disclaimer in part one

Part 10

Angel--

Wesley never left. Two months later and he's still here, still thinking that he's the one in charge. If I live another two centuries, I don't think I'll ever quite understand why I invited him to stay. The now ex-Watcher hadn't done anything in Sunnydale to endear himself to me, and the first time I saw him after that he was almost dead at the hands of demons that don't hunt humans. It's not exactly a stellar resume.

But I find myself liking him. He does have a lot to offer us, once you get past his superiority complex. I think he's familiar with every book I have, and can find information on anything that I ask in a matter of minutes. That's something I don't think Cordelia was ever going to be able, or willing, to do.

He's good company for her too, someone to wait with while I'm out fighting. She hasn't bonded with him like she did with Doyle. I'm not sure she's ever going to. Wesley isn't him, and we still feel the loss. But she laughs a little now, usually at Wesley's attempts to be serious. It always fades quickly, and I know she's thinking the same thing I am, Doyle would be in heaven having Wesley around the office to make fun of.

"Angel." Cordelia practically shouted. I swung my chair around, knocking the plant off my windowsill in the process. She grimaced, walking over to rescue it. "I've told you a million times to be more careful if you're going to insist on putting your feet up there." Setting the plant back on its shelf, she scooped the dirt from the floor, patting it back in place. "Why can't you just sit at your desk like a normal person, facing forward. Where the desk is."

"Why can't you come into my office and speak in a normal voice?" I countered, straightening the papers that covered my desk as if I had been hard at work rather than lost in my thoughts.

"I tried that." Cordelia answered, shaking her head as she walked over to the couch. Dropping gracefully onto the cushions, she studied her hands carefully. "Now my manicure is ruined. Wonderful. And I was calling your name for about five minutes and nothing. What was I supposed to do, use ESP?"

"Sorry." I mumbled; rummaging through the papers for the file I was supposed to be looking at. "What did you want?"

"I'm going to need Wednesdays and Thursdays off." She announced, still staring intently at her nails. "Of course, if I have a vision, or something, I'll be here. Or if you need me. Actually, I only really need the afternoons off. I tried to do it in the morning, but I couldn't get the right classes, and..."

"Cordelia." I stopped her before her ramble got any more out of control. One word in particular caught my attention, classes; she was going to school. I smiled at her. "You're going to school? That's great."

"Yeah, well." She mumbled as a faint tinge of red colored her cheeks. Flipping her hair back over her shoulder she met my eyes. "The actress thing is sort of out now. I don't think I can find enough roles that call for severe migraines."

"I'm sorry." I answered, the familiar guilt rising again. "I know this must be hard for you."

"Yeah, well." She answered with a shrug; "I'm not a very good actress. At least, not when a camera is in front of me. But I was a pretty good student."

"What are you going to take?" I asked, leaning back in my chair and putting my feet up on the desk.

She shifted uncomfortably, pulling her legs up under her. "Did you know that Doyle was a teacher? A third grade teacher?"

"Yes."

"Well, at first, I thought I'd follow in his footsteps." She smiled sadly at me, her eyes still full of the grief we were slowly trying to get past. "But I can't do that. Obviously. I'd frighten the children if I had a vision." A wave of regret filled me, reminding me again of all the roads that were closed for her now. "Which coincidentally, also make me unsuitable for most jobs."

"You don't want to work here?" I asked, surprised at the hurt that caused. I liked her, liked having her around. Somehow I had gotten used to the image of us together, battling the forces of evil. Not in the way that Buffy and I had done, but more in the way that I thought Doyle and I would have, long after Cordelia had moved on. "I thought we were doing okay."

"We are." She replied immediately. "We're doing better than I ever imagined. It's not you, or working for you, it's just...what if it stops? What if you decide to move on, or something happens to you? What if the visions go away and you don't need me anymore? What will happen to me then?"

"Cordelia." I whispered. Someday I was going to figure her out, and she wouldn't be able to surprise me any more. I hadn't even thought about the what-ifs. But she was right; she needed to know that things were going to be okay for her, if the day ever came that I didn't come home. "You're always going to be okay. If the visions stop, it won't change anything. You'll always have a job here. And I'm not moving on, not unless you come with me."

"So, we're a team." She smiled, relief softening her features. "And I'm not just a pain?"

"Not just." I teased carefully, earning a small chuckle from her. I grew serious then, knowing that the time for just coasting along was coming to an end. I had made provisions for my death long ago, registering the building in Buffy's name, and making sure my accounts would be transferred to her, but now, it was time to change them. "Cordelia? No matter what happens, you will be okay. I'll make sure of it."

She opened her mouth, and then shut it again, shaking her head as if she could loosen the words from her throat. Finally, she unfolded her legs, her eyes flashing dangerously. "Of course I'll be okay. Did you not hear me say that I was taking classes? I don't need you to take care of me. I would be fine on my own. I don't need your pity. I'm not helpless."

"I didn't say that." I answered, not understanding in the least how I had managed to make her so mad. "I don't think that. I just wanted you to know..."

"To know that you'll take care of me, like my Father was supposed to take care of me?" She interrupted, her brown eyes welling with tears. She shook them off, her jaw muscles pulsing wildly. "I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to need someone so badly that I don't think I can survive without them. Because I can."

"I know you can." I whispered, standing up and walking over to her. I lowered my body cautiously into the seat next to her, keeping my voice low as I continued. "I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't."

"I depended on Doyle you know." She interrupted me, her dark eyes shining with tears. "When he died, I thought I wouldn't be able to keep going without him. It's funny, I only knew him for a few months, but he meant so much to me."

"He meant a lot to me too." I whispered.

She continued on as if I hadn't spoken. "Now, when I think about my life, I can't imagine it without you." She paused, wrinkling her nose as she thought about what she said. "Not in a dating way." She added with a small smile, before pausing. She chewed on her lip thoughtfully for a while, then continued. "I'm afraid of that feeling now. Before Doyle, before Xander, before my parents, I believed that if someone was important to you, if you depended on them, they wouldn't fail you. But they will, whether it's by choice, or because...because they die."

"Cordelia." I started, not knowing exactly where I was going. She shook her head, her jaw set as she looked at me.

"Just let me say this." She ordered, her voice shaking a little. "I want to take classes so that there's more than you, more than fighting evil, in my life. I don't want to lose you and only then realize that I don't have anything left. I survived losing Doyle, because you were there. I won't be that lucky if I lose you."

She stopped speaking, her eyes searching mine as she waited for me to speak. I cleared my throat, stalling for time, trying to figure out what to say. I wasn't a big talker; it was easier to brood, and to care in silence. "I understand." I began finally, pausing to organize my thoughts. She waited quietly, her body still. "And I shouldn't be the only thing in your life. It's not right. You're young and healthy, and getting visions and doing filing shouldn't be all you do. But, depending on people is part of life. You can't expect to get through without other people. They'll let you down, and you'll let them down, but it's still
worth it." I hesitated again, checking to make sure she was still listening.

Her eyes were wide as she stared at me, but the tears had dried. She nodded, and I took it as agreement. "Don't think that you're not important to me too. I can't imagine coming in here some morning and not suffering through your awful coffee. It frightens me, but I can't let it stop me from caring. Losing Doyle was one of the worst things I've ever been through, but I made it, because of you. Because I had you to depend on, and to care about."

"Boy, when you decide to share, you really share." Cordelia interrupted, her eyes lit with laughter. All hints of her earlier misery had disappeared as she looked at me.

I shook my head, a small smile twisting the corners of my mouth. I was never going to understand her. "I'm done."

"Good." She said, her nose wrinkling mischievously. "I was afraid you were going to start singing songs from Barney."

"I'm a brooder, not a singer." I deadpanned, earning a burst of laughter from her.

She quieted, her face growing serious again as she spoke. "Thanks."

"No problem." I answered, squeezing her shoulder as I stood. "When do your classes start?"

"Two weeks." She answered. She stood too, and began heading towards the door. Stopping at the doorway she turned back to me. "You're not going to try and cut my salary are you? Cause I'll have you know that I could charge some demon twice what you pay for my visions. Maybe three times."

"I wouldn't dare." I responded. She smiled, turning back towards the outer office. I looked back down at the papers on my desk, a smile lingering on my face.

A loud groan made me look up again. Cordelia was hanging onto the door frame with one hand, the other cradling her head. I jumped up, running to support her as the vision invaded her mind. Practically carrying her back to the couch, I settled her into it, sitting beside her and rubbing her back. She whimpered; lifting her head to look at me through pain filled eyes. There was a catch in her voice as she spoke. "Do you remember what island we sent those demons... people too?"

I didn't have to ask what demons. "Yes." A ball settled in the pit of my stomach at the thought that the Scourge had found them. "They were in your vision?"

"We have to go there." She answered firmly. "I didn't any danger. Just faces, their faces. But we have to go. I wouldn't have had a vision if they weren't in danger." She hesitated, dropping her head down to look at the floor. "It was just so fast, I could only pick out their faces."

"It's okay." I comforted her, knowing how afraid she was of missing something. "I'll go."

"I'm coming with you." She announced, her face determined as she looked at me. "Wesley can watch the phones."

"He won't be happy about that." I wasn't happy about letting her come, but I knew that she needed to see for herself that the people Doyle had given his life for were safe. That they were settled and happy on the small island that was their home. I understood that feeling, I felt like I could destroy the entire Scourge with my bare hands if they dared harm any of the Javaran.

"I don't care." She whispered. Covering her face with her hands she breathed in deeply. When she took her hands away, I was shocked at the fear and pain on her face. She tried to smile, but it never made it to her face. Reaching out she grabbed my hand, her voice full of some emotion I couldn't name as she spoke. "We have to make sure they're okay Angel."

"I know." I answered softly, reaching down to grab one of her hands in mine. "We will."

*~*~*~*~*~*
Part 11

Doyle--

I woke slowly, listening to the excited chatter of the children milling outside my window. They had started gathering there every morning, eager to start the day's lessons. To be honest, I was glad they did. It was impossible to feel sorry for myself around them. They wanted to know everything, and they wanted me to teach it to them.

It's a nice feeling, to be wanted. Even if it's only by children who don't know any better. In the two months since my classes started I've actually started to think that my life, such as it is, might be worthwhile. I'm not happy. I don't think that's in the cards for me anymore, but I'm content. I can see the years stretch out in front of me, teaching generation after generation of Javaran how to read, and to multiply, and anything else I can come up with, and I'm satisfied.

We're going to explore the caves on the other side of the island today, which explains the even earlier hour of the children's arrival outside my home. They've been looking forward to this trip for weeks. Reiff will be here soon, to force the children back to the fire for breakfast. He always does, giving me a few minutes to look at the world around me, and to push away all thoughts of the world that doesn't surround me anymore.

A soft rapping on my door interrupted my thoughts. I pulled a shirt over my head before opening the door. A small face peered up at me, her eyes sparkling. "Mr. Doyle? Is it time to go yet?"

"No." I smiled back at her. "You have to eat first."

"I packed food." She answered, holding out a ragged sack. "For you too."

"Belina." I shook my head, shrugging my shoulders helplessly as I motioned her into my cabin. "Would you like to have breakfast with me?"

Her only response was a rapid nodding of her head. Grinning, she set her sack carefully down on my table, and hopped into a chair. I moved quickly about my small kitchen, deciding that a cold breakfast would have to do. I didn't want to make the children wait much longer. Taking a loaf of bread off the shelf, I ripped it in half, offering one to Belina. She took it happily, biting into it before I had a chance to set the cheese and jam on the table.

"Piggie." I teased her, laughing softly as she blushed. "It's okay. I'm a pig too." I consoled her, taking my bread and stuffing it into my mouth.

She giggled, her little face scrunching up in a way that reminded me of Cordelia. In one of the few unguarded moments she had around me. My smile faded, and I looked away before Belina could see the sadness in my eyes. Getting up from the table, I held my hand out to help her down.

"Is it time?" She asked, her eyes glowing with excitement.

"It's time." I answered, swinging her up onto my shoulders and heading for the village fire.

Reiff had the children all gathered together by the time we reached them. They were silent, but almost quivering with anticipation. I smiled at them, leaning over so that Belina could slide off and join her friends. Reiff walked over to me, clamping one hand down on my shoulder.

I smiled at him, nodding slowly. Reiff may be young in years, but there's nothing young about his soul. He's the only one who truly understands how hard this is for me. How hard it is to smile, and to pretend that life is good. Maybe it's because before this island, he felt the same way. He raged against the unfairness of his appearance, the forced isolation, and the knowledge that outside his own species he would never be accepted.

This island is good for him. Away from the real world he's growing into the man he's supposed to be. But I worry whether this island will always be enough for him. He's so interested in everything, scooping up knowledge as quickly as I can feed it to him. He won’t go to school though, he thinks he's too old for it. Which is why I asked him to be my assistant, it's the only way I can make sure he gets as much of an education as I can give him.

Sometimes I toy with the idea of writing to Angel, not as myself, but pretending I'm one of the Javaren. Angel could get in touch with Harry, find out if there are any other demon communities in the world that would accept an outsider. I want Reiff to see more of the world that he can from here.

"Mr. Doyle?" Belina asked, stepping forward from the group. "Can we go now?"

"Yes." I answered, smiling at my charges. "Let's get on the road."

Reiff took the lead, taking two children by the hand. The others followed quickly, but Belina hovered back, waiting for me. She sidled up to me, slipping her small hand in mine. I held onto it, swinging my pack over my shoulder as we headed into the forest.

The children had enough questions to keep them from noticing how long we walked. Their appetite for information amazed me, as it always does. It took every inch of my intellect to come up with answers to their questions. Thankfully, Reiff fielded some of them.

We came upon the cave after two hours of travel. Cautioning the children to stick close to Reiff and I, we lit two torches and made our way inside. The children were as impressed as I'd hoped they'd be at the rock formations inside.

We spent two hours in the caves, only heading back when Reiff reminded me that we didn't want to be stuck in the forest after nightfall. It was different from LA, there weren't any demons, or humans to fear, but the animals native to our island could kill a small child easily.

"Okay guys, it's time to head back." I announced, smiling at Reiff when the children begged to stay.

"Can we come back?" One child asked, tugging at my sleeve as he spoke.

"Of course we can." Reiff answered for me, his face glowing with satisfaction. I frowned at him, turning away from the children to check for any belongings they had left behind. Once I was sure we had everything we headed off, the children singing loudly as they crashed through the forest.

Reiff hung back, trying to remain by my side. I ignored him, keeping my eyes on the children in front of us to make sure no one slipped from our trail.

"Doyle?" Reiff said eventually, "It's not so bad. Is it?"

I hesitated, almost tripping over a branch that lay broken on the forest floor. After I steadied myself I answered. "It's not good." I didn't have to clarify what he was asking about. He didn't ever ask about anything else, at least not with the tentative voice he asked this question. I tilted my head, looking at him through the corner of my eye. "But I like teaching. I like the children. They take my mind off what I don't have."

"Cordelia." He stated softly, like he was talking to himself. He nodded, chewing thoughtfully on his lip for a minute before speaking again. "Maybe one day you'll find someone else."

"I won't." I answered firmly, quickening my pace. He trotted after me, placing one hand on my arm to slow me down. I let him, checking to see that the children were all happily walking ahead of us. "Reiff, I appreciate what you're trying to do. But, as much as you want a happy ending for me, like you found on this island, it's not going to happen."

"You won't let it happen." He accused. "I think you like being miserable."

"What?" I questioned, my voice a low growl. "You think I like who I am? I don't. Do you think I liked losing the best friends I ever had? Do you think I like that I let them think I was dead?"

"No." He interrupted me, his voice shaking. "But I do think you're letting choices you already made prevent you from enjoying your life here." He took a deep breath and continued. "And I think you should either tell your friends you're alive, and deal with that, or forget about them."

"I can't ever forget." I whispered. "And I can't ever tell them I'm alive."

Reiff exhaled slowly, his eyes searching mine intently. He seemed to come to a decision finally, and his voice was much lighter when he spoke again. "You do like teaching though."

"I love teaching." I answered him truthfully. I did love it. It was the only thing I had worth hanging onto anymore. I watched as he sped up again, his shoulders rounded. I knew he was disappointed that I hadn't given him the answers he wanted to hear. I sped up, catching up with him easily. Tapping him on the shoulder, I smiled at him. "It's not so bad." I whispered.

He grinned, seeming to revert back to his true age in an instant. I nodded at him, grateful I could at least ease his mind, if not my own.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Part 12

Cordelia--

A small dingy brought us to shore a few hours after sunset, thankfully saving us from having to spend even one more minute in the dark, smelly, and very tiny room that had been home for the last four days. I was tired, grimy, and feeling totally unsettled as we left the ship behind us, heading across the beach to the thick line of trees. Angel pointed silently into the sky, showing me the thin streams of smoke that were trailing into the air from somewhere on the other side of the forest.

"Angel?" I whispered, my voice sounding unsure even to my own ears. My stomach was flipping around nervously, and I had to grip my hands tightly into fists to keep them from shaking.

"What?" He snapped, softening his voice at the last second, making the word draw out into a long sigh. "What?" He repeated gently.

I bit my lip, not really knowing what I wanted to say, or even that I had anything to say at all. Mostly I just wanted to feel close to him, to reassure myself that I wasn't totally alone in my need to protect these people that Doyle had died to save. At the same time, I needed to know that even here I would be okay, that I had made it through. Losing Doyle was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I was afraid I would make it even worse if I somehow failed these people. "Nothing." I mumbled, realizing there was no way I could make the jumble of my thoughts come out in a way that made sense.

A small smile of understanding lit Angel's lips. "I know." He stated, his brown eyes reflecting the light of the moon. "It brings it all back."

"We'll save them, right?" I asked, uncertainty lacing my voice. Laughing nervously, I corrected myself. "You'll save them."

"It'll be fine." He promised, taking my hand in his larger one, and leading us into the forest. I pulled away when we were in the shelter of the trees, content to let him lead the way. I followed his footsteps, tripping over rocks and branches along the way, but somehow staying on my feet.

We emerged into a clearing, still hidden back in the shadows of the trees. Our bodies stilled at the same time, our eyes widening at the scene in front of us. The village spread out in a large circle, buildings shaping the boundaries of their little town.

I stared in open-mouthed amazement at the scene in front of me, at the houses with their thick log walls, and the streets of green grass. It seemed impossible to believe that they had done so much in just a few months. Everything was very basic, but obviously made with great pride. I felt a little like I had just stepped back into the past, and any minute a cowboy would come riding along the road, his chaps white with dust from the trail.

There were people around, familiar faces that looked much happier than when I had last seen them. They laughed and joked as they passed each other, the smiles lingering long after they were alone again.

"Most of them are headed that way." Angel whispered, pointing to an area to the left of the village. "I'm going to follow them."

I nodded, setting out of the shadows after him. We kept to the edge of the forest, skirting around the sides of the fields they had planted and that were just beginning to sprout. Angel paused, becoming very still as he searched the night for danger. I waited for him, my eyes drifting up to the sky. The stars shone brightly down on me, and I closed my eyes, hoping that Doyle could see how much they had done with the gift he had given them. He would be proud of them.

Angel shifted, patting my arm as he started to move forward again. Motioning to the left, he herded me into a small grove of trees. It was only then that I smelled the smoke from their campfire. Following Angel and the smell to the other side of the trees, we peeked out. The villagers were sitting in a large circle around the fire, smiles wreathing their faces. I nudged Angel, whispering, "They don't look afraid."

He glared at me, pulling me further back into the trees before answering. "Don't talk. We don't want to frighten them."

"We're not going to frighten them." I argued in a low whisper. "They know us. We should just go over to them."

Angel shook his head. "I need to know if there's anything else out there. I want to make sure we're the only ones watching." His face hardened, becoming predatory. I shivered in the warm night air, feeling a thousand eyes crawling up my back.

I took a small step closer to Angel, scanning the darkness with him. Of course without the supernatural vision, all I saw other than the faces around the campfire were shadows and darkness. It was like the world ended outside the light from the fire.

We passed over an hour in silence, Angel continually searching for whatever it was we were here to find. He stiffened suddenly, his body tense and ready for battle beside me. I looked around, trying to search out the danger he was already sensing. My stomach began to roll again, and small beads of sweat dropped down between my shoulder blades, trickling down my spine. Angel moved slightly and I turned back to him, focusing on his face, and trusting that whatever it was he would protect me along with the others from it.

Angel reached out suddenly, his hand clamping over my mouth and dragging me further back into the shadow of the trees. He pulled us down into a crouch, his hand still tightly over my lips. I glared out into the darkness, but didn't struggle to get free.

Slowly, the sounds that had alerted him became clear to me. Feet, hooves, something, running through the woods, not caring how much noise it made. It was headed straight for us, and then for the campfire, and it was moving fast. I shrank back against Angel, trying to keep my limbs from shaking. Nausea swirled in my stomach, and I forced myself to breathe evenly.

It's funny, once the bad guys arrive, I never remember what this feels like, I'm never really afraid. But, before they do, the waiting part, terrifies me. It makes me feel like my limbs will never support me again, and that every bad thought I've ever thought about myself is true. I always feel that I'm a coward, that this shaking person is the real me. She's not. Once the demons arrive, I'll be fine. It does help having Angel around. Who's afraid of a little demon when you've seen him kill things that your worst nightmares could never have dreamed up?

Angel moved again, releasing my mouth and pulling me around beside him. I stared at him with wide eyes and he lifted one finger to cover his lips. I frowned at him, like I couldn't get that I needed to be quiet from the muzzle his hand just turned into?

The sounds from the woods grew louder, branches snapping as they pushed ever closer to us. They were yelling, the sound of voices carrying even if the words didn't. I swallowed heavily, biting down hard on my lip.

Angel leaned forward, his eyes glowing a soft yellow. His body lifted slightly in preparation. I was tense beside him, my fingers searching the ground for something I could use as a weapon. A rock was stuck partly in the ground beneath my fingers, and I dug around it, struggling to free it, and not alert anyone of our presence at the same time.

When I finally freed it, the footfall was almost to us. I shifted, bouncing slightly to prepare to move. Angel reached out, putting a warning hand on my leg and shaking his head. I closed my eyes, nodding my agreement that I would wait for him.

The voices grew louder, three distinct sounds. I tilted my head, trying to make out the words, but the most I could come up with was 'Belina.'

Angel frowned, his fingers digging into my leg. I pushed them away, shaking my head at him. His face softened, the predatory look fading into puzzlement. He stood, holding out his hand to help me up as the footsteps raced past us, happy voices calling out to the people at the fire.

"Oh great." I chastised Angel, holding out my dirty hands for him to see. "It was a bunch of kids. Some evil hunter you are."

Angel shook his head, still looking puzzled. "Something didn't smell right. It was familiar, but...I don't know, I don't think I've ever smelled it that strongly before."

"Do you know what it was?" I asked quietly, remembering that we were supposed to be hiding out.

"No." Angel shrugged, turning towards the fire. "Let's just go tell them we're here."

"I won't say that I wanted to do that from the beginning." I muttered, brushing dirt off my legs and hands as we left the cover of the trees and began to make our way across the clearing. We walked slowly, keeping our hands swinging loosely by our sides as we closed the distance.

They stood as one, their voices rising in confusion as they watched our approach. Towards the back of the group there was a flurry of activity, as if someone was afraid of us and trying to get away. My eyes darted over to Angel, to make sure he was seeing what I was seeing.

The look on his face surprised me. It was a strange mix of anger and happiness, his lips turning up into a fond smile even as his eyes flashed with rage. I lifted one eyebrow, questioning him silently. He looked down at me, closing his eyes for a moment as if he was in pain. "I have to make sure."

"Make sure of what?" I asked, running now to keep up with him as he made his way through the villagers, not stopping to greet any of them. In the back of my mind I wondered why they didn't look surprised, not at our appearance, or at the speed Angel was moving through the crowd. "Sorry." I mumbled to a young boy who I almost ran into. I looked at him,
recognizing the confused teenager Doyle had brought to the ship. "Reiff."

"Cordelia." He greeted me, taking my hand in his. He moved forward, as if he could lead me away from Angel's direction. I yanked my hand away, frowning at him in confusion. He grimaced, his eyes darting in Angel's direction and then back to me. "It might be best if you wait. Let Angel tell you later what happened."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded, my heart starting to pound loudly in my chest. Spinning around I took off after Angel, my feet barely touching the ground as I caught up with him. Reiff followed close behind me, his pleas for me to stop continuing.

I came up to a smaller fire, hidden behind the bigger one. Angel was standing on one side, and on the other stood a man hidden in the shadows. Angel moved forward, his whole body exuding anger. I watched him in shock, my body moving numbly forward so that I could see what he saw.

Angel shifted when he heard me come up behind him. Shaking his head at me, he spoke. "Go with Reiff. I'll explain it to you later."

"Explain what?" I asked in a low voice. My skin was littered with goose bumps, and my mouth was dry. "Why are you so angry?"

"Cordelia." Angel pleaded, but I shook my head.

"We're a team Angel. I don't go anywhere." I stated, crossing my arms defiantly and staring him down.

He nodded finally, turning back to the figure on the other side of the fire. "How could you?" He asked it, his voice thick with anger and hurt. "How could you do this to me, and even more, how could you do this to her?"

The figure stirred, his voice thick and gravely as he answered. "It was for the best." I started trembling then, hearing the familiar lilt underneath the gravel. My eyes filled with tears and I reached out to hold onto Angel.

"Why?" Angel asked rapidly.

"You know Angel. You smelled me." The voice, I couldn't say his name, I was afraid to even think it, answered. "I don't have any humanity left."

"So you let us think you were dead?" Angel growled, pulling me behind him as he stalked around the fire. "How is that better?"

"Doyle?" I whimpered, as my throat closed over with unshed tears. The firelight illuminated his face, showing every spike, and every tint of blue in perfect clarity. I swallowed, tilting my head to look at Angel. "Is it Doyle?"

There was a harsh intake of breath from the figure, and I pursed my lips, knowing that I had hurt him. Angel nodded, his eyes understanding as I stared into them. Finally I turned back, my eyes finding Doyle's in the darkness. I sniffed, letting go of Angel's hand and moving forward, stopping just in front of him.

Doyle didn't move, I didn't even see him breath. I stared at him, a smile spreading across my face as tears spilled from my eyes. Reaching out I let my hand hover in the air by his hand; afraid if I touched him he would disappear into a dream. "You're alive." I whispered in a voice filled with awe. "You're alive."

"Not really Princess." He replied, taking a step backwards away from me.

His calm voice felt like a punch. I had dreamed of seeing him again, of getting a chance to tell him everything I hadn't before, and now I had to face the fact that I had mourned for nothing. For some reason he had chosen to leave us, me, behind. My eyes narrowed, and I understood Angel's anger of a few minutes ago. He was alive. He had been alive all along. Rage flew through my veins, hardening my skin as I stared at him. "How could you? We mourned for you. We still mourn for you."

"I couldn't ruin your life." He whispered, his head bowing down. "I'm nothing now Cordy."

I looked at him, my vision blurred with tears. "You weren't ever anything." I told him viciously, my hand raising as if I would hit him. Angel grabbed my hand, his fist closing around mine. I let him; my eyes still focused only on Doyle. "I wish I'd never found out you were still alive."

Swinging around I ripped my arm from Angel's, not caring about anything but getting away. Tears filled my throat, and my eyes, spilling down my cheeks as I ran. How could he have done this to me? It felt like I was being torn in half, with one side wanting to run back to him, to hug him and beg him never to leave me again. The other half was furious; his betrayal cut so deep that I didn’t think I could ever recover from it. The only thing I knew was that I would never understand how he could have been so cruel to us.

Finding shelter underneath a tree, I collapsed on the ground, for once not caring if anyone heard me cry.

CONTINUES