Summary: The final installment of my Butterfly series. Xander's pov.
Spoilers: Minor-to-none.
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. I like to think he did it so that I
could mess with them on occasion. The song at the end is by Mark Wills.
Rating: PG
Feedback: It's addictive stuff, I tell ya.
Thanks to Tracy, for beta-ing, and for being the greatest. :)

I know I'm not the smartest guy alive. In that department, I could never
compare to Giles or Angel or even Oz. Maybe especially Oz. But I've always
thought I was at least a little observant, that all of my time spent with
Buffy and the group taught me a little something about noticing things.

Or something about how to make sure that other people don't notice things.

And I don't claim to be a great person, either. I've hurt too many people in
my life, watched too many people die, seen too many hearts break to think
that about myself. It would be a lie. And, if there was one thing I always
thought myself to be, it was honest.

Except, I'm finding out that that isn't true. I'm not honest. I've been
lying to myself and to my closest friends for my whole life. About me, my
family, where I wanted to go in life, and most importantly about my feelings.
That is, if they're important at all.

Willow would say that they are. So would Buffy. All of my friends would.
But they're not me. They don't know what I thought I was hiding.

Well, actually, they do. Which is basically the problem.
* * * * * *

I had a few choices of what to say when Oz told me that he was going to ask
Willow to marry him. I had known it was coming, though. Anyone could see it
in his eyes, except maybe Willow... But that was only because she was too
blind with love herself to realize how far their relationship had gone
together. So I simply muttered, "You are," as I leaned back from the table
and grasped my drink in my hands.

He explained to me then that the reason he had asked me there was to find out
if I was going to be a problem. He wanted to let me know that it was obvious
that I was in love with Willow, and though I was important to her, Oz didn't
want to be in the blind spot. I couldn't blame him. And I even admire what
he did; how he did it. He was really compassionate, I guess. Which is more
than I deserve.

But when it came time to answer, would I be a problem... I had to search my
heart pretty damn quickly to find out if I would be the kind of friend I had
always been, or the kind of friend that Willow deserved for once.

So I told Oz that no, I wouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't get in the way. I
wouldn't try to persuade her to run away with me and leave him, something
that had admittedly passed through my mind for the last few years. I
wouldn't hurt her, and him-- them-- in trying to get something I wanted.

And I knew that, at least once in my life, I had told the simple truth.
* * * * * *

I walked for a long time after that. I walked through the night, into the
morning, and until it was night again. I found myself all over Sunnydale.
Of course, I was careful-- had protective stakes and crosses and holy water
in my pockets-- but sometimes, I figured, a guy just needs to walk. So I did.

I stopped once at Oz's apartment, and saw the candlelight flickering on the
curtains. I knew what was going on in there. I knew what was happening, and
knew that her life would never be the same. Selfishly, it crossed my mind
that neither would mine. ...Willow was what I lived for for so long, even
before I had realized that I was in love with her. She was who I protected,
when we were little, someone who depended on me to give her my worn coat when
she was cold and make her laugh when she was sad and give her a hug when she
was crying. I lived for doing those things.

But they weren't there anymore. They never would be again. She would have
Oz, and he would make her laugh and make her warm and give her those hugs
that I looked forward to giving her. It was going to be his job.

No, not really.

It was going to be his privilege.
* * * * * *

Finally, I found myself on Buffy's doorstep. I knocked on the door and
waited for her to answer it, and when she finally did, I stumbled inside like
I was drunk and weak and in pain.

Well, I wasn't exactly weak. But the other two applied.

I fell on her couch like a dead man, and noticed her satin graduation gown
laying across it. I groaned. "I can't believe I forgot."

"I was worried about you, Xander," she murmured, kneeling beside the couch to
brush my hair out of my face. "I just called Giles again. I was about to go
out and look for you."

"Well, it wasn't like I was graduating," I feebly defended, and then felt
bad. "I'm sorry. That's not what I mean, not really. I just..." I opened
my eyes and looked at her concerned face, the face I had seen for eight
years. She was my friend. I could tell her.

As if on cue, she prodded, "You just what?"

"I talked to Oz yesterday. Well, pretty much, he talked to me."

Buffy adjusted until she was more comfortable, and held my hand tightly,
understanding written all over her face. "Oh. I see."

"You knew, didn't you?" I muttered, too tired emotionally to be angry. As
though I had a right to be anything.

She lifted her head, licked her perfectly shaped mouth and sighed. "I knew.
Oz told me a few days ago, told me that he was going to ask her to..."

"You can say it," I said. "Marry him."

"Yeah," she agreed softly. "I knew that he was going to ask her to marry
him. And I gave him my blessing, though I don't know what he needed mine for
anyway. So did Giles. We all think it's a good thing. And we also knew
that you were going to have a tough time with it. I thought Oz was going to
let Willow tell you, after."

"Well, he wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be a threat," I said dryly.
Buffy looked surprised. "Yeah, and he also told me that Willow is the only
one who doesn't know that I'm in love with her, so you can stop acting so
shocked."

"I wasn't!" Now she looked hurt, and I felt bad again.

I sat up, pulling her up onto the couch next to me. "Look, Buffy," I fairly
whispered, slinging an arm around her, "I'm really sorry. I am. I don't
mean to take this out on you or anybody. I just hope I can work through this
before I see her. I don't want her to get the brunt of it. I want me to. I
deserve it."

"Why do you say things like that, Xander?" she asked, tears filling her eyes.

I searched for a way to explain myself. "For all my life, Willow has been
there. The dependable one, the beautiful one. Even before she got to be as
beautiful as she was now, she was beautiful. She was like... A butterfly, or
diamond or something. She still is, she's so special that I have a hard time
describing it."

"Butterfly sounds pretty good," Buffy said with a smile.

I smiled back, sadly. "Yeah. Anyway, going with that, it's almost like
she's never really been free to be everything that she is, and fly away. I
know that's due to me, it has a lot to do with me, because I don't want her
to go anywhere. She's so... precious. I don't want to lose her. But I
can't take that away from her any longer. I've done it for too long as it
is."

"Wow. A guy using a word like 'precious,' " Buffy cracked. "It must be
love."

I leaned my head against hers, which was resting against my chest. It was
just the cozy, sad hug from her to me, because I needed it. Which is why I
cared about Buffy so damn much, and what makes *her* so special. "Yeah," I
assured her quietly, stillness falling over the room. "It really is."
* * * * * *

It was three days before I saw Willow again. And when I finally did, her
ring sparkled so brightly, I thought I might go blind.

I had been climbing off a ladder, where I had been fixing a light bulb. I
wasn't even completely off-- two rungs from the ground-- before she bounced
into my arms; exuberant, alive, happier than I had ever seen her.

She hugged me tightly as I regained my balance on the ground, and I let
myself hug her back with as much energy. I also let myself smell her hair,
but I really shouldn't have, because my chest tightened with the scent of
apples and the scent of vanilla that's distinctly Willow.

"Can you believe it?" she squealed. She pulled away from me to hold me at
arms' length. "He told me that he asked you to be his best man, so I know
that you know," she grinned.

"Yeah, I know," I said, forcing what I hoped to be a natural smile. I hugged
her again. "Congratulations, Mrs.... What's Oz's last name, anyway?"

Willow laughed, winking. "You'll find out at the wedding."

I led her over to the table, where she sat down. I went to the refrigerator
to get sodas, and handed her one, sitting down across from her. "Which is
when?"

"Four months. I think that's a good amount of time, don't you?"

"Yeah. Great." I threw her another natural smile.

"Xander..." She looked confused. "Why are you baring your teeth at me? Is
something wrong?"

For a split second, I debated about whether or not to tell her. I thought
about holding her in my arms, the three perfect kisses we shared, and how
much she meant to me over the years.

And then I thought about how happy she looked, and how wonderfully free.

I smiled for real this time, taking her hand across the table. "No,
nothing's wrong. I guess I'm just going to miss everything, this you and me
thing that we've always had. But I'm happy for you, Will."

"Oh... Xander..." Her brow furrowed. "I love you! I would never let it get
to a place where there wasn't a you and me. There always has been. I think
it's the law that there always will be."

But I knew that she was wrong.

She leaned across the table and kissed my cheek warmly, a best friend to a
best friend, and I smiled with tears in my eyes. I saw the tears in hers,
too. Maybe she knew more than I or Oz or Buffy or anyone gave her credit
for. Maybe she even knew what I meant by saying that I would miss
everything. And that was pretty impressive, considering that even I didn't
know.

But it was okay. Or it would be in time.

We sat in silence, drinking our sodas, and I watched her as she shimmered in
front of my eyes, becoming an entirely different person in a matter of
moments. She was Willow, but so much more now, and I knew that it was
because I had finally let her go. I had finally loved her so much that I
wanted her to be happy, even if I couldn't be happy with her. I had finally
understood.

And in that moment, and for all of the moments that followed, she wasn't in
my cage anymore.

She was flying free.

The End
* * * * * *

Third of June she said goodbye
I watched her walk into the night
The hardest thing I ever did was let her go
We swore as friends we stay in touch
Best of friends don't mean that much
When that phone call comes to tell you
She's in love

She's in love
She's got that fire in her eyes
She's in love
How her smile lights up the sky
It's like she's walking on air
She's been set free
Still I can't believe
She's in love
Strolling down a one-way street
She's in love
You'd swear her heart has wings
She's in love
Why can't it be me

Told everyone I'm doing fine
Learned how to get on with my life
I just want what's best for her
So I lied
Found a note on my door last night
Said, "I'll be your friend 'till the day I die"
But you should know I found someone
Now she's in love

She's in love
She's got that fire in her eyes
She's in love
How her smile lights up the sky
It's like she's walking on air
She's been set free
Still I can't believe
She's in love
Strolling down a one-way street
She's in love
You'd swear her heart has wings
She's in love
Why can't it be me

Oh now she's in love
Why can't it be me
She's in love
She's in love
She's in love
She's in love

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