Summary: Giles deals with some feelings in his
life... (Could she *be* more
Ivague?)
Spoilers: Minor through "Wild At Heart." ....Or at least what I've heard
is
going to happen in WAH. If you don't want to be spoiled at all for that
upcoming episode, don't read.
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. I like to think that he did it so
that I could mess with them on occasion.
Rating: PG13
Feedback: It's yummy.
Laura asked me for a fic, so I wrote this for her.
lot of people off to the nature of it.
Thanks to Mel for beta-ing.
by:
Amy
* * * * *
I'm perfectly aware that I do these things on purpose,
no matter how
unethical they may be. Tonight, it was researching a demon that, almost
definitely, won't be in Sunnydale in the next hundred years.
But I told her that I thought it was needed, in case. And, being the person
she is, she came to my house to help me.
I work her so hard that sometimes I'm surprised that she doesn't just tell
me
that she can't make it, that she's doing something that's important with
Oz
or Buffy or Xander, or even that she's too tired of falling asleep in my
cold
little apartment. I wouldn't blame her for feeling that way. I would miss
her, yes, but I would never blame her for wanting the kind of life that
normal teenagers have.
This terrible infatuation of mine started when she was a mere sixteen. Oh,
I
tried never to encourage it then, but since it continued to occur, I would
allow myself the lingering stare of her sleeping face.
The first time I saw Willow asleep, she had been awake all night, researching
for a scare of Taraka assassins that were after Buffy. I came out of my
office and found her tousled red hair fanning the keyboard where her cheek
also rested. I don't know how long I watched her for that morning before
it
was necessary to wake her up. Perhaps it's best that I don't think about
that right now.
Then, sometimes late into the night when I would walk in the library to take
over my shift with Oz. She would be fast asleep, murmuring something about
Oz, Xander, or Buffy, and I would try to withhold my smile of affection,
because it had no place between Willow and I. But every time, the smile
would break through just as she woke up, and every time I would have to
pretend that I hadn't been gazing at her like a lovelorn teenager, and had
instead been simply sitting next to her and watching Oz, waiting for her
to
wake up so that she could go home.
It's almost as if I, and not Buffy, am the one with the secret identity.
I
keep so many things from them that even I find it frightening.
* * * * * *
After the school exploded, I began planning ways that I could see her
sleeping. A meeting here or there that would run a little too long, a magic
tutoring session that, for me, wasn't really about magic at all. Sometimes
I
would simply invite her over to my apartment to talk about the quieter things
in life, that don't include Slaying or black magic or demons of any sort.
She calls it "needed downtime."
I call it a date.
Or I would, under normal circumstances. But these aren't, and that's rather
obvious. She thinks that we're friends, nothing more, who have enough
interests in common to talk about them over supper. I think that we're
friends, too, yes. But I also know that I'm falling in love with this young
woman, this girl who is more than half my age, with intensely green eyes
and
the most open smile on the Earth.
I stopped lying to myself about that a while ago. It got too hard to tell
myself that she was only falling asleep in my home because she was tired
and
we had worked hard, rather than she was there because I had planned to keep
her up so late that she wouldn't have a choice other than to stay at this
old
man's house.
It's my double-edged sword. I'm never without one in my life. When I was
young, it was follow destiny, and possibly be blessed or break the rules
and
live in freedom. When I first met Buffy it was watch over her but don't care
and never get hurt, but never feel anything either, or watch over her and
care deeply, with the stipulation that I would most likely be in pain by
the
end of her life. Now it's, do I let her live her own life and recede into
my
shell where I have no possibility of getting hurt, but I'm also the lonely
man I never saw myself to be, or let her come over and sleep on occasion
and
thus keep her in a cage she isn't aware of, hurting her and myself by not
being honest or fair. Or, I could tell her what my feelings are and risk
that pain of rejection and the discomfort of awkwardness.
A triple-edged sword, then.
* * * * * *
A few nights ago, she came to me because she was having trouble sleeping.
I
knew why; it was my fault. Going against everything I had ever learned to
be
kind, I had woven a spell over her that she would feel the need to sleep
close to me.
I was able to live with myself for four days, but not anymore. It's just
too
unscrupulous. I love her, yes. I love her dearly, and pray for and think
of
her every single night of my existence. But I'm trapping her like this. She
doesn't love me. And as much pleasure as I get out of watching her in a
state of relaxed and innocent slumber, it's not my place to get pleasure
from
that. That's not an honor that was ever rightfully mine. It's something
that I've taken from her, and from Oz I suppose, because seeing her furthered
my belief in the good of humanity, and the possibilities of love.
So tonight, when she comes to find out if I've found something that will
cure
her insomnia at home, I will tell her that no, I haven't. And I will give
myself a single night to say goodbye to this fantasy I've had for far too
long.
* * * * * *
"Giles?" Willow walked in without knocking, using the key I've given her.
I
smiled as I glanced up from my book and gestured to the seat across from
me.
"Hello, Willow. How are things?" I tried to make my voice as light as
possible, but it came out rather heavy and sad. Willow shook her head as
she
sank into the chair, and looked away from me. I sat up, feeling like a
scoundrel. "Willow... about your sleeping problem....."
"Oz is leaving me," she mumbled heavily, her eyes rapidly filling with
tears.
My mouth opened, but at first no sounds came out. "Excuse me?" I finally
asked.
"He's met another werewolf. Veruca. Little bitch," she hissed, wiping at
her eyes. Then her shoulders sagged. "I don't mean that. I've done worse
to Oz. He deserves to find out about his family... well, his sort-of family.
And it's not like I haven't had the wandering eye in the past."
"Willow." I tried to keep my voice as gentle as possible. I touched her
hand. "Your past indiscretions were forgiven by him, or so he said. You
shouldn't blame yourself by the things you've done a long time ago."
She shook her head, her small hand clasping mine. "Not Xander."
"Not Xander?" I parroted, surprised.
Her breaths began coming out in gasps, and she clutched her chest. "Oh, god,
Giles... This hurts so much. I've loved him for a long time. Ever since I
found out he was a werewolf. I loved him. Or maybe it was when he told me
that he would wait for me to get over Xander that I fell for him. I don't
know. But it hurts now," she said, her voice growing softer with each word
until she was speaking barely above a whisper.
"And," she continued miserably, "I just want to sleep."
"Yes, dear, come," I murmured, knowing that now was no time for confessions
or lies. I lifted her in my arms easily and carried her up to my bedroom.
Lowering her onto the bed, I was surprised again when she continued clinging
to my shirt as she sniffled.
"Giles..." It was almost a whimper, and my heart broke for her. "Stay with
me? Please? I know you might think it's.. Weird... but...."
I shook my head, quieting her. "No, love, it's not. I'll stay. Anything."
She nodded and let out a trembling breath, looking at me with red eyes. I
stretched out uncomfortably next to her, unsure of how I was supposed to
be
positioned-- it was a very uncertain situation for me, you see-- until she
slipped her arm across my waist and rested her head against my chest, closing
her eyes. At length, I relaxed; sliding an arm underneath her to hold her
more comfortably, and letting myself drift into sleep with the woman I loved
for the first and only time.
Watching her sleep was one thing. Being a part of the dream was another
entirely.
* * * * * *
I woke in the morning, a mere minute before she did, and chose to take that
time to watch her as she slept. As I always watch. As is my job to do.
But not with her.
At last, she wiggled against me and her eyes fluttered open, that stunning
green piercing my heart. She smiled slowly, almost sadly, and turned her
head as she yawned.
"Giles? Thank you for letting me sleep here."
"Of course, Willow." I still didn't release her from my arms, but she didn't
make a move to be released either, so I assumed that she was comfortable
and
not inclined to be somewhere else. What I should have done was gotten up
and
stood, somewhere preferably away from her, but I didn't, for holding her
that
closely was too pleasant a sensation to give up so soon.
I thought for a moment about telling her the truth, but dismissed the idea
as
quickly as it came to me. I would just break the spell tonight when I she
was gone, and let her live her own life away from me. I had gotten more than
I had wished for, so it wasn't necessary anymore to keep her under the whim
of magick. Not that it ever was.
Her hand touched my cheek tenderly, and I wondered if I had been talking
aloud. She smiled. "What spell?"
Damn.
The moment was filled with tension for me, yet she remained calm and smiling
affectionately.
"I... Placed a spell over you. I suppose I've gotten used to having you
here, and I couldn't sleep very well without you near, and I placed a spell
over you that would make you want to fall asleep near me." I swallowed, the
words coming very hard to speak. "This is, quite probably, the worst thing
that I've ever done in my life, Willow. Please accept my apologies."
"Giles, there was no spell," she smiled.
"Pardon?"
"Well, there was... But I've protected myself against magicks being used
on
me, so the minute you cast it, I knew that you had and I found out what you
had done. I haven't been coming over here because of a spell," she explained
softly.
I didn't know what to make of it. "Pardon?"
She sighed. "Giles, when I said that I've betrayed Oz? And not with
Xander?"
"Yes...?" My heart began beating rapidly, and my breath became shallow. The
hope was almost too painful, as was the look of innocence and trust on her
face.
"It was with you. Giles... I think..."
She shook her head, her words falling silent between us, and pulled my head
down, kissing me firmly. What began as a declaration of some sort soon
became simple passion, her lips working frantically against mine, my tongue
seeking hers, her arms wrapping tightly around me as we kissed.
I was suddenly very aware that we were still lying-- rolling around-- on
my
bed.
I stopped the kiss quickly, pulling away from her.
"Willow, is this what you want?" I asked gently, trying to catch my breath.
She leaned up and kissed me again, softer this time, with a slower, more
seductive tone to the sensation. Her mouth played with mine, she nipped at
my lips, her tongue lashed playfully with my own. I held her tightly, not
wanting to let go.
"This is what I've wanted for too long to admit," she whispered, ending the
kiss.
"Then..." I paused, brushing her silken hair back from her face. "Let's take
this slowly, all right?" I smiled. "More slowly than I took it when I tried
to lure you to me with magick."
She nodded, her eyes catching mine. "Okay. What do we do now then?" she
asked, a bit coyly.
"Well, love, I say we sleep. That way I can dream of you. And there's
nothing quite like waking up with you in my arms," I added quietly.
Willow giggled. "Sleep. I can do that. And dream of more."
"Whatever you like, little one," I chuckled.
Willow nodded and closed her eyes, entangling her legs with mine and pressing
close to me. I pulled the blanket I had forgotten last night back over us,
and she sighed calmly, her hand reaching up and finding mine. Her fingers
shyly laced through my own, and I saw her smile.
Seconds could have passed then, or minutes or hours. The time slipped into
a
place that could never be found again, and I simply watched her as I had
a
hundred times in the past.
But this time, something was different.
The sleeping beauty I had grown to love was in my arms.
And she was really there to stay.
The End