Summary: A short piece on Angel's thoughts directly after Surprise.
Spoilers: Surprise
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, no matter how much I wish they were.
Rating: PG
"I love you. I try not to,
but I can't stop."-- Angel; Surprise
She is silent on my pillow, and I look down at her with nothing less pure than true love. Passion had not been in the deal, not even closeness had. But that's, somehow, what I have been lucky enough to get. All of it and more.
Ever since I first saw Buffy, I have wanted to see her like I saw her tonight. Eyes glazed with heat and a face clouded with trust. Flushed cheeks, a neck arching under my trespassing mouth and tongue. But I wasn't a trespasser anymore. With her simple offer to me, I became no longer unwarranted in my need to be with her. Because she wanted me too.
We both could feel it starting to happen in that kiss on my bed. We both knew where it was going to go. My kiss to her, finally showing her everything in my ugly and tortured soul, all the fear and pain and grief, was honest to the point of being scary. But she accepted me. She'll always accept me. I tried to let her stop, I tried to let her know it would be okay with me if we didn't make love yet. But her words washed away any and all of my insecurities.
"Shhh," she'd said, pressing her fingers over my mouth. "Just kiss me."
The night was like none I had experienced in my days either as a mortal or a vampire. Love finally ended by exhaustion. I would never have thought that passion was so romantic and hazy. When I was a human, the idea of love was dark and mysterious, something unreachable, but I have somehow achieved what most humans cannot grasp. And now that I'm here, at the top of this undefeatable mountain, all I can say is that it's more light than dark, more honest than mysterious. And far more attainable than it is unreachable. I feel like I've been flying.
She murmurs in her sleep, snuggling against me like a child. I smile and hold her closer, knowing that she is in fact a child, and she is mine. Someone I can protect. Someone I can help. ...Someone who can help me.
With her offering tonight everything finally fell into place. Clicked. I finally felt truly worthy of the precious gift she gave in my bed. I finally knew that all these months we have spent loving each other from afar were a waste of time, and the months we spent leading up to now were for a reason. Maybe I'm deluding myself as I think that we'll be together until the end of time. But this is the Hellmouth, something like that could happen. I have hope for it.
I told her I loved her tonight. I don't regret my restraint in the matter, but I'm glad it was finally said. I'll make sure to say it again and again, never letting her doubt me, never letting her wonder. I will be wonderful in everything she desires. I vow this to myself. She will not want for anything.
Now I will sleep. With this beautiful woman in my arms, this beautiful woman that I love, the fragrance of her hair lingering in my nose, I will shut my eyes and drift off with her so we can see each other in our dreams.
This soul, which tormented me for years, is suddenly no longer a curse. Without it, I could never have loved Buffy like I do, and she would never have loved me. I see it as a blessing now.
My soul has rested, it's time I did too.
The End