Summary: Buffy experiences a loss, and need someone to comfort her.
Spoilers: Through the fourth season of Buffy and the first of Angel.
Disclaimer: Joss made them. I like to make them cry. The lyrics are by
Savage Garden.
Rating: PG

* * * * * * *

Angel awoke abruptly. If his heart beat, it would be pounding, he
acknowledged in that confused moment of post-sleep. Glancing at the clock, he
saw that it was only an hour or so after sunrise. Unnerved, he sat up and
dialed Cordelia's number.

After three rings, her groggy voice greeted him. "Hello?"

"Cordelia. Are you okay?"

"I was until you called," she said irritably. "Why?"

"I... I don't know. I just..." He shook his head with a sigh. "I'm sorry
for waking you. Ah, is Wesley over there?"

"Yeah."

"Is he... He's all right, isn't he?"

"Just a little asleep," she responded, yawning. "What's going on, Angel? Is
something wrong over there? Do you need us?"

"No... No I don't think so. I'm sorry for waking you."

"G'night," she mumbled and then promptly hung up on him.

Angel looked at the phone for a minute, chewing on his lip. After a split
second of hesitation, he dialed another number. The phone was snatched up on
the first ring. "Buffy?"

"No." Angel grew increasingly concerned. "It's Angel. I'm- I'm sorry for
calling so early, Giles, but... Is everyone okay over there?"

Giles's voice was worried. "No, I should say not. Buffy's disappeared."

"What?" Angel exploded. "Is... What kind of danger is there? I'll leave for
Sunnydale as soon as the sun sets. Do you need me to bring--"

"I don't believe she's in any danger," Giles said wearily. "Unless she
brings it upon herself. You see... Riley... He just died. Buffy went off
and no one knows where to. Do you have an idea of where she might be?"

Angel's shoulders slumped. "I didn't want to believe it," he murmured.

"Believe what?"

"I woke up and... And I felt... She's mourning for him, Giles. Her grief is
so intense that..." Angel trailed off uncertainly.

"That you felt it?" Giles suggested slowly.

"Something like that. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Angel, I don't mean to..." Giles paused. "I don't see how your arrival
here would help Buffy. If anything, it would most likely push her farther
emotionally than she can handle right now. Maybe it would be better if I
just called you and let you know how-"

"I'm coming, Giles," Angel interrupted firmly. "I can help. Please only
call if she comes home before sundown."

Giles sighed, resigned. "All right. I pray that you're right about helping
her."

Angel closed his eyes, blinking the stinging tears away. "I am."
* * * * * * *

"So nobody's seen her?" Angel glanced at Xander and then Willow. He stared
at her for a second. "Did she say anything before she left? Something about
where she might have gone? You were with her, right?"

"I was with her," Willow said hollowly, her eyes far away. "When she
realized he was dead, she just... She got that look that she gets. Like when
Jenny died, only worse. Like she wasn't even there anymore. Like she
couldn't think or breathe or even cry. Like she was dead inside. Then she
just ran into the woods. I tried to go after her, but..."

Xander laid his hand on Willow's shoulder. "It's okay, Will. You couldn't
have... She's faster than any of us. Maybe she just needs to be alone for a
while."

"She doesn't need to be alone," Angel spoke up quietly. "She's alone too
much... In her mind. She needs all of you right now. She's just afraid."

Giles took off his glasses, looking at Angel seriously. "Afraid of what?"

"Afraid if she lets herself feel the hurt, then she won't be able to stop
feeling it," Angel explained, his heart heavy. "Ever."

A tear slipped down Willow's face. "She's... I saw her face. She looked so
lost, Angel. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be that lost with
somebody right there next to them. I didn't think that kind of hurt could be
reality."

"She's felt it before," Giles said regretfully, glancing at Angel. Angel
shifted under his scrutiny and then Giles looked away, putting his glasses
back on. "I just wish there had been something I could do to keep her from
this kind of despair. Once you allow yourself to fall into it, it's
difficult to pull yourself out."

Willow's sniffle soon became a choked sob and Xander pulled her into his
arms, comforting her. He looked at Angel over her shoulder. Under these
circumstances, his pride was an easy thing to swallow. "Please find her."

Angel nodded once, and then was gone.
* * * * * * *

It didn't take him long to find her. Even miles away he could sense her
presence as he'd always been able to, and he simply followed it. The
tingling in his chest took him to the edge of the woods and then through it,
up the dirt paths filled with dead leaves and past the caves that monsters
dwelled in. He followed his senses to the top of the hill until he reached
the clearing where he felt she would be.

He cursed himself silently for not going there in the first place.

She had shown him that small clearing when they first started dating. 'I
like to come here when things get too intense. Looking out over the town,
seeing all the lights... It's calming. The sunset is so pretty from here.
But the night is prettier. I... I wanted you to see it,' she had explained
in that shy way she sometimes had when she wasn't sure how someone would
react.

And then later, on that fateful Christmas night years ago, she had cried in
his arms. 'What about me? I love you so much. And I tried to make you go
away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so
hard. And that you can hurt me... So much. I know everything that you did,
because you did it to me. God, I wish that I wished you dead. I don't.
...I can't.'

So many kisses, so many moments they had shared on top of this small hill,
holding hands or just talking together. Laughing when there was nothing to
laugh about. Angel spotted her on the edge of the hill, huddled against
herself, her knees pulled up to her chest. Her hair long blond hair was wavy
and messy around her shoulders, the sleeve of her shirt torn. He shook his
head, clearing it. This wasn't about the two of them. It was about her. He
approached slowly.

Buffy didn't turn around. "I knew you'd come."

He paused, mid-step, and then started forward again. "You did?"

"I felt you," she murmured. She shrugged, still looking out over the town.
The lights twinkling merrily beneath them, oblivious to her pain. "As soon
as you decided to come, I guess."

"Have you been here all day?"

"Yes."

He reached her, sitting down next to her on the soft dirt. "Everyone's
worried about you, Buffy. Willow's... She can't stand it. Giles actually
looked at me. Xander even asked for my help."

Her laugh sounded on the edge of hysteria. "Wow. Xander asked for your
help, he must be worried about me. I'm fine, though."

"Riley's dead."

"Don't!" She finally turned to him, her eyes blazing, her lips trembling.
"You don't get to talk about him. You... You didn't know anything about him.
You didn't like him."

"No," he agreed gently, "But you did. And I love you."

Her shoulders shook silently. "It was my fault," she whispered.

Angel put one arm around her. "How was that?"

"I thought it would be nice to get away. We were going camping," she
started. "It was going to be a whole weekend. Willow came, and Xander and
Giles were going to come later because they couldn't make it the first night.
And then when the sun came up, I woke up and saw a huge... It was a monster
and it broke his neck." Her laughter was half-insane. She nodded to
herself. "I killed it, though. After I saw he was dead, I ran after it and
I killed it. I just... I beat it and hit it and I just... I broke its neck.
It was my idea to come."

"Buffy, I'm sure he knew the score. All of you have to, working like you do,
with the things you work with. There's danger all around you, all the time.
It's not your fault that some of it claimed one of you," Angel squeezed her
small frame a little closer. "It's going to be okay..."

"It's not!" she denied wildly, struggling to free herself from his grasp.
"It's not going to be okay, ever again! I can't even breathe without him
here. I..." She hit Angel's chest weakly, pushing herself away but he
hugged her tightly. Her voice was choked with tears. "I love him, Angel..."

"I know." Angel's heart ached with her words but he closed his eyes and
wound his arms around her. She calmed a little, sobbing against his chest.
"It's so hard, Buffy. I can't tell you that it's going to ever be something
you can look back on and not feel anything over. If you love him now, you're
always going to love him. But time goes by and it hurts less. And that's
what we have to look forward to."

She looked up, her eyes shimmering and red with weeping. "I don't want to
look forward to anything. I just want to go back. I want to go back to... I
thought I was done hurting like this. I thought that someone could only hurt
like this once without dying. I don't want to..."

"But you will," he said softly, kissing her temple. "You'll feel it all and
you'll survive it. And when you can, you'll look back on knowing him with
all of the love that you feel right now, and you'll realize that you're not
crying anymore. And that's the day it'll be better, even if it's only a
little."

Buffy sucked in her breath, looking up at him again, sharply. "I-- I'm
sorry. I didn't mean to--"

"Shh..." He shook his head, pulling her back to him. "It's okay."

She watched him for a moment and then nodded, letting herself be drawn back
into his embrace. "I love him, Angel," she said again.

"I know." He lowered them both to the ground, still keeping her close. He
took off his jacket and wrapped it around her, and she laid her head against
his chest as if to listen to a heartbeat that wasn't there. "Tell me about
him."

Buffy hesitated and then smiled tremblingly. "He's... He was a lot like you,
sort of. He was strong and so brave. And he made me feel so beautiful. He
could make me laugh, too. He was sort of innocent, though. I liked that
sometimes and sometimes we fought about it. I liked fighting with him,
though, so I couldn't really complain. He was really smart. He was a good
man."

"He'd have to be, to fall in love with you," Angel smiled, stroking her
shoulder. "Of course, I might be a little biased."

Buffy nodded. "I don't want to leave."

"I don't want to leave, either," he said simply. "But you have to. Because
you have to be with Willow and Xander and Giles. They need to be with you
too. They need to touch you and hold you and see for themselves that you're
safe."

"I feel safe with you," she sighed.

"Thank you." The ache in his chest eased the smallest bit.

"No." She shook her head. "Thank you."
* * * * * * *

"So how are you doing?"

Buffy frowned a little. His voice sounded too far away over the phone. "I'm
doing better, I guess. I'm a little surprised that you called."

He smiled to himself a little uneasily. "I just wanted to..."

"Check up on me?" she finished for him.

"Yeah."

"Well, thanks for that." Her laughter was a little sad but also warm. "I
think I'll be needing a lot of checkups for a long time. But you were right,
Angel."

"I know."

She giggled. "Don't you want to know what you were right about?"

"Everything," he said with a chuckle, wishing he could see her face.

"Maybe," she conceded. "But I was talking about thinking about him.
Yesterday, while I was walking to one of my classes, I started thinking about
how Riley and I would always accidentally get our homework mixed up with each
other's and then be totally unprepared when we got to class... And I smiled.
I was smiling about him. It felt good."

"I'm glad," he said honestly.

"Yeah." She sounded wistful in his ear. "Me too. I- It must be hard for you
especially. Staying alive after someone you love dies. I feel like that
sometimes..."

"It's hard," Angel acknowledged. "It doesn't get any easier. That's one of
the dangers that comes with forming relationships, of any kind. But it's
worth it for the most part."

"I suppose." She paused. "Angel?"

"Hmm?"

"I missed you. Thanks for coming when I needed it I... I sort of tried
calling you, you know, in my mind," she confessed. "Thanks for understanding
me like you do."

"Thanks for calling me."

"I wanted you there."

"I wanted to be there for you," he admitted.

"Good. I need to go."

"All right."

"I'll... Talk to you later?" she asked uncertainly.

Angel smiled. "Count on it."

The End


When you feel alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know that you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take it anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone



Send some feedback
More B/A fic
Something else