Summary: The second in my three part series. Buffy's pov during the season finale.
Spoilers: Through Graduation Day 2! love/angst
Disclaimer: If I claim them as mine, will anyone really believe me? I thought not. They belong to Joss.
Rating: PG13
Much thanks to Laura.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had walked to the mansion after my fight with Faith in a daze. Trying to tell myself that there was another way, knowing that there wasn't. I was the only way. The only way to keep him alive. And if I was the only way to make sure Angel didn't die and take my heart with him, I would give my life to do it.

So even as I told him what I planned, how it would all work out-- how it all *had* to work out-- I was trying to tell him that it was okay. I was trying to tell him that it was okay if I died, because if he left me living after he turned to dust, I would rather die anyway.

I could see the flicker of it in his eyes as he stood up and stumbled away from me, away from my demanding voice and face. I can read his eyes so well. He wanted to do this. It terrified him, but against his heart, he wanted it. And I wanted it for him. I wanted it for me.

He asked me, "Please." Knowing that if he spoke to me anymore, I would just hurt more than I did at that moment, I hit him. Hit him again. And again, until finally his game face was in place. Determined, willing to do anything for my heart, I looked into his eyes calmly and pulled aside my tank top, yanking his head towards my neck.

His lips fell on my skin and I cradled his head there for a moment, stroking the hair softly, lovingly, telling him that I loved him, that everything would work out. And then his fangs were in me, and the pain was so intense I could have choked on my own tears. I felt my own blood seep down my shoulder and neck as his tongue lapped eagerly at my wound. We fell to the floor, and he managed to get the presence of mind to block the blow I would have felt by letting us land on his elbow.

And then, out of nowhere, it didn't hurt anymore.

The fear was still there, yes. But it was accompanied by such a strange feeling of pleasure, such a cool warmth that spread throughout my limbs. I felt my body shudder in response to what he was doing, giving him everything I had, loving him for taking it. My hand stretched out and I steadied myself by holding onto an iron pitcher. But the pleasure was so intense by then that it was painful and after a moment, I felt the pitcher crunch in my hand.

I could see the side of his face, his eye as it closed and rolled back with pleasure. And my heart was bursting with pride and fear and happiness all at once. That I could give him something so special to me, for the second time in my life, felt wonderful, amazing. My leg inched up his, barely falling short of wrapping around his hips and my hands clutched at his arms, those arms that were so perfect, so known by me.

And then the fear was back, and my mind blanked out. I shot my leg out and knocked over a table with my foot, hearing it crash against the fireplace. "Angel!" I tried to cry to him, "I love you, I love you! Please, Angel! Please Angel..."

And then I closed my eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While I was in the hospital, I had strange dreams. Mostly of that night, so long ago, on my birthday. I aged a thousand years that night. And learned so much and got to love so little. And I dreamed of Faith, and her giving me the answer.

Mostly I just dreamed of Angel.

As long as I've been the Slayer, even before I met him, he was always there. Floating on the edge of my vision, calling to me, letting me know what true love was before I fell into it. And I saw him in the hospital as if he was a regular man, the sunshine lighting up his eyes and hair, sitting there, worried for me. Maybe I saw him that way because that's the way I've always seen him. Someone real, someone to touch, someone human. Someone who loved me.

By giving him my blood, there was something different from before, but I didn't know what yet. He was stronger, I was sure. Stronger than any vampire I had ever faced, probably stronger than me. That was all right, though. As long as he was alive, he could be everything I could not. He would make up for my lacking, and I would do the same for him.

I felt him lean down and kiss me softly before his presence was gone from the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He tried to tell me that he wouldn't say goodbye. As much as I wished that I could hate him, even resent him, I somehow couldn't. It was like I was crippled with love for him, even after everything that had happened. So much more now. So when he broke the silence with telling me that he was just going to leave, I couldn't listen.

I would listen to anything but what he was saying then.

I held up my hand to stop him and he quieted. Trying to swallow back the tears that were almost spilling out of my eyes, I focused on looking past him, looking at the wall or my hands or my shoes. But nothing seemed to work. He was more a part of my sight than before. I wondered just what it was that we had shared in that room.

He slowly left and I curbed the impulse to call out to him, to tell him that I loved him and would miss him and still needed him. I couldn't say that.

I was no longer allowed to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During the battle, I turned for a few seconds to watch him fight. It was one of the most glorious sights I'd ever seen. Vampire after vampire, demon after demon, he took them all down. One after the other, not stopping until they were dust floating in the mix of the war.

I was so proud of him. I can't even express how it felt to look at him, to watch him do that, and know, deep down inside, that a part of it was due to me. That when I gave him my blood, I also gave him my heart and my strength. I was a little weaker than before, but to watch him like that for even a second was worth it all.

Except for the broken heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After it was all over, I knew that he was gone. I didn't know how I knew, but I did. I understood that he had done as he said he would. That he had left without saying goodbye, that the man I loved had found a way to break my heart once again. And still I felt no anger.

Only loss. Only grief.

Xander and Giles each gave me small comforts, basic conciliatory words, but it didn't help. I wanted to curl up in my bed, in my house and cry over Angel. I wanted to sob and think of him, like the girl I was, instead of the warrior.

And then I felt him.

I turned, knowing that I would see him there, my eyes searching, looking for him. And then the smoke and fog cleared and I saw him staring at me across an impossible distance. I wanted to run to him, throw myself into his arms and let him hold me, even if it was for one last time. But I knew that my heart couldn't take that, take that leaving after I was able to touch him again.

So I remained still. And so did he. He just stood and... watched me.

I could hear him calling me, speaking to me, and suddenly I understood perfectly. My blood formed this connection. That I had given to him so freely something so precious of mine had made it possible for me to touch him, even when he wasn't near me, to sense him when he wasn't there. I heard his heart tell mine that he loved me, that he wished he could say it out loud, that he would never forget me.

And back I shouted agreements, that I lived for him, and loved him, and would wait for him forever. Even if forever turned out to be a long time, it would never be too long, and that's how long I would wait. He was mine, sworn and blooded, and I knew that even if I touched him then, my heart would break as I watched him leave. Because now I knew what I hadn't before. We were one person, one heart and soul, something better when we were together. Complete.

And I just looked at him, loving him and letting him know it.

Finally, after a forever in glances and touches and kisses, he turned and slowly walked out of my life and into the night. I watched him go, every cell in me telling me to scream for him to stay, but I wouldn't let myself because I finally knew why he had to leave. But he didn't leave alone.

He took my heart with him.

The End

Send Feedback

Go on to the sequel...The Danger of Love