Summary: Xander reflects on his friendship with Willow, and the changes of the past few months.
Spoilers: Everything
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, no matter how much I wish they were.  < sigh > They belong to Joss Whedon and the WB I have to live with borrowing them for my stories.
Rating: You watch the show, this is fine.
Thanks to: Tracy for being the bestest of all the best beta-ers, and Laura for threatening me with no more stories if I didn't come up with something new.
:)

The rain is falling hard outside. One of our many beautiful days in Sunnydale. Uh huh. I used to love the rain, and I guess the unexpected storm is good for the dry spell we've been having, but all it does is match my mood... Drags me down lower, even. The gray matches my temper, the rain matches my heart.

The water falling so hard kicks up the dirt from the ground. Mud. Oh, joy. I'm gonna have to walk to school tomorrow in it.

I miss Willow. I miss everything about her, even the things I never knew and will obviously never get to find out. There was hardly anything about her I didn't know, though. Which I guess was the only good part about our diminishing friendship. I will go away with a lot of wonderful memories.

Like, when we were younger, Willow used to hate scary movies. She still does, but I don't torment her anymore. One time, years ago, Jesse and I rented Slumber Party Massacre. We rented it mostly for the promise of naked females, but there was also the scaring Willow thing. As Jesse and I spent the night laughing and watching the movie in awe, she spent it snuggling into my shoulder in terror, clutching the bottom of my shirt and whimpering. I never missed things like that until now, because she did them all the time.

I never realized what a big part of me she was, either. Like, since we're not really talking or touching or being friends anymore, I'm not complete. She *is* me, in a way. I wish she would see it that way, too, because every second we pretend that everything is fine between us feels like there's acid burning a hole through my heart.

And I know she doesn't love me like that anymore. I'm not sure she ever did. And that's okay, because though she was my best friend and I loved her and was attracted to her, I was never in love with her. Knowing that finally hurts me, even though, deep down, I knew it then.

When I kissed her that night, all I had on my mind was how wonderful she was.  And I wasn't even thinking how wonderful a lover she'd be for me, or how much I realized I was in love with her, but what a great friend she'd been over the years. Of course, then other thoughts started slipping into my head. The smallness of her body, how good it felt as we swayed to the music. The feel of her velvet dress against my hand. The smell of her hair. The light in her eyes.

And suddenly I was blind with wanting her.

But wanting and being in love with were two different things. I hate myself and that to figure out the differences took me so long and ruined our friendship. I was convinced that our friendship was one so strong that nothing could destroy it. Maybe it was that arrogance, that euphoria she called in me that did it.

And now she's back with Oz, and I'm not with Cordelia. More casualties in the mistakes I made. Two more people, some of the only people I trust and care about, got hurt over that. When am I going to stop making mistakes, stop hurting people I love?

I don't want to become my father.

A knock at the door pulls me out of the semi-trance I've been in, staring out the window at the rain. I heave myself off my bed and go downstairs to answer it.

As soon as I've hit the bottom stair, I falter to a stop and stare at the door. My gut is telling me who it is, but I won't allow myself to hope. I don't deserve it. She's not going to come back to me, things can never be like they were. All friendships and innocence fades in time. I tell myself these things, but still open the door quickly.

And it's her.

The rain has plastered her hair to her face and she's dripping. Shivers rack her body, but even though I hold the door open wider for her to come in, she just looks at me. She just looks at me. It's obvious she's run all the way here from her house, five blocks away.

And, all of the sudden, it's different. The awkwardness, the not knowing what to say leaves, and things fall into place with her tentative smile.

I grin back at her, wide, wider until I feel like my face is going to split in two. Running out to the porch where the rain is still coming down, I pull her into a long, hard hug. Roughly, I hold her, making sure she is real, making sure she is my friend and always will be. She hugs me back just as tightly.

"Xander?" Her whisper is muffled against my shoulder, but her unrestrained voice is free of the tension of the past few weeks, and it sounds like heaven. "Are things okay with us? I need them to be."

I nod, though she can't really see me to it and my voice is husky with tears when I answer. "From now on," I promise. "Always. I love you, Will."

She bobs her head against me, and her voice breaks with tears that she's been holding. She knows what I mean. I'll always love her. No matter what happens between us, she'll always be my best friend.

"I love you, too, Xand." She pulls back and lifts her face to smile at me, a ray of sunshine on the rainy day, before throwing herself back into my arms.  We're soaking wet, but I feel warmer than I have in a long time.

And suddenly, my eyes clear of the dust that seems to have been there for weeks, and I can see the future with them. The promise of it is blinding.

Like the sun.

Like her.

The End.

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