Lost Opportunities

by: Andrea

She couldn't wait at the office for them to return. It didn't matter if it was
the right thing to do. There wasn't any way she could sit and watch as Buffy
destroyed the new life she had begun. Somewhere deep inside she knew she was
being irrational, it wasn't Buffy's fault, but she needed someone to blame, and
once again Buffy was there.

It wasn't until she got home that she realized it hurt. Underneath the anger and
the fear, there was pain. Once again she was going to lose people that she had
started to care for. Once again she was going to be totally alone. Angel would
go back to Sunnydale with Buffy, and Doyle would disappear back into the
darkness he existed in before. It shouldn't hurt this much, she had kept her
walls up this time, never letting herself forget what happened the last time she
let someone in. Somehow it didn't seem to have helped. Doyle had managed to push
through them as if they weren't there, and Angel had slipped in behind him.

She knew she was selfish. Angel deserved his happiness. After months of watching
him quietly suffer, she wanted it for him. She just wanted it to come in some
other form. Something that didn't involve ruining her life. Settling back onto
the couch she pulled her robe tightly around her as she stared dully at the
blank tv screen. Dennis flicked it on, but she shook her head, motioning for him
to turn it off. She wanted the quiet.

She was still just sitting when the doorbell rang. Her stomach clenched as she
stood, her eyes clouded as she made her way to the door. Opening it, she sucked
back a gasp at the appearance of the three people standing there. Buffy and
Angel were supporting Doyle, but they didn't look a lot better than him.
Especially Angel, she hadn't realized until now how much abuse he used to be
able to take.

Cordelia stepped back from the door slowly, for once not speaking as she
motioned for them to come in. She didn't look at them as she helped Doyle onto
the couch. What was there to say? She knew the demon was dead, they wouldn't be
here if it wasn't. Her voice, when it came, was disembodied and hard. "I'll take
care of him. I know..." She paused, her lips pursed as she turned slightly to
face them. "I know you two want to be alone." There was bitterness and anger in
her voice, selfish pain over the loss of her new life, but something else
hovered behind it, a tinge of jealousy, and maybe even understanding. "He's fine
with me."

"I know." Angel whispered, his hand reaching out to entwine with Buffy's. He
gave Cordelia a small smile, nodding his head slightly. "We'll work it out
Cordelia."

"Yeah." She murmured, her hand running gently over a bruise on Doyle's temple.
He groaned, shifting slightly. Her heart sped up as she stared at his beaten
face. "Doyle?" She asked, her voice soft. "Can you hear me?"

"He'll be okay Cordy." Buffy offered. "He was awake in the car."

Cordelia stiffened, keeping her head low. "Why don't you just leave?" She wasn't
sure if she meant the apartment, or their lives. Not that it made any
difference, soon they would be doing both. She wanted to take care of Doyle,
wanted to be there when he woke up again. The thought that this might be the
last time flickered in her mind and she pushed it away. "I'm used to patching
him up." Focusing her attention totally on caring for Doyle, the click as the
door shut behind them only registered in the slight relaxation of her shoulder
muscles.

She kept busy, cleaning the blood from his face, and putting ice on the
swelling. Her hands were gentle and she murmered quietly to him as she worked,
unaware of what she said. Finally she sat on the couch, his head cradled in her
lap, and gently ran her fingers through his hair as she waited for him to wake
up.

"Cordelia?" Doyle mumbled when his eyes finally blinked open. "How did I get
here?"

"Romeo and Juliet dropped you off. They're sorry they couldn't stay, but they've
got better things to do now." She struggled for light sarcasm, but helpless
anger rolled through her voice.

"Don't." Doyle pleaded, pulling himself into a sitting position, wincing as he
did. "Man, that hurts." He complained, his hand moving up to support his head.

"Why were you even fighting? Super chick was there." She climbed to her feet as
she spoke, heading towards the kitchen. "I'm making you tea."

"You can make tea?" He inquired doubtfully. Swinging his legs off the couch, he
swallowed back the nausea the movement created. "I'd rather have whiskey, or
even..."

"Forget it." She yelled, banging things around in the kitchen. Appearing in the
doorway she shook her head at him. "You're going to be looking for work soon,
not many people are going to want to hire a drunk."

"I'm not a drunk." He argued weakly. "I've just had a very bad night."

"You always have a very bad night." Cordelia observed as she walked back into
the living room carrying two cans of soda. "I don't have any tea, but this has
caffeine in it." Handing one to him she sat down on the opposite end of the
couch. She watched him carefully from the corner of her eye, nodding when he
opened the can and took a small drink. He would be fine, and if there was one
good thing in the whole mess of bad, it was that the demon fighting was done for
him.

"Are you okay?" He asked when she remained silent for over a minute.

"Great." She answered sarcastically. "Peachy. I'm alive with joy."

"It'll work out." Doyle offered, his eyes blinking tiredly.

"How do you know that?" Cordelia questioned angrily, turning to face him. "As
long as Angel's human, I'm out of a job."

Doyle forced his eyes to remain open as he looked at her. "Do you really want
him to give up the human thing?"

Cordelia bit her lip, her breath coming in low short bursts. She shook her head
reluctantly. "No." Shaking her head harder she sighed before continuing. "I
just...I don't like change. I've had enough of it lately, and I, well, liked is
too strong a word, but things were okay. I was doing okay. Maybe I'm not a star
yet, but I will be, and working with you guys isn't the worst thing in the
world."

"Thanks." Doyle murmured before clutching his head in agony. "No. Not again." He
collapsed against the couch, his eyes rolling back in his head.

"Doyle?" Cordelia's voice was panicked as she touched his shoulder. "Are you
having a vision?"
Nodding numbly, he shut his eyes against the pain. "Why are you having another
vision? Shouldn't they be done now? Angel looked as bad as you tonight, so we're
definitely out of business."

His eyes remained closed as the vision ended, his body shivering in pain.
"No..."

"What?" Cordelia demanded, shaking his arm roughly. "What did you see? What's
wrong?"

"Angel. I knew it. He wouldn't meet my eyes." Doyle murmured to himself.
Cordelia stared at him in wide-eyed confusion, fear building in her heart. "He's
going back."

"What are you talking about?" Cordelia questioned frantically. "Going back? What
does that mean? Is Angel...is he..." She hesitated, swallowing nervously. "Is he
going to die?"

Doyle opened his eyes; his face betraying the fear the vision had left him. "He
was a vampire again."

"A vampire? A bad vampire? Oh God, he's evil again. I knew it. I just knew it.
Leave it to Buffy to ruin everything." Cordelia ranted, her voice rising in
distress.

"Stop." Doyle ordered, rocking slowly back and forth in his seat. "I need to
think."

"About what?" Cordelia demanded, throwing her robe to the floor as she slipped
into her shoes. "There's nothing to think about. We have to stop him."

"He's not evil Cordy." Doyle spoke shortly, struggling to regain his composure.
"It's okay. He's not evil."

Cordelia stopped with her hand on the door. "Not evil?" She walked back to him
slowly, her breath still coming quickly. "Then why do you look like someone just
walked over your grave?"

"I think someone did." Doyle replied staring down at his shaking hands.

"What does that mean?" Cordelia questioned. It couldn't mean, it didn't mean...
"Doyle?"

"Nothing." He shook his head, climbing to his feet. He wobbled slightly, his
lips curling into a smile. "Don't worry princess, it's all good. You'll still
have your job."

"No." She shook her head in growing horror. "No. Please."

"It's okay." He repeated stubbornly.

"It isn't." She whispered, surprised at the tears that sprang suddenly to her
eyes. "You saw yourself, didn't you? Something bad is going to happen to you."

"Princess..."

"Don't." She ordered, walking over to stand in front of him. "You tell me what
you saw. I'm not some little girl you need to protect. I want to know."

Doyle shook his head mutely, averting his eyes from hers. "It's not a big deal."

"What did you see?" She demanded, apprehension overtaking rational thought.

"Some demons...a little fight...it's nothing." He could only whisper the words,
his voice wasn't strong enough for more.

"Did you get hurt?" She whispered back, her eyes finding his and locking onto
them. He didn't answer her, but the pain she saw told her what she needed to
know. "You did." He tried to look away, and in that second she knew the truth.
"You died. Oh God, you died." It was hard to breathe, or move, or think, she
could only stare at him as the horror on her face began to match his.

"Cordy..."

"Don't." She cut him off, shaking her head as she backed away from him. "It's
okay, you're right. Angel's human now. You're not going to die, cause he's
human."

Doyle smiled gently at her, his composure returning as hers fell apart. "It's my
time."

"No it's not." She whispered vehemently. This wasn't happening. It couldn't
happen. "Angel will be happy with Buffy. He's not going to give her up. Trust
me."

"He will." Doyle refuted her words gently. "He's a fighter who can't fight. I
could see it in his eyes tonight. He knows he can't stay human."

"No." She murmured as tears slipped from her eyes. Reaching up she brushed them
away angrily. "This isn't going to happen. It's not. You don't know how much he
loves her. She's everything to him, he won't give her up."

"He will, if it means her life." Doyle whispered.

She reached out, her fingers finding his arm and clinging to it. "Don't do
this." She pleaded with him. There wasn't any way he could accept this. She
could never accept it. Not him.

Doyle straightened his shoulders, nodding his head as he placed his hand over
hers. "There are things you need to know. Things I should have told you..."

"No." She interrupted him. "Don't. Please." He opened his mouth to continue, but
she cut him off again. "Wait. Don't say anything."

"I have to tell you." He began again.

Cordelia's lips trembled violently as she shook her head. "Please." Her voice
was desperate as she wiped tears from her face. "You know, you were right about
Buffy. I am jealous of her. I have been for a long time. People love her, it's
not just Angel. She makes people light up when she walks into a room."

"Princess..."

"Wait." She begged, her voice tight with emotion. "You have to understand. I've
never had that before. Never."

"You will." He promised, reaching out to brush the tears from her cheek.

"No." Shaking her head she pressed her face tightly against his hand. "Can't you
see? I have it now. You do that." Her lower lip trembled as she continued. "You
care about me, even when I'm selfish, or tactless, you still care. You're the
only person who has ever made me feel like I'm really important to them."

"You are important to me." Doyle whispered, his hand shaking against her cheek.
"But you don't fight the powers that be. Angel's going to go back, and I'm going
to die."

"Then tell him." She begged, reaching up to press his hand tighter against her
face. The feel of his skin against hers only made her fear increase. He was too
calm, too accepting. "Stop him."

"He needs to protect people. It's not about me." Doyle explained sadly.

"You're his friend." She whispered desperately. "You should be more important
that some nameless people."

"I'll be fine." He reassured her.

"You'll be dead." She corrected, her eyes welling with fresh tears. "I don't
want you dead. I want you here. I want your hangovers and your puppy dog eyes,
and your horrible clothes and..." Pausing, she sucked in a deep breath,
struggling to control her tears. "Doyle, please..."

"It will all work out." He promised, pulling her into his arms and holding on
tightly. She lifted her head, her eyes pleading even as her lips covered his.
She whimpered as he kissed her, her fingers clenching his shirt. She deepened
the kiss, her mouth searching his. Forcing himself to pull away, he separated
himself from her. "I can't. I...there's something I have to tell
you...before..."

"I don't want to know." She whispered, her hands sliding back around his neck.
"I don't want to know anything else."

"Cordy, please listen to me." He begged, his voice wavering slightly. "I need to
be the one to tell you this. I don't want you to find out..."

"After." Finishing his sentence for him she shook her head in denial as fresh
tears filled her eyes. "You don't want me to find out after you die." She
accused, her chin wobbling as she stared at him. "Then don't die."

"It's not my choice." Doyle whispered, lifting one hand to run through her hair.
He closed his eyes, a small smile lighting his face. "It's never been my
choice."

"Because it's Angel's." She stated, her face hardening as she moved away from
him. "Then I'll stop him." Resolved filled her, drying her tears as she walked
towards the door, unaware that she was still only dressed in shorts and a
t-shirt.

"Cordy..." Doyle whispered fondly before chasing after her, pulling her to a
stop in front of the door. "It won't make any difference."

"I have to try." She blew out a sigh, her body slumping in defeat. "You can't
just give up."

Doyle smiled sadly, his hands softening their grip on her. "I'm not giving up."
Taking her hand he led her to the couch, sitting down close to her. "I gave up a
long time ago."

"That's stupid." She retorted, pushing her hair behind her shoulders as she
leaned closer to him. "So you drank. And gambled. And wore horrible clothes.
That doesn't mean you don't deserve to live."

Hiding a smile he answered her. "It's not that. I found out something...when I
was married to Harry, and it changed my life."

"Is that why you stopped teaching?" She questioned.

"She told you?" He asked before nodding. "But yes. I didn't think I could
continue teaching. I didn't think I could be married, or do anything that I used
to love to do."

She tilted her head, her eyes puzzled as she watched him. Finally she shook her
head, her jaw clenching tightly. "It doesn't matter. Whatever it was, it doesn't
mean that you should die."

"Maybe not that, but what I did after. I was pretty much a waste of a...a
human." He smiled at her through suddenly clouded vision.

"I don't believe it." She said, reaching out to lay her hand on his. Her fingers
moved slowly, tracing the contours of his fingers. "No one who cares like you do
could ever be a waste."

"I want to tell you." He murmured, his eyes fixated on the joined hands in his
lap. "But I'm afraid."

"Don't be." Taking a long breath she slid closer, wrapping her legs underneath
her as she settled her head on his shoulder. "I know I'm not the most
non-judgmental person you've ever met, but once I accept someone, it's usually
for good." Sitting up suddenly she met his eyes. "Unless you cheated on me." A
slight blush tinted her cheeks as she looked down again. "Which you couldn't
have, because you didn't know me. And we aren't even dating now."

"Would you?" He asked cautiously. "If I asked?"

"Yes." She replied immediately, her eyes shiny as she looked at him. "But first,
you have to not die."

"I'll work on it." He whispered, pulling her body closer to him. She curled up,
her limbs pliant as they molded to his body. "I still have to tell you..."

"Can it wait?" Cordelia whispered in a soft voice. "I just want to sit with
you."

"You might not...when you know." He admitted, his voice rough. Her lips pressed
into his neck gently before she lifted her head. Smiling sadly she leaned
forward, her lips joining his softly. His hand moved up her back, cupping her
neck as the kiss deepened. His tongue slipped between her lips as she moaned
softly.

When they finally broke apart, they were both breathing heavily. "Wow."

"I'd second that." He murmured, his hands sliding over her back.

She was quiet for a long moment before speaking again. "I'm not going to let you
die." Her voice was confident and her eyes clear as she looked at him. "I
can't."

"Cordy..." He pleaded gently. She shook her head, refusing to listen to his
words. He was important to her, she hadn't realized how much until she found out
she was losing him.

"Didn't you have something to tell me?" She asked, changing the subject.
Snuggling back into his arms she kissed his cheek before laying her head back on
his shoulder.

He nodded, his arms encircling her waist. "Later. I'll tell you later." She
closed her eyes, sighing sleepily as her body relaxed against his. He stared
down at her dark head for a long while, listening to her breathing slow as she
fell asleep in his arms. The ring of the alarm clock woke her. She shifted, a
smile lighting her face as she stared at the sleeping man who held her. When he
woke they would go to Angel and tell him about the vision. Angel would be on her
side, she was sure of it. Running her fingers along Doyle's cheek she smiled at
him. She would give him until nine before waking him. He deserved the sleep.
Laying her head back down on his shoulder she waited as time slipped away.



The radio announcer cheerfully proclaimed the time as Cordelia and Doyle carried
their mochachino's to a seat. Cordelia continued to ramble on about Buffy and
Angel as she climbed onto the stool. "Okay, it's nine, if we go back around
twelve they should be finished." At Doyle's disbelieving look she added. "I'm
telling you, they'll fight for hours."

Doyle shook his head, taking the stool next to hers. "Shouldn't we be there?
Moral support or something?"

Cordelia shook her head at him, sipping carefully on the hot drink. "What are we
going to do? Watch as they rehash every tragic detail of their life. I can give
you the short version. He's a vampire, she's the Slayer. Not going to work."

"I kinda figured that part out Cordy." Doyle remarked. "We still should have
stuck around."

Cordelia sighed heavily, slipping down from the stool. "If you're not going to
drop it, we may as well. I guess I can put up with Buffy for a few hours. It's
not like she's going to be sticking around."

Doyle shivered, his face paling slightly before he spoke. "No, I guess she won't
be." He slid off the stool, reaching out to grab Cordelia's hand. She raised an
eyebrow at him, but didn't pull away. "Angel will need us then."

Cordelia smirked, "Are you kidding? He'll just hide in his apartment and mope."
Shaking her head, she pulled him towards the door. "Come on. If we're doing
this, we might as well do it."

Doyle allowed her to pull him out into the bright sunshine. Glancing up at the
sky he murmured, "He really loves her."

Cordelia looked over at him and nodded. "It's kinda nice." Realizing what she
said, she quickly added. "Other than the whole never being able to be together
without destroying the world thing."

"Other than that." Doyle agreed.

"It must be hard." She mused softly. "To let go of someone you love, even if
it's for the greater good."

"That it is." Doyle murmured, a shadow passing over his face. He squeezed her
fingers tightly. "That it is."

end

Feedback

C/D Fic // Andrea Fic