“ You’re beneath me.”
Buffy jolted up from the nightmare she had come to expect since her last glance at the crater that once was Sunnydale. She grabbed a fistful of Kleenex from the nightstand next to her and wiped her tear-stained face.
He cried when you told him that you heartless bitch. You could hear him.
Dropping her head into her hands, Buffy resisted the urge to fight back all of her painful memories. As she relented, they washed over her like the demon horde had done at the Hellmouth…only now, she had no will to stop them.
He loved you…with all of his undead heart, you know. Gave up his life for yours. And you couldn’t even tell him what you felt…what he knew you felt! He didn’t believe you even when you finally told him because you had already broken him! You cold, heartless bitch!
“I love you!” “No you don’t, pet, but thanks for saying it.”
“You’re beneath me.”
“Oh God,” she choked, “I’m horrible…I can’t…uh!”
Flushed and strained, Buffy curled up on her side in the fetal position. Drawing her knees closer to her, she lost herself in the pattern of the hotel’s chincy wallpaper.
“I have to get him back,” she whispered, before drifting off into another nightmare. At least in her nightmares, she could see him.
--
He could see what she had meant about this place…bloke could get used to this. Spike gazed around, trying to focus on something other than the bluish-white haze.
“Bugger, it’s no use,” he sighed to himself, “Guess I’m just gonna float forever.”
His chest suddenly felt heavy. He looked down, half expecting a stake to be lodged in him, but was surprised when he saw the “Liz Taylor” amulet draped around his neck. Realizing that he was totally nude aside from said amulet, Spike attempted to cover his manhood, and then chuckled.
"Who am I hiding from anyway? Oooh bloody white light? Big bad nothing.”
A familiarly shrill voice cut through him from behind.
“Well, you don’t have to hide from me, but not everyone here has had the pleasure.”
Spike turned around and found himself standing, in all his glory, in front of a long white table. Seated behind it were six creatures ranging in size and color. Spike’s eyes hung on an eight-horned snouty demon that he had never could have begun to imagine existed, before a small white hand waved frantically.
“Hellooo?? Spikey?”
He smiled.
"Hello Anya.”
--
The search for Buffy was still raging, though there were fewer search parties venturing out into the night hoping to find her. Giles had left almost immediately after Buffy disappeared, taking Dawn with him to England, hoping to give her a more “normal” life. Dawn had been so distraught and angered at her sister’s abandonment she went more than willingly. Faith and the remaining Potentials also gave up their search quickly, opting instead, for a life in Chicago, where another Hellmouth was rumored to be. Only Xander, Willow and Angel remained steadfast in their attempts to find the Slayer. Willow had searched as far as Buffalo, but turned up empty-handed. Buffy never liked the cold or hockey anyways, but Willow had hoped the lure of one of Spike’s favorite high-fat chickeny treats would have lead her there. The witch sighed as she plopped down on a soft leather couch in the large office, and shook her head.
“Where are you Buffy? And why can’t we find you?”
The large oak door opened behind her and two men trudged through. One wore an eye patch, the other, a well-practiced frown.
“Whaddya mean you’re giving up? You can’t—you’re like, her guy right? Help me out here, Will.”
Willow turned around and rolled her eyes.
“Not now Xander…major headache here! Too many tracking spells…none of them worked. It’s so frustrating!”
"Oh come on,” he continued, “You can’t just call it all off Angel! You have to help us find her! It’s Buffy…you know Buffy??? Saved the world a bunch?”
The ever-brooding Angel sighed.
“I can’t do it anymore. I’m not…I’m not permitted to.”
“ ‘Not permitted to?’ What does that mean?”
“I…well, the Powers That Be sent me a nice little message.”
“Which was…?”
“Which was call off the search or you’ll never get her back.”
“That’s it?”
“No.”
“Okay then…come on…out with it Captain Forehead!”
Angel sighed and waltzed over to the large tinted window in his office. Xander frowned and tried to furrow his brows, but couldn’t quite achieve the angry pirate image he wanted to convey.
“You know you really are a…”
“Poofter,” a cocky voice offered.
“Yeah, a Poofter! And another thing…” Xander trailed off as all three heads turned toward the still nude and smiling Spike.
--
Buffy stood motionless in the hotel’s small shower. She hadn’t taken off her flip-flops, fearing the notorious shower grimies that thrived there. She could fight the evilest of evils and save the world countless times, but she was still terrified of hotel germs. And spiders…no matter how strong she is, no girl likes spiders. She sighed and turned the now chilly water off. Dripping, she stepped out of the shower onto the cold, wet floor and slipped. If it weren’t for Slayer reflexes, she would have cracked her head open on the side of the tub. As it was, she just cringed at the pain in her ribcage. Buffy tried to stand up, but faltered when her most painful memory flooded over her.
“Ask me again why I could never love you!”
You looked down on him…you never stopped doing that! You could see the pain in his eyes…he was confused, hurt and terrified. God, you know he didn’t want to hurt you! With all the mixed signals you sent to him every time you two had sex…this had been almost normal! Was it any wonder he kept pushing? The way he ran out of there…like a dog with his tail between his legs and a visibly breaking heart…that wrenched even your cold heart Buffy. You really are an awful bitch you know. He didn’t deserve to be treated like that. He loved you with his soul, even before he had it back, and you tossed it in his face time and time again. Some defense mechanism. Frittered away the short time you had with him, then offered him up to the lions instead of giving Angel up. Well, now you’re alone like a stupid git and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Buffy shook her head and straightened up.
“I’m not alone,” she yelled at her plump reflection in the mirror. She placed a hand gently on her stomach. “And when did I start saying ‘git’?”
--
Willow averted her eyes to the floor.
“Wow. I…w…wow. I can totally see why Buffy liked you so much…”
Spike’s grin widened then fell when he realized he was still nude. “Why couldn’t Anya just send me right to Buffy? That stupid git,” he thought.
“Oh bloody hell, can someone at least give me a pillow or something?”
“Spike,” Angel seethed before chucking a pillow at him, which Spike nimbly caught.
“What are you doing here?”
Spike looked around and shrugged, holding the pillow in front of himself.
“Well I sure don’t know Poofter. Saw a white light for a while then all of a sudden, I’m surrounded by your smiling faces. Afterlife is really a letdown if you’re here.”
Spike plopped down on the couch next to Willow, who bounced up quickly with a squeak.
“I’m gonna…pants. For Spike. Spike pants. Pants for Spike…”
Spike smiled, his white human teeth gleaming.
“Thanks Red.”
“What? Thanks? Umm…”
“For the pants Red. Preemptive pants thanks.”
“Oh…yeah, right. Pants. I’m on it.”
Willow bolted awkwardly out of the office on a pants quest, and Xander finally spoke up.
“So you’re not dead? Or not undead…or…well how does that whole thing work with you anyways?”
Spike rolled his eyes and sighed at the one-eyed Scoobie.
“Obviously, mate. Right here. Bloody flesh and…well, blood.”
“Ah…still all with the ‘Big Bad’ persona then? Right…so no one in the afterlife fixed your hair I see?”
“Oi! Now don’t insult my hair, mate. I haven’t tried yet, but I bet I can bite you now.”
“Settle down Captain Peroxide,” Angel piped up.
Spike frowned, “Hey!”
“If I have to be a…Poofter, then…well, whatever. We have to figure out why you’re back. Everyone has been plenty happy without you around you know. Especially Buffy.”
“Angel,” Xander scowled at the broody vamp. He didn’t like Spike much, but he’d be damned if he was going to let the last guy to save the world for Buffy be lied to. Spike raised an eyebrow at him.
“Spike, it’s not true. Buffy’s been….God, she’s been miserable since you died, uh again.”
Concern flashed across Spike’s face.
“What happened?”
“Well, she didn’t say anything after we left the crater, er…Sunnydale. Sunnydale’s a crater now, by the way.”
“Right. No more vacations there. Go on…”
“It was weird, when she and Angel broke up, she was sad, and when we brought her back, she was all cold and closed up Buffy. When you died…it was like…”
“Out with it already!”
“It was like her soul went with you. She just looked so empty…like she had nothing left. Then she started getting all sick and then just vanished.”
“Sick? What do you mean sick? She alright?”
“Well, like ‘Blechh!!’,” Xander mimed retching, to no one’s amusement, then continued.
"You know, throwy-upy all the time sick.”
“So, where is she now? She alright? All moved on with some nice boring bloke?”
Xander rolled an eye and Angel threw his hands up.
“I can’t take anymore of this,” Angel shouted before storming out the door, almost knocking Willow over in the process.
“Here,” she said, proudly thrusting a black t-shirt and dress pants at Spike. “Sorry I couldn’t find any jeans, but hey black!”
“Anything is better than, well, than nothing, kitten, thanks,” Spike said, turning back to Xander, “Now about Buffy, where is she now? She alright?”
Willow interjected, “She left about a month after you…well, and we haven’t heard from her since. It’s been like five months already and there’s no trace of her. Can’t even find her with a spell…it’s like she just doesn’t want to be found, you know? I traced her as far as Buffalo, but after there, well…after there, she’s just gone. Even Dawnie hasn’t heard from her. Oh!!! What’ll Dawnie say when she hears you’re alive?? Oh! She’ll be so happy!”
Spike had clothed himself as Willow spoke, and then absently sucked on a tooth.
“Well then, it’s off to Buffalo.”
“Good chicken wings there,” Xander offered.
“Right,” Spike said, “I’ll be needing a coat though…I seem to have misplaced mine.”
--
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!