Summary: Cordelia and Xander write letters to each other after they part.
Alert-- Sappiness and saccharine city ahead!!!
Spoilers: Through Graduation Day 2. Don't read if you haven't seen or don't
wish to know anything that happened!
Disclaimer: Not mine, all Joss's. The song belongs to The Goo Goo Dolls.
Rating: PG13

* * * * * * * *
**Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking 'bout tomorrow
'Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees**

* * * * * * * *

September 3, 1999
Dear Cordelia,

Hey, it's Xander. I bet you didn't expect to hear from me, right? Sorry, I
sort of dragged your address out of Giles... Okay, that's not really true,
don't want to get him into trouble. I snuck into the office in his apartment
and found it before I left. I know that you told him not to give it out even
though I don't know why. So I'm sorry if this takes you by surprise.

I've been in Las Vegas for two days. I'll be at this address for at least
another two weeks, so if you want to write me back, go ahead. I just got to
thinking, and I guess missing you. And it doesn't even bother me that I know
you're laughing at this letter, because I've always liked your laugh.

I guess why I'm really writing is because I was wondering about a couple of
things. Don't take any of this the wrong way, because I'm really glad with
how we left things. But during graduation, you know, before the mayor tried
to eat us, you reached over and held my hand. And I never asked you why,
probably because I was so grateful for your hand in that moment. It sounds
stupid, but I think it gave me confidence. Which, granted, isn't something
you did a lot, but I never forgot when you did.

I guess that's all I wanted to say, to ask. Write back!

Love,
Xander

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one?
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon
That was your womb**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 7, 1999
Dear Xander,

You're right (which is something that I'm going to try to never say again), I
was surprised when I got your letter. Surprised, but still happy. As happy
as I ever am these days. I hope you're still at the same address when I send
this, when it gets to where I send it to.

I should just answer your question, right? Well, I held your hand to get
pretty much the same feeling you said you had. Somehow, Xander, you always
had a way of making me feel safer than I was alone. You gave me confidence,
too, which is something I didn't have all of the time, no matter what it
seemed like. Would you believe that during the fight, I staked a vampire? I
didn't just fight them, and hit them with bats or something like I had
thought I would, I actually *killed* one. It shocked me, and made me feel
really good about myself.

Of course, then I ended up beating them up with weapons and stuff. A couple
of times I saw you out there, in the thick of it, kicking some serious
vampire ass, and I was... proud of you, I guess. The way you organized the
whole class was really something, something big and special that you did that
you should get a lot of credit for.

I'm sorry for not telling you goodbye, for only that short note that I left.
Thinking about it now, it wasn't right of me. I thought it was easier at the
time, and maybe then it was, but now I'm wishing that I had talked to you, at
least given you a hug or something before I left.

For what it's worth, I'm glad you broke into Giles's private office and
snooped through his things. I hope I hear from you soon!

Love,
Cordelia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 18, 1999
Dear Cordelia,

Sorry it took me so long to write back. I got your letter, and decided to
wait until I had left before I read and responded to it. So now I'm in
Bakersfield, California. It's almost fall, and it's still as hot as
Sunnydale is in August. Which really sucks. I like it here, though. I
might stay for a while, really this time. I don't know.

Okay, I have another question for you. You said that my letter made you "as
happy as you ever are lately" or something like that, and it sounded bad.
What's going on in your life that makes my letters one of the better things?

You know you can tell me. A while ago (come on, you knew I was eventually
going to bring this up), after people started finding out about the two of
us, I don't think it was just me that noticed that we were something more
than hidden broom closets and lust. Whenever I re-read your letter, I keep
thinking of the times when you would call me in the middle of the night,
crying, just so that you could talk to someone. I don't think I ever told
you how that made me feel. I felt... I guess like Buffy does sometimes.
Special, chosen. My girlfriend, Cordelia Chase, who was so much more than a
pretty face. (God, I'm starting to rhyme. Swear that you'll tear up this
letter, okay?)

I ended up telling you stuff, too. Important stuff I never told anyone that
I thought about. Like my future, what I saw myself doing, what I saw you
doing. I told you about my family situation, and how that made me feel
sometimes.

I'm going to say something else that I don't want you to take the wrong way.
Even though you let something slip about what I told you-- I deserved you
saying it, you were mad for a good reason-- I never told anyone about the
things you told me. I think part of it was because I had already hurt you
enough. But it was more than that, something I can't describe. I'm not
saying that to make you feel bad, so please don't. I just wanted you to know
that I never did anything like that. I'm not sure if it counts for anything,
but I hope so.

So, how are things? Work, school, whatever? Been in touch with Wesley?

Write me back here. I think I'll be here for a while.

Love,
Xander

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never know
What's the things they never showed you
That swallow the light from the sun
Inside your room, yeah**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 21, 1999
Dear Xander,

Are you sure? Because you might not want to hear this. It's pretty
depressing. Skip ahead if you don't want to be depressed.

Life in LA isn't what I thought it would be. I wanted to be an actress, but
most of the other women here are *so* talented, and experience counts for a
lot, even if it's only modeling or a commercial. And there are so many
beautiful women here that I can't even hope to try modeling, I'd be blown out
of the water by the competition. Please don't call me shallow, I already
know that I am for saying this, but I never really had a lot of competition.
At least, I never knew it. My mother is beautiful, and I was always raised
thinking I was prettier than anyone. The only competition I ever found was
in Buffy or Willow.

So it's hard here, harder than I ever expected. I've taken a part time job
as a secretary at Angel's detective agency, and while it's okay, I think he
only gave me the job because he felt sorry for me. Sometimes I'll walk into
his office and see him staring out the window, and I just know he's thinking
of Sunnydale and Buffy, you know? But then he'll sigh and say, "Hello,
Cordelia," like he's disappointed it's me or something. Which he probably
is. I mean, don't get me wrong, we've become friends. Pretty good friends
as a matter of fact, but that doesn't make my heart hurt any less when he's
looking out the window like that.

It's just so lonely here. And while Angel and I *are* friends, he has the
tendency to close himself off sometimes, so I don't have anyone to talk to.
I call Giles once a week to give him a rundown of what's what, but I haven't
called Buffy or Willow. Maybe I'm scared to. I don't think I ever told you,
Xander (I might have been too busy making bitchy comments), but I was so
jealous, of both of them. Once I finally relaxed, it got better, but then...
Then things sort of blew up again, and I didn't have *any* friends. You may
think you've always been unpopular, but not with who counted.

Okay, depressing part over. Thanks, really a lot of thanks, for not telling
them any of the things that I told you. It means a lot to me, considering
that I was so cold to you in months before the prom. I went out of my way to
hurt you, trying to make you feel all the hurt that I did, but I only felt
worse when I got home and was alone. And then I found out about the dress
and it meant more to me than anything anyone had ever done.

Wesley. Oh, that's a loaded question. The answer is simple, but the
question is loaded. No, I haven't heard from him. He said he would drop me
a line from England once he got back (which I doubted at the time, and didn't
have any problem with), but so far nothing. I don't mind. I didn't tell
you, for obvious reasons, that we kissed before he left.

You know how, when we would kiss, it would be explosive every time? Like
firecrackers, we just had something that was hot and great? The best kind of
chemistry. Well, Wesley and I didn't have that. It's not that there was no
chemistry, because there was. The problem was that it was bad. Bad, bad
chemistry.

Well, now that I've embarrassed myself all over the place, I'll go. Miss
you. I wish you were here.

Love,
Cordelia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 24, 1999
Dear Cordy,

I can't even tell you how good it felt to get your letter so soon. And then
I opened it and, at the risk of sounding like Angel, my heart broke. I hate
thinking of you as unhappy where you are. I hate thinking that you're
lonely. I hate thinking that you're around Angel. But that's not really the
point, is it?

Okay, let me just say this. The reason you were raised thinking you were
beautiful is because you *are* beautiful. Which I'm sure you know, but might
need to hear after so long in LA. You probably actually hear it every night
from men, but I was throwing my two cents in. And you know what? After
trying, you'll probably make it. Who knows, in a few years I might be able
to say that I was Cordelia Chase's boyfriend in high school and people will
stop and stare at me like I'm a god.

After the shock of hearing Angel's whereabouts (Before I left, Buffy didn't
know. I'm not sure if she does now.), and the immediate jealousy that you
spent all your time with him, I guess I was glad that at least you're not
completely alone. And you're not, even though it might feel like it
sometimes. You have all of us, you have me.

If my opinion counts for anything with you, I think Buffy and Willow would
like hearing from you. They didn't show it a lot, but after... what happened
happened, they stuck up for you a lot. Not that they really needed to,
because I was in a sick, barfy place of my own, but they did. They
considered you a friend. Not the normal kind of friend, but a friend anyway.
And Giles was *really* secretive about your address and phone number because
you asked him for privacy. So I wasn't the only one wondering.

Speaking of what happened, I wanted to say that I'm sorry, again. It was
the worst thing I've ever done, and even though I said so to you at least
twenty times, I wanted to say it again. I don't think I could apologize
enough. After what I did with Willow, who I found out too late was my best
friend and nothing more, I wished that I hadn't. I wished that I could go
back in time and fix it, fix the whole thing and make the right decisions the
second time around. I fell so hard for you, Cordy, that I don't know what
made me act the way I did.

It's easier to say this on paper, I think. I loved you, Cordelia. I still
do.

I'm leaving Bakersfield in a couple of days, just enough time to let the
restaurant find a new busboy. I'm probably going to be gone by the time any
of your letters get here, so I'll just contact you when I'm in a new place,
okay?

Love,
Xander

P.S. About Wesley: Have to admit I'm just the littlest bit relieved over
that one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Always someone
And there's no time left for losin'
When you stand they fall**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

October 13, 1999

Cordelia looked at her nails, which she had to put nail polish remover on to
keep herself from biting. They were perfect, unchipped, elegant. God, she
wanted to bite them. It had been weeks since Xander's last letter, and
neither Giles or Buffy or Willow had heard from him. She was starting to
worry.

Finally sitting down at the desk in her tiny apartment, she pulled out some
stationary and began writing a quick letter to Xander, hoping that if she
sent it to the same address, he would get it somehow. She got six words in
before a knock on the door interrupted her.

Sighing angrily, she walked over to it and yanked it open, glaring at the
person who dared break her concentration.

She found herself staring at Xander.

After a moment of stunned silence, a squeal found its way out of her throat,
and she launched herself into his arms. Burying her head in his chest, she
wound her arms around his neck and began crying in relief before he had the
chance to say one word.

Finally, he gathered himself and scooped her tightly to him, and carrying her
into the apartment, kicking the door shut with his foot. Cordelia lifted
tear filled eyes to him and Xander gave her a half smile, sitting them both
down on the bed, side by side.

"Well," he murmured, amused. "That wasn't the exact reception I had
expected, but I can't say I'm not happy with it."

Cordelia hit his arm and then pulled him to her again. "I was so worried
about you, Xander! You've been keeping me alive this past month, waiting for
your letters, and writing back to you, and then you stopped writing!" She
looked at him accusingly.

"Sorry. I decided to work a little longer to save up a little money," he
explained. "I was working all the time, and I was so tired when I got home
that I would just crash."

"Why didn't you just come?" she asked tearfully.

"I needed to get you something," he said, smiling. He lifted his eyebrows
and looked at her intently. "Now, would you have ever forgiven me if I
hadn't come bearing gifts?"

Cordelia nodded vehemently, then paused. She grinned. "Well, as long as you
already got me something..."

Xander's laugh was warm and rich in her ears and she snuggled into one
shoulder while he searched through his coat with his free hand. Finally
pulling a long black velvet box out, he handed it to her and kissed her hair
as she opened it.

Her heart seemed to stop. It was the same necklace he had given her so long
ago, for Valentine's Day, the necklace that he had lost. Almost everything
was perfect and exact, except for the small diamond that lay in the center of
the heart. She held it up, and it twinkled in the light. "Oh, Xander..."
she breathed softly, looking at it, then him, with absolute rapture.

Xander shrugged bashfully. "I know it's small, but I wanted to make it
better than what you lost."

Cordelia shook her head. "It's so... Thoughtful." Her eyes searched his.
"It's the most wonderful thing that I've ever seen. *Thank* you."

Instead of putting it on, however, she replaced it in the box gently and
threw the box to the side. It clattered onto her nightstand and Xander
looked at her, surprised. "What... Don't you want to put it on?"

She shook her head. "Not yet. It might take a couple of seconds, that would
be wasted. As a matter of fact, we're wasting them now."

"Oh really?" Xander's mouth quirked up in that grin again, and Cordelia's
eyes fell on it, remembering it, loving it. Her hand reached up to lightly
trace his lips with her fingers. "What are we supposed to be doing?"

Cordelia looked at him, smiling tenderly. "You know, Xander, I don't feel
like I'm much without you. I'm not everything I could be." Xander's eyes
filled and he swallowed sudden tears. "I love you."

Not giving him a chance to say anything, knowing what he *would* say, she
leaned up and pressed her mouth it his. His arms wound themselves around her
and she gave a soft sigh, leaning into him, her mouth opening under his. She
murmured against his mouth. "Good chemistry." He smiled, and his tongue
found hers, easily plundering the heat of her mouth, teasing, hot and gentle
at the same time.

"Stay with me," she whispered. As he lowered her to the mattress, he locked
eyes with her, and gave a small nod, replying.

"Always."


**Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
All because I'm
Comin' down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go on to bring you home and
All because I'm
All because I'm
And I'll become
What you became to me**

The End


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