Summary: Xander has died, and the his friends have to deal with it in
their own ways.
Spoilers: Any and all, but nothing really specific.
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, no matter how much I wish they
were. < sigh > They belong to Joss Whedon and the WB I have to live
with borrowing them for my stories.
Rating: You watch the show, this is fine.
Thanks to Tracy and Laura, you guys rock.
Seren, I *told* you that you didn't want to read this!!! Disobeying me?
hehe
Thoughts enclosed in < >.
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by: Amy
She looked down at him and took his cold hands in her own. She was trembling. He lay there, stiff and cold, the coffin surrounding him like a prison. Cordelia squeezed his lifeless hand, the one she had always used to love holding and then burst into tears.
Pulling her away and into his embrace, Giles let her lean on him and sob. It was worse for her then anyone-- Almost anyone. He looked over the top of her head to where Willow was standing, starting dully at the box that her best friend was in.
Remembering.
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"C'mon, Wills! C'mon. Come on now! ....Please?" Xander begged, waiting for her to finish the slice of pizza she had been eating for the last ten minutes. She glared at him and he cringed, backing away from her, palms up. "Geez. What'd I do? You can be a real meanie when you eat, you know that?"
She took another tiny bite and wiped at her mouth delicately, the way her mother had taught her. Willow was going to be a lady one day. She had already decided. "You think *I'm* the meanie? First you eat almost all the ice cream, before lunch, and then you won't let me eat because you want to go catch the tadpoles. They will *be* there tomorrow, Xander!" Looking at the pathetic pout on his face, she knew she would do it eventually so she got up from the table with a sigh too old for her seven years. "Fine," she muttered. "Let's go." She gave him her meanest scowl.
Xander didn't follow her to the door, though. Stopping to look at her with a tilted head, she could tell he was confused. "Wait- no. You really don't want to leave now?"
Willow giggled. "Okay, fine, silly. We'll leave, I'm not mad about it." A giant grin took over his features. Bounding over her, he drew her into a fierce hug that promised loyalty and friendship forever. She knew then that no matter what came, she would stand by him. Always and through everything.
"You're my best friend, Willow." He whispered, squeezing her and half lifting her off the floor to impress her with his strength. She giggled again.
"You're mine, too, Xander."
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*You're my best friend, Willow....* The words echoed through her mind, and she listened to them dispassionately *You're mine, too, Xander.* Willow choked suddenly, running out of the funeral parlor to the bathroom. Throwing herself on the cold, white floor she gagged into the toilet. Her stomach retched and vomited yellow and brown things that tasted awful and smelled worse.
Sliding down, she laid on the floor, pressing her cheek to the tiles. She let a few tears slip out from under her eyelids before closing herself off. < Don't think about him. Don't think about any of it. It's not real. Please, God, don't let it be real. >
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Buffy watched Willow run from the room and tried to suspend her own tears. It didn't work. < I'm the Slayer. I should never have let him know I needed him. It's my fault. > She gazed at where the coffin was a few feet away as the wetness of her cheeks increased. He had been there for her so many times.
How was it possible that he was gone?
He had been there, part of her existence, filling her with laughter and ease. He had been larger than life. How was it that something that was larger than life was dead? Buffy shook her head, glancing down at her hands. Absently noticing that her fingernails were chewed to the quick, she tried to not think at all. But that didn't work either. She thought about him.
Remembering.
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"Ohh, I interrupt a training session," he laughed as he walked casually into the library. Xander ignored the librarian's glare. "No, keep going. This is better than almost anything. I mean, I can't do this to the girl at the ice cream parlor." With that, he scooped Buffy up from behind, lifting her as a groom does a bride. She squealed and laughed before rolling out of his arms and landing neatly on her feet.
Xander's eyebrows raised. "Of course, she can't do that, either."
Giles looked at them warily and took his leave, muttering something about ice for his shoulder. Buffy looked at his retreating back and then smiled at Xander impishly.
"You think I'm too hard on him?" Xander grinned and Buffy's words and leaned against the desk.
"No, not at all... Actually yes. Yes, way too hard. I think you should give the old guy a break and start training with someone younger, more able to handle your quickness and strength. Someone who has a thing for whips and chains," he added, smirking.
Buffy laughed. "Well, if you really think Oz is up to it."
Xander tightened his lips in a mock scowl which made Buffy burst into giggles. After laughing for a few moments, she looked at him seriously. "Xander, I want to say thanks. I mean, you know these last few months have been horrible for me, with Angel losing his soul...." Her voice trailed off softly and she looked at the floor. Regaining herself, she looked back up and met his eyes. "Anyway, I'm glad I have a friend like you. You've made me laugh and forget when all I could really feel was the-- the pain of it all. So, thanks."
Xander's throat worked. He seemed to be considering words, and for a split second, she wondered if he was going to hound on Angel again. She didn't want to upset Xander. But he didn't. Instead, he locked eyes with her squarely and nodded, his adam's apple bobbing up and down. What he said seemed to revertabrate throughout the room, despite his quiet tone.
"Anytime."
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A constant stream of tears flowed down Buffy's face. *Anytime.* The word bounded through her mind. She squeezed her eyes shut at the pain that accompanied it. *Anytime...* There were no more anytimes. No more talking to Xander about nothing, no more hearing his laugh and seeing his infectious smile. No more of any of the things that mattered.
Buffy sank down into a nearby chair and wept for the person she had once loved with the pure bond of friendship. She wept for him, and didn't know how she was going to get through the rest of the night.
< This can't be possible... >
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Giles's eyes were glazed over with pain and grief. Cordelia remained in his arms, her tears never stopping, her trembles never subsiding. He held onto her and stroked her back soothingly, whispering words that he hoped were comforting. But it's hard to comfort when your own heart is broken.
Xander was the son that he never had. < The one I wanted to raise and be proud of. I was so proud of you, Xander. Did you know that? > Giles fought a losing fight against crying. Holding Cordelia was the only thing that kept him from breaking down. They were all depending on him.
He looked at the casket, at Xander's face which was deathly white and at the unmistakable vampire bite at his neck. His heart clenched with an ache that he knew would be familiar when he thought of the boy. He stared at Xander's slack face.
Remembering.
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Everyone had gone home for the night. Xander gathered his things slowly, like he didn't want to leave. Giles raised his eyebrows. He thought the last thing Xander wanted to do was research. He thought they all would be relieved to finally get out of the library.
"Xander? Is everything all right with you?"
Xander looked up at him with hazel eyes that glittered. Giles was taken aback. Xander sat heavily in a chair and placed his arms over his backpack, letting his head fall. Hiding his tears. "Yeah, I guess. I'm fine."
Giles sat down next to him. "No, you're not. Tell me what's wrong, Xander." His voice was gentle, gentler than Xander had ever heard him, and he looked up, surprised. Giles noted with alarm that tears were already beginning to leak out of the corners of his eyes. He touched the boy's hand softly. "Tell me."
Xander sighed deeply, grinding away the tears with his fists like a little boy. "Oh, it's nothing, really. My old man has been giving me a hard time whenever I'm home. But don't worry about it. I mean, thanks for asking, but you don't have to think I'm being abused or anything."
Giles posed a soft question. "Aren't you?"
Xander broke. Sobbing noisily, he put his head on top of his arms. Giles found that he suddenly couldn't speak, with the tears that were threatening to fall from his own eyes. Letting the boy cry, he placed a calm, warm hand on his shoulder. Xander flinched and then relaxed. Giles wiped his eyes at the unconscious act of distrust.
Finally, Xander looked up with a grateful face. "Thanks, Giles. I'm- I'm okay now. Id better go. He's probably passed out by now." Xander stood, sniffing back more tears.
"Well, then, if he's probably passed out," Giles pointed out calmly, "I'm sure he wouldn't mind you staying at my house tonight. There are a couple of things I could use help with looking over, and I have a comfortable guest room." Xander's eyes widened.
"Yeah, thanks." The two words were so grateful that Giles made a mental note to have a *talk* with Mr. Harris. Put enough fear in a man, he'll lose all his nerve.
"Of course. In fact, feel free to do it anytime. I can always use the help."
Xander smiled.
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Xander's smiles had always been things that could light up the world. Giles sighed deeply, letting his tears fall on Cordelia's hair. < Crying is something I must do, > he acknowledged, < If I ever hope to get over this loss. >
< The loss of my son. >
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The funeral home was dark and quiet. All people attending Alexander Harris's funeral had left hours ago. Only four remained. Willow, Cordelia, Buffy and Giles stood in a row in front of his coffin.
"I can't do this, Giles." Buffy's voice pleaded with him, tugging on his heart.
"I don't know if I can, either." She looked at him, shocked. Of all people, she had thought that he would give her a lecture on the rights and wrongs involved. She had depended on it. Knowing he was weak, she got weaker.
But she understood.
Willow spoke up, tears still evident in her voice. "You have to, Buffy. You have to."
Cordelia said nothing.
Moments later, what was once Xander Harris burst out of the coffin, growling angrily. Vampire features distorted his face and Buffy stumbled back, her will strangely gone. Xander looked at them, stopping. After a moment's consideration, he reverted his face back to normal and smiled at them.
"Hey, guys! I don't know what happened...." His voice was normal and relaxed. Looking down at himself, he frowned. "Oh, my God. I'm a vampire?! Oh, no..." Tears welled up in his eyes, and though his performance of having a soul wasn't very good, Buffy felt her hand reach out to him. Giles blocked her, but didn't move forward to strike.
Xander smirked. "Okay, that didn't work. Oh well." He laughed grimly and leapt forward, on top of Buffy. "You know, this position seems familiar." Buffy didn't move. Her will to live was slipping rapidly.
Xander leaned down to her neck. As his face changed and his fangs touched her skin, Buffy found herself covered in dust. She looked up.
Cordelia held a stake and she looked down at Buffy with hard eyes. In a voice no one recognized, she spoke. "It wasn't him."
Dropping the stake, she sank to the floor. She gazed at the coffin sadly, but with dry eyes.
Remembering.
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"Cordy, you know, I can't understand why I put up with you," Xander shot in a teasing way. She waved her hand breezily, in a queenly gesture.
"Maybe that's because you don't. *I* put up with *you.*"" Xander laughed at that, and Cordelia felt a smile lift her face. Only Xander was able to laugh when she was insulting him. Only Xander was able to understand that she wasn't really serious. < That's why I love him. >
Xander looked at her, startled. "What??"
Cordelia blushed, realizing that she had spoken her last thought out loud. "Um... ah, nothing." She looked at him questioningly. "...Much. Why?"
He chuckled, softly and warmly, and took her hand. "Because I've been trying to find the right way to say that to you." Cordelia shook her head but grinned.
"I love you, Xander," she whispered.
"I love you, too, Cordy," he whispered back. "Why are we whispering?"
Cordelia laughed loudly and threw her head back. "I love you, Xander!!!!!" Her shout carried over the empty hilltop where they were picnicking. Lowering her voice she looked deeply into his eyes. "I love you."
He seemed moved, and though his jaw worked, no sound came out. Leaning forward, he brushed his lips with her own in a fiercely sweet kiss. Her hands fluttered to his face and she stroked his cheeks softly, feeling him smile against her mouth. Smiling back and letting the kiss grow more intimate, her heart thumped behind her ribcage. This man loved her!
He lowered her down against the blanket spread on the ground, his kisses intoxicating and warm. A whispered, "I'm so glad you love me," was issued from his lips, and after that, Cordelia forgot about words.
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Tears began again as she stared blankly at her friends. They were all crying, too, having listened to her relate that day to them. Willow ran over to Cordelia and hugged her tightly. Buffy and Giles held onto each other, watching the two people who had loved him most sob together.
Words floated through Buffy's mind as she watched them.
< Once there was a boy named Xander.... Once we knew him.
And we were all better for it. >
The End