“Spike!” Buffy ignored Spike telling her to go. Ignored how all around them the cave walls crumbled and shook. Ignored how the Hellmouth threatened to swallow them whole.
“I mean it! I gotta do this.” Spike held up his hands, stopping her from coming any closer. This was the first and only time he’d ever pushed her away. And with one look in his eyes, she knew why. This must’ve been the same expression Dawn saw before she dived off Glory’s tower. Spike was going to sacrifice himself to save the world.
The thought of him being gone, truly gone, settled lead-heavy in her gut. But no matter how much his decision pained her, she would never take away or cheapen his sacrifice. Tears and regrets would come later. When the world was quiet and she was alone. Now she had to be strong. For him.
Buffy reached up and grasped his hand. Instinctively, his hand clasped hers and their eyes met. As the flames sealed their connection, his memories rushed in.
A pair of child’s hands, his hands, outstretched and palms up. Classmates somberly looked on as the Headmaster used a cane to merit out punishment for him dropping his writing board in the water, washing away the day’s lesson.
Now adult-sized, the same hands ink-stained and shaky, penned words of love and admiration for a woman who’d never spared him a second glance. Among other’s ridicules and scathing remarks; he gathered enough courage and pledged his affections for her. Only to be spurned. With three words she tore him to shreds, sending him into the night teary eyed and devastated. It was there in the dark, a stranger gave him a fleeting moment of hope and understanding before her razor sharp fangs sank in his throat, stealing his blood and his life.
Waking to a whole new world trapped six-feet under; he clawed and fought his way out of the grave. For the first time he felt a strength he’d never possessed as a human. For the first time he felt ever powerful. Invincible.
Before giving himself over fully to his new life, he returned home. Torn between two women, both who had given him life, he didn’t want to lose either. He made the choice to take his first love with him. This had dire consequences, contorting and twisting the only true love he’d ever known. For over a century this haunted him.
For almost two decades he spent under the tutelage of a sadist. Throwing himself into the fray, the melding pain and pleasure molded him into a monster. Yet he still had to prove his worth. To his sire. To his family. He sought out the ultimate glory, taking a Slayer’s life. It was never enough. He was never enough.
Year by year, decade by decade, he fought for Drusilla’s love. No amount of pretty dresses with pretty girls in them, dollies, or taking another Slayer’s life swayed her affections. He competed against a shadow, a memory. Time and time again, he’d fell short, forever the pale substitute for her “daddy”. Yet in all that time he never stopped caring for her—even when she was broken and weak. Even when she regained her former glory and left him alone bound to a wheelchair. Even when she had her “daddy” back. She was his world, but he was never hers.
Now alone, he fought to get back what he lost—his century old love, his power. Only in turn to lose the last thing that defined him, his demon. No longer able to feed or for a time fight, he was trapped between two worlds—demon and man. On the outside looking in, he belonged to neither. He tried to find his place and prove his worth. None of what he did mattered. He didn’t matter. Not a demon. Never a man.
Then he found love. With a Slayer no less. He fought harder against his nature to be someone she could love in return. Even going as far as suffering at the hands of a Hellgod. In the end, on the tower, he fought and almost paid with his life. But it was her life that was lost. Deep in mourning, he never forgave himself for her sacrifice. Always questioning if he was quicker, smarter, he could’ve saved her. Always wishing it was him instead of her.
The endless summer while she was gone, he honored his promise. Cared and protected her sister and fought by the Scooby’s side. Yet when they decided to bring her back he was disregarded. Again. Casting their betrayal aside, he focused on her and the chance to finally right the wrong of her death.
Then the most painful memory came…their time together.
Through his eyes she saw how hard he tried. Over and over, he tried to make her feel alive, make her feel wanted. Make her just feel something, anything besides the cold. He gave himself over to her completely. Ever love’s bitch. While she drowned in self-loathing and hatred, he tried to save her the only way he knew how, his own warped sense of love. Two damaged people bringing out the worse in one another.
Then he left, went to find the piece of him that was missing. For her. Trial after trial, he fought against his most formidable opponent. Himself. In the end, he was granted his prize. With the return of his long-lost soul, came a century’s worth of guilt and remorse. The whispers of the dead and his past misdeeds for a time claimed his sanity.
But it was back in Sunnydale when his real battle began. The ultimate evil made him a pawn, using his new soul and the guilt of the death of his first love by his hands against him. For a time he lost himself completely. Only to be brought back by an inner strength and the need to be worthy of redemption.
Memory after memory, she watched how against all odds he fought with his whole being. She felt all his fear, rage, pain, and most of all, his love. With or without a soul, he loved wholly. Deeply.
For so long, she thought she knew Spike. She was wrong. She never really knew him. Not really. Not until now. His memories, these small snippets of time made her see, made her understand who he really was. No longer could she deny what she had felt for some time.
“I love you.” She poured every ounce of emotion in these three words. He had her heart and for the first time she wasn’t terrified of letting it go. Freely. Completely.
“No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it.”
His words should’ve infuriated her. Here was another man, another vampire telling her how she felt. Strangely, they didn’t. They were almost… comforting. It wouldn’t be Spike, her Spike, if he agreed with her so willingly. But before she could argue, another quake broke them apart. He ordered her to go, and without another thought she took off running. Through the corridors, out onto to the school and then the bus’ roof, she just kept going. Knowing if she stopped and didn’t make it his death would all be for nothing.
Now standing at the edge of the crater that was once Sunnydale, she couldn’t take her eyes off of where she last saw him alive. She heard those around her talking but only spoke when Giles asked who had done this.
“Spike.” She didn’t simply say his name, she honored it. Honored him.
Spike had saved the world. Not for love. Not to prove himself to anyone. On his own terms with this ultimate selfless act, he became the man he was truly meant to be. One who made the world a better place because he was a part of it. And this thought made her smile.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!