Disclaimers: All characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy and the WB.
Summary: My version of how Xander came to buy Cordy's prom dress. Yup,
it's good and Jossed. :)

It was already long past eleven by the time Cordelia finished the list
of things her boss had ordered her to do before leaving. Flicking the
alarm on Cordelia pulled the door shut behind her with a satisfying
slam. Thrusting the key in the lock she turned it viciously, frustration
rolling off her in waves. She stalked away from the door, heading
towards her car and then stopped, turning back to look at the shabby bar
only two doors down from the shop. Shifting from one foot to the other
she pursed her lips taking one last look at her car before walking
towards the bar. She paused outside the door, pulling the staid blouse
that covered her tank top off and tying it around her waist. Sighing
loudly she yanked the door open with one hand, as she released her hair
from its clip with the other, letting it fall loosely around her
shoulders. Putting her best arrogant face on she swung her hips as she
entered the dark room.

It took her eyes a few minutes to adjust to the smoky air, and then she
made her way to the bar, sitting down heavily on one of the stools and
staring insolently at the bartender. He stared back, obviously preparing
to ask her for ID. Narrowing her eyes she waited until he finally
nodded, and walked over to her. "What can I get you?"

She hesitated for a moment, panicking slightly as she tried to remember
a name of a drink, any drink. "Vodka." Her voice was husky, and didn't
sound like her.

"Straight?" The bartender asked, a knowing smile lighting his face.

Cordelia swallowed, figuring if her mother could do it, so could she. "A
double."

He shrugged, placing a glass on the bar and filling it quickly before
sliding it to her. She wrapped her fingers around it, staring at the
clear liquid for a moment before picking it up and downing it in one
motion. She felt the burn travel down to her stomach, and fought
desperately to keep her surprise off her face. Once she was sure she
could speak without coughing she motioned to him. "Another."

He filled her glass silently, pushing it to her. "Want to talk about
it?"

"No," she said shortly, picking up the glass and shooting it into her
mouth. She didn't want to talk about; she didn't even want to think
about it, which was why she was here. She wanted one moment where she
didn't have to remember that she was poor, that the only way she was
getting a new dress for the prom was if she worked twelve hours a day
for the next month, which was pretty much impossible considering the
prom was only two days away. She wanted to forget that for one minute
tonight she had actually considered stealing the dress. Stealing, her,
Cordelia Chase was actually thinking of committing a crime so that she
could have a new dress for the prom. A prom she didn't even have a date
for, due to the geek she had fallen for, and been cheated on by. Anger
rose in her throat as she pointed to the glass, her eyes hard as she
watched the bartender fill it again.

She swallowed this drink leisurely, the burn in her stomach fading into
a pleasant warmth. Glancing at the clock above the bar she saw that it
was just past midnight, at least she could be sure her mother would be
passed out by the time she got home. She almost smiled at the bartender,
then thought better of it. There was no way she was going to be one of
those losers, pouring out their troubles to a stranger in a seedy bar.
She was still Cordelia Chase, even if she didn't have money, or friends,
or even the respect of the sheep. Hot tears filled her eyes, and she
let one fall before choking the rest of them back. She wasn't crying,
she wasn't. Not anymore. She had cried enough to last her a lifetime,
now all she wanted was for the year to finish, and to leave Sunnydale
behind forever.

But she had wanted to go to the prom, had wanted to pretend for one
night that her life hadn't turned into this nightmare. She had dreamed
of her senior prom for so long, imagining it as a perfect night, and she
felt as if she couldn't have that memory she would never have anything.
It was Xander who had stolen this from her, making her feel things that
she should never have let herself feel, especially for him. But he had,
and she had, and then he had discovered Willow. And then Faith, she
reminded herself, her stomach churning as she thought of it. Xander and
that whore with their limbs tangled together, Xander doing things to
Faith that he should have been doing to her. Slinging back the last of
the Vodka, she slammed the glass on the bar, waving her fingers at the
bartender. "Another."

"Are you sure? You've already had three." The bartender had a nice voice
she realized, soft and caring. It made her angry.

"Your concern is touching." She said scathingly, "But I don't want it."

"Look, miss..."

"Save it." She cut him off, standing up quickly, and grabbing onto the
bar when the room spun around her. "I don't need some loser's pity."
Letting go of the bar, she prayed that she could stay on her feet as she
threw a twenty on the bar. She watched it settle in the condensation
from her drink with a pang. There went her trip to the manicurist.
Turning she walked away from the bar, swaying slightly as she made her
way back out onto the deserted street. She walked haltingly to her car,
fumbling in her purse for her keys. After three attempts to unlock her
door she gave up, sliding to the ground beside her car, and sobbing. She
didn't hear the person approaching her until a hand touched her
shoulder. Jumping, she had her cross in her hand in seconds, holding it
in front of her as she looked up.

She swore, recognizing those eyes through the liquor and the tears that
clouded her vision. "Xander."

"Cordelia, what happened? Are you okay? Was it vampires?" Xander spoke
quickly, reaching down to pull her to her feet. She let him haul her up,
not looking at him again as she leaned against the car, not sure if her
legs would hold her.

"Cordelia?" Xander began again.

"I'm fine." She managed to say, her head spinning as she tried to figure
out how to get away from him.

"What happened?"

"No...Nothing...I..."She struggled to speak, but the words wouldn't
come. Cursing herself she tried again. "I'm fine, now if you don't
mind..." Her voice sounded very far away, and she covered her face with
her hands.

"If you're so fine, then why are your words slurred?" Xander pressed,
moving even closer to her.

She panicked, pushing him away with her hands. "Go away."

"You're drunk." Xander accused her quietly.

"I'm not drunk, I'm Cordelia Chase." She answered, finding herself
incredibly funny. Giggling helplessly, she slid down the car again,
ending up sitting on the ground. "Cordelia Chase is perfect, she
wouldn't get drunk." Laughing even louder, she looked up at him. "Of
course Cordelia Chase wouldn't have given you the time of day."

Xander was silent, staring at her with an expression she couldn't read.
She laughed harder, wanting him to get the joke. "I guess that proves
it, I'm not Cordelia Chase, I've been taken over by aliens whose only
goal is to ruin my life."

"Cordelia..." Xander whispered his voice full of pity.

'Don't." She warned him, all traces of laughter leaving her voice.
"Don't you dare feel sorry for me. I'm better than you, I'll always be
better than you. So you don't have to feel bad for me."

"Let me get you home." Xander said, reaching down to grab her arms.

She pulled away from him, climbing unsteadily to her feet. When she
finally made it, she looked up at him, hating herself and him for the
worry in his eyes. "Fuck you."

"Do you want me to drive you?"

"Is that what you said to Faith?" Cordelia inquired angrily. "Did you
rescue her from herself and then fuck her?"

"Cordelia, this isn't the time."

"Oh, so when is the time, when you're mooning over Willow? Did it hurt
Xander, when she went back to Oz? Did you cry yourself to sleep at night
because you lost her?" Her voice was loud, wild, and she hated it as
much as she hated him.

Xander didn't answer, leaning over and picking up her purse from the
ground. He didn't look at her as he dug in it. Her car keys were in his
hand when he looked at her again. "I'll drive."

"No," Cordelia spat at him. "You're not driving my car."

"I have my license." Xander said mildly, his voice low.

Cordelia shivered, feeling lust swirl in her stomach. She had loved his
voice when it got low, when he was saying things in her ear, and his
tongue had done those wonderful things to her earlobe. The memory of how
completely she had fallen for him made her voice bitter. "I don't want
you in my car. You're a loser, and I don't let loser's in my car." Dimly
she realized that it wasn't her best line ever, but she couldn't clear
the fog from her head.

"You can't drive." Xander said slowly, his voice still calm. She hated
it, hated him having this to hold over her too. It made her want to
scratch at him until blood poured from his body. She wanted to hit him
until he felt as much pain as she did. "I'll walk you home," he said
finally.

"Who said I was going home?" Cordelia argued, "Maybe I was going to your
place. Isn't that were all the drunks live?"

Anger shimmered in his eyes for a minute before it disappeared. He shook
his head as he spoke again. "I can't leave you."

"Why not? You did before." Her voice broke, and she turned away,
stumbling down the street, desperate to get away from him before she
broke down. Before he could see the pain she still felt. She tripped,
almost falling but managed to keep going. The street seemed quiet, and
she thought he had let her go when a hand circled her arm.

"I didn't cry for Willow." His voice was liquid in her ears, and she
lifted her tearstained face to look at him. "I cried for you, for what I
did to you, for the pain I caused you."

She sniffed, wiping at her eyes with a clumsy hand. His words should
have helped, should have made her feel better, but all she heard was
what he didn't say. There was nothing about wishing that he hadn't lost
her, nothing about his undying love. Her stomach lurched, bile rising in
her throat, and she pulled away from him, the contents of her stomach
spilling out on the ground in front of him. When she was finished, he
was behind her, holding her body upright as she sagged against him. "Let
me go." Her voice was small, and weak, and she didn't move a muscle.

His arms tightened, holding her even closer to him. "Let me take you
home? Please?"

She nodded slightly, all fight gone out of her. "You can drive me."

His arms supported her as they walked the short distance back to her
car. She leaned against the back door as he opened the front and helped
her in. Laying her head back against the seat she closed her eyes, not
noticing as he picked up the pay stub that had been sitting on the
driver's seat. "Cordelia? When did you get a job?"

"When my Father lost all his money." She answered without thinking, the
liquor opening her mouth for her. "I had to get a job if I wanted a
dress for the prom."

"Cordy..." He began.

"No..." She interrupted, pleading with him not to pity her for this; she
couldn't stand it if he did that. She had to take it back, make it go
away before that happened. "I'm lying. I don't have to work, I just
wanted to see how the other half lived. It was Daddy's idea, he thinks
I'm spoiled." The words fell easily from her mouth, the same lie she had
told Harmony, and the others in case they happened to come in the shop.

Xander turned in his seat, his dark eyes searching hers. She held the
contact, struggling to keep all emotion from her face, but she had no
idea if she was succeeding. Finally he nodded, a small smile turning up
the corners of his mouth. "You are a spoiled brat." His voice was light,
teasing, and relief flooded her.

"At least I'm not a geek." She smiled back as she spoke, her voice free
of venom. The relief combined with the liquor made her drowsy, and she
closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep as the car drove slowly down the
road.

She forced her eyes open when she realized the car wasn't moving
anymore. Xander was sitting sideways in his seat, looking at her with a
confused expression. Her head pounded loudly in her ears, and she
wondered how her Mother did it. Reaching for the door handle, she met
his eyes. "Bring the car back in the morning."

"I can walk." Xander whispered.

"Not in Sunnydale," she answered quietly, not wanting to disturb her
head.

Xander nodded, lifting his eyebrows as he considered her. "I won't tell
anyone."

She swallowed, her stomach rolling nervously, not sure if he meant about
her being drunk, or if he had seen the truth about her family that she
wanted to hide. Choosing to believe the former, she climbed out of the
car. "Thank you," she whispered.

She was inside the door before she heard the car drive away. Leaning on
the closed door for a minute, she let the tears stream down her face,
then she made her way slowly up the stairs to her room.

It was late afternoon when she woke; her head feeling like it would
explode any minute. She stared at the message light on her answering
machine, knowing what the message would be. 'Cordelia, you're fired.'
Erasing the message without listening to it, she headed into her
bathroom.
She felt a bit more human after her shower, and still wearing her robe,
she made her way downstairs. Her Mother was sitting in the living room,
an empty bottle of Vodka on the table next to her. Cordelia's stomach
turned at the sight of it, and she spun around, not wanting to face it,
or her Mother. The front door was open, and she caught sight of her car
parked in the driveway, obviously newly washed. She smiled wanly at it,
noticing the keys sitting on the table beside the door. Picking them up,
she held them tightly, not wanting them to jingle.

Her Mother chose that moment to stumble out of the living room, a large
box in her hands. "This was left for you." Holding it out to Cordelia
she spun around as soon as she had taken it from her. Keeping the box
gingerly clasped in her hands she made her way back to her bedroom,
sitting it on her bed and staring at it.

She stared at it for over an hour before she finally reached out and
pulled the top off. Pulling the tissue away she choked back a sob as she
saw what it was.
Taking the dress carefully from the box, she checked for a note, but
found none. Holding the dress tightly to her, she danced around the
room, ignoring her headache as she did.

She paused in front of the mirror, looking at the dress with more awe
than she had ever looked at any piece of clothing before. Xander, she
thought longingly, and then pushed it away. Xander didn't do this for
her, he couldn't have. Where would he have gotten the money for this
dress? Why would he have spent his money on this dress? Pity? Guilt?
Love? It was the last thought that stopped her, her face falling as she
dropped the dress back on the bed. Xander didn't love her, had never
felt anything but lust for her. Someone else must have done it, someone
who wasn't Xander.

Wesley. His name appeared in her head as she conjured up an image of the
new Watcher. He must have bought it. Ignoring the voice in her head that
said he would never have known her size, or the kind of dress she liked,
or that she couldn't afford to buy it herself, she smiled. Wesley had
bought it for her, and tomorrow at the Prom she would show him how
grateful she was. Picking up the dress again, she let her robe drop to
the floor as she slipped the dress over her head. Staring at her
reflection in the mirror, she imagined the handsome Watcher asking her
to dance. She spun around the room, ignoring her heart, and the name
that kept repeating in her head.

Xander.
~~~~~

Oh, and I remembered another fic. A C/X fic called 'If I Wrote You' but
I don't seem to have it. I think it's at Bucky's though, so I'll ask
Melissa about it.

Okay, it's time to attempt the attachments. I think I've got all of them
now. Oh, and I'm adding on the next few chapters of AAVGL. It's done
now, I just need Christine to help me decide the ending. I've written
three separate versions, which is just sick. :)

Andrea


This was obviously how her life was going to be now. For eighteen years she had
everything she wanted, and now, for the rest of it, she would get nothing.

She had been in her apartment for what seemed like days and the minute she
decided to run to the store with the dollar she had found under the cushions
someone called. The message light blinked accusingly at her, and she blew out a
calming breath before hitting the play button.

This would be it, she told herself. It had to be. She hadn't bought groceries in
over a week, and the loaf of bread she had spent her dollar on wouldn't last
forever. It would be okay, someone would recognize her undeniable talent and
that would be it. She would be famous within the year, the month even.

The machine beeped, and a deep voice poured from it.

"Cordelia? Xander. I'm in LA, and I got your number...and I...I'm not sure why I
called. I'm headed back to Sunnydale, and I wanted to say hi. Maybe see how
you're doing, if you're not too famous to talk to a loser like me. Okay, anyway,
I'll be at the Cellar until five. I'd..I'd like to see you."

Xander. Not the person she was expecting, or wanted to hear from, but for some
reason a smile had spread widely across her face. He might be a loser, and a
cheat, but he was also someone she knew, and right now, she wanted more than
anything to see a familiar face. Glancing down at her outfit, she decided
quickly that the t-shirt and pants would have to do. They weren't exactly
Cordelia Chase clothes, but then again, she couldn't afford Cordelia Chase
clothes anymore.

Slipping her sandals back on her feet she raced quickly out the door and down
the street. It wasn't until she was standing outside of the Cellar that she
thought to wonder why Xander had picked a coffee shop so close to her house. It
wasn't as if she lived in the best neighborhood in LA. Deciding that she didn't
want to know the answer she pushed the door open and stepped into the cool
air-conditioned space.

He was sitting at a corner booth, his head turned away from her. She paused,
feeling her face break out in a happy grin that she wanted to disappear before
she faced him. Dropping her head she made her way to him, avoiding the sticky
coffee stains on the unwashed floor. "Xander." Her voice was cool, and slightly
haughty, which she congratulated herself for. He looked up, his face immediately
brightening as he stood, his arms reaching out as if he wanted hug her. She
pulled back slightly, ignoring the part of her that wanted to hug him back.
"Seen enough of the world already? Or is the real world too aware of what a
loser you are?"

Xander flinched, his smile fading momentarily before coming back in full force
as he motioned her into the booth. "It's always good to see you Cor, you keep me
humble."

"As you should be." She answered tartly, sliding into the seat across from him.
Xander grinned, leaning back against the booth lazily. "Well, you wanted to see
me."

"And I'm already regretting it." Xander replied, his eyes sparkling in the way
she used to find so irresistable as he stared at her. "But, I asked you here,
the least I can do is buy you a coffee."

"I'll say." Cordelia countered, allowing herself an internal sigh of relief.
Coffee, with real cream and lots of sugar. It would be enough to keep her going
for another day. Maybe he would even offer to buy her a donut, or better, a
muffin. Her mouth started to water, and she forced herself to focus on Xander.
He looked good, she realized. Better than before. His shoulders had filled out,
and he had a calmness that she didn't think he had before. His trip must have
been good for him, of course, getting away from Buffy and Willow had to be good
for him. How could it not be? "How was your trip?"

Xander looked warily at her, and she put on her best
I-care-more-about-what-you're-saying-than-the-huge-sale-at-Bloomingdales face.
It worked and he leaned forward, talking animatedly. "It was amazing. I went
everywhere and met tons of people, and worked at some really interesting jobs.
Like in Montana I worked as a cattle hand, and in New York I was a bicycle
messenger. All in all, a truly life changing experience."

Cordelia swallowed, angry with herself for actually feeling envious of Xander's
summer. He had done what he set out to do, and here she was, still struggling.
Actually, worse than struggling, she was flat out failing, and it wasn't a nice
feeling. Pasting a smile on her face she spoke. "I'm glad. Everyone should have
one moment in their life that's good. I guess that was yours."

"Well at least my moment wasn't being the most popular girl in High School."
Xander retorted.

"Right. Like you could ever have what it takes to be popular." Cordelia spat
back at him. They glared at each other silently until the waiter arrived with
their drinks. Grabbing the sugar off the table she poured it into hers, ignoring
the strange look he gave her. "And what about the future? Have you made any
plans other than following Buffy around like a puppy? I, at least, have spent
the summer starting my career."

"And how's that going?" Xander asked snidely.

"Great." She answered brightly, deciding that the time for truth telling was
long past. She wasn't giving him the satisfaction of knowing how miserable she
was. "I've been getting a lot of print ads, and a small role in a commercial.
Plus, my agent just booked me an audition for a soap." Giving him her best
superior look she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Well, being the vapid pretty face is your talent." Xander said smoothly,
stirring his coffee casually.

"At least I have a talent." Cordelia countered, smiling prettily at him. "While
you are destined to be a nobody forever."

Xander frowned, averting his eyes from hers to look around the run down coffee
shop. Turning back to her, his lips curled upwards in a satisfied smile. "Not
the best part of town you're living in Cordy."

"What makes you think I live here?" She replied disdanfully.

"You put your address in the phone book." Xander answered, his eyes laughing at
her discomfort.

"Oh." She murmered, stirring her coffee nervously. "Well, I lived around here
for a while. Before I was discovered." She smiled lightly at him, determined
that he would believe her lie. "I'm living in a condo now, on the beach. I just
kept the number so I wouldn't miss any calls."

"And yet you got here so quickly." He mocked her.

"I was doing a shoot not far from here." She blurted, remembering why she never
lied. It was too hard, and things got confusing quickly. "One of those help the
homeless things." Hopefully that would explain her less than Cordy clothes.

Xander raised his eyebrows, looking like he was going to press her for further
details, but instead he nodded. "Well, a city as fake as this was made for you."

She was too busy being relieved to be angry at his remark. Picking up her coffee
cup she drained the last of it, eyeing his half-full glass longingly. "Are you
going to drink that?"

"What?" Xander questioned, following the path of her eyes. Pushing the cup to
her, he answered. "No. Take it. I always forget that I hate coffee."

"It must be hard." Cordelia commiserated, a smirk lighting her face as she
lifted the coffee to her lips. "Only having the limited brain power you do."
Xander looked down, his tanned cheeks reddening slightly. Cordelia frowned,
wishing she had taken a minute to think before she spoke. "You do really well
with what you have." She offered, trying to erase the spark of hurt from his
eyes. "I mean, I...I dated you."

"And I screwed it up." Xander added, slumping back in his seat, his hands spread
wide on the table, as if he was opening himself to her attack.

"Yeah." She agreed softly, her hand travelling unconsciously to her stomach. The
scar didn't hurt any more, it had faded away with her sense of betrayal. "You
and Willow had to happen someday. I just wish you had waited until we were
over."

"You think we would have broken up any way?" Xander asked curiously, his face
guileless.

She laughed shortly, raising her eyebrows as if he had gone crazy. "You don't?"

"I don't know." He admitted, shrugging his shoulders, "Before the...thing, we
were really getting along. You had my picture in your locker." The last sentence
was said with the same sense of surprise that had accompanied his discovery of
the pictures.

"And you were already kissing Willow." She scrunched her nose as she spoke,
keeping her voice level. "If that's not a sign of something being wrong, I don't
know what is."

Xander chewed on his lip, his dark eyes hidden by the sudden burst of sunlight
coming in through the window. He shifted in his seat, leaning forward across the
table, his hands still spread palm up on the table. "I never meant to hurt you."
He paused, swallowing hard before continuing. "I honestly never thought I
could."

"You didn't." She replied defensively, cradling her arms across her stomach.
"The spike through my stomach hurt. You didn't."

"I meant by cheating." Xander clarified gently.

"So did I." She barked, refusing to give him the satisfaction of hearing her
admit he had. Forgiveness was one thing, being a sappy fool was another. Xander
Harris didn't need to know that she had loved him. Didn't need to know that now,
in LA, she still felt a strange softness in her heart for him.

"Okay." Xander gave in, bringing his hands back towards his chest. He slid
towards the entrance to the booth, checking his watch as he did. "I should get
going."

"Back to good old Sunnydale." She meant for her voice to be condescending but a
note of wistfulness crept in.

"Will you ever be back?" Xander asked, pausing at the edge of the booth.

"No." She shook her head. "There isn't anything there for me."

"We're there." Xander offered reluctantly.

"All the more reason for me to be here."

Xander frowned, "It wasn't all bad."

Cordelia opened her mouth to disagree, but found herself nodding. "Not all of
it."

Xander grinned at her agreement, reaching across the table to squeeze her hand.
"Here's something to keep you happy for a while." Taking a deep breath he
continued. "I didn't have a great summer. My car fell apart and I ended up
washing dishes in a strip joint, a male strip joint at that, for the summer. I
didn't see anything, or make any new friends." Cordelia felt her mouth hanging
open slightly as he spoke. "So, I guess you were right, I am a loser."

"You're not." She replied, unable to believe she was passing up a chance to
destroy him with her words. "It hasn't been all roses for me either."

"Still live in this neighborhood?" Xander asked gently, his eyes telling her he
knew all along. It didn't surprise her though, he had proven before Prom that he
had more compassion that she had ever given him credit for.

"Yup." She said, a lump filling her throat. "It's not as easy as I thought it
would be."

"You'll make it." Xander reassured her, his eyes crinkling as he smiled. "You
almost made me believe you loved me. If you can do that, you can do anything."

She almost told him she had, but in the end she couldn't find the way around the
walls she had put up to protect herself. "True. Can I put you on my resume?"
Smiling as she spoke, she pulled her hand free from his, setting it in her lap.

Xander nodded, giving her an exaggerated wink. "Especially if it's porn."

"Jerk." She laughed through the tears that suddenly filled her eyes. Dropping
her head, she fiddled with the cooling coffee in front of her. "Have a safe trip
back."

"I will." He stood, hesitating at the edge of the table. "Maybe I'll call you
sometime? So you can make fun of what a loser I am?"

"And you can ask what porno's to be on the lookout for?" She answered with a
smile. "You can call." Her eyes lit as she looked up at him. "Although, when I
make it, you'll probably have to talk to my agent."

"Got it." Xander nodded, smiling at her for a long moment before making his way
out of the shop.

She watched him go, feeling strangely lost and found at the same time. Picking
up his coffee she drained the last of the glass, only catching sight of the bill
lying on the table as she finished. Her hand snaked across the table, lifting it
up to discover the small pile of bills lying under it. Leaving enough for the
bill she put the rest in her pocket, sliding out of the booth. "And that's why I
did love you Xander."

She made her way out into the busy street, a broad smile etched into her face.
He might call, he might not. She might never see his face again, but somehow,
she felt better than she had in a long time. The pile of regrets she carried had
lightened a little, because, whatever else he was, Xander Harris wasn't one of
them.


end

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