Summary: Blatant friend and more fluff. Not telling
with whom, but you'll be
able to guess within the first few lines. I'm transparent that way.
Spoilers: *Minor* through the third season.
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. (Though I like to think he did that
so
that I could mess with them from time to time.)
Rating: PG
Feedback: It's addictive. Please send me some and encourage my addiction!
Thanks to Tracy and to Laura for being the inspirations on too many of my
fics.< g >
by: Amy
* * * * * *
It wasn't really an option for her, when she was little. She saw Xander,
saw
those big brown eyes and and that smile and she fell in love.
Of course, it was a child's love. Something innocent and clean. Hero
worship. He was her hero, fighting the battles that needed to be fought,
and
even sometimes the ones that didn't. He looked out for her, made her laugh,
protected her, and was her friend.
She always hoped for more from him.
She always hoped that one day, things would be different. That he would look
at her and realize, like she had realized, that they were perfect together.
Something like meant to be.
* * * * * *
July 4, 1987
Willow took her thumb out of her mouth. Xander wrinkled his nose at her.
"Wills, your finger's gonna fall off if you keep sucking on it like that."
She giggled. "I know. I'm tryin' to stop." She looked down at her hands.
"I don't like my fingers anyway."
Xander turned to her in surprise. "You don't like your fingers?"
"Do you like your fingers?" she asked him seriously.
He looked at his hands for a long moment. "Kind of. I like *your* fingers,
though. I like your hands."
Willow blushed. "Really?"
Xander reached over and took her hand in his. He held it tightly as the
fireworks began to light up the sky in beautiful blues and reds and golds.
He grinned. "Really. I promise."
She believed him.
* * * * * *
August 28, 1992
Willow hopped up onto her front step. Her heart thundered, and she focused
her eyes on Xander's tie. It was a little crooked. A clip on. She stifled
a nervous giggle, hoping he would kiss her.
It wasn't really a date, of course. Jesse and Jesse's mom were waiting in
the car for Xander to walk her up to her door. She shifted her feet
nervously and Xander looked down at his shoes. "Xander... I thought you
danced really nicely tonight," she mumbled.
"Thanks, Will," he mumbled back. "You, uh, looked pretty. Look pretty." He
suddenly laughed. "Whatever."
Her hopes rose. "Thanks!" she said, pleased. "You look pretty too! I
mean... Handsome. Handsome."
He looked down at his faux tux and clip on tie, shrugging. "My mom made me
wear it."
< Kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me! > "Well, it's nice. Good."
Xander nodded, stepping off the porch. Willow's heart fell. "Well, thanks.
Bye!"
She raised her arm pointlessly. He was already in the car. "Bye," she
whispered.
* * * * * *
December 25, 1993
"Oh, Xander," Willow shrieked, "Do it again! Please!"
He shook his head. "Nope. And stop laughing, you're going to wake up my
dad." He grinned. "One snoopy dance from Snoopy and I a year is all you're
gonna get."
She looked down in mock disappointment. "But I love it when you do the
Snoopy dance. Could we at least rewind the tape and watch Snoopy do it
again?" She smiled hopefully, and Xander winked.
"If you're good."
"When have I ever not been good?" she asked, indignant.
Xander laughed. "When you told Cordelia to shove it because the land of Oz
was real."
Willow rolled her eyes. "We were six, Xand. And besides, I wasn't talking
about the land of Oz. I was talking about..." Her brow crinkled. "I don't
know. The books or something. Maybe Oz himself. It was a long time ago."
Jesse rapped on the door and then let himself in without being invited. He
flashed a quick smile and settled himself on the bed next to Xander and
Willow. Putting his arm around Willow's shoulders, he winked at her. "Did
I
miss it?"
"You missed it," she confirmed dryly. "And he refuses to do it again."
Jesse looked deeply into her eyes. "Well, we can keep each other company,
Will."
Willow blushed, giggling, and Xander sidled over to them with a strange look
on his face. "Hey, Willow's my babe, Jess. Aren't you, Will?" He slipped
his arm around her waist and she felt pleasantly and warmly sandwiched
between them.
When she didn't say anything, he persisted. "Willow already told me we were
getting married."
"Xander!" she exclaimed. "I did not! You were the one who said that, before
you forced me to kiss you."
He shrugged. "What can I say? You were a hot six-year old."
She slapped his arm affectionately. "And now you're an annoying fourteen
year old."
Jesse laughed, pulling away from Willow to observe she and Xander. "You
know, you guys really would make a cute couple."
Willow blushed again, looking down. Xander nodded, pulling away also. "I
know. That's why we hang out together so much. We compliment each other."
Willow grinned. "I don't think I'm going to compliment you anymore. You're
getting a big head over it."
Jesse touched her hand. "Ya are a babe, Wills. Why don't we ditch Xander
and go out for ice cream?" Willow looked at him seriously, flattered even
if
he was only playing with her because they were friends.
The strange look passed over Xander's face again, and he hopped up from the
bed. "Okay! I'll do the dance again. You've talked me into it, you wild...
talking person."
Willow grinned and sat up, her eyes shining. "Thanks, Xander."
Xander threw a hidden glare at Jesse. "Anytime, Wills."
* * * * * *
March 15, 1997
"I didn't know you'd be here," Xander said tightly.
Willow lifted her shoulders. "What was I supposed to be doing? Ignoring
that we ever knew him? Pretending that everything was all right because now
we have a replacement for our friend. Come on, Xander."
Xander flinched, a repentant look on his face. "Sorry, Wills," he whispered.
"You just... accepted it all. Maybe not easily, but... It's just hard, you
know?"
Willow nodded, tears filling her eyes. She walked up beside Xander and
placed her bouquet of lilies on Jesse's grave. Xander drew his arm up and
around her, crushing her against his side. She sniffled. "We knew him for
so long. It's like he's not really gone. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm
forgetting him. I'm not."
Xander shook his head. "Buffy's really cool, you know? But, even though
she's this superhero, she's not Jesse. I like her and all, but it's not the
same."
"No," Willow agreed, "It never will be again."
Xander glanced down at her through his lashes, a smile lifting his face.
"You're just a bundle of happy thoughts, aren't you?"
Willow gave a soft, sad laugh. "I could say the same."
"Yeah," Xander murmured, looking down at the marking, "You could."
"Xander?"
"Uh huh?"
"Say that we'll always be friends, okay? Even if it might not be true?" she
asked, her question frightfully melancholy.
Xander shook his head. "We *will* always be friends. Whatever else changes,
that never will. I've known you longer than I've known even Jesse. You're
my childhood, Will. And, I guess, my future." He gave her a slight squeeze.
"We were destined for each other. I couldn't find a better friend if I
spent a lifetime looking."
She smiled, relief and something like sadness apparent on her face. "Xand?"
He looked down at her. "I couldn't either."
* * * * * *
June 9, 1999
Willow pulled back from the long, tight hug. She looked into Xander's eyes,
those pretty hazel eyes, and smiled. "Do you really have to go?"
He glanced down from her steady, almost sad gaze. "Yeah. I need to get some
things in my head straight. It's not as easy being the funny sidekick as
you
might think." He flashed her a smile. "But, I'll be back at the end of the
summer. I'll miss you, Wills."
She nodded, pulling him close again. "I'll miss you too, Xander." She
sniffled. "I don't think we've ever been apart for more than a week, the
whole time I've known you."
He shook his head against her neck. "We haven't. Not ever."
Xander let go of her and looked at his suitcases. She frowned, a thought
occurring to her. "You know, you'll be back before the fall semester
starts... I could go with you."
His eyes caught and held hers for a long moment before he shook his head
again. She looked down, disappointed. "Willow." His voice was soft. "I
wish I could take you. I really do. But.... Oz..."
Her eyes found her hands. "Oh. Oz. Right. I'm just going to miss you,
Xander. I guess that's all."
Xander walked over to her, pulling her into another hug. "I think we covered
this part already, don't you?" he teased gently. He could feel the spots
of
her tears seep through his shirt and onto his chest, and they stung hotly,
both on his skin and in his heart. "You're a part of me, Willow. I love
you, you know that."
She looked up; her lips trembled. "I think so. Do you know that I love you
too?"
For a moment he looked intently at her, and she bared her secrets to him
through her eyes. That amazing green waited for him to make up his mind.
At length, he stepped away. His voice was rough and quiet, and only the two
of them could have understood what he meant when he spoke his next words.
"Not yet."
She stared at him insistently. "When? After all this time, Xander, when?"
He walked back to her with two long strides and yanked her into his arms.
After a stiff pause, she melted against him as his lips found hers in a
burning kiss. She gasped against his mouth as he molded them together.
After a long moment that fell somewhere between a single second and a
lifetime, he let her go and stepped away. "Soon."
She watched numbly as he lifted his bags and left her room. His word pounded
in her mind, echoing with promise and fear. ~Soon.~
* * * * * *
It wasn't going to be soon, Willow realized after six months. She was
starting to wonder if it was going to be ever. All the time, all the dreams
and hopes and expectations and wishes. All down the drain. All for nothing.
Nothing. The word had new meanings to her.
She knew Xander was alive. She could feel it, as surely as she could feel
her own heartbeat. She was lonely, after breaking up with Oz, but she knew
he was alive and that was good enough for her. He needed to get his head
in
order, he had said. But how long would that take? And at what cost? She
waited by the phone for it to ring, for a sign that he was coming home. A
sign that he was coming home to her. But when it rang, it was never his
voice she heard, never his laughter over the static-y lines.
A few days before her nineteenth birthday, almost a year after he left, she
got a post card. It was small and simple, with the picture of a Barbie on
the front. He had written "Happy Birthday. I'll love you soon."
He didn't sign.
He didn't need to.
Four days later, on her birthday, she woke up with a feeling that was
different than the icy sadness that had wrapped around her heart. Something
wasn't the same. Something had changed. Something... For the better.
She smiled, kicking off her blankets, and ran over to her balcony. Yes, he
would be outside waiting for her to feel him, waiting for her to open the
door.
She threw the doors open.
Her heart fell.
He wasn't there.
Turning around, her heart stopped. He was sitting calmly on her bed, waiting
for her to say something. Always waiting. A lifetime of waiting.
Willow launched herself at him. That connection they had, that bond that
always kept them a part of each other, filled her heart and she sobbed as
his
arms encircled her. They tumbled back onto the bed together, laughing and
crying and waiting for the other to speak.
Finally, Xander did. "I'm sorry. I love you," he whispered.
She sighed, trembling. They kissed, hot and hungry and alive and together,
and Willow found her heart beating more rapidly than it ever had before.
It
was a simple, obvious reason. Because he kept her heart with him. And now
that he was back, she could be live again. That was all there was to it.
He broke the kiss gently and searched her eyes. "Always?" Willow nodded.
"Always," he said again, with more certainty. His voice was ragged with
missing her and loving her. "Forgive me?"
She lifted her head again, letting her hand trail from his lips to his heart.
Slowly, her mouth curved up, and Xander felt an extraordinary relief wash
over him. She kissed him again, lightly, the seal of a promise made long
ago.
Her voice was soft, but he heard it. He could always hear it.
"Yes, I forgive you. ...You were worth the wait."
The End