Chapter One
As she rose toward consciousness Buffy groaned aloud. Every muscle in her body felt like it was on fire. She tried to open her eyes but the glare of the bright lights overhead forced them shut again.
“Buffy? It’s okay baby. I’m right here beside you. Everything is going to be okay now.”
The voice was familiar. Comforting. Buffy responded to it instinctively. A gentle hand brushed the hair from her face and she welcomed it.
Slowly she opened her eyes again, allowing them to adjust to the harsh light. The ceiling above her was white. Jagged cracks zigzagged through the paint like miniature bolts of lightning. Beneath her aching body she could feel the firmness of the hard bed. The stiff sheets rubbed uncomfortably against her sensitive skin. Hearing a slight noise she turned her head. Her mother’s beautiful face came into focus and she smiled wearily.
“Mom?” Her voice was cracked. Her throat sore. “What happened?”
“You’ve come home to us baby. You’re getting better now.”
A frown creased her features as Buffy tried to process her mother’s words. “Better?”
“Yes Buffy.” The stark relief on her mother’s face was almost painful to watch. Tears ran down her cheeks. Red eyes a testament to the river that preceded them. “Sunnydale is gone now,” she whispered. “It’s over.”
Suddenly images came at Buffy from all sides. The surprise in Willow’s eyes as she saw Buffy come at her with a saucepan clutched in her hand. Xander screaming as the demon’s talons slashed his belly open. The odd angle of Tara’s neck as she landed with a sickening thud at the bottom of the basement stairs. Dawn’s blood, slowly draining from her body. Her eyes staring sightlessly at Buffy where she hid under the stairs.
A desperate keening sound filled the room and Buffy absently noticed that it was coming from her. Her stomach rebelled and she grabbed for the side of the bed, the meagre contents of her stomach spilling onto the pristine floor.
She had killed her friends. Every one of them. All to escape a world that was too heavy for her to carry anymore. She had condemned Spike to live there alone, never knowing what had happened.
She had betrayed everyone who had loved her. What would she do now?
**********
Buffy stared unblinking into her coffee cup, watching the stream rise lazily from the inky black surface. Very gently she blew into the cup, engrossed in the twists and turns of the dancing vapour as it scattered and reformed.
“Buffy.”
At the sound of her name she took a sip and placed the cup on the polished wood of the doctor’s desk. Finally she allowed her eyes to meet his, acknowledging his presence for the first time since she’d entered the room. Dr. Callahan was a tall, black man in a white coat and thin wire-rimmed glasses. His face was pleasant, his body relaxed in his well-padded office chair. He looked like the sort of man that had heard everything and Buffy wondered if anything ever shocked him anymore. He sat patiently through her examination and when she finally straightened a little out of her slumped position in the chair, he smiled kindly.
“Would you like to talk about what happened yesterday?” he asked.
“Aren’t you afraid it might send me back?”
He sat forward in his chair and clasped his long-fingered hands on the desk in front of him. “No,” he stated plainly. “I don’t think that will happen.”
“Why not?” She had the feeling she really wouldn’t like his answer.
“Because there’s nothing left for you there.”
She was right. She hated his answer.
The tears that seemed never-ending escaped once again from her tired, red eyes. “Because I killed them all.”
“No Buffy.” His tone was more forceful now, but still kind. “You didn’t kill anybody. They were never alive. They were never real.”
“They were real to me!” Her eyes held his as she tried to convey with those simple words the significance of what she’d done in her heart.
Obviously deciding to try a new tact the doctor asked, “What do you remember about your life before Sunnydale? About when all this started?”
Sighing heavily Buffy pulled herself upright and took another sip of her coffee. “I was a normal teenager until I was 16. Everything changed the day I met Merrick. He told me that I had been called to be the next vampire slayer.” She snorted as she remembered her reaction to that little bit of news. “I thought he was crazy of course. But then he took me to the local cemetery and I fought and killed my first vampire. I was terrified. Everything that I thought I knew about the world disappeared in that one instant.”
She looked up to find him watching her intently. “I fought vampires nearly every night after that. Merrick was always with me. He taught me how to fight, to protect myself from the things that went bump in the night. When Merrick was killed by a vampire…” She swallowed past the painful lump that suddenly formed in her throat. “I was so scared. I felt so guilty for not being able to protect him. I was all alone and didn’t know what to do. I was just a kid. That’s when I told my parents what had been happening. You should have seen the looks on their faces.” She paused, lost for a moment in her memories. “It wasn't long after that they brought me here. I thought I was only here for a few weeks but obviously...”
When she saw the look of confusion on his face she frowned. “What is it?”
“Nothing,” the doctor was quick to reassure her. After a moment he asked again. “That's everything you remember?”
She looked him steadily in the eye, wondering what it was he wanted her to say. “That's everything.”
**********
Buffy threw herself down on the stiff white sheets of her hospital bed. She had two whole days to herself before she had to see her doctor again and she was grateful for even this small reprieve.
The counselling sessions were draining for her. Dr Callahan was nice and all, but he was always referring to her friends as ‘mind traps’. It drove her crazy. Well, figuratively anyway.
She’d been in ‘the real world’, as she had come to think of it, for over a month now. And yes she did understand that her memories of the past six years had only happened in the confines of her own mind. That nothing of the world she had loved existed here. But that didn’t stop what she felt in her heart.
A soft knock sounded at the door and a moment later her mother’s smiling face popped inside.
“Hey honey,” she said cheerily. “Mind if I come in?”
“Of course not,” Buffy sat up, greeting her mother with a small smile.
“How are you feeling today?”
Buffy shrugged. “Okay I guess. But I want to go home.”
Joyce smiled and tucked a stray lock of Buffy’s hair behind her ear.
“I know you do baby.” Joyce took a deep breath. Buffy noticed the tension that vibrated from her mother and it made her nervous.
“What is it Mom?”
Joyce looked into her eyes for a moment. “Buffy the doctor says you can come home soon.”
Buffy’s face broke out into a big smile. “That’s wonderful,” she exclaimed eagerly. “When?”
“Well,” Joyce continued. “He wants you to visit first with someone from your past. Someone you haven’t seen for a long time.”
“Who?” Confusion marred Buffy’s features as she waited for her mother to continue.
“He was your friend in high school. His name is William.”
A shiver ran through Buffy as Spike’s face flashed through her mind. She gave herself a mental kick. Spike isn’t real, she told herself firmly. There are plenty of real Williams in ‘the real world’. Spike isn’t one of them. But then who…?
“I don’t remember having a friend named William.”
Joyce turned even more pale, her eyes wide with worry. “I know honey.” Joyce stood up and moved restlessly about the room. “That’s why Dr Callahan would like you to meet him before you leave.”
Buffy could feel her mother’s tension mounting, which in turn made her more agitated. But she so wanted to get out of the hospital she was willing to do pretty much anything.
“Send him in,” Buffy stated with a determined nod.
“Okay.” Joyce headed slowly toward the door, the bright sheen of tears glistening in her eyes, before turning to Buffy once more. “Remember Buffy I’ll be just outside this door. Everything will be okay.”
Buffy tried to give her mother a reassuring smile, her heart thudding in her chest as Joyce left the room.
When the door opened again a young man appeared. With a jerk Buffy crawled as far back up the bed as she could. Her eyes flickered between the clear blue eyes, the sharp cheekbones and the shock of bleached hair.
“No,” she moaned, unable to tear her eyes from this reminder of everything she had left behind. “You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real.”
“Buffy.” At the sound of his voice everything inside of her went still. A single tear escaped her unblinking eyes to trail down one pale cheek.
“Buffy,” he repeated. “It’s Will. I’m here. I’m alive.” Slowly he inched toward her. His gaze holding hers captive.
“Spike,” the name burst from her lips in a desperate plea. He shook his head.
“No love,” he whispered as he took her hand. “There is no Spike. Only William.”
She felt the warmth of his skin as his larger hands engulfed hers. Slowly he placed her hand flat against his chest. Faintly, she felt the beat of his heart thudding within him. Quick, but steady. And very much alive.
Buffy raised confused eyes back to his, noting the hopeful expression on his face. “W-William.”
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!