and squeezed his heart with all the heart break and pain and hope that one man could stand. Buffy.
/I've been listening to this song for awhile now. I caught it on the radio one day and all I could think about was you. This is hard you know. For me that is. I don't really like to talk about what I'm feeling. Like I have to tell you that.
Spike I'm sending you this because I can't not try to reach you in some way. And I'm afraid that if I try to do this with you in the room that I won't get it out or I'll say it wrong or I'll do something stupid.
But I want you to understand. No I want you to know.
I know that you and Angel were in Rome and while I should be pissed off at you for not telling me you were there or even telling me you were alive the only thing I can feel is how much I love you./
Spike if he'd had a heart knew that he would have died of a heart attack right then. Words that he had once only heard before he died a fiery pheonix like death echoed through the surround sound system. Words he didn't think she could ever mean.
/I know you didn't believe me in the hellmouth. And I admit my timing was of the way bad. But I do. Love you that is. I think I have for longer then I would like to think. You've always been there Spike. For almost as long as I've been the Slayer you've been there. And I never realized how much I needed you in my life until you were gone.
I'm not talking about your death. I'm talking about the summer before when you left to get your soul. I know that there was a lot of bad that happened that year. Well I guess that would be an understatement huh. But during that summer with everyone gone and Dawn and I well it gave me a lot of time to think.
I know we never talked about this. I wish in some ways that I had been able to tell you everything that had been going through my head when you came back. There was just so much crap going on and there was never time.
You were so hurt and so confused and the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you again.
I always thought there would be more time. For you for me for us. I mean come on how many appocalypses have we stopped and walked away from. So I thought no big stop the evil and bam at least a break during the summer where we could sort through everything.
If you had asked me the night before the fight what I was thinking I would have told you that you were the only thing on my mind./
Spike swallowed hard. He wanted to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming any ot this. For so long he had waited just for her to be able to talk to him about how she felt. And although he couldn't see her face he could hear the sincerity in her voice. It rang clear and true and struck him straight to his core.
/I thought about how much you meant to me. How much you'd changed to become the man that was just below the surface. The one that we all should have seen.
I can't tell you how many nights I berated myself for that. For not believing in you when you needed it. I know that I told you that I did in the basement before the First took you but I mean before then. Hell you should have gotten the benefit of the doubt before Riley left. You'd done so much to change even by then but we were all to stuck in our blind prejudices to let ourselves see it.
I thought about how much I'd come to love you. Not just the you I'd gotten to know all over again that last year but the Spike that I met all those years ago in that alley behind the Bronze. The cocky vampire and the gentle poet. You are all of them Spike and I love you. All of you. So many years I tried to tell myself what I felt wasn't real or wasn't right. But I was wrong. I want you to know that. I was wrong. All the things I said to you all the things I did. None of that was what you deserved./
Spike could feel the slight trembling in his body. He was having a hard time trying to process her words now. The emotions swirling inside him were making it too difficult.
/And yes now, now I love you. Something I can say and feel without shame and without fear. I love you.
I can't tell you how much I've grieved for you. I can only tell you that your death was just as deveastating to me as my death was to you.
And while I'm hurt that you didn't tell me you were alive again the time and seperation has given me the time to realize that maybe just maybe you needed to do that.
I know that you didn't believe me in the hellmouth. I know that even now you might not believe what I feel is real. I can understand that. I've never given you a reason to think otherwise. I'm ashamed to admit it but when it comes to you I haven't been a great person. Not even a decent human being./
He opened his mouth to protest but quickly closed it again knowing that responding to a CD wasn't really going to do anything.
/I know you're thinking that I'm talking out of my ass. But I'm serious. Spike I've done things to you that shouldn't be done to any sentient creature. I remember how upset I was about what the Initiative was doing and how I thought they were the monsters for treating other creatures the way they did. None of that compares with what I've done to you.
I can't express my sadness and guilt there aren't words.
But if becuase of all this our entire history together because of that if you didn't want anything to do with me anymore I would understand.
Yes it would hurt but God I've given you so many reasons to leave I can't see how you would want to come back.
And the fact that I only found out you were alive was because I sensed you in a crowded night club tells me that maybe I'm right./
The lump in his throat was tearing at him. He tried swallowing around it but felt it grow larger felt his throat tighten up with the emotion he was holding back.
/But I had to tell you. I had to let you know how much you mean to me. And even if.../
Her voice seemed to crack and falter and Spike could feel his tears pricking the back of his eyes.
/even if you never want me to be apart of the life you have now know that you will always be welcome in mine. If you ever need me for any reason for anything at all I'm here.
I guess that's it. You should be tired of my rambling by now./
There was a suspicious sounding sniffle in the background.
/I love you Spike./
The recording seemed to suddenly cut off and he closed his eyes at the silence that followed.
How could she not know that she was still the center of his universe? That she was his sun. The heavenly body that everything that made him revolved around.
He wanted desperately to be able to tell her that.
The only thing stopping him were the words Andrew had spoken to him.
She was happy and she'd moved on.
Instead he stayed in his seat willing the intense emotions to settle inside of him.
He only opened his eyes when he heard the door behind him softly click shut.
Since his back was to the door the only way he knew who it was was by scent.
He couldn't forget this scent if he tried.
"I uh I had to come and see you with my own eyes just once. Just to let myself believe that you were really real." The words were almost a whisper they were so quiet.
This time he did turn in the chair slowly and let his gaze fall on the woman he loved.
She was there as beautiful as she always was hair pulled back in a pony tail arms bare in her tank and jeans. There was a small smile playing on her lips that didn't quite make her eyes where he could see a tumult of emotions. The worry and love battling there in her green eyes.
He swallowed hard. Every thought seemed to go out the window as he took her in and all he could do was stare.
They stood silent for a good minute and he wondered what she was thinking.
"Um Spike are you going to say anything?" Her eyes darted nervously around the room.
All he could do was watch her in silence his mind a little to overwhelmed with her message and her sudden presence in the room. Everything felt surreal and he couldn't focus.
He didn't know how long they stared at each other but he watched as her demeanor changed. Instead of the hesitant happiness he saw in her face as she spoke it turned to doubt and then fear.
She let out a soft but long mournful sigh.
"Right. I came I saw and now I guess I'll leave." The tremors from the tears gathering in her voice echoed around him.
She turned quickly her hand already reaching for the door knob.
The action moved him out of the stunned state of paralysis he had been in and he jumped from his seat in the chair only reaching her in time to slam the door in front of her closed again.
He looked into her tear filled eyes and repressed the urge to just take her in his arms.
"Did you mean it?"
The tears started to spill over to run down her cheeks.
"Every word."
The words were whispered and he felt them sink into his soul. But he wouldn't let himself be swept away by his own sentimentality. He'd done it far too often in the past only to be rewarded with his own heartache.
"You sure about that pet? Don't you have someone back home waitin' on you?"
He watched a flicker of some emotion flash behind her eyes.
"I'm positive." She took a step back away from his close proximity. "And there isn't anyone waiting for me except for Dawnie."
"Not what I heard." He stepped closer to her again. "Or saw."
This time he could see the anger start to burn in her eyes.
"And just what did you see Spike?" Her arms then folded over her chest. The tears were still falling from her eyes but she made no move to wipe them from her face.
That stumped him for a second. Just what did he see? Not really much of anything if he was being honest with himself but there was a time and a place for honesty and this wasn't it.
"Looked right cozy with that Immortal git."
She gave him a disbelieving glare. "I looked cozy? And when was this exactly?"
He didn't answer her just kept giving her that look the one she always caved to when he wanted answers.
"Don't look at me like that." She said it with a bit of heat to her tone and he knew it had an effect on her. "You think just because you give me that look that I'm going to tell you something that isn't true?"
He didn't even blink.
She released a deep sigh.
"He took me to a night club and I danced end of story. Which by the way I know you know." This time she did wipe the tears from her eyes. "So no there isn't anyone waiting for me in Rome."
His eyes had never left her face. He was staring at her deeply, concentrating on what he saw in her deep green eyes. And what he saw practically made his heart begin to beat after being silent for a hundred and twenty years.
"No?" He whispered as he took another step forward, this time there was hardly a sliver of air between them.
He could hear the accelaration of her heart with his nearness and couldn't help but notice the fresh sheen of tears in her eyes.
"No."
It was so simple a word but for him it held so much meaning that he wasn't sure he could comprehend it all. Instead he did the only thing he really wanted to do.
Reaching out he wrapped his arms around her and took her lips with his in the most passionate kiss of his life.
The feel of her soft warm lips sliding along his only made him feel every month of their seperation more intensly. So he gathered her to him tighter as if he could mold her into his own form.
He didn't know how long they continued to kiss each other. It was if everything around them dropped away and all the problems and fears that the last few months had brought disappeared.
Until it was only the two of them connected by the love they shared. A love he dared not believe she had for him.
A love even being far away from each other couldn't diminish.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!