Summary: Anya's pov about how her life is turning out in some... unexpected
ways. A five minute fic that I wrote when I was bored and had nothing else
to do.
Spoilers: Minor through the third season.
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. I like to think he did it so that I
could mess with them on occasion.
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yummy.
Thanks to Tracy.

I was a human once. A long time ago. I don't remember much of it, which is
funny because I remember every single wrong I ever avenged through the power
of the wish. No, all I remember of being young and mortal was my father, who
was a tall man with dark, dark hair and light eyes. I remember the sound of
his voice, though I can't ever really be certain what his words were saying.
I remember his smile.

It *was* a long time ago, I suppose. I shouldn't be surprised.

The point is, it was really hard for me at first. Nothing was the same.
Being the Wish Demon, I had power and ruled over so many weaknesses and
strengths that it was nearly incomprehensible.

I remember one woman, as a matter of fact, who wished that every word that
her unfaithful husband said was degrading to himself, and that no one would
ever think of him again unless it was in a derogatory way. It was that kind
of power I had. I was proud of it.

But that particular story should be saved for another day.

No, this is what I've come to learn is a very popular trend in the nineties.
The keeping of a diary. I think it's supposed to make me look back on these
times with something much more than fondness. But I could be wrong. I don't
seem to be right about much lately.

Looking around at the world, I'm very glad I wished myself a background with
every persona I took on. Otherwise, I would have no money, no clothing, no
car. And I'm almost completely sure I wouldn't have Xander.

Not that he's mine. Far from it. And not that I would want him to be.

Except that that's a lie.

It's a curious thing, love. I was a mere ten years old when I was changed,
and never got to experience it. I never knew what it was about, why so many
women got so hurt when a man left her or cheated on her. I still don't know
that part, but I can imagine. I look at Xander sometimes, and think, what if
he left me? What if I had never even met him?

As much as I miss being all powerful, if I were again, I think I would miss
this more. I like being human. I like seeing myself in the mirror and being
satisfied with my appearance. I like the taste of Twinkies, which is just
the first in a long line of factory produced desserts that Xander has
introduced me to. I like the sun-- I rarely saw it as a demon, because it
hurt my eyes far too much to walk in the day. I like the light, airy feeling
of laughing. I even like rain.

These are all characteristics of the mortal world.

It's surprising, that's all.

I look around and I'm amazed at how much I've learned to love in this past
year. My soul is over a thousand years old, but my body is barely nineteen
and I like being fresh and young. I think flirting is one of the best things
on this planet, though Xander disagrees when he sees me doing it. But
there's nothing quite like the feel of meeting someone of the male gender and
knowing that all I need to do is twist my hair around my finger to have them,
if I wanted.

Which I don't. I can't seem to convince Xander of it, though I don't know
why I need to.

I've read about something like this. It's called a fear of commitment or
something. He doesn't want to be tied down to me, but apparently doesn't
want anyone else trying to tie me down either. Very annoying in the
endearing way he's perfected.

I constantly wonder if I can trust him.

I think about what brought me here, which was a blessing and a curse. I
mean, if Xander had never cheated on Cordelia with Willow, I would never have
been summoned, and I would never have gotten to experience human life. On
the other hand, if Xander does decide that he wants to be my mate (they call
them "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" now.), then how will I know that he won't
do the same to me? Perhaps with Willow. Again.

I sense something in them when they look at each other. Buffy tells me that
it's friendship, a very deep friendship. I wouldn't know, since my closest
friend *is* Xander, and we can't stand each other half of the time. I seem
to get on his nerves. And that fact gets on mine.

Anyway, Buffy says that since they've known each other for a long time, since
they were children, they have some sort of special bond. I've done a quick
spell to keep Willow and Oz close, but when I told Buffy, she laughed at me
and told me I was insecure.

Of course I was insecure! Why else would I have done that spell?

But maybe I'm overreacting. Demons tend to do that. And humans. And I
still think of myself as both.

I wonder all the time, too.

I recently went to Giles to ask him about the joys of sex. It was really
funny, though I didn't know it would be when I started. He turned a shade of
red that I've never seen before, and began stammering in another language. I
tried to follow as best I could, but I didn't know the language, so I just
waited until he was done.

It turns out it wasn't a language at all. He was just trying not to choke on
his tea.

Nevertheless, sex does make me wonder. After Giles calmed down enough for me
to explain that I had never experienced the act of love before, and wasn't,
in fact, sure of what happened during, he tried to tell me to the best of his
ability. At first, I was frightened. Then, more curious than I ever had
been before.

Then I think I felt awe. For two people to do what Giles described, to be
that close and connected and intimate is as interesting as anything I've ever
heard. The souls would tie, the bodies would merge, and Giles told me that
there's a great deal of pleasure involved also, for both parties.

So, I brought it up with Xander.

After he spit out his soda all over the table, he started laughing. (Have I
mentioned that I like his laugh?) He turned to me and took my hands across
the table as if I was a child-- a sensation that I'll admit wasn't
displeasing-- and told me that when I was ready to try it, I would always be
able to count on him to volunteer to help me. Then he started laughing
again.

Which is what I wanted, of course. I wanted him to assure me that he would
be the one to be so close to me in that way. When I asked him if he had been
with anyone, he was very honest and told me yes, though he wouldn't tell me
with whom. I asked why, but he shut up about it, which led to us having a
fight.

I also like the feel of fighting. It makes me feel vibrant; alive.

So, there are a lot of things I've experienced so far. Death and life,
laughter and tears. Fear. Lots of fear. Not sex yet, but that will come.
The electric feel of kissing him has been mine. And I think I'm just
beginning to feel the stirrings of love. They're wonderful, if anyone reads
this and wants to know.

I think loving Xander may be a mistake, but I'm willing to risk it.

Humans have a lot of flaws, I've learned.

I've decided that I like mine.

The End

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