Prologue
March 4, 1999
The cave was dark, like something out of her worst nightmares, with
the smell of
blood thick in the air. Cordelia moved towards the wall, dragging Xander's
limp
body behind her. Leaning against the cold dirt wall, she pulled his
body into
her lap, tears mixing with the blood on her face. She looked up, seeing
Buffy
and Giles still battling, the Slayer moving with inhuman quickness
as she tried
to free Willow from the demon's grasp. It was over though, Cordelia
knew that,
there was no way that Buffy could defeat the demon, so she waited,
her hands
smoothing back the blood-soaked hair from Xander's face, for death.
Everyone had fought hard, giving everything they had, but the demon
was too
strong for them, Oz had fallen first, the demon throwing him up into
the air
like a ball, and laughing as he fell onto the floor and didn't move.
Angel had
fallen next, giving the demon more of a fight, but still losing. The
vampire lay
close to Cordelia, no movement at all in his body. Cordelia looked
down at
Xander, his features distorted by the swelling, the blood pouring in
never
ending rivers down his face. She shifted, leaning her head down so
that she
could hear him breath, ignoring the pain in every inch of her body
as she moved.
"Slayer, you have to choose." The demon growled the glow of his eyes
the only
light in the cave. "What can you give up?"
Buffy looked from the demon to her Watcher, her face imploring him to
help her.
Cordelia watched the Slayer struggle to comprehend what the demon wanted
from
her. She looked down at the man in her arms; fresh tears sliding down
her face
as she kissed the battered face of the man she loved. Nothing else
mattered now,
not finding him kissing Willow, or the fact that he didn't love her
the way she
loved him, the only thing that mattered was holding him as their lives
ended.
"Slayer." The demon warned, his body growing larger as the few conscious
members
of the group stared in horror. "What will you give up so that you may
live? So
that your friends may live. You have to choose one."
"I don't understand." Buffy cried, moving towards the demon. "You want
me to
choose, but I don't understand what."
"I gave you a list." The demon answered, "Love, knowledge, loyalty,
kindness,
strength, happiness or truth. Give one of them up."
Buffy turned to Giles once more, the Watcher shrugging his shoulders
helplessly,
his face agonized. Spinning around Buffy's eyes stopped on Angel's
body, her
eyes burning as she looked at him. As she looked away, Cordelia knew
Buffy's
decision, knew what she would give up, what the Slayer had already
given up. Her
hand rested softly on Xander's head as the Slayer spoke. "Happiness.
I'll give
up happiness. Now let my friends go."
The demon laughed, the sound filling the cave. Cordelia put her hands
over her
ears, unable to bear the sound. Tossing Willow towards the Slayer the
demon
moved towards Cordelia, his face lit with glee. Reaching down, he ripped
Xander
from her arms, batting away her fists with ease. She screamed, begging
for help,
her fingers grasping at Xander's legs as the demon disappeared in a
burst of
flame.
She was still screaming when Giles carried her from the cave. And she
wasn't
sure she had ever stopped.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Xander opened his eyes, reaching up to feel his face, the pain shooting
through
him. He touched the new scars there, surprised that the wounds had
healed. He
tried to focus his eyes, tried to see the hospital room that he was
in, but all
he could see was darkness. Placing his hands down, he stopped, a sick
feeling
rising in his stomach as his fingers dug into the damp ground.
Pulling his hands back to his side, he shifted, struggling to a sitting
position, his back leaning against the freezing wall. He concentrated,
trying to
make out the room, but all he saw was black. Moving slowly, he slid
himself
around the room, feeling for a door, or a person. But there was nothing
there,
no one there. His thoughts were frantic as he tried to remember the
battle, to
figure out if the others had escaped. He had dim flashes of Cordelia,
her
beautiful face full of blood, and the screams pouring from her mouth.
He could
see Oz being flung into the air and Angel lying unconscious on the
floor. But
Buffy and Giles had still been fighting, and Buffy never lost.
Slumping back against the wall, his head spinning, he wondered how long
it would
take for her to rescue him. His fingers moved unwillingly to touch
his face
again, to feel the wounds that had already healed, his stomach clenching
at the
thought that maybe there was no one left to save him.
That was when he knew he wasn't alone. He could feel the presence slithering
through the room, its evil caressing his face. He shivered, opening
his mouth to
speak when a breeze passed over his face, stealing his voice.
"You are mine now."
The words filled his head, choking his thoughts as his stomach revolted,
trying
to force out what little there was in his stomach. The demon spoke
again, his
laughter echoing off the walls.
"All laughter is mine. It will feed me. You will feed me."
Xander moved, trying to get to his feet, but was pushed back, claws
digging into
him as he fell. Opening his mouth to scream in terror, his heart stopped
when
the sound that came from him, the only sound that would come from him
for the
next five years, was laughter.
April 15, 1999
Cordelia screamed continually, her voice hoarse and barely audible,
but unable
to stop. Struggling against the restraints that held her she called
out his
name, her back arching as she tried to break free.
Tears streamed down her face as she felt him being pulled from her arms
again,
her mind recoiling against the images that flooded it. She took a deep
breath,
her throat raw and aching as she howled again. She couldn't stop, she
would
never be able to stop, never be able to forget the horror of that moment.
Her mouth opened wider, the screams pouring out of their own free will
now,
leaving her mind empty. There was nothing there, nothing to be salvaged
in the
wreck. Everything she was slipped away, leaving only him. His face,
his eyes,
the wounds that had bled on her as he lay in her lap. These were the
things she
knew. These were the things that mattered. All the money, looks and
popularity
didn't mean anything, could never mean anything again.
There was only that moment, only that night. She lived it over and over
again,
searching for a way it could be different, a way he could still be
here. It
played in her mind constantly, Xander throwing himself in the demon's
path to
protect her, and the demon hitting him until he had fallen slowly to
the floor.
The smell of blood still filled her nostrils, his blood, pouring down
his face
and onto her body as she held him.
Her screams grew louder, her stomach muscles tight and sore as she continued.
She loved him and she never told him. He was gone, taken into the demon's
lair
and he didn't know that she loved him, that she was sorry she hadn't
told him
she had forgiven him. Sobbing brokenly, she fought harder against the
ties,
desperate to get out, to find him and prove to him how much she loved
him. And
she screamed.
~ Something went wrong, and you're not laughing.
It's so hard now to get you to speak. ~ Adam Cohen, Cry Ophelia
May 7, 2004
The apartment was drab, empty of everything but the basic necessities.
And
books. There were books covering almost every available inch, old books
that
filled the room with a musty smell. The only thing that looked even
remotely new
was her computer that sat in the corner, softly humming as it awaited
its next
command.
Cordelia looked over at it occasionally, holding back her desire to
throw
something at it. She turned back to her book, sighing in frustration
as she
flung it to the ground, not caring that it had taken half of this month's
allowance from her Father to get her hands on it. What mattered was
that it
didn't tell her what she needed to know. It didn't tell her where and
how she
could find Xander. And if it couldn't do that, then it was worthless
to her.
She reached down, grabbing another book from the shipment she had received
only
the night before. Settling back into her chair with a sigh, her eyes
burning as
she began to read, barely noticing as the sun set and another day ended.
The book was open in her lap when she woke, the morning sun streaming
in through
the small window in her apartment. Standing up, she let it drop to
the floor,
her vision still blurry from sleep as she headed towards the kitchen.
She walked down the hallway, not noticing the mirror that her Mother
had hung
there in a vain attempt to make her daughter care about her appearance
again.
Cordelia never looked in it, never cared to see her face. She knew
she was
beautiful, even now, without make-up and her hair dull and lifeless,
but what
she didn't understand anymore was why it mattered. Entering the kitchen
she made
a full pot of coffee, and waiting impatiently for it to finish brewing.
Heading back to her chair with her coffee in hand, she sat down with
the book
again, sighing softly as she stared dejectedly at the pages in front
of her.
Swallowing the despair that always lurked around her, she focused her
eyes on
the book. It was noon before she looked up, her eyes bloodshot. Five
years, she
thought wearily, I've been doing this for five years. Maybe the others
were
right; maybe Xander was lost to them forever. Cordelia straightened
her
shoulders, anger rising in her at the thought. She wouldn't give up;
she would
never give up, not until he was back.
Picking up her notes, she thought about what she had been able to figure
out,
not that it had been hard considering what had happened after Xander
was taken.
Happiness, she thought longingly, Xander was their happiness. The entire
group
had a role, a purpose, something that they had given, and Xander's
was
happiness. She thought back to the day they had figured that out, five
years
ago, when she hadn't been the only one who thought Xander could be
saved.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
April 29, 1999
Willow looked up slowly from her computer, her face pale as she considered
the
people sitting there. "What if we can't save him?"
Her question was directed at Buffy and Giles, but Cordelia answered,
stepping
into the library for the first time since Xander had been taken, her
face hard
as she spoke. "We can. We will."
The rest of the group looked at her in surprise, jumping from their
chairs to
move towards her.
"Cordelia, you're out of the hospital?" Buffy asked, leading the brunette
to a
chair. "How are you?"
"Not screaming out loud anymore," Cordelia answered blankly, her eyes
dead as
she stared at Buffy. "I want to help. I need to help."
"Cordelia, you're still weak," Giles replied, "You've had quite an ordeal."
"I lost it," Cordelia stated plainly, wanting to get all the awkwardness
out of
the way. "You can say it. Cordelia Chase had a breakdown. But I'm better
now. I
understand now."
"Understand what?" Oz asked slowly, standing behind Willow.
"What I have to do," Cordelia said calmly. "I have to find him, save
him." She
looked around at nervous faces surrounding her. "What have you got?"
"Umm..." Willow murmured her face full of pain as she met Cordelia's
eyes. "Not
much. We can't seem to find anything on this demon. We don't even have
his
name."
"Oh." Cordelia breathed, her determination weakening for a moment, before
she
straightened her shoulders and nodded. "I think I have something."
"What?" Buffy whispered, moving to stand in front of Cordelia.
"Heard any good jokes lately?" Cordelia inquired. At their looks of
worry and
confusion she continued. "I'll bet you haven't. I'll bet there hasn't
been
anything funny at all."
"We've been worried." Buffy said, her face showing her puzzlement. "Without
Xander, there isn't much to laugh at."
"There's nothing." Cordelia answered, seeing the realization spreading
across
Giles's face. She turned, directing her words to him. "Do you see what
happened?"
"It isn't possible," Giles muttered, his face going pale.
"But it is. The demon didn't just take him."
"It took happiness." Giles finished, looking at her in disbelief.
Cordelia let out a soft sigh, relieved that he understood, that she
wasn't going
to have to convince them that it wasn't just breakdown girl talking.
Her eyes
bore into Giles as she spoke. "Exactly. No one laughs, no one smiles.
Not even
at the nuthouse," she paused, feeling the cringes of the people around
her.
Looking away from Giles she locked eyes with the three remaining Scooby
members.
"I am not crazy. Think about it, have you heard any laughter in the
halls? At
the Bronze? Have you watched a comedy and felt nothing?"
"But..." Willow started, her face falling.
"There are no buts Willow." Cordelia interrupted her. "There's just
nothing
happy in Sunnydale anymore."
"Just Sunnydale?" Giles spoke almost to himself.
"My parents took me to LA, to celebrate, or maybe forget, my return
to sanity.
There was laughter there." Cordelia felt her eyes burning with tears
as she
continued. "But not here. And no one seems to notice. It's like it
never
existed."
"Why?" Buffy asked Giles solemnly.
"I'm...I'm not sure." Giles answered, heading for his office. "I'll
get my
books."
"The demon could have taken any of us." Cordelia whispered, watching
Giles walk
away. The pieces fell into place as she turned to look sadly at Buffy.
"If you
had picked knowledge, it would have taken Giles."
Willow stared at Cordelia, her face stricken as she continued the line
of
thought. "We each represented one thing. Xander was happiness, and
Angel was..."
"Angel was love." Cordelia finished, her gaze still locked on Buffy.
"When you
think of Angel, you think of love. I know there's other things, but
mainly
there's love." She shrugged her shoulders slightly, not wanting Buffy
to feel
responsible. "I guess we all had something to offer you."
The Slayer sagged, sitting down weakly in a chair, her eyes swimming
with tears.
"I did this?"
"No." Cordelia replied slowly, ignoring her anger at the Slayer. "You
didn't
know. None of us did."
"But if I had picked something else?"
"Then someone else would be gone." Oz filled in, his arms wrapped tightly
around
Willow. "You would be gone if you picked strength, Willow if you picked
kindness."
"I guess that makes me truth." Cordelia whispered.
"You never lie. Even when it hurts." Buffy said sadly, tears falling
down her
face. "I should have picked strength."
Cordelia watched Buffy carefully, seeing the guilt settling heavily
on the
Slayer's shoulders. The brunette spoke finally, her voice empty of
emotion. "You
didn't know. That's all there is to it. And I need you; I need your
strength to
save Xander. I need all of you to save him."
"We will." Buffy promised grimly, wiping her tears away.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
May 7, 2004
But they hadn't saved him. They had searched every book, gone back to
the cave
countless times and still nothing. And now she was the only one who
still
believed that he could be saved, that he was still alive somewhere,
hoping that
they would come for him.
She put her hands over her face as the tears swam in her eyes, imagining
all the
horrors that he must be going through. All the horrors that he had
suffered for
over five years now. And she hadn't accomplished anything except convincing
her
parents and the few friends she had that she was unstable. There were
times when
she wanted to give in, to relax and let their belief carry her, but
when it came
down to it, she always continued the search. Reminding herself that
it wasn't
only her loss that mattered.
She had seen too much in the time he had been gone, had watched as happiness
disappeared and was replaced with nothing. She had witnessed the closing
of the
Bronze, and the increase in liquor stores as people searched for something
they
didn't even remember losing. She had stood on street corners and cried
as
children walked silently to school and playgrounds lay deserted.
Worst of all, she had stood silently by as her friends gave up their
dreams. Oz
first, the werewolf giving up on his guitar, the challenge no longer
fun. And
Giles, he practically lived at the library now, but rarely read. He
just sat in
his office, waiting for news of the latest threat.
Not that the threats came as often now, the demons as affected by the
lack of
happiness as the rest of them. If there was one blessing from losing
Xander,
that was it. And she would give it up gladly to have him back. She
would risk
the entire world daily if it meant that there was a reason to live
again.
A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts, and she wiped the tears
away,
pulling her hair back into a ponytail as she wondered idly whose turn
it was to
check up on poor Cordelia.
Pulling the door open she stared blankly into Buffy's worried face.
"I'm fine.
Don't worry." She moved to shut the door again, but Buffy blocked it,
pushing
her way past Cordelia and into the apartment.
Turning Buffy looked pleadingly at her, "Cordy, please. You've got to
get help.
He's not coming back."
"He is." Cordelia said, her voice icy as she glared at the Slayer. "You
may not
care, or even want him back, but I do."
"I want him back as much as you do, but it's not going to happen." Buffy
answered softly, her voice full of pity.
"Really?" Cordelia inquired, her tone disbelieving. "But if he comes
back, you
lose your love."
Buffy took a step backwards, her face showing the guilt she still felt
over
being with Angel. "That's not fair."
"Not fair?" Cordelia spat, moving to point out of the window. "And that
is fair?
The playgrounds getting rusty? The kids with their blank faces? Buffy,
there are
children in Sunnydale that have never laughed. What about them? How
can you just
give up on Xander, when giving up on him means giving up on happiness?"
"We tried." Buffy whispered, looking sadly out of the window. "You know
we
tried."
"But we didn't succeed." Running her fingers over her face, she began
again.
"How can you just let this be? How can you give up happiness? Everyone's
happiness and not fight against it?" Buffy didn't reply, so Cordelia
continued,
"You got Angel, you lie in his arms every day, but you're not happy.
You don't
ever get to look at him and just smile because you love him so much."
"Cordy..." Buffy pleaded again.
"No. I can't give up." Her voice was loud, bitterness vivid in every
word. "Not
on Xander and not on happiness. You can accept it, live without it,
but I can't.
I won't. Ever." Cordelia raged at her, knowing that it wouldn't make
any
difference, that it never made any difference. It was always the same
argument,
no matter who she said it to. They never seemed to hear her, never
seemed to be
able to remember what happiness was, or how much they had lost when
they lost
Xander.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
November 16, 2001
Cordelia sat at her computer, her face pursed tightly as she tried to
find
information Willow could have had in a minute. Gritting her teeth,
she closed
her eyes, refusing to think about why Willow wasn't doing this.
She looked up when she heard her door squeak open, her face blank as
she stared
at the girl standing in her doorway. "Yes?"
"Cordelia." Willow began slowly, her voice calm. "Won't you come?"
"Why? He's not dead. I'm not going to a memorial for someone who's still
alive."
Cordelia's voice was cool, her expression not betraying the depression
she felt.
She considered Willow carefully, trying to find any hint of doubt in
the other
girl. "How can you be going?"
"Because I need to say goodbye to him." Willow whispered, her voice
sad. "You
need to say goodbye to him."
"I'm going to find him." Cordelia replied softly, looking away from
the redhead
and back to the computer. She couldn't talk to Willow anymore, could
barely talk
to any of them. They had all changed so much since Xander was lost;
it was more
than losing him, more than losing happiness. It was as if some important
part of
each of them were missing. Willow wasn't as kind as she once was, her
impatience
with Cordelia's refusal to let go of Xander had built a wall between
them that
Cordelia didn't know how to cross.
"Why are you doing this?" Willow begged, her eyes frustrated as she
walked over
to sit on the edge of Cordelia's bed, picking up one of the pictures
of Xander
that crowded the night table and looking at it. "Why?"
Cordelia swallowed, knowing there was no answer that would make Willow
understand. She had fought for nights with all of them about the importance
of
getting Xander back, had cried and screamed at them, but nothing worked.
They
sat there with their calm faces and dismissed her. She knew what they
said about
her when she wasn't there, poor Cordelia, she's never recovered from
losing him;
it's such a shame. Blowing out a slow breath she turned to face Willow,
her
voice resigned as she replied, "I have to. I know he's somewhere waiting
for us
to find him. I know this more than I know anything."
"How do you know?" Willow asked, her anger breaking free as she stood.
"How
could you know? I was his best friend. I was the person he counted
on more than
anyone, and I am the person who would know if he was still alive."
Cordelia nodded, her fingers moving over the computer again, blocking
Willow
from her mind and her thoughts as she began searching again.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
"He's dead."
Willow, Xander thought, opening his eyes and searching the room for
her face. He
pulled himself into a sitting position, ignoring the pain in his bruised
and
broken body as he called out to her, and laughed.
"He's dead."
Buffy's voice repeated the same words, and Xander struggled harder,
trying to
force words out of his mouth as the sounds of laughter filled the cell.
"You can be with Angel."
No, no, no, Xander cried out, his words changing into chuckles. Buffy's
face
appeared in his mind, her eyes tired as she spoke again. "It doesn't
seem
right."
"Happiness died with Xander. Angel won't lose his soul." Willow replied,
her
voice empty.
"But, what if..." Buffy began.
"He's dead." Willow whispered, her face forming in Xander's mind, grief
etched
into her features as she spoke to Buffy. "We have to move on. He's
gone, and we
have to live."
Xander crouched in the corner, his hands covering his eyes, but that
didn't stop
the images flooding his head. He shook his head, trying to make the
images stop
as the demon grabbed his feet, pulling him into the middle of the room.
"You're dead to them." The demon laughed, his voice echoing in Xander's head.
He opened his eyes, forcing himself to look into the demon's face. Why?
He
needed to know why this was happening, why did they think he was dead?
He was
here, there was no body, nothing that could have proven to them he
was gone. Why
would they give up?
"They don't believe you're alive anymore." The demon said gleefully,
his claws
running almost gently down Xander's side.
He tried to move away, pain blurring his mind as the demon's claws dug
deeper,
blood spilling on the dirt floor. He wanted to fight with the demon,
deny the
words he was speaking, but he could see them. He watched as Willow
and Buffy
accepted his death and moved on. His heart shattered in his chest,
the physical
pain fading in the agony of knowing that there was no hope for him
now. No one
would be coming to rescue him, they would live the rest of their lives
without
him and he would suffer.
"You're all mine now. All of it is mine." The demon whispered, pulling
Xander to
his feet. "You will make me strong again, and I will be free."
Xander giggled softly, his body dangling in the demon's grasp. The demon
looked
at him, his eyes glowing as he tightened his grip on Xander's hands.
"Then they
will know they were wrong. Then they will know that you lived. But
it will be to
late and it all will be mine."
The demon flung him into the corner, laughing as Xander's body crumpled
into a
heap on the floor. "But don't worry, I'll let you watch them. I'll
let you see
the life they have without you. I'll let you see how little you meant
to them."
Xander didn't move, he couldn't have if he wanted to. He lay silently
as images
of his friends flooded his head, as he watched his own funeral, and
watched them
say good-bye to him. Then he prayed, but for the first time since he
had waken
in this cell, he didn't pray for rescue, he prayed for death.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
May 7, 2004
Cordelia stood at her window long after Buffy left. She shook her head
slightly;
things had only gotten worse after they had held the memorial for Xander.
Willow
could barely bring herself to talk to Cordelia, and the rest of them
handled her
with kid gloves, afraid of what she was going to do.
She walked back over to her books, picking one up and sitting back in
her chair
to begin reading again. She was silent as another day faded away, the
only sound
in her apartment the turning of the pages.
She barely noticed the verse when she first read it, never expecting
to find
anything anymore. But it tugged at her mind and she stopped, her heart
racing as
she read the passage again.
When knowledge knows nothing.
And kindness and loyalty are lost.
If truth can smile,
While happiness weeps.
If love can lose,
And strength retreat.
When the sun rises,
Laughter will reign,
But if truth falters,
Only lies remain.
Cordelia sat quietly, wondering if she dared even hope. Her mouth moved
silently
as she read the passage again, wishing that Giles were here to help
her with its
meaning.
She stood suddenly; her eyes feverish as she quickly left the apartment
and
headed towards the library.
"I found it." Cordelia said calmly, trying to keep her fear and worry hidden.
Giles looked up distractedly from the book he was reading; his face
quickly
taking on the expression of pity that they all looked at her with.
"Found what
Cordelia?"
Taking a deep breath she held the book out to him, her hand only shaking
slightly. She waited silently while he read it, his face paling. "Well?"
"It seems...it seems as if you may have found something." Giles announced,
looking slightly shocked. "I'll have to study it further."
"You won't find anything." Cordelia answered, her voice determined.
"It's time.
I know it. It's time for us to save him."
"No. Not this again Cordelia." Willow's voice was harsh as she walked
into the
library, her eyes blazing as she faced Cordelia. "You are not going
to save him.
Xander is dead. You are not. You've got to move on."
"I found something." Cordelia began, ignoring the anger in Willow's
words as she
walked towards the redhead.
"It doesn't matter. He is gone. Forever." Willow yelled at her. "I've
watched
you drive yourself crazy for five years now Cordelia and it's over."
Cordelia turned to look at her, the anger finally registering in her
brain.
Whispering almost under her breath. "And kindness and loyalty are lost."
"Stop it Cordy." Willow shouted, moving close to the brunette. "I'm
not kind all
of the time. We are not just one trait. You are not truth. Look at
yourself. You
don't even see your own truth. You've spent five years searching for
a person
who didn't even..." Willow's voice trailed off as color flooded her
face.
Cordelia nodded slowly, saying the words that Willow couldn't. "A person
who
didn't even love me." She walked closer to Willow, her face calm. "I
know that.
I know he didn't love me the way I wanted him to. I've always known
that. But it
doesn't matter, this is about more than love."
"Happiness." Willow spat bitterly.
"I know you don't see it Willow. I know that life feels normal to you,
but it
isn't. I mean look at you, all you ever do is work and research, when
was the
last time you and Oz went out? And Oz, he doesn't even play guitar
anymore."
"I wasn't any good at it." Oz offered, holding Willow's hand tightly.
"You never were." Cordelia threw at him. "But you enjoyed it. You had
fun
playing in the band. It made you happy."
"I grew up."
"We all grew up Cordy. Now you have to. Let this go, let us help you."
Willow
pleaded with her.
"But I found it Willow. I know that he can be saved." Cordelia pleaded with her.
"I'm sorry." Willow said, her face hardening. "I can't watch you do
this to
yourself anymore."
The redhead turned and walked slowly out of the library, Oz following
behind her
with a sad look at Cordelia. She watched them go, moving to run after
them until
she recalled the verse. She stopped, the door swinging behind Oz. "It's
time."
She whispered softly, praying for the strength to save Xander.
"I'm sorry Cordelia. I can't find anything that would indicate that
the verse
has anything to do with Xander." Giles said, exiting his office.
Cordelia spun around, not bothering to argue with him, just nodding
her head as
she grabbed the book and ran from the library. She moved quickly through
the
town, the sun setting as she made her way to the Slayer's.
She paused outside of Buffy's house, her stomach clenching at what she
was about
to do. Taking a deep breath she rang the doorbell.
The door was pulled open slowly, and guilt flooded through her as she
looked up
into the dark eyes of Buffy's lover. "Angel. I...I found something."
Angel nodded, his eyes worried as he led her into the living room, calling
for
Buffy. Cordelia sat down nervously on the edge of the couch, her hands
damp
against the book.
Buffy walked into the room, her eyes brightening as she saw Cordelia.
"You came
out. I'm so glad."
"Stop." Cordelia whispered, knowing that Buffy would wish she hadn't
come soon
enough. "I'm not...this isn't a social visit. I found a way to save
him. I think
I did anyway. And you need to know. Because...because when he comes
back..." She
looked pleadingly at the couple in front of her. "There will be happiness
again."
"No." Buffy breathed, her hand reaching out for Angel. "Cordy, he can't
be
saved."
"I found a verse. I know how to do it." Cordelia said slowly. "But I
need your
help."
"Cordelia..." Angel began slowly, his arm wrapped protectively around
his
girlfriend. "We would have saved him if we could. We didn't want Xander
to pay
for our love with his life."
"But Xander died, and we didn't. You didn't." Buffy continued for him,
her face
full of grief.
"If love can lose, and strength retreat..." Cordelia recited, looking
at the
faces of her friends. "Can you do that? If I can save him, can you
do that? Will
you give up each other for him?"
Angel and Buffy were silent for a moment, looking at each other. Turning
back to
Cordelia they nodded, their voices muted as they answered. "Yes."
"But Cordy, he's not coming back." Buffy added sadly, her eyes full
of pity as
she looked at Cordelia.
"I'm sorry." Cordelia stood up, ignoring Buffy's words as she walked
towards the
door. "I wish there was another way."
"Where are you going?" Angel asked her, standing in the doorway with Buffy.
"To save him." She answered with a shrug.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
She made her way carefully into the cave, her heart pounding loudly
inside her
ears. Walking to the spot where he had been torn from her arms five
years ago.
Kneeling down, she placed her hand on the damp ground, whispering softly.
"Okay
Xander, I found the verse. I know you're here, but how do I find you?"
Standing again, she walked further into the cave, listening intently
for any
sound. She was almost at the furthest wall when she heard a voice behind
her.
"Cordelia wait."
She turned, her eyes locking on the Slayer's, waiting for her to continue.
"You can't do this. It's too dangerous. I read the whole verse. Do you
know what
happens if you fail?"
"Then only lies remain." Cordelia whispered, her voice dull.
"Cordy, please. We can't lose you too. Not if losing you means losing
truth. You
can't take that risk." Buffy pleaded with her, Angel appearing behind
his
girlfriend.
"I can. I am. Buffy, I'm already gone. I was never truth for you. Willow
was
right, I wasn't even truth for me."
"But imagine what it will be like, if you fail. There will be no honesty,
no
belief in anything." Buffy continued, moving closer to the brunette.
Cordelia hesitated, her eyes filling with tears as she stared at her
friend.
Shaking them off, she responded vehemently. "You'll deal with it. You
managed to
make losing happiness work for you, I'm sure you can do the same with
truth."
"I'm sorry Cordy. I'm sorry that losing him hurt you so badly. I'm sorry
that
Angel and I are together because he's gone. I'm sorry for everything."
Buffy
whispered, her arms reaching out to hold Cordelia, wrapping her arms
around the
brunette as she whispered, "And I'm sorry for this." The Slayer's arms
tightened
around Cordelia as she pulled her from the cave.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Xander woke in the same darkness that had surrounded him for as long
as he could
remember. He moved slowly around the small cell that was his home,
his fingers
running along the walls, still hopeful that someday, someway, there
would be a
weakness. He stared helplessly at the one opening, knowing the chains
that bound
his wrists wouldn't reach that far. And even if they did, the demon
waited on
the other side.
He slumped, his eyes filling with tears, but when he opened his mouth
to cry, a
soft laugh came out. Cringing, he shut his mouth, the sound of his
own laughter
sending chills through him. And he had heard it often; every cry of
pain was a
laugh, every word a giggle. When he pleaded all that came out was helpless
laughter. And he didn't believe anymore that he would ever hear anything
else.
He could still remember when he believed he would be saved, when he
had thought
that Buffy would come for him. He was best friends with a super-hero,
so there
was no way he was stuck here. They wouldn't ever give up on him.
That was before the torture had begun, before the beast had begun his
games.
Everything structured to cause him as much torment as possible without
killing
him. And Xander wanted to die, prayed for death every day, but had
no hope of it
ever arriving. Sometimes he wondered how long he had been here, how
long since
he had seen the sun. How long since someone had spoken to him? How
long since he
had spoken?
He thought of his friends, the demon's greatest torment was letting
him see into
their lives, into their hearts. He had watched helplessly as Buffy
and Angel had
made love, and moved in together, his heart screaming as they accepted
their
lives over his. He saw Willow giving up her dreams and taking a dead-end
job,
living in a small apartment with Oz, and not wanting anything more.
He watched
as Giles stopped reading his books, pulling them out only when Buffy
needed his
help. Mostly he saw Cordelia, locked in a padded room, her screams
tearing
through his entire body.
He couldn't even escape into sleep without hearing her cry, hearing
her endless
pleas for his return. He wanted nothing more than to soothe her, to
stop her
tears and hold her. Instead he longed for death, and remembered.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
March 4, 1999
"So. There's another demon. Big deal. Buffy'll kill him, I'll watch
from the
sidelines, all will be well." Xander announced, barely feeling hurt
anymore at
their lack of faith in him.
"Well, it's good you've accepted your place." Cordelia said brightly,
breezing
into the library with an armful of books. "Giles, here's the stuff
on Bosnia I
borrowed. It's a little late."
"A little late?" Giles inquired with a raised eyebrow, taking the books
from
Cordelia and setting them on the counter with a sigh. "And I'm afraid
it won't
be that simple Xander. We have no information on this demon, and no
idea of how
he can be killed."
"Oh, good, cause I was sure there was a way this could get worse." Xander
moaned, his head falling in mock despair.
"The eternal optimist?" Buffy asked with a smile, stepping out of the
weapons
closet with a crossbow.
"The Hellmouth has ruined my sunny disposition." Xander intoned, looking
mournfully at Buffy.
"Okay, I think it's time for me to remove myself from the presence of
losers."
Cordelia said, walking towards the door. She stopped before opening
it, turning
slightly, her voice unwilling as she spoke. "Unless you need help?"
Giles nodded, ignoring Xander's pleading look. "That would be nice Cordelia.
We
are going to need all the help we can get."
Nodding, the brunette turned back towards the door. "I'll be back after
class."
Looking over her shoulder at Xander she shot her final barb. "Remember
them
Xander? Big rooms, teacher talking, necessary if you want to ever leave
this
place?"
Xander ignored her, studiously looking at his shoes until she walked
away. He
turned to Buffy then, his face solemn. "She's never going to forgive
me."
"Have you tried apologizing lately?" Buffy asked him.
"No. There isn't a lot of time between her insults for heartfelt apologies."
Xander shrugged, getting up from the chair. "But I'll give it one more
try."
Buffy nodded, her eyes focused on her target as she shot the crossbow.
"I hope
it works out. I don't understand why you want it to, but I hope it
does."
"Thanks Buff. I know I'm insane, but she's..."
"I don't want to know what it is you find so irresistible about her."
Buffy cut
him off with a grin. "I have a hard enough time sleeping at night."
Xander laughed, deciding not to make any comments about deadboy for
once.
Heading out into the hallway, he caught sight of Cordelia digging in
her locker.
Walking quickly toward her, he grabbed her arm and pulled her into
the closest
utility closet, pulling the door firmly shut before he looked at her.
"Well..." Cordelia shifted impatiently, pulling her arm free from him,
her eyes
hard as she stared at him. "What is so important that you felt that
force was
necessary?" She backed away from him slightly, leaning against the
back wall of
the closet. "You don't actually think that bringing me in here will
stir up old
memories do you?"
"No." Xander said bitterly, knowing that he was fighting a losing battle.
He
pulled at his sweater nervously, knowing that he had to try anyway.
"I'm sorry.
I want to apologize, and explain."
"No need." Cordelia cut him off, her eyes hardening. "I got all the
information
I needed when I saw you with her."
"Cordy..." Xander whispered in a pleading tone, "Can't I try?"
"No." Cordelia shook her head, "You can't. I don't forgive Xander. I can't."
"It was a mistake." He pleaded, his eyes bright.
"I know." She whispered. "I figured that much out. But it doesn't matter.
You
picked her and you can't go back."
"I didn't pick her." Xander said loudly, clenching his hands at his
sides. "I
picked you."
"Really?" She arched her eyebrow as she considered him. "And if you
had seen me
tangled on a bed with Oz, would you have taken it as a sign of my devotion?"
"No. Cordy. Listen, Willow is my best friend; the lines just got blurred
for a
while. It's over. I want to be with you." Xander implored her.
"Fine. I listened, against my will, but I listened. Can I leave now?"
Cordelia's
voice was cold as she stared at him, her eyes burning with anger, and
hurt.
"Can't you try?" Xander said finally, his shoulders slumping as he stared back.
"Try what Xander? Try to accept that you want anything that seems out
of reach?
That if I take you back, you'll slip away with the next one of your
loser
friends that'll have you? What if Buffy decided that she would give
up her
vampire lover and take you for a trial run?" Cordelia stopped talking,
taking a
deep breath as she moved closer to Xander, standing only inches from
him. "Tell
me why I should be with you?"
"Cordelia." His breath breezed over her face. He knew that he had to
be honest
with her, tell her what he felt in his heart. "I love you."
Cordelia nodded, reaching up to run her fingers over his face. "I know
you think
you do, but you always want what you can't have." Moving around him
she opened
the door to the closet, turning to look at him with a sad smile. "See
you
around."
He stood in the closet, his face blank as she walked away. Taking a
deep breath,
he moved to walk out of the door, taking one last look at a place that
they had
once enjoyed so much, and probably never would again. Exhaling slowly,
he vowed
to find a way to prove to her that he did, that being with Willow had
only shown
him how much he did love her. No matter how long it took.
______________
"What are you doing?" Cordelia screamed, her arms and legs flailing
wildly as
Angel and Buffy carried her away from the cave.
"Saving your life." Angel replied grimly, pulling her legs tighter to his body.
"Don't you mean saving yours?" She retorted angrily, not fighting anymore
as
they carried her. She lay quietly, her mind racing through escape plans
as she
was taken further from Xander.
They let her down once they had returned to Buffy's house, Angel standing
watch
by the door. Cordelia sat silently in the chair they had dropped her
in, her
eyes cold as she stared at Buffy.
"I had to." Buffy murmured finally, her eyes not quite meeting Cordelia's.
"I know." Cordelia spat, leaning back in the chair to keep as far away
from
Buffy as possible. "You wouldn't want to mess up your life."
"That's not true." Buffy replied calmly, her fingers digging into the
arm of her
chair.
"You know?" Cordelia began conversationally, but her voice was humming
with
anger. "I used to defend you to Xander. When he said that you would
let us die
before you gave Angel up, I told him he was wrong."
"I'm not trying to hurt Xander. I'm trying to save you." Buffy said
through
gritted teeth, her eyes glistening as she looked at Cordelia.
"Right." Cordelia muttered bitterly, her feet tapping restlessly on
the floor.
"How? By taking away my chance to save him?"
"You can't save him. He's dead." Buffy said tiredly, her eyes sad as
she
considered the brunette. "I know that verse seemed to fit, but maybe
you just
want to think it's about him."
"But it could be." She dropped her face into her hands, wishing that
she had
never told Buffy her plans. She looked up, her eyes full of tears as
she spoke
again. "Can you do this? Can you take the risk that maybe he is alive,
and
you're the only thing keeping him there?"
"It's not worth the risk." Buffy said stubbornly. "We already lost him,
we can't
lose you too." Buffy got up from her chair, coming over to kneel in
front of
Cordelia. "Please. I know we haven't always been close, but you are
my friend,
and I love you. I don't want you to die."
"Then let me do this." Cordelia whispered, tears falling down her face.
"And what if it's true?" Buffy replied. "What if you're right? And what
if you
fail? Do you have the right to sentence this town to losing truth?"
"Do you have the right to keep it from happiness?"
"I didn't take it on purpose. I never would have picked it if I had known."
"But now you do." Cordelia said flatly, refusing to sate Buffy's guilt.
"And we've adapted. People still marry, have babies, life still goes on."
"Does it?" Cordelia said, looking intently at Buffy. "Do you really
believe
that, or do you just want to? Can you remember what it was like before?"
"I remember fighting all of the time. Do you know how long it's been
since
anyone has tried to suck the world into Hell?"
"Since Angel?" Cordelia said, her face cold.
Buffy looked down for a minute, taking a breath before she looked up
again. "I'm
sorry. I know it doesn't seem fair."
"It's not fair." She said plainly. "Xander doesn't deserve this. He
doesn't
deserve you as a friend."
Buffy gasped, her eyes wide as she stood and walked away from Cordelia.
The
brunette watched her walk over to Angel and wrap her arms around him.
She stared
at them, wishing she could hate them, wishing she could believe that
they were
stopping her for selfish reasons. It would make what she had to do
much easier.
Slipping her hand into her pocket, she pulled out a small canister of
Holy Water
that she carried for protection. Sliding from her chair, she walked
towards
Buffy and Angel with a resigned expression, letting Buffy wrap her
arms around
her. She returned the hug, her eyes filling with tears. When she finally
pulled
away, she smiled sadly, her hand raising and directing the spray into
Angel's
eyes. At his scream, she pulled away from Buffy, knowing the Slayer
would go to
him.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
She flew down the road towards the cave, her breath coming in loud gasps.
She
didn't stop running until she was inside the cave, screaming for Xander
as she
entered. Falling to her knees, she called out, begging for him to hear
her.
She crawled around the cave, her mouth silently forming his name. Reaching
the
back corner, she beat her fists against it, wishing that there were
one person
who would help her. Someone stronger, smarter, braver, but there was
just her.
And she would have to be enough.
She stood, her hands pushing against the walls, searching for an opening,
a
crevice, anything that would lead her closer to Xander. She stopped,
her fingers
digging into a soft spot on the cave wall. She pushed harder, her fingers
clawing the dirt out of the way, her nails broken and bloody by the
time Buffy
and Angel caught up with her.
"Cordy." Buffy said, pulling her roughly from the wall. "Look at yourself.
Look
what you're doing to yourself."
"Let me go." Cordelia growled, yanking her arms from Buffy. "This is
my life, my
choice. You got to make yours, now let me."
"I'll help you dig." Angel said quietly, coming to stand beside her.
Buffy turned on him angrily. "What are you doing?"
"If Cordelia needs to do this..." Angel began, looking sadly at Cordelia
before
turning to face Buffy. "Then we should help her."
"Thank you." Cordelia whispered, tears filling her eyes.
"I have one condition." Angel replied, his voice soft as he continued.
"After
this, if we don't find him, you have to let us get you some help."
Cordelia stared at him in shock, wanting to rage against their lack
of faith.
Instead she nodded, her jaw clenched as she did.
"You promise?" Buffy asked Cordelia.
"Yes." Cordelia spit the word from her mouth, her eyes cold as she turned
back
to the wall. "But we'll find him." She vowed, her voice breaking as
she began
digging again.
Buffy sighed, nodding her agreement as her fingers dug into the wet
dirt.
The wall disappeared quickly, Angel and Buffy moving through it much
faster than
she could have. Cordelia gasped as they broke through, seeing the light
coming
from the other side. She pushed past the other two, her hands ripping
frantically through the dirt until the hole was large enough for her
to fit her
body through.
She crawled through, landing on her hands and knees on the other side,
her
breath coming in short gasps. She scrambled to her feet awkwardly as
Buffy and
Angel landed behind her. Turning, she spoke to them bitterly, the years
of being
alone in her belief rolling angrily in her stomach. "Well, well, what
do we have
here?"
"It could be anything." Buffy answered, but her voice trembled slightly
as she
reached out for Angel's hand.
"But it's not." Cordelia replied, moving further into the cavern, not
caring if
they followed her. She heard a sound faintly in the distance and turned
towards
it, moving quickly in the same direction.
"What is it?" Buffy asked.
"I'm not sure." Angel replied. "It sounds familiar though."
Cordelia broke into a run, agreeing with Angel that the sound was something
they
knew, something they hadn't heard in a long time. Her breath caught
in her
throat as the sound grew louder, stumbling slightly as she realized
what it was.
"It's laughter." She stopped running, tears streaming down her face
as she
looked at Buffy and Angel. "It's Xander's laughter."
Buffy took a step backwards, her face flooding with grief and guilt
as she met
Cordelia's eyes. "Oh God."
Angel moved to put a comforting arm around his girlfriend, his face
echoing her
emotions as he kissed her cheek gently.
Cordelia looked at them, feeling sorry for them in spite of herself.
She said
nothing as she began walking again, her feet taking her to Xander.
Buffy and Angel caught up with her, walking on either side of her as
they turned
a corner. They entered a round room, stopping in the middle as they
tried to
figure out the direction of the laughter.
"He's happy here."
The voice spread through the room, sending a chill down Cordelia's spine
as she
tried to see who was speaking.
"He doesn't want to leave. Doesn't want to go back to the friends who
betrayed
and forgot him."
Buffy gasped, tears spilling from her eyes as she replied. "We didn't
forget
him."
"He watched you. I made him watch you, made him realize that he meant
nothing to
you." The demon appeared in front of them, evil radiating in waves
from his
body.
"He meant something to me." Cordelia cried, stepping in front of the demon.
"You." The demon breathed, the smell emanating from his mouth almost
choking
them. "You meant nothing to him."
Cordelia faltered, her courage fading slightly before she reminded herself
that
it didn't matter. Xander was all that mattered. Straightening her shoulders
she
spoke. "We're here to take him back."
"Can't you hear him? He's happy, why would you take that from him?"
The demon
growled, his body leering over Cordelia.
"Because we need him." Cordelia whispered, "And because I don't believe you."
Angel moved then, springing at the demon in full game face. Buffy followed
his
lead after a moment, her fists landing rapidly as she fought.
Cordelia watched them, wishing she could do more, hoping that they were
enough.
The laughter grew louder, and she turned, seeing a dim light in one
corner of
the room. She walked closer, a small hole opening in the wall as she
moved
towards it, barely registering the battle going on behind her.
She reached the opening, her eyes searching the small cell hidden there,
landing
on the dark eyes of the man who sat in the middle of the room laughing,
his
wrists bound by chains. "Buffy, I found him." She screamed. "I need
you."
Turning she stared back at the vampire and the Slayer who had the demon
down on
the floor, Angel's body pinning him to the ground.
Buffy looked up, her eyes wide and frightened as she shook her head.
"I can't. I
can't face him."
Cordelia spun back around, crawling on her hands and knees towards Xander.
She
put her hand on his shoulder tentatively. He tensed, his shoulders
shaking with
laughter as he lifted his head. She wrapped her arms around him, her
tears
soaking him as she held on tightly.
She released him finally, her fingers rubbing the scars on his face
as she
whispered to him. "Xander?" She met his eyes, her heart breaking as
she saw the
pain in them. He looked at her like she was a dream that he had no
hope of
obtaining and she felt the tears spilling in fresh lines down her face.
Xander reached up, the chains clinking as he touched her face, his hands
searching every inch. He stopped finally, his hands falling back to
the floor as
tears began to pour from his eyes and his cries tore from his throat
in an
unending wail.
She faced him, the torment on his face burning through her. She pushed
her lips
into an unfamiliar shape, wanting nothing more than to sob with him.
Her smile
began shakily, but she forced herself to mean it, to think of the life
that
Xander could have now, the life the town could have now. She held his
head
between her hands as he wept, her smile shining brightly through her
tears.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
May 9, 2004
Cordelia sat frozen in a chair outside Xander's room, her face totally
blank as
she waited. She wasn't sure what she was waiting for or what she was
supposed to
do. Her entire reason for existing had been to save him, and she had.
Now she
didn't know where to go from there.
Her fingers gripped the arm of the chair; her knuckles white as she
thought of
the thin body Angel had carried from the cave, his skin crossed with
scars and
burns. Tears slipped unnoticed down her cheeks as she thought of the
curled
position he had refused to move from, his body wrapped tightly around
itself.
She had followed slowly behind them, not caring how they had finally
beaten the
demon. Buffy was waiting outside of the cave, her sobs growing louder
as she
caught sight of Xander. The Slayer moved to touch him, her hand almost
reaching
his leg when Cordelia grabbed her wrist, pulling her away.
"Don't touch him." She hissed, dropping Buffy's arm as if it burned.
Buffy backed away, nodding her head as she turned and disappeared into
the
night. Cordelia stared at Angel, daring him to say anything as they
headed in
the direction of the hospital. Angel had left after Xander was delivered
into
the doctor's care, leaving Cordelia alone with him. His eyes didn't
open as the
doctors examined him. They put him in a private room, asking her questions
she
had no idea how to answer before leaving.
She had pulled a chair next to the door to his room, standing guard
over him as
he slept. And she was still sitting there an hour later when Giles
ran down the
hall towards her, squatting down in front of her.
"Cordelia. Are you all right? Why are you sitting here?" He murmured,
lifting
her bruised and bloody hands for a closer look. He leaned back on his
heels, his
hand running gently over a cut on her cheek. "This needs stitches.
What happened
to you?"
Cordelia stared at him in confusion, looking towards the door beside
her. "Don't
you know? Why are you here?"
"Buffy called and said you were in the hospital. She was rather upset...I
thought it was much worse." Giles answered, his brow furrowing as he
waited for
her answer.
"She didn't tell you?" She murmured mostly to herself, before motioning
to the
room behind her. "He's in there."
"He...Xander?" Giles demanded, standing quickly and moving towards the
door. He
pulled it open, his breath catching as he stared inside. Giles closed
it gently
after a minute, his face pale as he turned back to Cordelia. "I...um...I
don't
know what to say."
"Say that you're glad Giles. Say you're happy. Say you're sorry. I don't
care."
Cordelia whispered harshly, standing up to face him. "Just as long
as you give
him every bit of help he's going to need."
"I will." Giles's promised shakily. "We need to tell the others...Willow...."
"You call his friends." She uttered coldly, falling back into her chair.
"I'm
sure they'll want to welcome happiness home." Her face went dead as
Giles moved
slowly down the hall.
She leaned back in her chair after he left, her eyes never leaving the
door.
Wishing that she were inside, sitting beside his bed. Wishing that
it were her
face he wanted to see when he woke. She pushed the thoughts away, refusing
to
even think of herself when Xander had been through so much. But, if
she was
honest, she wanted to be the one to help him through it, to hold him
when he
cried and to listen as he told what he had been through.
She didn't look at Giles when he returned, the watcher pulling another
chair
next to hers and sitting down. "Willow and Oz are on the way."
"His parents?" She whispered stiffly.
"I couldn't get them." Giles answered, his hand reaching out to touch
her
shoulder. "Cordelia. I'm sorry that you had to do this on your own.
That we
didn't share your faith."
"I didn't do it on my own. Buffy and Angel helped."
"That's not what I meant." Giles replied, leaning forward to look into
her face.
"I'm sorry that we didn't believe that Xander was alive."
Cordelia met his eyes, seeing the regret and guilt there. Feeling her
eyes
welling with tears, she swallowed slowly, her mouth forming the words
of
forgiveness he wanted to hear, but she was interrupted when Willow
and Oz ran
down the hall to them.
"Where is he?" The redhead demanded, looking from Cordelia to Giles.
"Is he
okay?"
"Is he okay?" Cordelia repeated, her eyes flashing as she looked at
Willow.
"What do you think?"
Willow flushed, her eyes meeting Cordelia's defiantly. "We didn't know
he could
be saved."
"No, but you knew he was dead." Cordelia accused, knowing her anger
was unfair,
but unable to control it.
"Cordelia." Oz said in a warning tone, moving to stand slightly in front
of
Willow. "We tried to save him."
"I know." Cordelia whispered. "And then you buried him."
The other three were silent for a minute, Willow and Oz looking sadly
at each
other as Giles cleaned his glasses. Willow turned back to Cordelia
finally, her
voice sad, but determined as she spoke. "We were wrong. But Cordelia,
there was
nothing to prove that Xander was still alive. It's not fair for you
to blame
us."
"You're right." Cordelia whispered. "It's not fair. None of it is. It's
certainly not fair that Xander spent five years being tortured." She
looked up
at Willow, motioning her towards the door. "And it's not fair that
you are going
to be the face he wants to see when he wakes." She looked down at the
floor,
waiting for them to enter the room. When no one moved she looked up
again, her
face drawn and sad. "Please. Do this. He needs you now."
"What about you?" Willow whispered reluctantly, moving closer to Cordelia.
"Me?" Cordelia questioned, her lips curled with distaste. "I'll be fine."
She
looked away, her shoulders tense until they finally went into Xander's
room.
Then she cried, pulling her legs close to her chest as she waited for
news.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Xander felt awareness pushing at the edge of his mind, and he fought
against it,
not wanting to wake to another day. His fingers reached out, digging
into the
cool floor of his cell as they did every time he woke. But instead
he felt
softness he never expected to feel again. He clutched the material
in his hands
as tightly as his he could, his eyes springing open. Only to shut them
again,
the bright light burning him. He squeezed his eyelids tightly closed
as he
realized this was just another game meant to entertain the demon and
torment
him.
Unless he was
still asleep, dreaming as he often did of his friends, and the
life he had lost. Dreams of salvation, and waking surrounded by the
people he
loved, Cordelia holding his hand as she smiled at him. But they were
only
dreams, and when he tried to hold onto them, his mouth opening to tell
her how
much he loved her, the laughter would begin again, chasing him even
in sleep
while the demon giggled in pleasure.
Opening his eyes again, he blinked slowly, focusing on the three figures
in the
room. His eyes met Willow's as the redhead leaned forward, her tears
falling on
his hand as she breathed. "Xander. Oh God, Xander."
He stared at her, his expression calm. He wasn't doing this again; he
wasn't
opening himself up only to have them ripped away. Xander swung his
eyes from her
to Giles, his brow creasing slightly at how much older Giles looked.
This was
new, in his dreams everyone usually looked like he had last seen them,
not like
the visions that the demon had forced on him.
Giles hovered nervously over him, his eyes suspiciously bright as he
touched
Xander's shoulder. "You're safe now. The demon is dead."
Xander swallowed, his throat tightening as he shook his head sadly.
The demon
was never dead, and Giles wasn't really here. He looked to Oz, wondering
what he
was going to add to the dream. The now brown haired man moved forward,
his arm
slipping around Willow's waist. "Can you understand us?"
Xander nodded, waiting to hear what came next. Where the dream was going
to take
him before he woke up in his cell. Before the pain started again, and
his
laughter was forced from him.
Willow leaned forward, her hands touching his face feverishly. "I can't
believe
you're here. Do you need anything?"
Xander lifted his hands, pushing her away weakly, not wanting the pain
when he
woke to be any worse. He closed his eyes, too familiar with the pain
of losing
them to want any comfort.
"Xander? Can you speak? Say something?" Willow's voice was desperate.
He squeezed his eyes tighter, his lips trembling as she pleaded with
him. This
was the trick, the part were his hope got the better of him and he
tried to tell
them what he felt. How much he had missed them, and how happy he was
to be home.
And this was the part were laughter came instead. He shivered, the
memory of his
own laughter terrifying him. He had learned the lesson finally and
there was no
way he was going to make a sound.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
May 9, 2004
Cordelia shifted in her chair, every muscle aching as she unfolded her
legs.
Looking at the door Xander was behind, she took a shaky breath, wondering
what
was going on inside. She held her hands to her mouth, tears welling
in her eyes
as the memories flooded her again. Standing, she wavered on trembling
legs,
unable to wait any longer for someone to tell her how he was. Nurses
had been in
and out of the room all night, but they had told her nothing. She moved
tentatively towards the door, her need to know overcoming her fear
when a voice
spoke softly behind her.
"How is he?" Buffy stood nervously behind her, her eyes bloodshot and
her face
pale.
"I don't know." Cordelia admitted, her shoulders sagging as she considered
Buffy. "Willow, Oz and Giles are inside." She waited for Buffy to speak,
unable
to gather the rage that had driven her the day before.
"Why aren't you in there?" Buffy questioned her, sitting down in the
chair, her
eyes wide as she looked at Cordelia.
"I'm afraid." Cordelia whispered staring down at her hands. A burst
of noise
from the nurses' station caught her attention and she turned toward
it, speaking
to herself. "I didn't know it would come back so fast."
"What would?" Buffy asked.
"Laughter." Cordelia murmured, tears spilling out of her eyes as she
put her
face in her hands. "I can't believe it's here, that he's here." She
lifted her
eyes to Buffy, who was sitting frozen. Cordelia watched her, knowing
what the
laughter meant to Buffy. "I'm sorry." She said, almost meaning it.
"Don't be." Buffy demanded, shaking her head vehemently. "It's worth
it. You did
what I should have done, and I'm never going to be able to forgive
myself for
that."
Cordelia swallowed, thinking of how alone she had been for the last
five years,
and how Xander had suffered because no one could believe. She reached
out
cautiously touching Buffy's arm. "I'm going to forgive you." She shrugged,
squeezing Buffy's arm lightly. "At least I'm going to try."
Buffy sniffed, her eyes watery as she spoke. "I can't face him."
"You have to." Cordelia said flatly. "He needs you."
"What can I say?" Buffy begged her. "That I moved in with my lover,
someone
Xander detested because I could be with him now that Xander was gone."
"It's a start." Cordelia answered her sadly, knowing that those words
would hurt
Xander and wishing she could save him from them. "And you can tell
him that you
tried to save him, and that in the end you did."
"You did." Buffy cried. "I tried to stop you. How can I explain that?"
"I don't know." Cordelia sat, sitting down heavily in the chair beside
Buffy.
"I'm sorry. I can't help you with this. I may understand that you thought
you
were doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean I've accepted it."
She curled
her legs back up in her chair, wrapping her arms around her knees for
protection.
Buffy stood, her face sad and alone as she attempted to smile at Cordelia.
"Thank you for saving him."
Cordelia grimaced, unable to contain the expression of disbelief that
crossed
her face. "What about Angel?"
"I don't know." Buffy flushed, her face ravaged with pain. "I love him."
Cordelia nodded, not wanting to hear about Buffy's pain. She motioned
towards
the door. "You should go in."
"Are you going to?" Buffy whispered.
Cordelia curled tighter into the chair, nodding slightly. She would
have to go
in eventually, for her own sanity, but not yet. She rested her head
on her knees
as she heard the door swing open.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
He lay silently for hours, waiting for the dream to fade, for the voices
that
surrounded him to be replaced by the demon. He heard the door swing
open and
Willow left his side, her voice too low for him to understand as she
greeted
whoever it was.
"Xander?"
'Buffy' he thought, a spasm of pain shooting through him. The Slayer,
and the
one person who was never in his dreams. He tensed, as she sat down
in the chair
beside his bed. She sniffed, her voice weak as she spoke. "I'm sorry.
I'm so
sorry."
He opened his eyes, looking at her tearstained face and bloodshot eyes
and then
he looked away. She was even more beautiful then the first time he
had seen her,
and his stomach turned. He looked around, taking in his surroundings
for the
first time as he tried to block out the girl who sat beside him. He
was in a
hospital room he realized, not the library where he usually dreamt
he was.
Xander struggled to a sitting position, glaring at Buffy when she reached
out to
help him. The Slayer pulled her arm back, guilt covering her face as
she sat
back down. Xander swallowed, this was different from other dreams.
It had lasted
too long and was too vivid. He could smell the antiseptic and feel
the softness
of the bed under him. Lifting his hand he stared at it for a long minute,
before
reaching up and pinching his face as hard as he could. Willow gasped,
her hand
grabbing his and pulling it from his face.
"Xander. Don't." Willow begged, rubbing his hand softly.
"He doesn't believe we're real." Oz announced, coming back into Xander's
line of
sight. Xander pulled his hand away from Willow's, his fingers digging
into the
sheets, searching for the dirt that was hidden there.
"Of course." Giles muttered, his hand resting on Xander's shoulder.
"I should
have known."
"Xander, we're real." Willow whispered pleadingly. "You were rescued
and the
demon is dead. Please Xander, say something."
He looked at her, and then each of them in turn, not daring to believe
that it
could be true. Tears filled his eyes as he wished desperately that
it was. A sob
caught in his throat and he choked it back, fear overtaking him. Shaking
his
head violently he closed his eyes. He wasn't doing this, he wasn't
going to hope
and he wasn't going to lose again.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Cordelia stretched her neck, trying to get rid of a crick that had formed
over
an hour ago. She sighed, her eyes burning from lack of sleep. Looking
at the
door to his room, she tried to find the courage to open the door, but
couldn't
get past the image of him surrounded by his friends and not wanting
her there.
"Cordelia?" Buffy managed, coming out of the room looking much worse
than when
she went in.
"How is he?" Cordelia pounced on her, almost falling into the Slayer's
arms as
she jumped from the chair.
"Not good." Buffy choked out. "Oz and Giles don't think he believes we're real."
"What?" Cordelia demanded, her heart racing.
"He won't talk, won't respond to anyone." Buffy whispered, falling into
the
chair that Cordelia had vacated with a sob. "What did I do to him?"
"Shut-up." Cordelia hissed, her thoughts jumbled as she tried to process
Buffy's
words. She thought of Xander sitting in the dark cell, his eyes tormented
as he
laughed. Sucking in a gasp she moved towards his room, knowing what
he was
afraid of.
She entered slowly, not meeting anyone's eyes as she walked to his bed,
her chin
trembling as Willow moved out of her way. Sitting down beside him,
she took his
hand in hers, her voice soothing as she spoke. "It's okay Xander. I
know you're
afraid that this isn't real."
His eyes opened slowly, looking at her in disbelief. Shaking his head,
he tried
to pull his hand from hers, but she held on tightly refusing to let
him go.
"It's over. I promise you. The demon is gone, and you're home." She
reached out
with her other hand, smoothing the hair back from his face. A smile
crossed her
face briefly as she touched him. "You're finally home. Do you know
how long I've
waited for this?" Xander whimpered, his body shifting away from her.
"Cordelia." Willow whispered loudly, "What are you doing?"
"What I'm supposed to do. I'm bringing him back." She responded, her
eyes not
leaving Xander's face. "Xander, you have to say something. We haven't
heard your
voice in so long, and we missed it." He looked at her in terror and
she
hesitated, her heart breaking for him. "You won't laugh, I swear it."
She looked at him for a minute, her face shining with the love she felt,
before
picking his hand up from the bed and placing it on her face. "Can you
feel me?
I'm here. We're all here and no one is going anywhere."
Xander's lips were trembling as his hand moved lightly across her face,
stopping
on the cut that ran down the side of her cheek. He touched it again,
his eyes
searching her body. Cordelia looked down at herself, seeing the mess
he saw, her
shirt torn and bloody and her pants ragged. She looked back at him,
his eyes now
fixed on her hand, his fingers running across the bruises and scraps
that
covered the surface. She smiled, her voice intimate as she spoke to
him. "This
isn't a dream Xander. I would never appear in a dream looking like
this."
"Cordy." Willow reprimanded her.
"Xander knows that." Cordelia replied, still speaking only to him. "Don't
you?"
She squeezed his hand, her voice trembling as she whispered again.
"You can
speak. I promise Xander, there won't be any laughter."
Xander looked up at her, his eyes brimming with hope as he cupped her
face in
his hand. Taking a shaky breath he opened his mouth. "You...you're
real."
Cordelia nodded, tears spilling down her face as he looked at her in
wonder, his
other hand coming to touch her face also.
"You're real." He repeated, his voice gruff from misuse. His eyes welled
with
tears as he pulled her to him, pressing his face into her shoulders
as he
sobbed.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Xander clung to Cordelia like she was his lifeline, the sound of his
sobs music
to his ears. He breathed deeply, smelling the blood and the dirt and
the aroma
that was her. Her arms trembled as she gripped his head tightly, her
lips
kissing the top of his head as he cried. This was better than any dream
of
rescue had been, better than anything he had imagined while the demon
tortured
him. She was here, and there was no screaming, no lost soul crying
in agony. He
relaxed against her, letting her smooth his hair as she whispered softly,
again
and again. "It's okay now. Everything is okay now."
It's okay now, he repeated to himself, his eyes growing heavy as he
clung to
her. He drifted off to sleep with his arms still clinging to her. And
he woke to
find her curled up on the bed beside him; her features tense even in
sleep. His
hands traced the cut on her face and the bruising that surrounded it,
unable to
convince himself that she was real, that she was here and whole. The
memory of
her screams still haunted him and he shook his head, lifting his eyes
to meet
Willow's.
"I saw her." He whispered, needing to share the nightmare with someone.
"I saw
her in a room, she was screaming."
Willow nodded, moving to stand beside him. "That was when you were first
taken.
She wouldn't stop after we took her from the cave."
Xander closed his eyes, slivers of pain stabbing him as he thought of
her
suffering. "But she got better."
"Yes." Willow sobbed. "She did, but we didn't believe her."
"Didn't believe her?" Xander asked, not wanting her to answer, his hands
running
through Cordelia's dark hair for comfort.
"We didn't believe you could be saved. I didn't believe it. I thought
she was
just hanging on to the memory." Willow admitted through her sobs. "Xander,
after
you...after it happened everything changed. There was no laughter,
no happiness.
Everything was different, I was different."
"I don't want to hear this." Xander whispered brokenly, shrinking back
against
the bed. "I don't want to know."
Willow looked up, her face pleading as she stepped closer to him. "Xander,
please?"
He closed his eyes, blocking her out of his view and out of his mind.
She kept
talking, but he couldn't hear her over the roar in his head. They had
given up
on him, Willow, Giles, everyone. He felt sick, his stomach clenching
as he
thought of the time he had spent in the cell, the years he had been
tortured by
the demon. And none of it had been worse than this, not even the pain
he had
felt watching them move on without him. That was a pinprick compared
to the
gaping wound that opened when he looked at Willow's face and saw the
guilt
there.
The guilt that she wanted him to make better, that they all wanted him
to make
better. He swallowed the bile rising in his throat, holding onto the
one thing
that gave him hope. Cordelia. Even after what he had done to her, she
had still
wanted to save him. He held onto her sleeping body a little tighter,
taking
comfort from the one person he could still believe in.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Cordelia woke with a start, sitting up quickly and then laying back
down as her
head started to spin. She turned slightly, surprised to find herself
in Xander's
arms. A small smile formed on her face as she watched him sleep, forgetting
about the other people in the room until Willow spoke.
"He hates us."
Cordelia stiffened, her head swinging slowly towards Willow as she untangled
her
limbs from Xander's and stood. "He doesn't hate you."
"He does." Willow insisted. "He won't even let me explain."
"Explain what?" Cordelia asked, her eyebrows rising as she considered
the
redhead.
"What happened. Why we thought he was dead." Willow answered. "I want
to tell
him how sorry I am."
Cordelia sighed angrily, moving closer to Willow and speaking in a harsh
whisper, not wanting to wake Xander. "You want him to tell you it's
okay."
Her eyes roamed the room, taking in the Slayer and Angel sitting in
the corner.
She directed her next words at them. "But he needs you to tell him
that. He's
the one who suffered here. He's the one who spent five years being
tortured. So
forget about your guilt and your need for forgiveness and help him."
Buffy flushed, her head dropping as Cordelia's eyes focused on her.
"How can we
help him if he won't let us?"
"By being here. By not expecting anything from him." Cordelia shook
her head,
walking towards the door to the bathroom. She looked back at the frail
figure in
the bed, reassuring herself that he was asleep. "Now I'm getting a
shower. If he
wakes, why not ask him if there's anything he wants to talk about?"
She slammed the door behind her, the blood boiling in her veins as she
leaned
against it. Running her hands through her greasy hair she turned the
shower on,
throwing her clothes into a pile on the floor. How could they all be
so wrapped
up in their own guilt that they couldn't see what he needed? She stepped
into
the shower, forcing herself to relax as the hot water rinsed the blood
and dirt
from her body. Part of her felt for them, understood how they felt,
but she
couldn't afford to play nursemaid to them, Xander needed her and she
could only
focus on him.
Turning the water off she wrapped a towel around herself, pulling back
the
curtain. She gasped, almost falling as she met Buffy's eyes. "What?"
She barked
out much harsher than she intended to.
"I told Angel to bring you some clothes." Buffy said quietly, holding
out the
bag she had clutched in her hand.
Cordelia took it from her silently, pulling the clothes from the bag
slowly.
"Thank you."
Buffy continued standing there, her face torn before she finally spoke.
"I don't
know how to help him."
"Neither do I." Cordelia admitted, her eyes sad as she stared at Buffy.
"So I'm
just going to keep sitting with him, and hope that when he needs me
I do the
right thing."
"Do you think Angel and I should stay?" Buffy whispered.
Cordelia's shoulders slumped as she dropped the towel and began putting
on the
clothes Buffy had given her. "I don't care." She pulled the shirt over
her head,
wincing as she realized how sore her muscles were. Managing to not
look at Buffy
again until she was fully dressed. The Slayer looked back at her, the
desperation bright in her eyes. Cordelia sighed, for five years she
had been the
loony who no one listened to, and now she was supposed to be the expert
on
handling this. "I wouldn't tell him about...about you and Angel. Not
yet. He's
in enough pain now."
"What if he knows?" Buffy pressed.
"Then we'll deal with it." Cordelia answered, anxious to get back to Xander.
"He knew about you. About your breakdown." Buffy said.
"He did?" Cordelia whispered, her hands reaching out to hold onto the sink.
"He woke up and asked Willow about it." Buffy stood against the door,
her body
blocking the exit.
"So, he knows." Cordelia repeated, trying to figure out what it meant.
"And
you're worried that if he knows about me, he knows about you?"
"Yes."
"Then leave." Cordelia said, staring blankly towards the door. "Let
me tell
him."
"But..." Buffy began.
"Leave." Cordelia repeated firmly. "Get everyone out of here."
"I want to be here." Buffy said, her body tense.
"Okay, I'm going to say this very slowly so that you can understand."
Cordelia
took a deep breath, moving towards the door and the Slayer. "What you
want
doesn't matter. What you feel doesn't matter. The only thing I care
about is
Xander. And if he knows that you have lived with Angel for the last
four
years..." Cordelia paused; not knowing exactly what that would do to
Xander, but
determined that she would find out. "Just leave Buffy." Pushing past
the Slayer
she walked back into the room, her face cold as she addressed the people
gathered there. "Get out."
"What?" A chorus of voices asked, their expressions ranging from outrage
to
understanding.
"I want to talk to him. Alone." Cordelia spoke quietly, but her voice
was
resolute.
"We're his friends." Willow said. "We should be here."
"Get out." Cordelia repeated, grateful when Giles got up and began to
walk
towards the door, Buffy and Angel following him. She turned back to
Willow, her
face softening as she spoke again. "Willow, you can't help him now."
"And you can?" Willow spoke bitterly. "Do you think that just because
you didn't
give up on him that you're the only one he wants? Where were you before
he was
taken? You gave up on him then."
Cordelia swallowed, all her regrets about the last conversation she
had ever had
with Xander rushing through her. The certainty she had held close to
her as she
walked away from him, ignoring his declarations of love because it
wasn't the
love she had wanted. She closed her eyes, pushing the image of his
face as she
walked away from her mind as she spoke to Willow. "I loved him, and
I was
wrong."
"He didn't love you." Willow replied in a snarky tone. Oz reached out
and
grabbed her arm, his expression sad as he pulled her to him.
Cordelia took a step backwards, her face paling. "This is not a contest
Willow.
It's not a matter of who loves him more. It's a matter of what's best
for him."
"And you think you are?" Willow demanded shaking off Oz's arm.
"Yes." Cordelia replied, her tone as bitchy as it had been in High School.
She
stared intently at Willow until the other girl finally turned away.
Moving
towards the bed and Xander she tossed over her shoulder. "Now get out."
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Xander struggled, the chains holding him down as the demon snapped the
whip
across his chest once more. He tried to stifle the cries, but a soft
laugh broke
through, terrifying him more than the pain. The demon threw his head
back, his
joy apparent as he cracked the whip harder, forcing the laughter from
Xander's
throat.
"Do you want to see it again?"
Xander said nothing, knowing that there was no way out of it as his
mind filled
with images of Cordelia. She was lying on a bed, her hair matted and
her face
swollen and red. She screamed, her voice hoarse and rough as she arched
up
against the restraints that held her. He saw her lips forming his name;
saw the
terror in her eyes as she wept.
The whip cracked against him again, the physical pain distracting him
momentarily. But the images continued, this time Buffy sitting quietly
in a room
with Angel, her demeanor content as she talked with her lover. He could
hear her
words as she commented on how few demons seemed to come to Sunnydale
anymore.
His body shook as the demon dug his claws into the open wounds on his
chest,
ripping apart the little healing that had taken place.
"They're glad you're gone. Your little Slayer friend is still alive
because
you're gone." The demon's face was lit with pleasure as he leaned closer
to
Xander. "They don't ever want you back."
Xander giggled, his mind screaming denials that he didn't believe anymore.
Clamping his lips together he tried to stop the sounds coming from
his mouth,
determined that he wouldn't give his captor what he wanted.
The demon grabbed his arm, twisting it painfully until Xander heard
the snap.
The unbearable pain flowed through him, as shocking as the first time
he had
been hit. It didn't get easier over time as he had hoped. He didn't
become numb
to it, every time he hurt just as badly. He could taste the blood as
he held his
mouth closed, his teeth digging through his lips. Xander watched in
horror as
the demon stood, his eyes glowing in the darkness as he lifted the
chains that
held Xander's broken arm. He pulled back violently, waving Xander's
arm back and
forth, the sound of the bones rubbing against each other echoing in
the cell.
Opening his mouth, he screamed, hearing the laughter fill the cave as
consciousness slowly faded away. He woke as freezing water splashed
over his
face, coughing as he struggled to back away from the demon, knowing
the
punishment for passing out. A soft chuckle fell from his lips as the
terror
filled him.
The demon picked him up easily, the chains pulling unbearably on his
broken arm
as he was fastened to the wall. His head swam as he fought to remain
conscious,
the demon lighting a torch and pressing it to his body. His eyes welled
with
tears as the laughter boomed from his body, the smell of his burning
flesh
choking him.
"No. No. Please," Xander wailed, his limbs thrashing wildly in the bed.
Soft
arms surrounded him, holding him still as a voice murmured softly to
him.
"Shhhh. It's okay. You're okay." Cordelia's voice broke through his
terror and
he took huge choking breaths, his heart feeling like it would burst
from his
chest.
He opened his eyes; sweat dripping from his body as he focused on her.
She
watched him carefully, her eyes wet with tears as she pushed his damp
hair from
his forehead. "Xander?"
"He burned me. It hurt so much and I couldn't scream. I just laughed.
I tried
not to, but I always did." Xander spoke in a rush, his voice thick
with pain.
"Xander," She breathed, her arms wrapping tightly around him.
"You should have left me there," Xander whispered brokenly, images of
Buffy and
Angel sitting in a room flashing through his mind.
"No." Cordelia replied quickly, pulling away to look into his eyes.
"Why would
you even say that?"
"I know." Xander said desperately, his eyes wild as he looked at her.
"I know
what happened after I left. I know that there were fewer demons around.
I know
that Buffy is with Angel."
"So?" Cordelia said angrily, her eyes searching his. "Xander, we need
you." She
stepped from the bed, moving to stand beside the window. "Can you stand?"
"What?" Xander mumbled, tears streaming down his face as he looked at her.
"Stand? Can you get up?" Cordelia walked back over to him, pulling him
gently
from the bed and supporting him as he walked shakily to the window.
She looked
out, tears slipping down her face. "Do you see that?"
"What?" Xander repeated himself, his eyes burning from the unfamiliar sunshine.
"Those children, on the swings. Do you see them laughing? Having fun?"
Cordelia
asked, still staring in awe at the scene outside.
"What?" Xander said again, his eyes landing on the happy children.
"You brought that back to them. When you came back, happiness did too."
She
leaned her head against his shoulder lightly. "You are happiness."
"I don't want to be," Xander cried, stumbling away from her and falling
to the
floor.
Cordelia was on the floor beside him in a second, her face panicked
as she slid
her arms under him, pulling him into her lap. "Tell me," she ordered,
her voice
thick.
"The demon showed me your lives. He tortured me with your lives. He
tortured me
in a hundred ways. And every time I wanted to cry I laughed. Every
sound I made
was happy. I don't ever want to be happy again." Xander pressed his
face into
his hands, his sobs filling the room as he repeated himself. "I don't
ever want
to be happy. I don't ever want to be happy."
Cordelia clung to him, her body gently rocking him as he cried. When
he finally
stopped, his breath coming in short bursts she spoke. "Xander, that
wasn't
happiness. Happiness is what we all lost when we lost you."
"I don't care," Xander whispered. "I don't care what they lost."
"I know you're angry," she murmured against his head, her breath blowing
through
his hair. "I know you feel betrayed."
"They didn't care," Xander cried, his tears beginning again as he thought
of the
people he had considered friends.
"They cared," Cordelia insisted. "But they changed. Without you, without
happiness they were different. They had no drive, no desire. It wasn't
their
fault."
Xander stiffened, trying to escape her arms. "So it was mine."
"Xander, no!" Cordelia said loudly, her arms holding him tighter. "Nothing
is
your fault. It was a demon."
"I can't do this," Xander whimpered, collapsing against her chest. "I
can't do
this."
"Yes. You can," Cordelia said passionately. "Let me help you."
His tears poured out as he clung to her, letting her soothing murmurs
chase away
the thoughts in his head.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Cordelia tucked the blankets tighter around Xander's sleeping body,
her hands
hovering over him, wanting to do more. With a sigh she sank into the
chair by
his bed, her head dropping into her hands. She had no idea what she
was supposed
to do for him, how she could help him deal with what happened in the
last five
years.
The door opened and Cordelia looked up, meeting Willow's eyes with a
blank look.
When the redhead began to walk into the room, Cordelia stood, motioning
her out
again and following with a quick look to make sure Xander was still
asleep.
She walked out into the hallway, staring at the group of people gathered
there,
addressing her words to Giles when she spoke. "He talked a little about
what
happened."
"And?" Giles pushed gently.
"And it was horrible. I don't know how he's ever going to get past this,"
Cordelia whispered, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
"He will," Giles murmured, his arm wrapping around her softly. "You'll
get him
through."
"How?" Cordelia begged, the tears spilling out as she buried her head
into
Giles' tweed coat. "How can I help him? I'm the crazy girl, remember?
All I
knew, all I ever knew was that I had to save him. But I never thought
past
getting him back." The last sentence came out in a wail as she clung
tightly to
Giles, her entire body shaking.
"Love him," Buffy answered, her voice clear as she moved closer to the
crying
girl. "That's what he needs."
"But not from me," Cordelia sobbed, her fingers digging into Giles's
arms. "He
needs you and I don't know how to make him see that."
"Why not from you?" Buffy whispered carefully, pulling Cordelia away
from Giles
and looking into her eyes. "You are the one person that never gave
up on him."
"You don't understand," Cordelia said hysterically, running her shaking
hands
through her hair. "I love him. I've always loved him. And no matter
how much I
try and pretend I tried to save him because happiness was gone, that
isn't the
reason. I saved him because there was no way I could live without him."
"I know that Cordy," Buffy murmured, a sad smile crossing her face as
she
grabbed Cordelia's hands, holding them tightly. "What difference does
it make?"
"Because I'm lying to him." Cordelia almost shouted, her eyes moving
wildly
around the hall, refusing to look at anyone. "And when he finds out
the truth,
I'll just be another person who was selfish. He's so hurt because in
his mind
you picked your lives over his. But is what I did any different?"
"Yes." Buffy whispered in a low voice. "It is different."
"How?" Cordelia asked her angrily. "I kicked you out because you all
want
something from him that he can't give you. But don't I want the same
thing?"
"Cordy," Buffy pleaded softly, her eyes cloudy. "You didn't put your
needs in
front of his."
"But I want to," Cordelia whispered, sinking slowly to the floor. She
looked up
at the faces surrounding her with tears sliding down her face. "I want
to tell
him that I love him. Every time I open my mouth I have to stop myself
from
telling him how much."
"Why don't you?" Oz asked calmly.
"Because I'm the only thing he has right now. And if I tell him, he'll
just feel
worse." Cordelia hung her head, her hands pressing against the cool
tile of the
floor as she continued. "I'll just be another person asking him for
something I
have no right to expect."
"Like us?" Willow whispered bitterly. "Is that what you think we're doing?"
"Yes," Cordelia answered, tracing circles on the floor as she waited
for Willow
to rage at her again. She sunk inward, too tired to deal with them.
Too tired to
deal with any of it. Seeing the terror in Xander's eyes had ripped
something
from her, something that she had managed to hold onto since he had
been taken.
She had felt despair before, in the hospital after he had been taken,
and again
off and on through the years as the others had given up the search,
but this was
different. This was an emptiness deep inside her that told her just
how much she
loved him and just how terrified she was that the man she loved would
never be
whole again.
A pair of arms slid around her, sobs choking Buffy's voice as she spoke.
"I'm
sorry. We didn't think. I just want him to forgive me so badly."
"I know." Cordelia nodded, counting the tiles in front of her to stop
her
thoughts. "But you can't want it. You can't. I can't. We just have
to help him."
"Are you going to be okay?" Buffy whispered nervously.
"No," Cordelia answered flatly. "But he will." She continued her counting,
ignoring the voices that kept talking to her. She would get up in a
few minutes,
and she would smile and she would sit beside his bed, and help him
in any way
she could, but for this minute, she was unable to think for one more
minute of
the man on the other side of the door.
Xander opened his eyes, searching for her face in the dimly lit room.
"Cordelia?" he called tentatively, afraid that she had left him.
"I'm here." Her voice swept over him, relief flowing through his body
as he
turned to face her. She smiled at him, but her eyes were red from crying.
"No
nightmares?"
"No," He whispered back, reaching out to touch her eyes. "You were crying."
She moved away from his hand almost imperceptibly, her smile becoming
firmer and
less real. "Xander, let's talk about Buffy and Angel."
"I don't want to," he replied immediately, pulling his arm back and
turning over
so that he stared at the ceiling.
"You have to." She whispered gently, her hand reaching out to cover
his. "You
need her."
"I don't need her. I don't need any of them. I have you," Xander said
desperately. She was his hold on sanity, the only person who could
make the
world okay for him. Without her, he was too afraid to move, too afraid
to speak.
But when she was with him, he felt like he could breath.
"And what if I'm not always here?" Cordelia murmured, her hand rubbing
his arm
reassuringly.
Xander didn't speak, the knot in his stomach moving into his throat
as she
spoke. She couldn't leave; he couldn't do this without her. He had
spent five
years praying to see her face again, to see her smile at him and scrunch
her
nose, even to hear her insult him. She was the one thing that he had
been able
to hold onto, the one thing that the demon hadn't been able to take
from him.
Every time he had seen her screaming in that room he had dreamt of
the day when
he could wrap his arms around her and make it all better. And when
he had woken
and seen her face, her eyes clear and sane, he felt as if he had been
given
something that was worth the five years he had spent away. He had thought
there
was love in her gaze, in her touch and the tone of her voice. Tears
blurred his
vision as he took a deep breath. "What do you want to say about Buffy
and
Angel?"
"The same thing I want to say about all of them," she whispered. "That
they love
you. Xander, I know you're hurt. I don't blame you for being hurt.
But they did
look for you. They looked for over a year. And they never stopped loving
you.
Ever."
"Buffy lives with Angel," Xander spat out.
"Yes. Xander, you've always known that she loves him. She didn't stop
looking
for you because she wanted to be with Angel. And they both helped me
rescue
you."
"You rescued me?" Xander turned his head, looking in amazement at her.
"You don't remember any of it?" Cordelia asked him, leaning in closer.
"No."
"Well, I found a verse. And I went to the cave and Buffy and Angel helped
me dig
out a false wall." Cordelia spoke in a matter of fact tone, her eyes
far away as
she spoke. "Then I guess Angel and Buffy killed the demon and I found
you."
"You found me?" Xander whispered, wishing he could remember, and thankful
he
didn't.
"Angel broke the chains and carried you to the hospital," Cordelia continued
as
if she hadn't heard him, her voice layered with pain. "And we've been
here ever
since."
"So you think I should thank them?" Xander asked, unable to keep the
trace of
bitterness from his voice.
"No," Cordelia answered. "I don't think you should do anything you don't
want
to. I just want you to be able to lean on them."
Xander felt her words stabbing through him, his breath slowing down
as he tried
not to show how much they hurt. "So I don't keep depending on you?"
"No." Cordelia replied, getting up and sitting on the bed beside him.
She stared
down at him, her face full of sadness. "I wouldn't mind if you depended
on me
forever. I will sit at your bed until you tell me to go away. And then
I'll sit
outside the door in case you need me again. There is nothing I wouldn't
do for
you. But I think that you need the people that you love, Willow, Buffy,
Giles,
even Oz. They can help you, probably better than I can."
I love you, Xander thought despondently. And he hadn't realized it until
had
taken that love and broken her heart and her body. He turned slightly,
looking
into her eyes, deciding he would be grateful that she was even here
with him at
all, that she had pushed past her anger at him and saved him when everyone
else
had given up. He would talk to Willow and Buffy because that was what
she
wanted. He would get better so that she could be free of him. Closing
his eyes,
he whispered, "Send them in."
She flinched slightly as he spoke, her face contorting into an emotion
he
couldn't name before she nodded, walking slowly to the door. He watched
her
move, memorizing the line of her body as he whispered painfully. "And
then you
can go."
She stopped, her head swinging around to face him, her surprise evident.
She
swallowed, her eyes bright as she spoke. "Xander?"
"You don't have to come back anymore." He whispered, knowing if she
didn't go
now he would cling to her forever. He had to do this while he was still
strong
enough. She had already given up five years of her life for him; the
least he
could do was give her back the rest of it. Xander dropped his eyes,
staring down
at the sheets until he heard the door swing open and her footsteps
as she walked
out of his room. A sob broke free, but he choked it back, his fingers
digging
into the sheets as his body began to tremble.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Cordelia fought back her tears as she faced the group that surrounded
her as she
walked from his room. Taking a shuddering breath she moved towards
a chair,
sinking into it before her legs gave out. She rocked back and forth
slowly,
trying to deal with the pain that was ricocheting through her.
"Cordy?" Buffy whispered, coming to stand beside her.
Cordelia dropped her head in her hands, rubbing her forehead roughly
as she
tried to figure out the next step. She looked up, searching out Giles
face and
speaking to him. "Do they have shrinks? On the Watcher's council? Someone
who
can help him."
"Yes...Yes of course." Giles's nodded. "I should have called him sooner."
He
touched her shoulder lightly before going to make the call.
Cordelia sighed, grateful that there would be help coming. He would
be okay;
these people would make sure he was okay. Her purpose had been to bring
him
back; their purpose was to be in his life. She looked up at Buffy,
her voice
empty of emotion as she spoke. "Don't mention anything unless he brings
it up.
Nothing."
"Cordy." Buffy murmured helplessly, sitting down in the chair beside
Cordelia
and grabbing her hand. "What happened?"
Her lips trembled as she answered, her voice steady in spite of the
pain. "He
told me to leave. He'll see you, but he doesn't want me there."
"He didn't mean it." Buffy replied quickly. "You're all he has."
"No she isn't." Willow interrupted, moving to stand in front of Buffy.
"He has
us." Turning she headed to Xander's room. "And I'm going to see him."
"Stop." Cordelia yelled, jumping from her chair and grabbing Willow
before she
could enter the room. "You can't just go in. There are things you need
to know."
"What could you tell me about Xander that I don't already know?" Willow
said
angrily, throwing Cordelia's hand off.
"That's enough." Buffy ordered, coming to stand between the two girls.
"We are
going to listen to what she has to say. She's the only one he's been
talking to,
and we need to hear her."
Willow glared at Buffy for a minute then relaxed, turning to Cordelia
with an
impatient glare. "Well?"
Cordelia closed her eyes, pushing down the anger and hurt as she spoke,
her
voice calm. "Willow, this has got to stop. You're not really mad at
me, you just
want to be."
"Truth speaks again." Willow replied sarcastically.
Cordelia stared at her, at the girl who would have Xander in her life
forever,
all thought of kindness and understanding flying away. Her eyes hardened
as she
moved closer to Willow, her voice ice as she spoke, "That is it. I'm
not your
punching bag." She leaned in close to Willow, her face inches from
the other
girl as she continued. "I'm sorry that you didn't believe and I'm sorry
that you
feel guilty about it, but I'm not going to let you hurt Xander because
you
failed. So get over it." She stepped back, her rage calming as she
saw the shock
and pain on Willow's face, her voice much warmer as she finished. "Willow,
blaming me, or blaming yourself won't change any of it. You just have
to deal
with it."
"And if I can't?" Willow asked, her eyes swimming in guilt.
"You can." Cordelia answered confidently. "Because he needs you to."
Willow nodded, her eyes filling with tears as she apologized. "It was
so hard
when you believed and I couldn't. I was his best friend and I couldn't
hold on.
Every time I saw you I was so angry, and I took it out on you when
I was really
angry with myself."
"I know." Cordelia smiled sadly.
"And when you found him." Willow continued. "I just couldn't face it.
I had let
him down so badly and you hadn't. I was supposed to be the faithful
one, and I
wasn't."
"But you can be now." Cordelia said, feeling the ache widening inside
her at the
thought of Willow being the one to calm his nightmares and sit with
him while he
talked. She wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball and cry until
she
couldn't feel anymore, but instead she straightened her shoulders and
spoke
again, her voice businesslike. "When you talk to him, be careful not
to move to
fast, it makes him nervous. And don't laugh, not even a nervous laugh.
He's
spent five years laughing and hearing it would only bring the memories
back."
Turning to Buffy she spoke directly to the Slayer. "Don't ever tell
him that you
helped me because you wanted me to get help. There are some things
he should
never have to deal with."
Buffy shook her head, "I have to tell him the truth."
"Why?" Cordelia demanded. "Hasn't he been through enough? Telling him
will only
hurt him and what good can come from that?"
"Cordy?" Buffy pleaded.
"And don't tell him that I love him. Don't add that to the other burdens
he
carries."
"But Cordy, I know he would want to know that. He loves you. I know
he does."
Buffy begged her.
"Please? Do this for me." Cordelia whispered, sighing in relief when
Buffy
nodded. "Now go to him. Be good to him." The last words ended on a
sob as she
watched Buffy and Willow walk slowly into Xander's room, their hands
clasped
together.
The door swung shut behind them as Cordelia curled up in the chair,
her head
resting on her knees as the sobs poured silently from her body.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Xander looked up as the door opened, wishing that it were Cordelia
who was
walking into the room. His eyes clouded as he watched the two women
enter
nervously. Willow spoke first, her voice shy. "Xander. Thank you."
Xander flinched at the sound of her voice, his body curling up tightly
as his
eyes locked onto the wall. His mind was screaming for Cordelia as he
rocked
slowly on the bed, trying to find the strength he had in her presence.
His hands
covered his face as he flashed on images of Willow and Buffy, living
there lives
normally while he suffered. Pushing his hands tightly against his face
he forced
the images away, making himself uncurl and face the redhead standing
on one side
of his bed.
"Hi Xan." Willow whispered, her face free of the pleading look that
had bothered
Xander so much. "How are you doing?"
"Fine." He breathed, his fingers digging into the sheets as a thin layer
of
sweat formed on his face. He pulled himself slowly into a sitting position,
as
he tried to force himself to speak.
The redhead took a deep breath, nodding her head slightly. "Do you want
to talk
about it?"
Xander whimpered softly as he shook his head, terror racing through
his body. He
couldn't talk about it, not without Cordelia beside him.
"Do you want to hear about my life?" She reached out, her hand almost
touching
him until he tensed, his entire body stiffening. Willow pulled her
hand away
slowly, her face white.
Xander relaxed again, nodding slightly as he stared at the scars on his arm.
"I live with Oz, and I work in a computer store." Willow whispered,
her face
showing the struggle she was having to keep her tears away. "We never
got
married, I suppose we will someday, it just never seemed important."
"Cause there was no happiness." Xander whispered, his body trembling
as he
lifted his eyes to meet Willow's.
"I don't know." Willow whispered softly, looking down at her hands.
"Yes." Xander pressed, the trembling increasing as anger flashed in
his eyes.
His entire body was moving now, his hands still digging relentlessly
into the
sheets. "You gave up on everything and you blame me."
"I don't blame you." Willow said incredulously. "It wasn't your fault."
"But it's my fault that Buffy has to give up Angel again." Xander whispered,
turning furious eyes on Buffy. He leaned forward, struggling to stay
upright as
he confronted her. "Isn't that what you think? That if I would have
just stayed
dead, your life would be perfect."
"No." Buffy breathed. "Xander, I wouldn't trade you for anything. If
I had known
you could be saved..."
"But you didn't." Xander stated, tears flowing from his eyes as he slumped
down
in the bed, his thin legs shaking under the sheets. "You just left
me there."
Buffy stood in front of him, sobs racking her entire body as she stared at him.
"I just want to know why." Xander sobbed, his body shaking with pain.
"I don't know." Buffy wailed, her eyes flying to Willow's. "Maybe I
should get
Cordelia."
Xander froze at the mention of her name, his breath catching as he remembered
why he was doing this. His entire body was still shaking, but he forced
himself
to speak. "Cordelia said you saved me."
"Cordelia saved you, I only helped." Buffy whispered.
Xander looked up at her, glad that she had given the credit to Cordelia.
The
Buffy he had known would have done the same thing, but that was also
the Buffy
who would never have given up on him. For the first time, the thought
crossed
his mind that maybe there was a reason they gave up on him that didn't
mean that
they hadn't loved him. "Tell me about it."
"Did Cordelia tell you about the verse? And the false wall in the cave?"
Buffy
asked gently, continuing after Xander nodded. "Well, we were fighting
the demon
while Cordelia was trying to find you. And we weren't doing very well,
but then
Angel got him on the ground, holding him down." She paused, wiping
the tears
from her face before continuing. "And then she found you. When she
yelled that
she had you, the demon threw me into the wall and Angel to the ground.
He was
lifting his claw to slash Angel's throat when he seemed to weaken,
falling
forward onto Angel. So I came up behind him and stabbed him in the
back. Then
Angel finished him off."
Xander didn't say anything, he couldn't. He searched his memory for
that night,
trying to remember seeing Cordelia's face in the cave, but there was
nothing
there. He closed his eyes, his trembling slowly increasing as he spoke
again.
"When the demon showed me your lives, it hurt more than any torture.
Worse than
the broken bones or the burns. It stung more than the whip hitting
my chest. And
when I look at you, I feel so angry and so betrayed."
Willow sobbed quietly as Buffy nodded her head, tears streaming down
her face as
she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
Xander ignored her, the words falling out of him in a rush. "But Cordelia
told
me that everything changed. That you never stopped loving me and it
was the lack
of happiness that made you give up."
"Yes." Buffy replied gratefully, her voice shaky as she moved closer to him.
His body curled away from her, pressing back against the bed. "Cordelia
didn't.
Why is that?"
Buffy swallowed, her eyes filling with tears as she nodded slightly
at Cordelia
before turning to face Xander. "I don't know. I didn't have enough
faith. And
I'll be sorry about that for as long as I live."
"Good." Xander whispered bitterly, turning away from her for a moment.
He
thought of Cordelia again, and how much she wanted for him to forgive
these
people. He swallowed, his eyes opening and turning back to Buffy. "Am
I supposed
to say it's okay?"
Willow answered, desperation and guilt layering her voice. "Please Xander.
We
love you. I love you. I've loved you for as long as I can remember.
That never
changed." Her voice grew louder as she begged him. "We thought Cordelia
was
crazy."
"Don't." He stopped her before she said anything else. The images of
Cordelia in
that room still painful. "If it weren't for Cordelia I'd still be in
the cave.
I'd die there. If it weren't for Cordelia you would all have died."
They looked at him in confusion, Buffy speaking first. "Why?"
"Because the demon was getting stronger. I was feeding him, happiness
was
feeding him. And then he would have been free, and he would have destroyed
this
town." His voice was empty of emotion, his fingers digging painfully
into his
legs as he spoke.
"Oh Xander..." Buffy began, her voice trailing off as she looked at him.
He took a deep breath, picturing Cordelia's face in his mind as he spoke.
"I
forgive you."
Willow sobbed, grabbing his hand and holding it tightly. He fought against
the
urge to pull away, his body tense as she touched him. Buffy still stood
back,
her tears drying as she stared at him carefully. He pulled his arm
away from
Willow slowly, slipping down in the bed as he whispered. "I'm really
tired."
He closed his eyes, waiting until he heard the door close behind them
to cry.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
June 4, 2004
Cordelia sat perched on the edge of her chair, her face pale as she
waited for
it to begin. The hallway was deserted, the lights dimmed as the hospital
settled
down for the night. She pushed her hair off her face, stifling a yawn
as she
watched Xander's door anxiously, hoping that maybe tonight it wouldn't
happen,
and yet somehow afraid that it wouldn't. This was the only time she
had with
him, the only time she wasn't afraid to show how much she loved him.
The soft moans drifted from under his door and she stood, her stomach
wrapped in
the same nervous ball that it was every night as she moved towards
his door. She
slipped into the room silently, her heart breaking as she watched him
struggle
in his sleep, his body racked with shudders as his moans grew louder.
Her voice was calm as she spoke to him, soothing him as she walked to
him. "I'm
here Xander."
He stilled almost immediately, his trembling decreasing although he
didn't wake.
She reached his side, sliding into the bed beside him, her heart swelling
as he
clung tightly to her, his body molding to hers as his sleep deepened.
She leaned
back against the pillows, her hands running over his back as he pressed
his face
against her breasts. Kissing the top of his head, she leaned against
it for a
minute, still murmuring soothingly to him.
The night passed slowly, and she savored every minute of it, drinking
in the
feel of his body against hers, and the trust he had in her, even if
it was only
when he was asleep. She turned her head as the faint light of dawn
began to fill
the room, warning her that her time was almost up. Her arms tightened
around
him, the pain of leaving him choking her as it did every morning.
Cordelia slide from the bed carefully, her steps quiet as she walked
from the
room, holding her tears back until she was in the hallway. She leaned
against
the door, tears slipping down her cheeks, the last step in the ritual
she
performed every night, after his friends had left for the day and he
was alone.
"Why don't you wait until he wakes up?" Buffy said.
Cordelia jumped, opening her eyes and staring in shocked silence at
the woman in
front of her.
"What? You thought we didn't know?" Buffy asked, a small smile on her
face.
"We've known since the first night."
"Why...why didn't you say anything?" Cordelia whispered, wiping the
tears from
her face self-consciously.
"Because it was the best thing for Xander, and for you." Buffy said,
pulling
Cordelia down the hall towards the cafeteria. "Now you and I are going
to get
some breakfast and have a little talk."
Cordelia tried ineffectually to pull her arm away before giving up and
following
the Slayer. The entered the cafeteria and Buffy pushed her into a seat,
going to
get their breakfast. Cordelia watched her go, wondering what the Slayer
was
going to say to her, wondering if she would tell her how Xander was
doing. The
little the doctors told her, and that she figured out from eavesdropping
at the
nurses' station didn't tell her much at all. Drumming her fingers unconsciously
on the table she waited for Buffy to return.
"So, you're just going to sit with him every night so he can sleep and
then
disappear before he can see you?" Buffy asked conversationally, setting
down a
tray heaped with food in front of Cordelia.
The brunette looked with dismay at the plate, her eyes lifting slowly
to
Buffy's. "That was my plan."
"Eat." Buffy ordered pointing at the plate in front of her. "You look
terrible.
When was the last time you ate? Slept? You have to take care of yourself."
Cordelia shrugged, playing with the toast on her plate. She picked it
up, taking
a small bite before she spoke. "How is he?"
Buffy grew somber, shaking her head sadly as she answered. "Not great.
The
shrink is 'cautiously optimistic', but I can't see any improvement.
He still
cringes when anyone goes near him. And if he hears laughter..." She
paused, her
eyes cloudy as she met Cordelia's eyes. " "The worst part is that he's
started
hurting himself."
"Hurting himself?" Cordelia repeated in horror, her stomach clenching
painfully.
Buffy nodded sadly. "He scratches himself until he bleeds, and we can't
stop
him. Cordy, you have to go to him. It's really bad."
Cordelia put down the toast, her face falling. He was supposed to be
getting
better, she had given him his friends back, done everything she could,
he should
be getting better. "What can I do?"
"Tell him you love him." Buffy answered calmly, her eyes refusing to
let
Cordelia look away. "That's what he needs. You are what he needs."
"No." Cordelia shook her head sadly, "I'm not. I wish I was, but I'm not."
Buffy sighed impatiently; her shoulders tense as she spoke. "Then why
can you
calm him? Why does he sleep through the night only when you're with
him? I've
seen him sleep Cordy. I've watched the nightmares he's tormented with,
I've seen
it." She paused, taking a deep breath before she continued. "And we
were all
there, and not one of us could sooth him. Do you know how much they
had to
sedate him before he calmed down?"
Cordelia clamped a hand over her mouth as a sob escaped her. She looked
desperately at Buffy. "He told me to leave."
"But you didn't." Buffy answered. "And now you have to tell him that
you
didn't." The Slayer paused, her voice confident as she finished. "Trust
me. He
wants you with him."
Cordelia didn't reply, she just sat there as Buffy finished her breakfast,
her
own growing cold as she thought about Buffy's words.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
June 5, 2004
"We're finished." Xander said sullenly, his eyes roaming the room endlessly,
refusing to look at the man sitting beside him.
"Very well then." The psychiatrist agreed, standing up and smoothing
his suit
carefully. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Great." Xander muttered, sinking down in his bed as the doctor exited
the room.
He lifted his hand, looking at the deep scratches his shrink had been
so
interested in. How did the man expect him to explain why he had done
it? He
didn't understand the impulse himself, not that there was much he understood
anymore. All he knew was that when he felt the pain in his hands, the
pain in
his mind lessened, and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for that.
Closing his eyes, he leaned back against the pillow, remembering the
feel of
Cordelia's arms around him. He hadn't told the shrink about that, preferring
to
keep it for himself. But he was sure the man knew anyway, all his pointed
comments on how much more rested Xander looked must mean something.
Shaking his
head, he decided he didn't care, whatever tricks his mind was playing
that let
him believe he slept in her arms every night was the only thing that
was keeping
him sane.
It began the same way every night, a nightmare about the cave and the
demon that
tortured him. Then she would come in, her face bruised and bleeding,
but her
eyes would light when she saw him, tears streaming down her face as
she wrapped
her arms around him. He would look up into her face, and she would
smile at him,
her eyes full of love as he cried. Then the demon would fade away,
his sleep
peaceful as she held him.
He turned his head as the door opened and Buffy walked in, her face
determined
as she came and sat beside him. Xander watched her, his trembling only
increasing slightly as she began to speak. "I know you lied."
"What?" He asked slowly, his fingers reaching out for the sheets, digging
into
them as she spoke.
"I know you didn't forgive me. I see your eyes, I know you haven't."
Buffy spoke
matter of factly, but her hands were shaking. "What I don't know is
why."
Xander looked up, meeting her eyes for the first time without trying
to hide
anything. He saw the pain and the guilt living in her, and nodded slowly.
"I had
to."
"Because of Cordelia?" Buffy pushed gently.
Xander stiffened, his eyes flying to the window, looking out into the
sun as he
tried to think of an answer. "She did so much for me, put her entire
life on
hold to give me back mine. The least I could do was give her what she
wanted."
"Which was?"
"To forgive you. So that she could be free." Xander whispered, his voice
breaking as he finished. He stared out at the sun, willing himself
to remain in
control.
"That's what you think she wanted?"
"Yes." He answered, but something in her voice made him turn his head
to look at
her. She was staring at him with a mixture of hope and regret that
made his
stomach clench. "What?"
"I made another mistake." Buffy said sadly. "I made a promise to Cordelia
that I
never should have."
"What?" Xander repeated himself, growing more apprehensive.
"Do you know what Cordelia does every night?" Buffy inquired. "She waits
in the
hallway until you fall asleep and then she comes in and sits with you
all night
so that you don't have any nightmares."
Xander's heart pounded in his chest as she spoke. Cordelia was real;
the arms
that held him every night were real. He looked questioningly at Buffy,
needing
her to tell him more.
The Slayer stared at her hands as she spoke, her voice only shaking
slightly.
"After you were taken...after she was okay, she only ever thought of
you. Her
whole life was focused on rescuing you. We all thought she was insane,
we all
felt sorry for her, but she knew what she was doing. She never let
our words
stop her, never gave up hope. Every cent she had went to buying more
books,
finding more sources that might be able to help her. There was nothing
she
wouldn't do for you." Buffy paused, her eyes bright as she looked up
at him. "Do
you know why?"
"No." Xander whispered.
"Because she loves you, as much as you love her." Buffy replied confidently,
getting up from her chair. "Don't doubt that for a second Xander. She
loves you
with everything that she is."
Xander watched Buffy walk towards the door, the words that she said
still
echoing in his head. "Buffy, wait."
She stopped, turning to look at him.
"I forgive you a little more each day." He said, his eyes clear as he
looked at
her.
"Thank you." She whispered, a tear sliding down her cheek as she nodded
at him.
"She'll be back tonight."
Xander watched her disappear, an alien emotion flowing through him.
He got up
from his bed carefully, walking on shaky legs to the window. Leaning
against it,
he watched the children playing on the swings, their laughter not sending
chills
through him. This was his home, and those children were laughing because
of her,
because of the woman he loved, and maybe because of the woman who loved
him.
He stood at the window until the sun set, reacquainting himself with hope.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Cordelia sat in her chair, watching the nurses settling the patients
in for the
night. She said hello to the few who smiled at her, still amazed by
the easy way
that happiness had slipped back into everyone's lives. Things were
changing so
fast in Sunnydale, the Bronze was open again, and the movie theatres
were packed
every night. She shook her head, wondering if there was anyone outside
of their
little group who ever gave any thought to the changes that had occurred
over
five years ago.
Leaning back in her chair, her mind drifted again to Buffy's words.
She had
thought about them all day, her mind reeling at the thought of telling
Xander
how she felt. If she did, what would he do? Would it ruin all the progress
he
had made, or make him feel obligated? Or worse, would he look at her
with pity,
the girl who didn't know when to let go.
A soft moan from Xander's room pushed away all thought and she stood,
moving
quickly towards the door, slipping inside and speaking softly to him.
"I'm
here."
"Cordelia?" he murmured, his arms reaching out for her. His body was
trembling,
sweat soaking his body and the sheets that covered him.
She moved closer, her steps tentative, wondering why he had spoken,
he had never
spoken during the night before. Cordelia paused at the foot of his
bed, her hand
caressing his leg lightly as she watched him. He murmured her name
again, his
trembling slowing as his eyes opened. Cordelia froze, her heart pounding
loudly
as she met his eyes.
"You are here," he breathed, his eyes filling with tears. "You're really
here
with me."
She continued staring at him, a flush spreading up her cheeks as she
tried to
explain herself. "I'm sorry. I wanted to help. I'll leave now."
"You do help," he replied desperately, pulling himself into a sitting
position.
"You are the only thing that helps."
Cordelia pushed her hair off her face, unsure of what he was saying,
or what she
should do. She shifted uneasily, her face puzzled as she watched him.
"I talked to Buffy today," he began slowly, his face lit by the moonlight
streaming in the window. "She told me that you were here every night."
"I'm sorry," Cordelia murmured.
Xander ignored her, his words falling out in a panicked rush. "I thought
you
were a dream, or a trick my mind was playing, but I didn't care. If
being crazy
was the only way to see you then I wanted to be crazy."
Cordelia swallowed, her stomach rolling with nervousness as he spoke.
She moved
forward a step, standing by his chest as he continued.
"When I was in the cave, I saw you every day. But you were always screaming
my
name, your voice so afraid and alone and all I wanted was to be able
to comfort
you. I wanted to be free so that I could take your pain away." Xander
looked at
her, tears running down his face as he spoke in a voice thick with
emotion.
"I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing you again. That you would
never
know that I forgave you," Cordelia whispered brokenly, moving to take
his hand.
Xander held her hand tightly in his, his voice muffled as he continued.
"But
instead you've comforted me. When you're with me I feel like I could
be whole
again."
Cordelia let out a sob, gripping his hand tighter as she slipped onto
the bed,
her other hand reaching out to touch his face. She smiled as she wiped
the tears
from his eyes. "You will be."
"If you're with me, I will." Xander replied, his mouth pressed tightly
against
her hand. "If you're with me, I can do anything."
"Oh God, Xander." She cried, leaning against him as sobs overtook her.
He
wrapped his arms around her; giving her the comfort she always gave
him.
Leaning in close to kiss her head, he whispered, "I love you."
She froze, pulling away from him slowly. "Xander, you don't have to
say that.
It's okay."
Xander shook his head, his hands grabbing hers as he repeated himself.
"I love
you. I don't feel like I have to, or that I owe you. I love you because
I do. I
loved you when I walked into that cave five years ago, and I love you
now."
Cordelia felt the words run through her, filling her with something
she hadn't
gotten back until this moment. She smiled tearfully at him, hardly
daring to
believe him. "You do?" she asked, her voice sounding young and unsure
to her own
ears.
"I do," he said firmly, his lips curling slightly upward as he looked at her.
"You're smiling," she breathed, her own widening, tears falling unnoticed
down
her cheeks. "I was afraid I'd never see you smile again."
"I'm not promising a laugh a minute," Xander said cautiously, his smile
fading
as he continued staring at her. "I don't know if I'll ever be who I
was again."
"You're Xander," she answered, the words choked out between small sobs.
"That's
all that matters to me."
"I need you Cordy," he confessed, his limbs trembling again as he looked
down at
the sheets. "I know I shouldn't ask you for more than you've given
me, but I
need you. For everything. Nothing makes sense to me without you. But
I don't
want to ruin your life."
"Ruin my life?" She questioned him, shaking her head. "You could never do that."
"But...I'm...I'm damaged. I'm afraid and I'm weak..." He began, lifting
his eyes
to hers again.
"You have no idea how much I love you," she whispered softly, wrapping
her arms
around him. "Always. No matter what."
He held onto her as tightly as he could, leaning his head against hers.
"What if
I never get any better? What if I'm always afraid?" he asked before
pulling away
to look at her again.
She looked up at him, her tears making her eyes shine in the darkness.
"Then
I'll sit with you and I'll do whatever I can to make it better."
Amazement and love shone in Xander's eyes as tears streamed down his
face.
"Thank you so much for never giving up on me."
"I couldn't," Cordelia answered simply. "You're a part of me, and I
couldn't let
you go."
They stared at each other silently in the moonlight before Cordelia
leaned
forward, her lips pressing softly against his. His arms surrounded
her as they
kissed, his body warm against hers. Sliding down the bed, she laid
her head on
his shoulder, her fingers running along his chest as they fell asleep.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Epilogue
October 4, 2004
Cordelia sat in the chair beside Xander's bed, staring intently at her
hands as
she waited for him to return. It had only been two weeks since he'd
started
leaving the room without her, and she wasn't adapting to it as well
as he was. A
proud smile crossed her face as she thought of the changes in him over
the last
four months. He was much stronger, both physically and mentally, his
nightmares
decreasing in intensity as he healed. She looked up occasionally, smiling
slightly at the Slayer who was pacing restlessly by the window. Shaking
her
head, she finally spoke to her. "What's wrong?"
Buffy stopped, color flushing her cheeks as she faced Cordelia. "Angel's
leaving."
"Because you can't be together?" Cordelia asked quietly, feeling more
sympathy
for the Slayer than she would have ever imagined she could.
"I don't regret Xander being saved," Buffy said defensively.
Cordelia nodded, the Slayer had been here every day, even on the days
when
Xander had raged and told her he hated her, she never left. "I know.
I even
think Xander knows that now."
"But I love him," Buffy whispered, her eyes tearing as she came to stand
beside
Cordelia. "I can't imagine my life without him in it."
"So don't." Cordelia stood gracefully, turning to face Buffy. "I never
did...when Xander was gone. You've got connections and friends who
are willing
to help you, so why are you even thinking of giving up?"
"The curse...if Angel is happy..."
"So find another curse, or a spell, anything," Cordelia interrupted
her. "It
took me five years to find Xander, but I never gave up, and now he's
back."
"It's different," Buffy argued, her voice tired and drained as she sat
down on
the edge of Xander's bed.
"It's love." Cordelia shrugged, moving towards the door. "I'm going
to see
what's taking so long. His appointment was over an hour ago." She stepped
out
into the hallway, stopping suddenly when she saw Xander sitting silently
outside
the door, his body trembling violently. Dropping to her knees in front
of him,
she gathered his cold fingers in hers, trying to keep her fear out
of her voice
as she spoke. "Xander? Are you okay?"
He looked up slowly, his eyes wide with panic as he shook his head.
"They're
discharging me."
"Discharging you?" Cordelia whispered, a smile spreading across her
face.
"That's good news."
"Where will I go?" Xander asked, pulling his hands from hers. "I can't
go to my
parents, and I have no money, and no way to make any. I didn't even
finish high
school."
Her hands reached up, cupping his face as she spoke. "I thought that
you would
live with me. I thought that was what you wanted." Her eyes blurred
with tears
as she continued. "I mean, I thought you wanted to be with me."
"I do," he replied immediately, staring intently into her eyes. "I never
want to
be apart from you, but I can't offer you anything."
"All I want is you," she whispered, her smile returning as her tears
dried.
"That's all I need."
"What about money?" Xander worried, his hands running nervously through
her
hair.
"Don't worry, I have a trust fund," Cordelia said lightly, dismissing
his
worries. She looked up at him, wanting her joy at his release to be
his. "How
soon can you leave?"
"Today," Xander answered weakly.
Cordelia's eyes widened in surprise as she climbed to her feet. "Well
then we'd
better pack." Pulling him to his feet, she held his hand tightly as
they walked
into his room.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Cordelia ignored the butterflies in her stomach as she finished putting
the last
of Xander's clothes in the suitcase. Her fingers lingered for a minute
on a
bright plaid shirt that she had bought him before she shut the lid.
"So that's
it," she said, swinging the small suitcase off the bed and smiling
at Xander.
"I'm afraid," he whispered, staring down at the floor.
"I know," she answered, dropping the suitcase and coming to stand next
to him.
She touched his arm lightly, wishing that she could make everything
safe for
him. He had made so much progress, but there was still so much pain
that he had
to deal with, sometimes she wondered if she would ever hear his laugh
again.
Looking into his eyes, she whispered, "But it's going to be fine. You're
going
to be fine."
Xander took a deep breath, taking strength from her as he nodded. "We
should
go."
"Buffy called everyone, they're probably all waiting outside," she warned,
her
voice soft as she moved towards the door. "Is that okay?"
"Yes," he whispered, trying to smile at her.
"They aren't coming home with us," she promised him, her voice deliberately
light.
"Good." He moved to stand next to her, his hand grabbing hers. "I only
want to
be with you."
"You will be," she replied, adding softly, "They just want to see you."
"I know," he answered, his smile a little more real as she grinned at him.
"See? It's getting better all the time," Cordelia squeezed his hand
as they
walked out of the hospital room, neither one of them looking back.
They stopped
in front of the group gathered by the door, Xander's hand growing damp
in hers.
She moved slightly in front of him, her body shielding him as he faced
his
friends.
"I would imagine you're glad to be getting out," Giles offered, reaching
out to
shake Xander's free hand. "I know everything will be fine."
"Cordy wouldn't have it any other way," Xander replied nervously, his
body
trembling slightly.
"Will we see you?" Willow asked tentatively, one hand playing in her
hair as she
looked at him.
"He's not going anywhere." Cordelia answered, her voice firm, pressing
her back
against Xander's body as Willow spoke. Xander was still tense in the
redhead's
presence, Willow's guilt still creating a wall between them. Cordelia
smiled
reassuringly at Willow, trying once again to tell her it would be all
right. She
wished once again that Willow had been at the hospital as much as Buffy,
maybe
then she would have worked through her guilt and been more of a help
to Xander.
"No he's not," Buffy agreed, moving to stand in front of the pair. "Whenever
you're ready..."
"I'll call," Xander finished, his voice tight as he spoke.
Cordelia nodded, turning so that she could see his eyes. "But I want
some time
alone with him."
A faint smile formed on his face, marred only by the fear still lingering
in his
eyes. "The sooner the better."
She smiled knowingly, her voice firm as she spoke. "I'll call you guys
and let
you know how everything is going." Her eyes were bright as she looked
back at
him, "Are you ready to go home?"
He nodded, his hand clinging to hers as they walked slowly down the
hallway.
Cordelia turned slightly, meeting his eyes. "I love you."
Xander smiled shakily, his voice breaking as they stepped out into the
bright
sunshine. "I love you too."
They walked slowly down the street towards their apartment, pausing
only to
watch the children laughing as they played. Xander wrapped his arm
around her
shoulder as they stood silently, her head leaning on his shoulder.
Tears of
happiness slid down her cheeks as she recited softly,
"The children played so fearlessly,
their laughter ringing loud and free.
As the adults who watched them quietly,
suddenly knew what they had missed.
Their hearts sang out in silent joy,
Remembering once again,
the truth they'd buried far within.
A smile, a kiss, a warm embrace,
The longing on a loved ones face,
The wonder of a child first born,
The reason we continue on..."
"I remember," Xander said softly, his arms tightening around her.
Cordelia nodded, kissing his cheek before whispering, "Me too."
They wrapped their arms around each other as they made their way to
Cordelia's
apartment, their apartment and the life that neither of them had thought
they
would have.
end