Summary: Someone gets what's coming to him.
Spoilers: Through the third season, non-specific.
Disclaimer: Wish that they were mine, but alas, they are not.
Rating: PG
Author's note: I'd like to apologize upfront about the following. If you
are allergic to pure cheese, you may want to skip this. I was in a silly
mood, and this came pouring out. < g > But can any of you really deny
that he deserves less? ...Not that I would actually *do* this, mind you.
I'm babbling now. For my friends, kittens, and the rest of the people
who have told me on more than one occasion that this person needs a good
whipping. (Can't give anything away. :))
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The Rebellion was a 1999 Golden Frog Awards nominee for the category of Best Comedy/Parody.
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by:Amy
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Tracy turned to Laura, Amy and Karen and winked. She held on tightly to the railing outside of the building. "Any time now," she whispered, her voice barely audible over the crickets. "Very soon."
Laura stifled a laugh, her eyes gleaming with expectation. Tracy, Amy and Laura crouched down low into the bushes and looked up to the light shining outside the window. Karen stayed up, poised with her toy spork, and Tracy let loose a sound akin to a growl and yanked her down. She fell into the bush with nothing more than a soft rustle.
"Hey!" She whispered furiously.
"Sorry," Tracy told her, unruffled and completely unrepentant. "But if you'd have stayed up there like a maniac, he would have seen you!"
Karen glared at Amy and Laura who were giggling softly. "Maniac," Laura mumbled, sending herself and Amy back into quiet peals of laughter. Tracy smirked at an indignant Karen. Karen raised her spork up threateningly.
"Maniac maniac maniac," Amy sang softly. Karen's eyes glinted with murderous rage in the dark night.
"Hey," Tracy said suddenly. "Let's not fight, okay? At least not with each other. Let's save it for...." She trailed off, glanced up.
Laura spoke, her tone the deadly and ominous. "Let's save it for *him.*" Karen and Amy looked up too, to the light in the window.
It suddenly clicked off, and there was darkness.
A hush settled.
"Are we ready?" Amy suddenly sounded nervous, and Laura patted her hand as Tracy and Karen flashed her smiles.
"We're ready." Karen's voice was confident and Amy breathed a sigh of relief, feeling much better. The door opened and out stepped the man they had been stalking. Without regard to the plan, and wielding a wicked spork, Karen jumped forward, chanting the Xena cry.
The mouths of the others dropped open in shock simultaneously as Karen single-handedly knocked the man out with a strong back-hand to the jaw. The man slid bonelessly to the ground.
"Great, Karen," Laura said sarcastically. "You were the only one who got to hit him."
Tracy and Amy heaved a sigh as they managed to lift him and carry them to the getaway vehicle. Almost as an afterthought, Laura grabbed his briefcase and gave a triumphant yell when she peeked inside and saw his laptop.
She exchanged evil smiles with Karen and they ran to catch up.
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The light in his eyes hurt. He woke up slowly, not recognizing his surroundings. His head pounded and he finally blinked before looking up to see four very angry and seemingly homicidal females in front of him.
His body jolted, and he realized that he was tied securely to a chair. He groaned, hesitantly looking back up at the women who were glaring at him. "Um, why am I here?"
Tracy looked around to her friends. "I'll field this one," she volunteered. "Because you've been bad. Because you've been a bad, bad man, Joss, and you must suffer."
"We're happily making that our only goal!" Amy put in. "Because of what you did to Buffy and Angel."
Karen spoke up. "Because of what you did with Willow and Xander, and how you hurt Oz." She shivered delicately.
"Because you made me like Cordelia and then took her away from Xander! And because you teased us with that whole Willow/Xander thing and *should* be punished," Tracy supplied.
Laura's voice was low and furious. "Because you hit Giles way too much." She looked around wildly, and then continued. "You're bad! Giles doesn't need to be knocked out so much. And Willow... Why did you let Faith hit her?"
Karen brandished her spork and took careful aim at him, grinning. His eyes went wide with terror.
"I wanted to do this," she informed him casually, "but they wouldn't let me. And now that I know the full plan, I have to say that I agree with them. This is going to be a lot more fun."
Tracy pointed to his laptop, which was turned on and laying harmlessly on the table beside him. "We're going to fix every wrong you've ever done."
Amy giggled insanely. "I'm going to make Angel human."
"I'm going to put Willow and Giles together," Laura said.
Karen turned blazing eyes on her. "Willow and Oz."
"Willow and Xander," Tracy argued.
Karen shook her head. "Willow and Oz."
"Willow and Giles!"
"Xander!"
"Oz!"
"Gals, gals! We're letting our own emotions get in the way of what's best for her. We need to do what we planned and make it right," Amy broke in.
They looked sheepish, but smiled and walked obediently over to the laptop. Amy pretended not to notice the spork that was still clenched tightly in Karen's hand.
They all sat in a half-circle around the computer and Tracy experimentally tapped out a key. Joss looked on, stricken with fear.
"Be careful what you write," he cried desperately. "It's not... Safe."
The girls smiled at each other as Tracy tapped on another key. "Power. I can feel it." Suddenly her hands flew over the letters, and she hit "enter." The rest of them held their breath in unison as they leaned forward to read what she had written.
One line. Two words.
"Willow enters."
There was a collective gasp as Willow appeared right in front of them. Joss choked on his own shocked breath and Willow smiled a little gently at him. "It's okay," she whispered to him as she walked past him to the girls. "I'll make sure they don't hurt you."
He missed the "Too much." that was issued from her lips.
Willow reached the cluster of females that stood in awe of her as she approached. Tracy finally broke the silence with a hushed "Wow." Willow grinned and dipped low in a bow.
"You summoned?"
Karen's eyes were wide and she gestured frantically to the laptop. "GetOzgetOzgetOz!"
Laura licked her lips. "Not yet. I mean, I want Giles, but *Willow* is here. Lets just... bask in her glory for a moment."
They all glowed as Willow smiled and Joss rolled his eyes. "Hey!" he called out. "What about me?"
Tracy spared him a single glance before looking back at Willow. She leaned in. "What do *you* want us to do with him? What do *you* suggest?"
They noticed the panicked look that spread over Joss's face and shared smiles. Willow turned to Tracy again. "Make me all-powerful."
The group of women grinned and Tracy typed it up. Willow stumbled for a moment as the power hit her and then she grinned and snapped her fingers. Joss's chair tumbled to the floor. "Ohh, I like this."
She walked in brisk strides over to her creator. "You know, I'm very grateful that you made me." He looked up at her hopefully and she crouched down next to him. "But not so grateful to what you've done to me over the last few years."
"B-But," he defended weakly, "I helped you grow up! I got you interested in witchcraft. I--"
She cut him off. "Made me fall in love with my best friend, made me suffer through years of disappointments, and then when I found someone to love me, made me weak and made me mess everything up by actually *kissing* my best friend?" She ticked off the occurrences on her fingers. "Made me feel strongly for more than one guy. How fair is that, Joss? Made my double molest me more than once. You made my best friend not be able to be happy, and look at these four!" She gestured behind her to where the four girls waited in respectful silence.
"They're all basket cases most of the time because of what you put them through. Go on, take a look!" Joss squeezed his eyes shut, praying for the nightmare to end, but Willow snapped her fingers again and his eyes opened and focused on the maniacal fans that stood a mere ten feet away.
His voice was raspy. "What do you want me to do?"
Willow thought a moment and then waved her hands in the air. Instantly, the whole group was there, looking confused and stunned.
As their eyes settled on Joss, they each began to smile slowly at the promise that lay before them. Karen ran over and began an affectionate attack on Oz, as Laura did the same with Giles and Tracy headed over to Xander. Amy looked at Buffy fearfully for a second before shrugging and running into Angel's arms. Buffy rolled her eyes and walked over to Willow.
"This is gonna be so much fun."
As the different men were involved with their obsessees, Willow and Buffy spoke quietly. Joss caught a few words in and out of their conversation.
"mumble ...well, if he stays tied up...."
"Yeah," Buffy interrupted devilishly, "mumblemumble, and then they could just mumble...."
"...and... him alone... mumble..."
Buffy pouted. "What, no...mumble torture of...whisper... or anything?"
Tracy, Laura, Karen and Amy finally pulled their eyes away from the men and glanced at where Buffy and Willow stood. The two girls were whispering conspiratorially and looking down at Joss. They finally nodded decisively and grinned.
"What?" Giles spoke up. "Have you two come to a decision yet?"
"Yeah, we're going to keep him like this. No torture with fear for the Jossman." Buffy smirked slyly.
"And that's it?!" Angel exploded. Amy leaned against him to calm him of his wrath, but he just squeezed her hand and went on. "Hey, I can't make love without thousands ending up dead here. I don't like living this way."
"And I'm kind of missing looking at the full moon," Oz supplied.
"He murdered the woman he made me fall in love with," came from Giles.
"My girlfriend won't talk to me anymore!" Xander shouted.
Joss was trembling.
Willow shook her head. "We're not going to torture him. We think that would be ungrateful for him creating us and all. But we're certainly not going to let him run loose anymore."
"What are you going to do?" Amy asked.
"Keep him tied up. I mean, without Joss, no matter how mean, we'll disappear. But he doesn't get to run the show anymore," Buffy explained. "You guys do."
Tracy looked shocked. "Us?"
"Yep," Willow confirmed brightly. "You. We like you much better. Amy thinks Angel and Buffy belong together. She'll get to run that. Karen will have full sway over the things that happen in the Oz department, and Laura with Giles." She addressed Laura and Karen. "Feel free to write yourselves in every once in a while. Tracy handles all the Xander stuff. And you guys can all do whatever you want with me, because I have total faith that none of you are going to let me be upset or sad or anything. Give me one man or write me with all of them occasionally, as long as no one gets all hurt. As for Cordelia... Well, most of you like her now, so that's okay, too. Just give us the happy lives that *he,*" she jerked her head to where Joss still lay, "never would. People will still watch if we're idyllic, right?"
"Right!" The women chimed together.
"Great!" Willow exclaimed. "Then it's all settled. Joss, I want you to know that there are no hard feelings," she supplied thoughtfully after a pause. "Well, yes there are, but after a while there won't be."
"Um..." Laura spoke hesitantly, and Willow and Buffy looked at her. "Can we... you know, keep the men for a little while?"
Vigorous nodding ensued, as well as chants of "Please?" and "Yes!" and "That's what I was going to ask!"
Willow and Buffy looked unsure, but Karen quickly said, "We just like them, that's all!" She rubbed Oz's chest fondly.
Finally they nodded and disappeared with a snap of Willow's fingers.
Amy sighed and pulled out of Angel's arms to walk over and lift up Joss's chair to an upright position. "Consider yourself lucky," she told him. "We mostly are keeping you here because we like the personas you made."
He rolled his eyes and huffed, but by that time she was heading back over the the vampire. The whole group sat down around the computer again, and thought contemplatively. After a few minutes of silence, they each began to call out new ideas for wonderful and happy new episodes.
"Great," Joss muttered to himself. "This is just great."
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And this is how the Buffyverse became a happy place to live, with nothing but smiles and the occasional vampire slaying to keep the show running in full bloom. The characters flourished in their new environment, and even Joyce became a likable person. Though Snyder didn't change much.
But still, they lived happily ever after.
The End