Summary: Buffy's pov in the last few minutes of
IWRY.
Spoilers: IWRY.
Disclaimer: Joss, or as I like to call him, THE EVIL ONE!!!!, owns Buffy
and
Angel. He uses them to break my heart over and over again, even though I
know I should just wise up and not let him do that to me. Nevertheless,
these are his characters, and I hope he doesn't think I'm trying to steal
them, or he may do something even *more* painful to me than what he did
tonight.
Rating: PG13
Feedback: It's appreciated. Very appreciated. Especially since I'm in a
depression now. (I have no qualms about guilting you people into giving me
feedback. <g>)
Author's note: This isn't beta-d. It's basically me venting my angst into
a
story. And finding a way to bring a *little, teeny* bit of happiness into
the ending that rocked my world. (And not in the wonderful way endings
sometimes do.) I wanted to send it out anyway. Sorry if there are a bunch
of mistakes. <sniffle> Here, I'll stop talking now, and let you read.
by:
Amy
* * * * * * *
I looked at him, silently pleading for him to take
it back, take everything
he had just said back. It hurt too much to even think... But he even
continued, not stopping until his point was made; his devastating, terrifying
point. "How can we be together when the cost is your life? Or the lives of
others?"
I stared at him and let go of some of my tears. I felt them tracking hotly
down my cheeks. He gazed back at me, and then I saw his eyes soften
regretfully, mournfully. He stepped forward, pulling me into his arms. I
buried my face against his chest, smelling his Angel smell, inhaling the
scent of him for the last time in what very well could be forever.
"I know," he whispered, stroking my hair. "I... I couldn't tell you. I
wasn't sure I could do it if I woke up with you one more morning."
"I understand," I whimpered. And I did. I understood everything that he was
saying, and deep down I knew that he was right. But that didn't mean that
I
could accept it, not on any level. As sensible as Angel was being, it made
no sense to me whatsoever. Not after what had happened between us, what we
had finally been able to achieve. I looked up at him. "So... What happens
now?"
He wiped away my tears, and I closed my eyes at the feel of his fingers on
my
skin. "The Oracles are giving us back the day. Turning back time so I can
kill Mohra before his blood makes me mortal," he explained gently.
"When?"
He looked behind me, at the clock. "Another minute."
"Minute?" I said frantically. "No. No, it's not enough time!" I tried not
to cry, tried to be the brave Buffy that everyone knows me to be, but Angel
was going to see through that-- he always could-- so I let myself be the
scared Buffy that I was. I don't know how many times a heart is allowed to
break in one lifetime. I think I've exceeded my quota.
"We don't have a choice," he said in a low, pained voice. "It's done."
I shook my head, denying it. Maybe there was a possibility that it was all
wrong, that everything was wrong, that he was... "How am I supposed to go
on
with my life knowing what we had, what we could've had?" I cried.
"Shh," he whispered. "You won't. No one will know but me."
"Everything we did..."
He shook his head, trying to erase it so that-- I'm sure, because that's
what
I was feeling to-- it wouldn't hurt so much. "It never happened."
"It did!" I insisted. "It did; I know it did!"
I pulled back from him for a moment, looking at his chest. My hand drifted
up and my palm settled there, and I could feel the beauty of his heart
beating under the warmth of his skin and sweater. I rubbed it gently,
wanting to savor that moment. The tears were coming faster; I couldn't stop
them. "I felt your heart beat."
"Buffy..." he said hoarsely.
Our eyes caught and held, and I saw the secrets of his soul as he took me
back tightly in his arms. We kissed for a long moment, our lips and tongues
and breath mingling until we were as close, as special, as much one person
as
we could be. Our souls collided brutally, and I felt my heart tearing apart
the place that I had reserved just for Angel. Finally the kiss ended, and
I
turned around to look at the clock. Seven seconds... Only seven seconds.
"Oh, God!" I sobbed. "It's not enough time!"
"Shh... Shh.... Please. Please," he whispered. I saw the tears streaking
down his own face right before he took me in his arms, holding me closer
than
I might have thought possible. I shook my head against his neck.
"I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget," I said quickly,
hoping that maybe if I said it enough, maybe if I chanted hard enough or
wished hard enough, that I wouldn't have to forget or remember everything.
That these whole last few minutes would be a lie, and Angel would be with
me
forever. "I'll never forget. I'll never forget."
He kissed my shoulder once, soundly, and then the next thing I knew, I was
standing in front of him again, the same way I had been the day before. My
arms were empty of him... I couldn't even smell him anymore. My heart felt
dull. I let my mouth wander over the sentence that it was supposed to
finish.
"So. Then let's just stick to the plan. Keep our distance, until a lot of
time has passed. Given enough time, we should be able to..." I trailed off.
"Forget," he finished, right on cue.
I stared at him, wishing for everything that we had had for that single day,
and knowing at the same time that it would never be mine again. I remembered
the way his touch felt on my skin, and the way his mouth and skin tasted,
and
the way he had smiled at me. I don't know how I remembered, but I did.
And I knew intuitively that it would be better if I didn't let him know
that.
I wanted to be back in his arms, like the way I was the previous night
(tomorrow?), touching him, being held by him... Something so intimate. With
Parker, it was nice. With Angel... It was everything anyone could ever dream
of. Sex with love is so much more.
I already missed the feel of his hands on me, the way he nuzzled the back
of
my neck, the way his arms made me feel nicely crushed in his hug, the way
he
smiled so openly. And it had only been a matter of hours... If you were one
of the two people who knew that it had happened at all.
His laugh. I would miss his laugh, too.
Finally, my voice worked again. "Yeah," I agreed softly. "So... I'm gonna
go... Start forgetting." I turned to leave the room.
The crash of the window spun me around intuitively. Mohra leapt in and Angel
picked up a book from his desk, ducking under a kick that Mohra threw. When
there was a chance, Angel stepped forward, slamming the book into the
jewel-thingie on the demon's forehead. Mohra looked at us and then
dissipated into the bright, shimmering light that he had the last time we
slayed him.
I stepped closer to Angel. "That was unreal. How did you know how to kill
it?"
"It's a Mohra demon," he said. I looked at him, wanting him to say
something, anything, about our time together and how special it was... How
he
would never forget. But instead he continued with, "I've had a lot of time
to catch up on my reading."
I nodded slowly. The words hurt, sticking in my throat. "Yeah. Okay. So I
guess we've covered it, right?"
"We did," he confirmed.
My nod was tight this time; I was having trouble holding back tears. "Then
that's all there really is to say."
Again I wanted him to deny it, but when I saw him look down at the broken
clock, look down at the time that had taken our future away, I knew he wasn't
going to. So I turned and opened the door, walking away. His last word
followed me. "Yeah."
As soon as I was out of his office, I started running. I clattered down the
stairs, through the hallway, and out into the sunlight. Then I stopped,
panting, and let the sun dry my tears, even as I continued to weep. I held
my stomach and sunk onto the concrete, crying like I hadn't since the night
I
killed him, almost two years ago. I hadn't hurt this badly since, knowing
what was mine, what was in the palm of my hand, and what I couldn't have
back.
I could feel Angel's eyes on my back, and I wondered if he knew that I was
thinking, and remembering. He was looking down, out of his window, and
seeing me crying. I could feel his pull to me, and wished for everything
that he could come into he sunlight and hold me again, but it wasn't
possible.
Slowly, I stood.
I wiped away my tears and squared my shoulders. I started walking away from
him.
The memories in my mind were beautiful, though they weren't ever going to
be
enough. Not after I had experienced what enough was.
But the memories would have to be.
The End
It's daybreak
And you are asleep
I can hear you breathe now
Your breath is deep
But before I go
I look at you one last time
I can hear a heartbeat
Is it yours or is it mine?
I look at your lips
I know how soft they can be
Did they know what they wanted
The times they kissed me?
And your hands
That I held in mine
Now they're reposing on the pillow
Will they ever miss me sometime?
I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
And that is all that I can do
But I'll remember
Your eyes
That always make me shiver
Now they are closed
They just sometimes twitch a little
And your body
I could hold for an hour
It sent me to Heaven
With its heat and power
I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
And that is all that I can do
But I'll remember
"I'll Remember You"-- Sophie Zelmani