Summary: Willow and Oz go through a turbulent time in their relationship. ;) It's all I can say.
Spoilers: Minor through the third season. Begins in the future and progresses from there.
Disclaimer: Joss made them. I like to screw with their lives as much as he does, though.
Rating: Let's say PG13.
Thanks to Tracy for helping me whenever I ask (which I do too much. < g >), being Racy like she is, and bowling. And Laura too, because of porn music, Trivial Pursuit and grape soda. Amy's in a thirty dead Sri Lankan place.
For Karen.

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Touch You Once was nominated for a Golden Frog Award in the category of Best Tear Jerker/Sad Fic.

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Touch You Once

by: Amy

* * * * * * *

It was so simple to marry him. She had that wonderful blindness that love gave you shining from her face whenever she looked at Oz. He was everything she had ever wanted. She didn't need anything else.

Willow ignored her mother's ranting about how she was giving up her independence for a man, and how she would regret it for the rest of her life. She had a very promising future when she was young. And then, at twenty-one, on her wedding day, it seemed even more so.

She *wanted* to be the traditional wife. Wanted to take care of the kids and love then and shower them with affection and care and take care of her husband. Oz's career was already taking off as a musician, and she was so proud of him. And so, on that uncommonly cool day in July, she pledged to love him forever.

It was an easy promise to make.

It was a little harder to keep.

* * * * * *

She was happy, she would often tell herself. And sometimes she really was. She liked cooking and cleaning and watching over her two children as they grew up. She liked being a mother and a wife. She liked seeing her husband adored by thousands of women on television. Well, she liked that part less. But she knew he was faithful to her, and that was enough. It made her happy to see him happy.

She kept in contact with Buffy and Xander, who were still her dearest friends. Her life was very fulfilling at times. She had a good relationship with Kyle's teacher, and Heather was just about to start preschool when she found out she was pregnant again.

She was nearing thirty at that point, and wondered what Oz would say. He had been increasingly distant to her in the past year, but she hoped the news would bring about a change.

And it did. For a little while, anyway.

For the length of her pregnancy, and a little after, he doted on her like he had when they first met. He came home earlier, left for work later, and in between, liked to spend all his waking moments where he could hear her voice. He would make those dry little witticisms that she had always been so fond of, and he would touch her often, which was something Willow had been missing.

Just his touch. Something simple. Something needed. Like he was.

Willow was so hopeful after that. She loved him and he loved her and they would both love their children forever. The perfect family. The perfect life. It suited them.

But then, Justin was born, and though Oz seemed to love him as much as his other children, he also seemed to love her less. The touches slowly decreased, those special, sweet touches on the hand and stomach and hair, and then stopped altogether. The only time he touched her was when he left for practice or a concert, and then he would brush his lips quietly and lightly across hers, in a mandatory goodbye kiss.

Willow grew to hate that kiss.

Years went by of that and only that, until it came to a point where she would have to turn her head so that his mouth would meet her cheek casually, as if they hadn't been married for almost fifteen years, as if they were just good acquaintances who hadn't seen each other in years. As if... As if they didn't love each other anymore.

And then, suddenly, Willow knew that it was true. She didn't love him. She hadn't for a long time. No intimacy. No closeness. No laughter. Only the light, cool kisses of a man who didn't have time for her, a man who took her for granted, and took for granted everything she did for him and their children, a man who she didn't know.

A man who was different from the man she had fallen in love with.

* * * * * *

One day, she decided. It was a simple as that, and yet, also one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life. Slowly, methodically, she packed her things. She called Buffy and asked if she would take care of the kids for a few days. She realized that her life was so small that she only needed two suitcases to get everything that she wanted.

Had her mother been right all along? Was her life so small, only compared to his?

Willow nodded to herself with that thought, admitting that yes, it was. But she was more important that any of them realized, more important to him and to herself and to the home they had built together out of nothing.

The perfect family wasn't perfect anymore. It was hardly a family.

Which is why she decided to leave.

Willow met him at the door that night. He was always late by then, and she wondered if perhaps he was actually having an affair, something that, while horrifying to contemplate, didn't fill her with as much sadness as she might have anticipated.

Oz merely looked at her and let his hand travel to the floor, where her life rested in two suitcases. His eyes then got dark. "Where are the kids?"

"At Buffy's," Willow murmured numbly.

"And why are you packed?"

"I'm leaving you," she explained.

He looked more surprised than she had thought he would. "Why?"

Willow gave a harsh laugh. "Because I don't love you anymore, Oz." The words hurt, but they rang with the clarity of truth and Willow couldn't ignore them.

"You don't," he stated disbelievingly. "Is there a reason for that?"

"There are lots of them."

He lifted his shoulders helplessly. "Could you give me the biggest?"

"You don't touch me," she said calmly. "For the past five years, it's been this pretend life. I pretended I was happy because I thought I wanted you to be happy. I pretended that making love once a year was enough. I pretended that if I waited long enough, everything would right itself. I devoted this whole marriage into making us happy. And you know what I realized today?"

He looked at her uncomprehendingly and she shrugged and went on. "That I don't want to pretend anymore. I'm not happy just because I say I am. My life isn't perfect because the children are beautiful and loved and you're famous. You don't need me. And I don't need you. Not anymore."

Oz looked away. "Please stay," he murmured hoarsely.

Willow smiled sadly, more sadly than she would have thought it possible to smile. "No."

"Is there anything I can do make you stay?"

She shook her head. "No. I just want it over, Oz. I just want to be with the kids and maybe someday find someone who won't stop being close to me just because he's busy. Maybe I won't. It doesn't matter. Anything has to be better than staying in a lifeless life."

Oz nodded slowly and stepped out of her way. When he spoke, his voice was cool and collected. She realized with a sudden sharp pain in her chest that she liked it better when he sounded like he might cry. "I'll be here when you decide to come back. I think."

Willow blinked back tears that burned behind her eyelids. "That's very thoughtful of you, Oz," she said dryly, keeping as much of her dignity in tact as she could. "But you don't need to stick around on account of me. I'm not returning the favor."

Oz flinched and nodded again. "Well, in case you change your mind," he said lightly.

Willow made a small sound and left the house. She heard Oz banging up the stairs behind her.

* * * * * *

Four months later, the phone in her apartment rang. She put down her coffee cup and picked it up. "Hello?"

"Willow." It was Oz.

"The kids are at school, Oz. You should know that."

He sighed. "I know. Hold on a second, I want to talk to you if that's okay."

The doorbell rang and Willow got up to answer it, holding the cordless phone to her ear. The door opened swiftly, making slight trailing sounds on the thick carpet.

Oz was there. He held the small cell phone to his own ear and before her eyes took it down and snapped it shut. She set her phone on the counter, and Oz stepped in the apartment, looking around.

"I've, uh, never seen your place before. It's nice."

"I'm glad you approve," she said dryly.

Oz stopped fidgeting and looked at her seriously. "I want to touch you."

Willow looked at him blankly. "What?"

Oz exhaled deeply. "I want to touch you. You were there, for so long, and I stopped touching you. And I don't know why. And I'm sorry for it."

His hand lifted up to stroke a loose strand of her hair. Willow trembled for a moment and then jerked away. "It's not that easy, Oz."

"Why can't it be?"

"Because it broke my heart to not love you for the first time in so long. And I don't think I'll be able to survive falling out of love with you again. It's not the sex, or even the sharing, because we all know you were never the most talkative guy on the block." Oz smiled briefly and she went on. "It's the knowing that I was one of the most important people in your life. And I'm not even sure that I *can* fall in love with you again."

"You can," he said roughly, certainly. "I'm in love with you."

Willow shook her head. "Please... Don't."

"Don't what?" he burst out. "Try to save this marriage? Try to tell my *wife*, the mother of my *children*, that I love her? God, Will, you're being ridiculous."

Willow's eyes jerked to him. "What?"

Oz sighed impatiently. "I said..."

"Will," Willow interrupted.

Oz looked confused. "Yes...?"

"It's nothing," she whispered, her resolve swaying. "You just haven't called me Will in a long time."

His eyes caught hers somberly, green on green. "I know." He said the words as an apology, and Willow gave a hesitant step forward.

"It can't be like it used to be," she warned him quietly.

"I know," he murmured again, taking a step toward her.

They were inches apart. Willow could feel his breath on her cheek and she sighed a little, her eyes closing. Oz whispered, "I love you."

"I know," she whispered back.

And then she was in his arms and he was cradling her head against his shoulder, tenderly, sweetly, like he used to. Tears spilled out of her eyes and she sobbed with a sudden relief to have him back, to have back the man she loved. He had been gone for too long.

She looked up at him and he caught her lips in a surprise kiss. Not light and casual as the ones before, the ones for five years, but melting and hot and liquid. Willow trembled in his embrace, and Oz trembled too. Finally they pulled away from each other and locked eyes again.

They broke into smiles.

"You call Xander?" Willow asked with a grin.

Oz nodded and picked up the phone, assured when Xander said he could pick the kids up from school and take care of them. Willow watched in slight amazement as her husband read her mind like he used to, like that bond had never disappeared. After a minute, he hung up the phone and looked at her.

"Let me touch you?"

"I was hoping you would say that," she said, almost shyly. His hand lifted until it was trailing the air above her cheek, the air above her hair and eyes. Willow waited in shivering anticipation until his hand finally settled on the smoothness of her neck and his fingertips wandered down to her shoulder, sliding the strap of her dress down.

Willow smiled.

With surprising strength, he lifted her. Willow shrieked in playful shock as he carried her to the bedroom as a groom carries a bride.

Letting one serious second fall in that moment, she looked at him and whispered in his ear as they neared the bedroom. "Things will change?"

Oz kissed her roughly and then spoke in a voice as rough as the kiss. "Things will never be the same, Will. I promise."

And as they day went on and the night fell, she began to believe him.

The End

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If you leave, don't leave now
Please don't take my heart away
Promise me just one more night
Then we'll go our separate ways
We always had time on our side
Now it's fading fast
Every second, every moment
We've got to, we've got to make it last

I touch you once, I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I need you then
We always said we'd still be friends someday

If you leave, I won't cry
I won't waste one single day
But if you leave, don't look back
I'll run the other way
Seven years went under the bridge
Like time was standing still
Heaven knows what happens now
You've got to, you've got to say you will

I touch you once, I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I need you then
We always said we'd meet again

I touch you once, I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I need you then
We always said we'd still be friends

I touch you once, I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I need you then
You always said we'd meet again someday