Starting From The Middle

by: Amy

* * * * * * *

She had thought it would be a normal day. Filing for Angel, making phone
calls for Angel, maybe having a fight or two with Angel. She had expected to
make coffee for the waking vampire, do her work, and be out of there by eight
to go to the club she'd been hearing all about. Maybe she'd let Wesley take
her, since it was obvious that he had no social life. Well, he had that book
club, but what kind of a pathetic social life was that?

And then the door opened.

Cordelia closed the file drawer in Angel's office and looked up curiously.
No one had called in, no appointments had been made.

"Hello?" a voice called out. A familiar voice.

Her heart skipped a beat.

"Hello?" Very familiar.

Cordelia stood with a speed that surprised her, sending Angel's chair
crashing back against the wall, and went for the door.

"Xander?!" She rushed up to him, halting a moment before she stumbled
against his chest. "Uh, hi. What are you doing here?"

He looked at her in amusement, carefully taking her in his arms for a quick
hug. Cordelia sighed a little, and then brushed away the automatic fire that
liquefied her stomach at his touch. After a moment, he let go of her and
then paused to look her over. He lifted an eyebrow, his eyes twinkling.
"Still looking good, Cordy."

Suddenly filled with a familiar irritation, she flipped her hair back. "Was
there ever any doubt?"

"I always doubt you," he grinned. "But it's one of my most favorite things
to do, if that makes you feel any better about it."

Her sharp smile softened a bit, and she rolled her eyes. "What are you doing
here?" she repeated.

Xander let his eyes trail over her for a moment longer, and then he snapped
to his senses, hearing her question for the first time. He shrugged. "Had a
message for Angel. I was going to be in LA anyway, so Buffy asked me to drop
it by."

"What were you going to be in LA for?"

A slow smile curved up the corner of his mouth. "Thought I'd check out
some... Old friends. And maybe catch a movie. I'm in town over the summer.
I have a construction job lined up."

Cordelia nodded, amused. "You're so transparent."

"Am I?"

"Yes." She smirked. "You came to see me."

"Did I?"

"Stop doing an Oz imitation, and tell me what the message for Angel is," she
said, subconsciously moving to sit behind her desk to put some space between
them. Xander obligingly sat down across from her.

"So you really work here, then?"

"Of course I work!" she huffed. "You know, having visions isn't easy! They
*are* work! Plus I do the filing and... make coffee. And I handle the
clients. I'm the only one with the soft touch that's sometimes needed! I
work!"

He placed his hands out defensively. "Calm down, Cordy. I just meant that
we've all been sort of surprised to find out that *you* work with *Angel.*
We didn't take this for your type of gig."

"Oh." Cordelia fought back a blush, and then sighed heavily. "It's what I
know," she explained simply, her eyes refusing to meet his.

Xander lifted his head, letting her off the hook. "Got it."

"So?"

"So... What?"

"What's the message?" Her voice bordered on exasperation. "You did have one,
right?"

"Oh. Yeah." He grinned. "Just your basic heads-up. New demon coming to
town. Got away from Buffy, which really pissed her off, I might add, and
Giles thinks it's heading here. One of those drooling, slimy guys. I have
the name written down. Anyway, it's nothing that Angel hasn't handled before.
If it was, I wouldn't have given him time to get ready for it."

"Is that it?" She leaned back, feeling calmer with the desk in between them.

"Pretty much."

"So you're leaving then?"

Xander's mouth quirked, giving her that soft tingle in her stomach again. He
stood, and shook his head. "Not quite yet. I already told you, I'm looking
up an old friend."

Cordelia stared at him, and let her mouth fall open when he calmly walked out
of the office without even giving her the chance to reply.
* * * * * * *

After he had dropped the pretense and called her, Cordelia grudgingly agreed
to go out on a date with him. One date led to another, and another and
another. Weeks went by, and Cordelia realized that she was smiling for no
reason as she went about her day.

He would call her in the middle of the day, too, to see how she was.

The conversations usually consisted of, "Hey."

She would smile to herself. "Hey."

"Just wanted to see if you're still alive." She could hear the laughter in
his voice. "We have a date tonight, and I don't like being stood up."

"Still alive. No thanks to you, of course."

Xander would chuckle, "Except that I know you're staying alive just for me."

Yes, Cordelia could see that things were progressing quite nicely.

A little too nicely.

She quietly worried about what was going to happen. After all, every time
something good had happened to her in the past, especially with Xander, it
ended in heartbreak. Her heartbreak. And she didn't know if she could
afford another one.

But oh, his kisses. He made her feel as though she were the only thing that
mattered, the only thing he cared about, the only thing in his life that was
special. They spent long nights cuddled on her couch, kissing and talking.
Even Dennis learned to approve of Xander after a while.

And then one day, she knew it was time to take it to the next level.
* * * * * * *

"Xander..." Cordelia gently placed her hands on his chest and pushed,
breaking out of the kiss breathlessly. "I want to talk to you for a minute."

His eyes twinkled. "Talking is overrated."

She smirked. "Only when I get you turned on."

Xander sighed and sat back, a delicious little smile curving his mouth up.
"You get me turned on by breathing."

"The heaving bosom factor?"

His laugh was rich and warm, and he took her hand, lacing his fingers tightly
through hers. "What do you want to talk about?"

Cordelia bit her lip, breaking eye contact. Xander sobered beside her,
sensing the seriousness of whatever she was going to say. She sucked in her
breath. "I just... This has been good, these past few weeks. Us, I mean. I
think we've been good. And-- even with as much as you annoy me!-- I sort of
like having you here, you know? You feel like... You feel like home, in some
ways. I like that we've started from scratch. It feels good to... Trust
you, I guess. We... We sort of ended our relationship right in the middle of
it. Right when things were, you know, getting good. That hurt, but I think
things are getting better." Her voice grew hushed. "And, I wanted to say...
I wanted to say...."

The phone rang.

Cordelia looked up. Xander's eyes were soft, and he squeezed her hand. "You
just wanted to say...?"

Ring.

"To say...."

Ring.

"To say answer the damn phone, I'll tell you later," she finished. Xander
laughed gently and patted her knee, reaching over to pick up the phone.

"Hello?" He paused. "Willow? What's wrong?"

Cordelia's heart fell. Willow. The only girl that Cordelia had ever
admired, respected, liked, hated and was hurt because of in the same night.
The one girl Xander would do anything for. The only girl in his life who
really mattered. Her chin trembled as she saw Xander's eyes darken. His
voice faded from her ears as the buzz of tears claimed them.

She had been fooling herself.

There was no way she could compete with Willow. No way that she could share
that much love with him, no way that she could touch him in the way that
Willow had and still did. Not even if she wanted to.

Xander finally hung up the phone, and turned to her. His mouth moved as he
spoke to her, but Cordelia couldn't hear his words. Her throat ached with
repressed tears.

After a moment, Xander noticed the look on her face, and reached for her,
encircling her warmly in his arms. She shook out of his embrace, brushing
angrily at the tear that escaped and trailed down her cheek.

"What is it?" His hand reached out to touch her face, but she jerked away.
Confusion hummed in his voice. "What's wrong?"

"You should go to her, Xander," Cordelia mumbled, her words broken. "Willow
needs you, for whatever reason, and I know that you'll always need her. It's
okay. I'm not... I'm not mad anymore. We can be friends."

His hazel eyes were wide and surprised. "What...?"

She stood. "I'm sort of tired, so I think I'm going to call it a night. You
can let yourself out."

Cordelia turned and walked into her room, locking the door behind her. She
heard Xander get up and follow her, then knock softly on her bedroom door.
"Cordy? Cordy! Tell me what's..."

Cordelia turned on her radio.

After a while, the knocking stopped.
* * * * * * * *

"Damn it, Cordelia!" Angel tossed a small stack of papers at her, and they
fluttered in the air, landing in several different places around her. "Just
call him! Talk to him! I've got a business to run. Saving lives and souls
sound familiar? *You're* supposed to be the one to answer the phones."

Cordelia pursed her mouth, crumpling the messages in her hand and then
tossing them in the trash. She didn't bother looking at them. She didn't
need to. She knew who they were from. After a moment, she answered, "I have
the visions. You save the souls. Wesley should answer the phones."

Angel looked at her for a moment and then sank down into a chair across from
her. His eyes were compassionate and sad. "Why are you ignoring him?"

Cordelia looked away. "I'm not. I'm just not willing to... I'm not willing
to feel anything for him when I know that it's useless."

"Cordy."

She glanced at him, surprised. Angel had never used her nickname before.
Her voice was an uncertain whisper. "What?"

"It doesn't matter if you're willing to feel these things or not," he pointed
out gently. "The point is that you do. And you can't run from your
feelings. They follow you, no matter how far you go. No matter where you
go. As much as you might want to turn off whatever feelings you're having,
they're just going to live inside of you until you at least let them out.
Until you at least admit to them. You're not safe from them. Not anywhere."

"Not even Hell?" She arched an eyebrow.

Angel looked down, a bit bashfully, and then back up, determination flashing
in his gaze. "No. Not even Hell. You've been living up here for over a
year and you saw him and... Well, as I understand it, feel as much in love as
you had been before."

"You understand it wrong," she muttered, stiffening. "I... wasn't in love
with him before."

"Cordelia." He shook his head. "Have you ever heard the saying, 'It takes a
liar to know one'?"

"Duh."

"Well, consider me the liar that knows you." Angel stood, and then exited
into his office, his words still lingering in the room.
* * * * * * *

"Who is it??" Cordelia hit pause and took a moment to wipe her eyes. For
some reason, she always got teary when Molly Ringwald gave Judd Nelson one of
her diamond earrings.

"Angel!" came the call through the door. Cordelia sighed and walked over to
the door, opening it impatiently.

"I'm sort of in the middle of a..." Her voice trailed into a surprised
whisper. "What are you doing here?"

Xander smiled sadly. "I'm here to talk to you. And before you asked, I lied
about being Angel because I knew you didn't want to see me. Though I'm still
really not sure why."

"You know why." She turned her back on him, knowing that he was following
her, and went back over to the couch, folding her feet under herself. Xander
sat down next to her, leaning back comfortably. After a moments' silence, he
nodded to the TV, where the actors remained paused in mid-kiss.

"The Breakfast Club. Our movie," he observed.

"How do you mean?" she asked grudgingly.

"The outsider falls in love with the princess, and vice versa," he explained
easily. "I always sort of thought that they were us, in a nutshell. Except
without the daily fighting-for-your-life bit."

"Really?" she murmured, picking at a loose thread on her jeans. "I always
sort of thought that we were like Some Kind Of Wonderful."

Xander tilted his head. "How do you mean?"

"You know... The loser falls for the beautiful girl as his best friend pines
away for him." Her words were soft, halting. "And then, when he's made the
beautiful girl fall in love with him, he ends up with his best friend. And
they live happily ever after."

His voice was husky. "I never did like that movie much. What they failed to
mention is that there are some friendships that are just too good to move
past. Some friendships that would fail as anything else."

"And some wouldn't."

"Some would," he said more firmly, taking her hand. There was a beat of
silence, and then he spoke again. "So all of this... These two weeks
ignoring my phone calls and letters and flowers and everything... All of this
is because you think something is going on between me and Willow?"

"I saw the way you looked when she called here," Cordelia mumbled. "You
looked... Worried, and sad, and guilty for being with me."

"Cordelia, I was worried for her because she got into a fight with her
girlfriend. And if I looked sad, it was because she interrupted whatever it
was that you were going to say to me," Xander said with a deep sigh. "And if
I looked guilty it was because I was here, having a good time with you, while
she and Tara were..."

"Girlfriend?"

"Yeah, Tara." He waved his hand dismissively.

"Girlfriend?!?"

A smile curved his mouth. "Yes. Willow has a girlfriend. Willow and Tara,
sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. That kind of girlfriend."

"You never told me that!" Cordelia sputtered.

"I didn't?" Xander looked genuinely surprised. "Well, I probably figured
you already knew. You still talk to Willow sometimes."

"But.... But..." A tear slipped down her cheek, glistening for a moment on
her skin. "But, Xander..."

"Hey." He caught the tear on the tip of his thumb, stroking her jaw gently.
"What is it?" And edge of anger slipped into his voice. "You think love is
so easily fallen out of and into?"

"No, I just... I've been so... And I thought we had started over... Except
that we really hadn't," she sniffled. "Not the way I'd... hoped. And now..."

"Now, what?" When she remained silent, he leaned forward and pressed his
lips to hers gently. Something sparked between them, but the kiss wasn't
about passion, as most of their kisses were. It was about something deep and
soft and still undefined, something that neither of them could have predicted
would exist between them. When he pulled away, his eyes searched hers.
"Now, what?"

"Now... Now I love you, Xander." Her deep brown caught his hazel, and she
sank into his eyes, drowned the depths of them. Her words were barely a
breath. "Please don't break my heart."

His eyes remained on hers for another moment and then he crushed her tightly
in his arms, his mouth seeking hers. She tasted like tears and warmth and
summer. Her hands slipped around him, and she pressed her palms against his
back, urging him closer. His fingers crept through her hair, reveling in the
silkiness of it, as he reveled in the fact that she was in his arms, his to
keep.

And he was hers.

They broke away again, breathless, and Xander held her closely, feeling her
heart beat in time with his. "I love you too."

She smiled against his chest. "Xander?"

"Yeah?"

"Instead of starting all over again, instead of starting from the beginning,
would you mind if we didn't?" she asked quietly.

He pulled back to look at her, questions filling his eyes. "Cordelia...?"

"I just mean," she amended, touching his cheek with a lingering finger, "That
I'd much rather start from the middle."

The End



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