The Strength to Heal

by: Amy
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Present--

She walks down that road every night. Waiting, watching. She knows there's going to be a time when they'll come back. When everything will come crashing back to her, and she'll be able to, finally, deal with what fate handed to her. So she goes in the name of patrol, and waits.

Waits for them in silence.

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Past--

Buffy pulled her coat up tight around herself, trying to warm her cold body. Hating life. Hating that fate had thrown her this curve. How could she not have her powers, her strength? Life could never be the same for her, anyway. Not after the cloak of innocence had been torn away from her eyes. She had to be able to fight. And now she was... nothing!

She took a cautious glance across the street, clutching the book Angel had given her to her chest, and smiling, just the littlest bit at the thought of her boyfriend, as she made her way across the empty pavement. The two men standing by the truck that she was nearing were giving her strange looks, so her smile fled and she gave the truck a wide berth.

As she passed, one of the men called out. "Hey, sweetheart, how much for a lap dance?"

Buffy immediately tensed in anger, but she breathed out deeply. Her mind was screaming at her for her to do something, take some form of action against him, but her limbs were frozen in an automatic fear that she hadn't felt in years. Shrugging off the feeling as she heard the men chuckle to each other behind her, she continued on her way, holding the book even tighter.

A moment later, she wished she had been running.

One of the men caught her arm roughly and spun her around to face him. His breath was foul, his teeth yellow from the tar of cigarettes. Looking at her lasciviously, he gave a smile and Buffy's eyes glinted with rage and she brought her hand up, fisting it, and backhanded the man. She cried out in pain as her hand connected with his cheek, but he only laughed, one hand reaching out and fondling her breast through the shirt and coat.

Buffy's eyes went wide with terror. "N-no..." she managed to stutter out. "Please. You- you don't know what you're doing! Let me go!" Finally yanking away from him,

she clung to the book as though it were her lifeline and began to run.

The second man, who had been passive before, caught up with her easily and grabbed at the bottom of her coat. Buffy tumbled to the ground, scraping her cheek against the pavement. He chuckled, low in his throat, and pulled at the bottom of her jeans, dragging her three feet before she cried out in pain and then lifting her with one hand under her ribs and carrying her to the nearby alley.

Once there, he dumped her unceremoniously in a pile. The men looked at each other, and grinned as Buffy's heart thumped. Sunnydale, she thought, the word drifting by in a haze. Sunnydale is for vampires and demons. Humans have souls. Humans wouldn't do this. One of the men looked down at her and sniggered.

"So here's the deal, darlin," the first one said, "I'm Jake, and this here's Andy. You give us a real good time, you get to go home and see your mama after the night is done. You don't, well, you don't."

"Wait!" Buffy shouted, desperate. "I'll scream!"

Andy laughed. "Did you ever take a real good look at this town? Lotsa people scream here for some reason. Nobody takes a peek outside once the screamin' starts." Kneeling down by her, he took her chin painfully in his hands and jerked her eyes up to meet his. "You are such a pretty thing, ain't ya? Ain't she, Jake?"

Jake kneeled down on her other side and nodded eagerly. "Sure are, darlin. Sure is."

Taking her hair into his palm, Jake leaned down and gave Buffy a foul kiss, tasting like liquor and fumes. He thrust his tongue into her mouth, groping through her clothes, tearing her shirt with one easy gesture. Buffy gagged on his tongue and shrank back from his hands, gripping the book under her arm. Andy laughed and pulled the book away from her clutching hands, flipping through it. "Looks like the little girl likes to read."

Shooting a glance down at her, his hands tore at the pages, letting them drift uselessly to the ground, crumpled, helpless. Buffy watched them sink onto the damp pavement and her eyes focused on the words as her pants were ripped from her body, burning the skin on her thighs and hips. She tried once, futilely to shrug one of the men off of her-- she wasn't looking at them then, so she wasn't sure which--and tried to say no, but her throat was dry and closed up on her, making her choke on the word.

Her thin bra was torn away, and then her panties, and Buffy was left sobbing dryly in horror, naked. Her eyes stilled on the pages of the book Angel gave her and she thought of him, focused all her energy on him, screaming in her mind for him to come and save her. She thought his name, over and over, and then her legs were being spread, leaving red imprints on the sensitive skin. She looked at his handwriting, "Love, Always..."

And then a scream split through her throat into the air because someone was moving inside of her, tearing her, hurting her. One of the men licked her turned cheek and Buffy tried to wiggle away. She felt small, helpless, worthless, dirty. The filthy water made the pavement even more coarse and she felt it scratch at her back. It hurt, yes, but what was worse was the shrinking feeling inside of her, small. She wasn't really there, she told herself. It wasn't really happening.

And then the first man was done and he gave her another long lick on the cheek before climbing off of her trembling body. The second man took his place and proceeded to hurt her in the same way. Rape, she thought dully. Rape. I'm being raped. This is what rape is. Love, Always....

And then the second man was done and he got off of her, pinching the inside of her thigh harshly. Buffy moaned in pain, the sound low in her chest.

Zipping up their pants, the men strolled away and left Buffy there, weeping, gasping. She heard the sound of a truck start up a moment later and rolled over onto her side, holding together her ripping clothing, stuffing her legs back into her pants even as she shuddered in anguish. My fault, her mind screamed. Should have stayed with Angel. Love, Always... Angel. My fault. She stooped down to take that page with her, Love, Always... Angel would always love her.

Climbing to her knees and shoving the grungy, wet hair out of her face, she stumbled into the street, calling weakly for any car that would stop. After five or six, she lost count because she was so tired, one pulled over and opened the door from the inside. She saw it was a man and wanted to back away, but then looked closer out of habit and saw it was Giles. Wonderful Giles, Watcher Giles. He's going to take me to the ice show, she thought dazedly. I just have to ask him. He'll say yes. Giles loves me.

She fell into the car and pulled the door shut behind her as Giles sighed in relief. He started driving and patted her hand. She shied away from it, and he finally looked at her fully, his eyes widening.

"My Lord, Buffy, what happened?!" he gasped.

And then, only then, did the real tears come.

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She sobbed all the way to the library, her tears making her face sticky and wet. Burying her face in her hands, she tried to hide from his gaze, tried to hide inside of herself, but couldn't and shrank away from the gentle hands that tried to comfort her. When the car stopped, she didn't move, didn't speak, just continued to cry and finally Giles went around and lifted her delicately out of the vehicle. She tried to shove him away, but then remembered that it was Giles who was going to take her to the ice show, and threw her arms around his neck, holding him close, holding someone close who loved her, who would never hurt her.

He left the car door open and carried her swiftly inside of the school, into the library, and then into his office. She looked around blearily as he covered her with a blanket. Giles skittered around the room, collecting rubbing alcohol and bandages and gauze from throughout the room. Finally he made his way back to her and dabbed at the flesh on her cheek that was bleeding from being dragged on the pavement. She shuddered again and then laid back, letting him heal her.

After a while, he broke the silence cautiously, quietly. "What happened, Buffy?"

Buffy turned her head back to his and met his eyes evenly, her own filling with large, crystalline tears, and his heart ached for her. Buffy's hand wandered up to his face and touched it lightly, tenderly, as a few stray tears spilled from the corner of her eyes.

"I was raped."