Summary: The issue of what Xander was afraid of
in Fear, Itself is confronted.
Spoilers: Fear, Itself.
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. I like to think he did it so that I
could mess with them on occasion.
Rating: PG13
Feedback: An important part of the ficcing process. Which means, "Please,
oh please send me feedback!!!"
Tracy is a beta god-dess! Tracy is a beta god-dess! You can chant too, if
you like.
by: Amy
* * * * * *
I could say that the worst moment in my life was when Cordelia found out
that
Willow and I had been kissing. That was pretty damn bad. Or I could pick
the time hundreds of females had decided to kill me because I couldn't be
shared. Well, that was less bad. Or maybe when Angel changed, and we had
to
watch Buffy go through that. That was really hard.
Or I could pick when Willow almost died. I wasn't sure I was going to get
over that, even when she lived and was fine. I sort of stuck to the fear
for
a long time, the fear that she would be gone and that I would have to live
without my best friend.
All of these had their downsides. And then there was the silver lining that
made everything okay again. Sort of. But this, what happened tonight, was
one of the worst things I've ever had to go through.
Everyone forgot to see me.
I understand it all now, of course. I'm not totally stupid. I get that it
was just my fear of that that made me invisible. Which is a pretty valid
fear, if you ask me. My parents don't think much of my existence. My first
girlfriend left the city without even saying goodbye to me.
And then all of my friends go off to college, while I'm left in town, trying
to find work. They have parties and classes and lunch together, and I'm
alone with my mother's laundry. It's a whole new world, college. We've
always heard that.
And now they're there and I'm.. not.
Different worlds.
So I'd understand if they did forget me. If I was invisible. If I didn't
matter.
But that was just my fear, wasn't it?
* * * * * *
I like having Anya around. I think she's pretty good for me. And she's nice
to look at and has a good smile and is a good kisser. But I really wish that
sometimes she'd learn to be more human and know when to shut up.
She doesn't seem to want to give up the idea that I shouldn't be hanging
around with my friends anymore. Maybe she just doesn't know what friendship
is, I don't know. And she smells nice. I shouldn't be so hard on her. But
she keeps insisting that Willow and Buffy and I shouldn't be friends anymore,
because we have nothing in common. Apparently, the fact that Oz and I are
both guys is enough in common for her. So it's "okay" with her that he stays
my friend.
And yeah, I am a guy. Guys have feelings too. Sometimes I want to cry, and
the girls really don't understand that. If you're scared, you're a chicken.
If you cry, you're weak. I like having Anya around, sure, but I'm starting
to get annoyed with how often she talks about me hanging out with Buffy and
Willow. Especially Willow. As if a thousand years of friendship isn't
enough to keep us strong.
And now Willow and Buffy are getting mad at me, because I won't tell them
what's wrong with me, or something like that. Girls are way too hard to
figure out. I just want to be reassured, I guess, that these differences
between us aren't going to become too big to deal with.
Because right now, I'm thinking that they are.
* * * * * *
What worries me most is thinking about losing Willow. I've known her for
so
long, and we've been through so much together that she's a part of me. Well,
not a literal part. But she's my friend. And something more than that,
something that either of us refuses to discuss because it might hurt too
many
people.
Like it's not hurting me or her by *not* discussing it. Like we're not
wasting time when we both know that we're perfect for each other. I mean,
isn't perfection what comes out of years and years of practice?
But I think about the future a lot, too.
It's pretty scary.
I see myself visiting Sunnydale, or wherever Willow has decided to settle
down at. I know she'll be rich and well known, with all of these wealthy
friends, and a great guy-- probably Oz, who'll probably be a famous rock
star. Willow, of course, will be running a huge computer software firm or
something, and she'll be beautiful, even more beautiful than she is now,
and
everyone will love her.
She'll ask Oz if I can come to their penthouse apartment and visit them,
meet
all of their hoity-toity, well-to-do friends, and maybe shmooze a little
at
one of their parties. He'll look at her like she's crazy and say, "Jobless,
nothing, goofy Xander with all of our interesting, somebody friends? Are
you
serious?" She'll burst into tears. Instead of me going to her party then,
we'll have lunch. But there won't be anything to talk about, not anymore.
We won't have anything in common. We won't know each other. We'll be miles
apart... worlds apart.
But maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe we'll always be as tight as we always have
been. Maybe she'll realize that even though she deserves more than me, she's
in love with me, and everything will be fixed by her knowing that. Maybe
just our friendship will make everything simpler.
I don't want to be invisible. I don't want her, especially, to forget me,
to
forget all we've had together. I mean, looking at us in this picture we took
about five years ago, anyone could see that we were all that mattered to
each
other. Me to her, and her to me.
But maybe I've already stopped matter--
* * * * * *
Willow raised her eyebrows, amused. "I didn't know you kept a journal."
Xander looked up in surprise, hastily stuffing the book behind his pillow.
He forced a smile, praying for the tears that had come into his eyes,
unbidden, to go away. "Yeah, I do. I saw on TV that it reduces stress...
It's an outlet for all that creative energy of mine. We both know how
creative I am."
Willow smiled, noticing his tears but choosing not to comment on them yet.
She sat down next to him on the bed. "Creative?"
"Yeah," he smiled, "With all those stories I make up about vampires and
demons trying to destroy the world from the little town of Sunnydale."
Willow laughed lightly, touching his hand. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he muttered roughly.
"Because if you're not..." she began, but was interrupted.
He looked up, saw the veiled understanding on her face. He sighed. "What's
going on, anyway? What are you doing here?"
Willow looked startled. "I just thought... We haven't spent that much time
together, you know, even before we were almost scared to death, so I thought
that maybe we could get together and hang out. Go out to eat or even stay
in
and watch Fantasia together." She took his hand gently. "You know how I've
always liked the dancing trees."
"Do you want to read it?" Xander blurted out. Then he stopped, wishing he
could take the words back.
Willow faltered, then smiled. "If you want me to, I will."
"Well, you know, you're my best friend," he mumbled, "So I don't mind if
you
do. If you want to. But I don't want to force you into anything. It could
get really strange between us, and I really don't want that, any more than
I
wanted it that last time--"
"Xander," Willow broke in, "If it doesn't bother you, I'd like to read it."
He nodded, looking away from her, and reached behind the pillow to retrieve
the spiral notebook. She took it from him and, noticing his pasty look,
patted his hand reassuringly.
"It's not going to get weird this time, Xander," she murmured. "I promise.
I won't let it."
He exhaled and leaned back, as Willow flipped the book open. "You haven't
written much," she commented softly, running her hands over his lettering
on
the first page.
"I only got it a couple days ago," he told her tiredly, closing his eyes
to
wait until it was over and she hated him.
Willow quickly skimmed the pages. Her eyes widened and narrowed at some of
the things he said, but she understood them. She glanced up at him for a
moment before returning to her reading. He looked miserable.
Finally, she gasped and threw the book down in anger.
"So you're mad at me?" he asked, knowingly.
"Damn right I'm mad! I'm furious!" she cried. "Xander, look at me!"
He kept his eyes closed, trying not to reveal the tears underneath his
eyelids. "It's okay, Will," he muttered. "You can just go if you like. We
don't need to talk about it."
Willow pursed her lips. She took a long look at him, then came to a
decision.
Straddling his legs, which were stretched out on the bed, she took his face
in her hands. She yanked his face around so that he was looking in her
direction. "If your eyes were open, Xander," she gritted, "I swear you'd
be
seeing the meanest resolve face I've ever shown. Now look at me!"
His eyes flew open as if scared by the anger in her voice. His heart
softened, disobeying his orders, at seeing her flaming, sparkling green
eyes.
"Willow, I'm sorry--" he started.
"You don't get to speak," she snapped, "Unless you're spoken to. Now, first,
why did you think I'd be mad?"
"Because of the... Well, there's the Anya, and then the talk about the things
I shouldn't talk about and... I don't really know. I just thought you would
be," he stuttered.
"I'm not mad about any of that, Xander," she said, her voice becoming more
Willow-like. "I'm mad that you didn't come to me with any of this. I'm mad
that you think I could forget you, that any of us could *ever* forget you."
"But I don't do anything," he protested quietly. "I just research."
"Xander, you've helped us out on more occasions than you know," Willow said,
almost whispering. "And it's more than that, too. You make us laugh.
You're important. When all we want to do is cry, you help us through that.
We'd never, *ever* forget you. I'd never forget you," she said hoarsely.
"Willow, there are so many things that I..." Xander stopped, not knowing
how
to explain.
"And as for the other thing, about the future... Do you really think I'd
act
like that?" she continued. "Do you really think that I'd let go of the best
friend-- sometimes the only friend-- that I've had since I was a child?"
"Even if Oz...?"
"Screw Oz," she muttered. "Screw everyone if it makes you happy, Xander."
She blushed. "Not that I meant it that way.. I just mean that, if it makes
you happy, I'd give up everything I've worked so hard for. If this is
killing you, if it's too hard..."
"No, I don't want you to do that," he said, his voice rough.
"Good." She smiled. "Because I wouldn't have. But I wanted to offer."
Xander smiled back. He opened his mouth to speak, but Willow shook her head
gently. His mouth closed quickly with an audible click, and he waited.
"About the other..." Willow started softly. "About the love. It's your
journal. I have a feeling you're not supposed to keep things from it, or
yourself, or whatever. And if you love me..." She leaned back, her eyes
clouding. "This is really complicated. I always thought that it was just
lust for you..."
"It was that too," he murmured, almost playfully.
Willow reddened. "It's just hard, you know? I'm not mad at you, Xander, for
writing those things. But I don't know what to do about them. I never knew
that you saw me... how you see me. Even after last year, I just thought it
was... I mean, I didn't know that you..."
"Were in love with you," he said understandingly. Then he paused, amending,
"Am in love with you."
Her eyes shone in the dim light. "We could never forget you, Xander," she
repeated.
They looked at each other for a long time. Finally, their breaths catching
in unison, Willow leaned forward to touch her lips to Xander's. It was a
light kiss, a soft caress composed mostly of breath and wanting, but it held
promises for the future. Xander reached up to touch her hair gently.
Willow finally pulled back and looked at him. His smile was bittersweet,
sad, but hopeful for the first time in a long while.
She slid off his lap and cuddled against his side. For a while, they were
wordless, not needing to speak; instead falling into the silent comfort they
had always been able to capture with each other, the kind that one could
only
find in deep friendships, or deep loves. Willow smiled. They were both.
Somehow, they had achieved that.
And both of them knew that it couldn't go any farther than the small, almost
chaste kiss that they had exchanged. At least not then. But someday, it
would. And a whole new world would open up to them. For them. Together.
She glanced up at him. He looked relaxed and at ease. Willow slipped her
arm around his waist, and he hugged her closer.
"I love you, Will," Xander murmured, his eyes closed.
Her heart felt warm, and all of the fuzzy feelings she constantly tried to
hide for him came back in a split second where everything was right and
pleasant and clear.
"I love you too," she said. "And, Xander?"
"Yeah?"
She lifted her head; looked into his eyes. "This... all of this..." she
whispered, touching his face, "All of who you are... That's why we'll never
forget."
The End