When Sunnydale collapsed, the relief was nearly breathtaking. I was so happy I almost couldn’t keep from screaming and jumping up and down. Suddenly, I lived in a world where escaping my destiny without dying was something I had a shot at for the first time since I was called. I felt the sweet rush of freedom and success from my head to my toesies. First Evil; not in residence anymore. Okay, nothing was in residence anymore, but, you know, same dif.
More than half of us made it out of Sunnydale; sure, we all needed a nice long rest, some of us in intensive care; but we made it out. Alive, without a bringer or an ubervamp on the radar. We sent the First back to hell. Go team!
I didn’t really feel the loss of Spike and Anya, and all those brand new Slayers. Well, not much, anyway. I remembered their noble deaths in battle, and pushed away the thought that they were gone for good. I was so relieved that we’d won, so excited about my new mission, hopefully now with an improved, lesser amount of killing. And I was so proud of Spike…
It wasn’t until a few weeks later, safe in England with Giles, that the loss hit me. I found myself looking for Spike to tell him about an exciting new development in Slayer training, or to confide in him and ask his advice like I did before he died, without realizing how important it was to me. I missed him like I’d never missed anything, not even Mom. Sometimes, I wondered why it had taken me so long to figure out that I could trust him, that it was okay to care about him. Sometimes, I just lay in bed and felt the empty space where he should be.
When we sat around a meeting table planning to spread out in the search for more slayers and to set up training facilities, an Anya-sounding voice in my head hurled dirty jokes and bluntness without pity or hesitation. I saw the look in Xander’s eyes; well, eye; when he would fade off into his memories. I knew he was thinking about her, because I saw the same look in the mirror when I woke up after dreaming of Spike.
I missed them. I couldn’t crowd out the loneliness, the missing, the great big ache, during those hours we had spent together for so long, almost five years of Spike in my life. Alone in bed at night was the only time I allowed myself to cry, not only for Spike, but for Anya and all the friends I’d lost over the years, and for all the potentials who died before I could save them. It got better after a while, but every night I thought of them.
No one mentioned Spike for several months, not even Dawn. We worked hard, and we put the Hellmouth behind us, spreading out around the world to guard Hellmouths, recruit Slayers and train them. I caught Willow and Giles looking at me a few times at first; Giles even managed to say he was sorry for my loss at one point, but I think that was just because he caught me crying. Other than a few cryptic references, no one we lost was ever mentioned by name.
It wasn’t until I was all set up in Rome that Giles showed up on my doorstep with a story I’d never have believed unless I’d spent seven years on a Hellmouth. Spike was back from the dead, re-formed from the amulet at the LA offices of Wolfram & Hart, evil’s own favorite law firm. He was a ghost, non-corporeal like the First, and there was nothing we could do; not without facing Angel and the deal he’d made with the devil.
After a year spent fighting the First Evil, losing so much even as we won, there was no way I was prepared to chance going up against Angelus. Plus, too much work with the girls, and what the hell would I say to Angel if he weren’t evil, especially after that stupid cookie speech? Giles and I agreed that I should stay out of whatever was going on in LA, but he would keep track of the situation as best he could.
Not long after that, I met a guy. Marco was sweet, smart, caring, and a ton of fun to be around. We dated for a while, and it was…Nice. The first time he kissed me I ended up sobbing in his arms, telling him the story of my love affair with Spike over three majorly sucky, weepy hours and two bottles of expensive red wine.
It makes it easier, I guess, that he’s also a type of demon. Well, not actually a demon; I’ve never gotten the whole story out of him, but he used to be a vampire; now he just has the eternal youth, without the blood drinking soullessness. Surprisingly, he's a good listener. We ended the evening by agreeing to hang as friends, and keep our lips (and other parts) to ourselves in the future. I’ll admit, I expected he would either try to change my mind or disappear; he did neither. Marco has been a good friend, and he now knows things about my relationship with Spike I’ve never told another soul. Things I didn’t admit to myself, or to Spike, until it was too late.
It was Giles, again, who called with the second Spike-related bombshell since our Hellmouth days. Spike was undead again, and staying in LA. Giles ended the call with a reminder that we had no idea if they were souled anymore, and I was better off out of it. We were going to wait until they requested our help, or until they screwed things up so badly there was no way we could avoid butting in. I made polite noises about staying away from LA, and I didn’t bother to get back into our debate about my tendency towards dating demons, he was never going to get it. And really, I wanted Spike to come to me, to want me again, to prove that he’d forgiven me for how badly I treated him.
He never came. I was hurt, and angry, and buried myself in working with the Slayers all day and partying all night. The more I thought about it, the more pissed I got. I’d spent months missing him and he couldn’t spare me a phone call? What the fuck! I think if he’d appeared in front of me at some moments I would have staked him out of spite. Damnit, did he think I’d just forgotten about him when he’d died? Stupid vampire. So I spent even more time in the training room, and patrolling, and then some more out on the town.
When Angel and Spike showed up in Rome four months later, I panicked. I’d been hoping he would be the first to get in touch, but I’d never in a million years have believed until I saw it that they’d come for me together. I begged and pleaded, and eventually Marco agreed to run interference. I was angry and hurt; there was no way I could see the two of them without badness happening. So Marco made them go; I never asked how, and went about trying to forget them with a helluva lot of alcohol.
When I arrived home that night still angry and a bit drunk I found Dawn curled up on the couch crying over some papers. On the coffee table in front of her sat two-dozen red roses in a crystal vase and a large envelope with my name on it. I recognized the handwriting immediately.
“I didn’t get to see him.” Dawn whispered, looking up to meet my eyes. “The flowers and the letters were here when I got back from my date. He was here, in Rome, and I missed him. And now I might not get another chance.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “I ‘ll never get the chance to tell him that I missed him, or that I forgave him for everything that happened. Or that he was still my friend.” A dry sob shook my little sister’s chest, and I couldn’t stop myself from rushing over to the couch and hugging her with as much strength as I dared.
“He knew, Dawnie. He must have, or he wouldn’t have come.” I pressed a kiss to her cheek and held her as she cried. Since we escaped the Hellmouth, she’d never mentioned Spike. I think she was trying to push the pain away just as hard as I was. After all, she’d realized the worth of the man within the vampire long before I did. “I’ve missed him, too, Dawn. There was so much we left unsaid, we never had enough time…”
Suddenly there were tears on my cheeks, and Dawn and I cried together, whispering all the things we’d never shared before about our mutual love for an undead man who we’d thought lost to us nearly a year ago.
After a while Dawn went to bed with her letter, leaving me alone with an envelope from Spike. My fingers shook as I opened the envelope and began to read what Dawn believed were the last words my love (I can admit that now) would ever say to me.
********
Buffy,
I promised myself when I came back after Sunnydale that I wouldn’t interfere with your life anymore, that I would love you enough to let you go. Turns out, I’m more selfish than even I knew.
I couldn’t leave things between us this way. I still love you. Some days, it feels like the only reason I wake up is so that my love for you will have a vessel.
I sound like a poof, don’t I? Can’t help it, I haven’t had anyone to talk to in near a year, and for an old demon who likes to talk as much as I do, that’s something. I’ve missed having your ear around to gripe into, to hurl insults at, and to whisper my love into. Of course, I’ve missed all of your other tasty parts as well. I remember what you said before you left the Hellmouth, and I’m sorry I let you walk away thinking I didn’t believe you. I did.
If no one told you that I’ve been back from the dead until tonight, I apologize for the nasty shock. Just, don’t come after me. Angel is leading his team straight into another apocalypse, and damn me if I’m not going to be right there at the front of the fight. I can’t do this any other way than to go down swinging. Besides which, I don’t rightly trust Peaches not to muck it up without me.
If I make it out, I’ll come back to you as soon as I can. If I don’t make it this time, know that I love you, and I know that you loved me.
I am enclosing my journal; you remember, the one I used to keep in my breast pocket that I never let you read. Well, read away. Most of it’s about you, anyway.
Keep up the good work with the Slayers; they need you. Take care of my nibblet. And be happy.
All my love,
William E. D. Spenser IV
********
Buffy waited for the call to connect with a white knuckled grip on the phone. She was alternately sweating and shivering, and didn’t know if she was about to burst into tears again or start throwing things. The stress of last night had led her to sleep badly, and this morning she was raw and angry, not to mention madly hung-over. “H’lo”
Buffy gasped as a sleepy voice answered the phone. “Angel.”
“Buffy!” Well, he was awake now. “What’s wrong? Why are you calling? Are you okay?”
Buffy took a deep breath. “I’m fine. Listen, I’m sorry to wake you, it must be early there, and you must have been up late…”
“Actually I was just turning in. By the time we got back I had to stay up for an Employee Resources meeting. I’m really tired though, so if I could call you back...”
“No! Listen, I just need Spike’s number and I’ll let you go.” Silence. Not like Buffy expected it to be easy, but she’d hoped Angel wouldn’t need an explanation. Or that he’d be half asleep and just do what she told him.
“Did you see him in Rome?” The venom behind Angel’s question took her off guard.
Okay, color Buffy confused. If Angel were going to be mad over nothing, he’d flip about the letter; avoidance was probably the best tactic. “Um, I saw both of you, right before I sent Marco over to get rid of you. I couldn’t deal with you guys and your issues last night. Listen, I need to find him, please. Dawn is really upset that she didn’t get to see him while he was here.” When in doubt, play the Dawn card.
Angel sighed. Dawn. Figures. “Alright.” Once Angel had given her numbers for Spike’s cell phone and apartment, there was an awkward silence. “Buffy, why didn’t you want to see us? We came to see you, you know that, right?”
Buffy snorted. “No, you didn’t come to see me, you came to intrude into my life and tell me what to do, like you always do. Just like when you showed up with the amulet. I…Damnit, I’m still 16 to you, aren’t I? You know what, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this now. Good luck, and goodbye.”
Buffy slammed the phone down, shaking with anger she’d had no idea she felt until it fell out of her. She sank to the couch, covering her face with trembling hands. She was furious; at Angel, at Spike, at all of the secrets and lies, and the miles between Rome and Los Angeles.
Angel looked at the beeping phone in his hand as if it had spit at him. He hadn’t slept for two days, there was an apocalypse looming, and now Buffy was screaming at him for no apparent reason. He flung the phone away with a growl. “I’m too tired for this.” The vampire fell back onto his bed and was asleep in seconds.
********
Once I calmed down after I wigged out on Angel, I thought about what I’d said. It was true that I resented his actions in a major way, but that wasn’t what I was angry about. Angel’s treatment of me had always been overbearing; and overprotective much; boy was he ever.
More than anything else, I was angry at myself for not letting it go sooner, for taunting Spike with my supposed grand romance with Angel. Shit, I’d even kissed Angel, and unfortunately in front of Spike, after I spent the night in his arms, feeling safer than I had since I’d become the Slayer. I was angry with myself for being a bitch, for hurting Spike, for being immature enough to confuse what I’d had with Angel with love-other-than-puppy. No wonder I’m so bad at relationships; I didn’t know what love was until it was sucked into an evil enchanted amulet, buried under the remains of Sunnyhell.
Feeling calmer, I reached for the phone once more. God, my long distance bill from just this morning was going to be murder on my budget. Hopefully, I’d be able to keep from screaming at Spike the second he picked up the phone. I dialed the cell phone number first, taking deep gulps of air trying to calm my wrecked nerves.
I still jumped when Spike answered the call.
“’Lo?”
I took a deep breath. “Spike. I got your letter.”
He sighed, and I started shaking all over again when my name came over the line. “Buffy.”
Just like that, and I got all tingly remembering the way he used to whisper my name when he came, the way he said my name a certain way when he tried to calm me down. I was furious all over again. “What the HELL is your PROBLEM? Why didn’t you call me? You’re a big fucking dope, you know that, Spike? And what’s the big idea letting Dawn come home to a letter from a supposedly dead vampire who didn’t bother to wait around to see her? Do you have any idea how upset she was? And why didn’t you call me the second you could? And…And you’re shirty…And…” Well, so much for the not screaming thing.
“Can I get a word in, Goldilocks?” His voice was all growly, and I knew that meant he was trying not to cry so I let him talk. I felt guilty and stupid, afraid that I’d hurt him again right away, but I was still angry, so I just kept my mouth shut instead of apologizing or screaming again. Part of me wanted to stake him, while another part was trying not to whisper ‘baby, I missed you’.
“Go ahead.” I barely kept the venom out of my voice, trying to sound like I didn’t care what he said.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you or the nibblet. Didn’t mean to. Would’ve stayed to see my girls if I could’ve; Angel wanted to get back as soon as we could after you refused to see us. Plus, there was this other thing...” He took a deep shaky breath, and that little guilty part of me got a little bigger. “I missed both of you like bloody hell. Thought about you a lot, was going to run right out of here as soon as I had my body back, but then I kinda figured that I’d ended up where I was supposed to, ya know?”
I choked. Over the roughly five years I’d known him, Spike had never sounded so… Well, I had no idea how to describe it, really. I’d heard him regretful, sad, crazy, and in pain. This was like none of those and all of them together. I didn’t even realize I was crying until the tears were rolling down my face. And I responded the only way I could.
“William…I’ve missed you.”
He sighed again, and this time I could hear the tears in it, as clearly as if he was in front of me. “Buffy, luv…I missed you, too…I love you.”
I took a deep breath, wiping at my eyes as a smile practically split my face. “I love you, too.” Confession time. “I’m sorry it took me so long to say it. Last year, I mean. God, I wish I could see you right now, when I tell you…I knew before, but I was so scared…” And there goes the voice. God, I hate crying.
“S’alright, luv. All in the past, now.” He chuckled, kinda watery, but it sounded happy. “’S nice to hear when my life isn’t in immediate danger, though.”
Then I was laughing right along with him. “We’re a pair, aren’t we?” I sighed when the laughter died down. “Laughing in the face of evil, defending humanity with our lives, and super lousy with the timing.”
“Too right.” I could hear his crooked little smile in his words, and I was feeling better than I had in ages.
“You’re still a dope, though.”
“Yeah; well, you still have stupid hair.” We both laughed at that; and it felt good to laugh, better than it had in a long time. I wanted to see him so badly it hurt.
I got what he was saying, though, about ending up where he was. We’d had this conversation before. Spike believed in fate more than anyone else I’d ever met, so I knew there was no point in trying to talk him out of staying in LA. Well, maybe I’d try later…
“So, you mentioned something going on in LA, in your letter I mean. Wanna talk about it?”
Yeah, so I’m nosy. And besides, I really just wanted to curl up on my couch and waste the two hours until I had until I needed to be at work at the Slayer Center listening to him talk. He could have been reading a shopping list for all I cared, as long as it was his voice in my ear, letting me know he was okay.
“If you don’t mind me ranting.” He sounded shy, a voice I’d heard more often since he got his soul. Honestly, it was sexy as hell. Although bad boy, demon fighting Spike was pretty sexy, too.
“Rant away. I know how much you like the sound of your own voice.” I tried to sound snarky, for old time’s sake, but I think I was just too happy to pull it off properly.
“Well, I guess the first thing you’ll want to know is that Angelus is nowhere in sight. Angel’s got quite the setup here; tests the vamps for human blood, polygraphs for the demons, helping out the weak, all that rot. Oh, guess who his secretary is…”
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!