disclaimers in part one


PART SEVEN

Willow's motel room
August 21, 1998

Opening the bathroom door carefully Buffy glanced into the room, when Willow didn't turn she quietly slipped past the door and stood there. Watching Willow set the table, marvelling at how normal her actions were. Four plates, four knives, four of everything. It was all so neat, so ordered, so different from the reality they lived in. From the chaos she had subjected them all to. She lingered in the doorway, grateful to be in the room with Willow, without seeing the worry in Willow's eyes, worry that appeared whenever Willow looked at her. The same worry she could see in all of their faces. They tried so hard to cover it, but that only made it worse. She could see it in their eyes, in the stiffness of their movements. They were watching everything she did so carefully, making her afraid she would take a misstep. Every word, every expression had to be so carefully thought out, its effect on them considered. She had damaged them enough, she wouldn't add any more.

Smiling slightly she leaned against the door frame and listened to Willow hum under her breath as she set everything in its place. Plates neatly set, forks on one side, knives on the other, napkins neatly folded. Willow checked her watch and then begin placing the food in the middle of the table. From the amount she set Buffy assumed Giles and Oz would soon be returning. Buffy held her breath then expelled it softly. Almost time to face them again. She leaned against the doorframe
wanting to take these last few minutes to observe Willow. Knowing that as soon as Willow noticed her everything would change. The frown would appear on Willow's brow. Her eyes would cover with worry, shoulders would slump. Her stomach rolling she wondered what she had done to them.

Watching the sunlight catch on Willow's hair she questioned why Willow still seemed so innocent, so undamaged by everything that had happened. When she had been at her darkest point, when the pain of what she had done had been unbearable she had reached out to Willow. Knowing even then, in her darkest moments, that Willow would find her, that Willow would help her, with no expectations or blame. Closing her eyes and feeling her own rage boiling inside her she wished she could be that noble. It was all too easy for her to place blame, to rage against the world. As she finished setting out the dishes Willow turned and saw her standing in the doorway. Watching the anxiety reappear on her face, Buffy wondered if she had been wrong. Maybe Willow was the least innocent of them. Maybe she accepted the bad things so much better because she expected them.

Stepping into the room she fixed her smile in place, needing to take the look of fear off Willow's face. For a moment a slight tinge of anger ran through her. She was so grateful to them for coming for her, for helping her find her feet, but at the same time she felt their rush, their need for her to be the slayer again. They wanted her to just get over it. Thinking they could tell her what she did was okay and she would be fine. Walking over to the table she realized they just didn't understand. They had no idea of the nightmare she had been living these last few months. The black hole she had fallen in to. And in some ways they didn't want to know. They needed her to be the strong one, the one who led them. Sitting down in one of the chairs she poured herself a cup of coffee. Realizing she didn't have any right to burden them any more with her guilt and regrets. They had helped her climb out of the black hole she had been living in, now it would be up to her. Willow was
staring at her, waiting for something, looking scared. Buffy mentally checked herself, clothes were on, smile was in place, hair brushed.

Smiling brightly at Willow, she spoke. "Talking, we should be talking.  Sorry, I haven't talked to many people in the last few months. I guess I'm out of practice."

Picking up a piece of toast, she eyed the room, she had been to out of it last night to notice anything about her surroundings. It was just like every low cost motel room she had stayed in, but at least it was clean. She toyed with the toast, breaking in into small pieces and laying it on her plate. Willow fluttered around her, pouring her some juice, smiling brightly. But her movements were rushed, her shoulders tense. She watched Willow open her mouth to speak then close it. Her face betraying her nervousness, as she kept glancing at the pieces of toast Buffy had put on her plate. Noticing Willow's agitation she forced the toast down her throat not wanting to upset her any more. Suddenly tired, she wondered, was this how it was going to be. Everyone watching to see if she was okay. Poor Buffy, she sent her boyfriend to hell, isn't that sad. But she wasn't okay the voice in her head was screaming. She could never be okay again. The part of her that was okay had gone
into the vortex with Angel. Now she just had a gaping hole inside her. Realizing her hands were clenching the side of the table she let go. Not wanting to worry Willow any more than she already had. Opening her mouth she tried to speak, tried to think of something to say that would make sense.

"I want to go home." She sat, as stunned as Willow looked, at the words that had come from her mouth. Did she really want to go back? To her mother, school, the law? And Angel, the memories would be so strong there. Taking a deep breath she waited for Willow's response.

"Home?" Willow looked stunned, stepping backwards, her look quickly changing to fear. She tried unsuccessfully to cover it with a fake smile.

"Yes, Sunnydale, the Hellmouth, remember?" Leaning forward in her chair, she felt her body tense. Willow's reaction was not right. Her stomach clenched, what terrible thing had happened while she had been gone. How many new deaths were her responsibility? Feeling the darkness beckoning her she pushed it back. No more running, she had to face this head on.
But Willow wasn't answering her, instead she was checking the plates, fiddling with the utensils. Sighing Buffy stood and walked over to her, tried to look into her eyes. Willow immediately broke the eye contact, dropping the spoon she had been holding. Willow tried unsuccessfully to smile at her, failing she turned and scurried away, knocking over a chair in her hurry to escape. Mumbling something about seeing what was holding up Giles and Oz she rushed from the room.

Buffy watched her retreat with a sinking feeling, staring at the door Willow had escaped through. Fighting down her own urge to escape, to run out the door and never look back. The time for running had passed so she sat back down at the table. Picking up a fork she played with a plate of scrambled eggs that Willow had set out. Concentrating on remaining calm, on remaining in the moment she wondered what horrible thing had happened in her absence.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, the word echoed through her mind. What had she been thinking? She hadn't been, that was her problem. It always was her problem. Letting the fork drop on the plate she stood, unable to be still. Pacing around the room she berated herself. What had she caused this time? She laughed, the sound bitter and hollow in the empty room, had she really thought killing a few vampires in LA would make everything okay in Sunnydale. Would she ever get this right? It wasn't about her, it never was. It was duty, her duty. Her duty to guard the Hellmouth. Her duty to kill Angel as soon as he had lost his soul. But no, she had wanted Angel back. And she had wanted to lose herself in the pain of betraying him. Feeling the tears coming she fought them back. Pacing rapidly around the room, a lioness in a cage, she fought to block her emotions. The time for self-pity was over. She had made her choices, now she would live with them.

Hearing the doorknob turn she spun around to face them. Plastering a calm face back on she smiled at them as they entered the room. Giles looked dishevelled as if he had dressed rapidly and his hair was dripping still. Willow looked, if anything, more nervous than before. Oz stood beside Willow, his hand on her arm. Giles cleared his throat, moving closer to where she stood. Her mind raced she waited for someone to speak. No one did, Willow and Giles just kept looking at each other,
then back at her. Realizing she would have to start the conversation, she wished, just once, that they didn't need her to be the leader.

"What is it?" She stared at their faces, seeing no sadness. Wondering why, she hoped that meant that no one had actually died.

Giles began, stumbling over his words, "Um...Well...Um, you see..."

Breaking in, unable to deal with his hesitation she directed her question to Willow. "What? Am I still wanted for murder?"

Willow looked shocked, "No, No. Of course not."

"Then...what?" Taking a deep breath to calm the anger she felt rising.  Her hands clenched at her sides. Did they really think hesitating would make their news better?"

"Buffy..." Willow looked at her, her eyes pleading for patience. Reaching out she grabbed Buffy's hands and held them tightly. Her face was a mixture of pity and fear.

Buffy felt her stomach roll, the toast sitting heavily, "My mother."  Pausing to take a deep breath she whispered, "She doesn't want me back?"

"God, no. Buffy..." Willow said, upset that she hadn't told her about her mother earlier. "I...We talked to your mother. She...She, well she believes now. She wants you home. She misses you. She is so sorry for what happened between you."

"She was just being a mom. A clueless mom, but then again, how many mothers get to see their daughter turn someone to dust right in front of them? She must be so proud." Her bitterness seeped through her words.  Collecting herself she smiled at them, letting them think her sense of humor was returning.

Suddenly a thought occurred to her. Smiling at them she was sure she knew what had them so upset. She pulled her hands away from Willow and walked away from them, back to the table. Throwing the words over her shoulder as she walked away.

"Oh. The thing where I was expelled. No biggie. Herr Synder already shared that news with me." Picking up her coffee she took a sip. And another, when she still got no response she turned back to them. They were still just standing there, Willow standing so close to Oz, Giles rocking back and forth. The same expressions on their face. Her shoulders tensed again. She wanted to yell at them to just say it. Nothing could be that bad. She had sent her boyfriend to hell, what could top that.

Looking at the floor Giles began again, "No. It's not that. We...We can deal with that at some o-other time. We..."

Willow watched Giles, unable to take the tension any longer.  Interrupting him she spoke the words quickly.

"Xander knew." Her voice held just the slightest touch of hysteria.

Buffy looked at her, feeling the floor ripping away underneath her feet once more. Fighting to keep her face calm she stalled for time. Please don't let it have anything to do with what she had done. Please don't let it have anything to do with Angel.

"Knew what?" Taking a deep breath, trying to slow her suddenly racing pulse. Please no, please no, kept running through her head like a prayer.

"Everything." Willow's voice broke. Looking straight at Buffy she began to cry, the tears running silently down her face. Buffy felt her heart stop, then resume. She walked closer to Willow, reaching out, softly brushing the tears away. Concentrating on keeping her voice even she spoke.

"About?" Trying to give herself more time until she had to respond. Xander had known, when she saw him, he had known. She didn't want to know this. She wanted to scream at them to stop. Beg them to keep this secret from her.

"About the curse. About what I was doing." The words tumbled out of Willows mouth as she leaned against Oz for support. "I sent him to tell you. So you could stall. He didn't. I'm sorry." Willow was sobbing now, her face buried into Oz's shoulder.

Buffy stood there, thinking she should feel something, anything. There was nothing there. The black hole begged her to come, but she just stood there frozen. She swallowed, felt a tic begin in her jaw muscle. She couldn't respond to what they had said. Stepping away she distanced herself from them. She wandered slowly around the room. The anger she felt towards Xander pulsed through her, but it wasn't real. It settled into the hole left inside her when Angel had been taken to hell. She knew they were watching her, so she walked over by the bed. Turning to face them she sat down. Not knowing what response they wanted from here she began, "Oh."

"Are you...are you okay? Aren't you mad?" Willow's face was puzzled. Giles just stood there, rocking back and forth, his face a mask of pity.

Looking at her and then to Giles she spoke, "Mad? Why?" Realizing that although the words she would speak may be true she didn't believe them. She was somewhere beyond mad. Feeling every emotion she had ever held for Xander crystallizing into hatred. Using that hatred to cover the wound left in her soul. Used it to hold the rest of her emotions in check. A small part of her mind rebelled, knowing that all anger and hatred directed at Xander was really hers. She deserved this. She pushed the voice away. Closing her eyes she let Xander's betrayal wash over her. Wondering if this was what Angel felt when she betrayed him. Wondering why she was so surprised at Xander's actions. Betrayer, now the betrayed, it was only fair. Xander's actions only served to magnify the horror of her betrayal of Angel. Nothing felt real, the new pain added to the old was just too much. She just felt cold, empty, dead. Knowing they were waiting for her words she spoke them.

"What's that saying?" Pausing, she took a breath and continued. "What goes around, comes around." Her voice felt heavy, the effort it took to speak almost too much. "I betrayed, I was betrayed. Isn't that how it's supposed to go?" Her head swam with visions of Xander telling her, of a reality in which she hadn't sent Angel to hell. Putting her hands to her face to block the visions she continued, "I betrayed Angel. Xander betrayed me. It's fair, don't you think?" Looking up to see Giles and Willow watching her with worried expressions. She smiled, hiding her pain, needing them to let this subject die. She carefully got up from the bed, afraid her numbness would slip and she would begin screaming again. She headed towards the bathroom, finishing her speech as she walked, "I guess in a way Xander betrayed Angel too. Funny, we have something in common." Reaching the bathroom she grabbed the door handle, telling herself that she could do this, she just needed to be alone for a minute. She shut the door behind her, leaving them watching her speechless. Leaning back against the door she breathed deeply for a minute, feeling as though she had just successfully walked through a minefield.

Leaning against the door, she could hear them discussing her. Giles telling Willow that she was just in denial, that eventually the anger would come. She snorted, almost laughed at the thought. She wasn't denying anything. She knew exactly what Xander did, exactly how much his decision had cost her. She just couldn't afford to let it matter. She had made the mistake of following her emotions one too many times. She was the slayer. That was her only priority now. Hurting Xander wouldn't
bring Angel back, nothing could. Walking to the sink she splashed cold water on her face, practicing her smile as she looked into the mirror. She dried her face, hands and turned to leave the bathroom, hesitating for a moment as her hand grabbed the handle. Making sure she felt numb enough she opened the door and walked confidently into the room.

She calmly asked them if they were ready to head back yet, when they said they were she relaxed a little. She would be back on guard at the Hellmouth soon. She began questioning Willow about her summer, Oz about his band. She even asked Giles if he had gotten any new books lately and listened to his answer. Determined not to let them see what this cost
her. They wanted the old Buffy back, and she was determined to give her to them. She ignored the funny looks they gave her and the hesitation in their words until they finally relaxed and believed her. She continued the conversation as they checked out of the motel, barely giving them any time for thought. She couldn't take the chance they would try to bring up Angel. Or Xander. She needed time, the cover she had put on her emotions would only hold for so long. She wanted to be alone when she finally broke, she owed them that. They had done enough for her already. Walking to the van she even joked with Giles about his choice of rentals. Talking with Oz about his plans for the next year got her twenty miles away from Los Angeles. The look in his eyes telling her he understood what she was doing. Turning she spoke to Giles about getting started training again. He glanced over at her, his expression taunt, then relaxed. He would give her time. Making plans to get started soon, she wanted to be in top form when the next new evil settled in Sunnydale. Talking about different fighting techniques and new weapons she wanted to work got them almost all the way to Sunnydale. To Willow,
she asked her about her computer stuff, nodding at her answers, only half listening. Ignoring the mute plea on Willow's face, to say more, to tell her what she was feeling, to talk about Xander's actions. Unable to answer it she turned away. Feeling her heart beat louder in her ears as they drove closer to Sunnydale.

She managed to keep the conversation going until they reached the Sunnydale city limits, her voice fading away as they passed the welcome sign at the edge of town. Her stomach churned, she was back, surrounded again by memories of Angel, back in the place were she had betrayed him. Her heart began to race as the memory of what she had done began to play in her head. She stared straight ahead, refusing to even blink her eyes. Her fingers tapped continually on the dashboard. Counting the taps she let the sound and the numbers fill her mind until the panic faded away along with the memories. A bitter smile flitted across her face then was quickly hidden. Smiling bravely for the benefit of the other occupants of the van she counted the seconds until she was home, away from their eyes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*
PART EIGHT

Sunnydale High School Library
August 21, 1998

"So, you've got it all. Everything? Cause if we miss anything." Xander spoke in a voice that was one step away from going over the edge.  "Well, we can't miss anything." Moving erratically around the library, he was stuffing books haphazardly into his bag. Not checking to see if they were books they needed, just tossing them in. Obviously subscribing to the notion that more is always better.

"Xander." Cordelia stopped packing her bag and stared at him, understanding his behavior was due to the night ahead. She really couldn't fault him for being nervous, but unable to stop herself from speaking, "Relax, I've got everything." She supposed you couldn't relax too much when you knew you were going to hell later that day. To save someone you considered a killer. When she looked at things in that light, she was amazed he was keeping it that together. He had even
managed to wear clothes that almost matched, studying him she realized that was probably another sign of his anxiety.

"Relax?" His voice swung high, then cracked. He stared at her like she had suddenly grown another head. "I'm going to hell in less than three hours!" Throwing the book he was holding on the table and falling into one of the chairs. "Re_lax_!?"

Cordelia watched him, relieved he had finally said the words. He had been so busy last night talking about anything but the day ahead. She had tried a few times to discuss it but he had always changed the subject. Looking at him sitting there, so nervous she thought he would explode, she carefully began speaking the thought that kept running through her mind. "Don't go. " Swallowing down her nervousness she continued, "Giles said Buffy would be okay. Whistler even said he thought it would be Buffy who went. Why not wait?"

She watched him digest her words, knowing from the look of disgust that was appearing on his face that he wasn't going to go for it. She could see him thinking about her words, discounting them. Because she was Cordelia, they were probably wrong. She didn't know what else she could do to prove to him that she wasn't the same person she had been. She barely remembered who that person was. He was such a big part of the reason she had changed so much, and she had finally thought he was noticing. Swallowing the sudden rush of bitterness in her throat, she spoke again.

"Don't look at me like I'm being selfish. It's not selfish to not want your boyfriend to go to hell. It's just sane. You are not Buffy, you don't do things like this." She watched him, her eyes pleading with him to understand. To stop this here, but knowing he wouldn't. She watched him drum his fingers on the table, his body unable to be still. She forced her shoulders to relax, her lips to smile at him. She had known this wouldn't work, but she had to try it. If he felt he had to do this, she would support him. She would walk with him to the edge of hell. If he had to do this. Her voice trembling slightly she finished, "But if you have to, I won't try to stop you again."

He was silent for a moment, his eyes suddenly fascinated by the far wall. She watched the pulse in his neck throbbing and held herself back from begging him not to do it. He looked at her finally, trademark Xander grin in place, standing up he reached for her, "Think of it less like sending your boyfriend to hell and more like helping your boyfriend free yet another demon loose to roam on this planet."

Shaking her head at him, knowing he wanted her to go along with him. Pretend that this was no big deal. Summoning her courage, needing to help him through this, she answered, "Do you plan on being this witty with the devil?"

He looked at her, his face shocked, "The devil?" Dropping her hands he began pacing around the room, stopping only to look at her with disbelief, "The devil?" Breaking eye contact, he continued his almost spastic movements around the library. Pausing he stared at her again, his face questioning. "Do you think there really is a devil? The big badness. Head of all that is undead and generally nasty things?" His voice getting louder with every word. Looking around the room wildly he started pacing again. She watched him, trying desperately to think of something to say. Unable to she just stood there, waiting. Finally he came to a halt beside a chair, grimacing then smiled weakly at her. "I was thinking more along the lines of...well, some fires... a few tortured souls. But that's as far as I got. The devil?" Throwing himself into a chair he put his hands to his head, "What am I doing? I'm a coward, I have to remember that."

Slumping back in the chair he looked at her, a mixture of bravado and fear on his face. Her heart aching for him she walked over and slipped into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and held on tightly. She leaned into him, enjoying the feel of his body against hers. Trying not to think of the possibility she might not feel it again. She felt his muscles relaxing as he held her. She smiled, grateful she could be of some help to him. Wondering how she had gotten to this point, were he meant so much to her. When the thought of a future without him had become so abhorrent to her. She leaned against him, enjoying the feel of the afternoon sun streaming in through the window. He began kissing her neck and she moved her head, allowing him better access. Putting his hands on her shoulders he pulled her around until her upper body was facing his. The look on his face was intense, a young man headed off to war, not knowing if he would return. He cupped his hands softly on her face, and pulling her in began to kiss her, softly at first then harder. He kissed her with an intensity that took her breath away, her thoughts away. She kissed him back with the same fervor. A kiss between two people scared they may never kiss again. Finally breaking the kiss she ran her hand over his face, memorizing the feel of his skin under her hand. "Xander?"

"Um."

She spoke softly, not wanting to upset the fragile calm that had settled over them. "If you can't do it? If it's too hard or too scary...come back. Don't try to be a hero? Please? Promise me that?" Her voice broke on the last word but she held back her tears. Her eyes pleading with him.

He smiled softly at her, leaned forward and kissed her nose. Brushing her hair away from her face he spoke, "Promise. Cordie, I'm coming back." He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "And I'll have Angel with me." His eyes were less afraid now, more determined, the soldier from Halloween coming to the front.

Running her fingers through his hair she smiled bravely at him. Refusing to let him see the worry she was feeling. She could feel his body tightening under her as the reality of what he was doing settled in on him once more. Leaning her head against his shoulder she closed her eyes, taking a moment to memorize this feeling. Her head on his shoulder she looked up at the ceiling, trying to stop the next words out of her mouth. She knew they were selfish, unimportant, but she needed to know. Needed to prepare for every possibility. Speaking to the ceiling she started, "Why?"

Feeling him stiffen at her words she refused to look at him. She stared at the ceiling as if it held the answers she was looking for. She could feel his hesitation, knew exactly the expression on his face without looking. The patented Xander mixture of guilt and fear. She felt him take a deep breath finally and speak, "Why what?"

Smiling at his attempt to stall she spoke the words quickly before her courage ran out at what his answer may be. " Why risk it? Why not wait for Buffy? Why would you go to hell for her, to save her boyfriend? Is it because you are still in love with her?" She marvelled at how casual her voice sounded, how calm. As if his answer couldn't destroy her.  Counting the holes in the ceiling tiles to pass the time she waited.

"No. I love her, I'm not in love with her." Xander's voice was clear.

Letting out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding, she turned to face him waiting for him to continue. His eyes held hers, begging her to believe his words. She touched his face, wrinkling her nose at him. Rewarded with his smile, he began to explain. " I owe this to her. She is the slayer. She has saved us, saved the world. Now she needs something that I can give her." He paused, taking a deep breath his eyes filled with regret, "Maybe something I took from her. "

Her eyes misted at the pain and guilt in his words. Wanting to help him she slid off his lap and turning, knelt in front of him. Her hands holding his she spoke, "You did what you thought was right. You didn't do it to hurt her." Her voice was strong, the tone almost angry. She didn't wanting him running into hell on some suicide mission because he felt he had failed Buffy.

"Does that matter though?" His voice sounded so young, so broken. Looking at him, at the lines on his face, the dark circles under his eyes she realized how important this was to him. He looked at her, shoulders slumped, his face wreathed in misery, "Willow risked her life to do the curse. I decided that didn't count. Willow is my best friend and I let her risk her life for nothing." His voice faded as he spoke. His fingers were digging into her palm. She didn't move, didn't speak, just waited for him to continue.

"I did it because I lost faith in her. That's what I tell myself." He spoke in a voice laced with disgust. She tensed, knowing it was directed at himself. "But did I really lose faith? I'm not sure any more. It doesn't matter though. The result is what matters." Squeezing her hands he let them go, his eyes determined again. "I have to do this."

She let him go, realizing, maybe even more than he did, how important this was to him. Understanding that for him the pain of losing both Willow and Buffy was too much for him. She stood offered her hand to pull him to his feet. Standing he put his arms around her and rested his head against her neck. She buried her face on his shoulder, vowing to herself that she would make Willow and Buffy understand. If he failed she would do whatever it took for them to forgive him. Feeling a surge of protectiveness run through her she held on tighter, not wanting to ever let him go. Sighing, she pulled back looking into his face. Leaning into him she began to kiss his face slowly. His forehead, eyebrows, eyelids. Each kiss a promise that things would be okay. That she would make sure of it. He stood quietly, letting her kiss him without responding. She kissed his nose, cheeks, chin. Then she brushed lightly over his lips, a tiny whisper. He came alive then, his mouth searching hers, almost violently. She returned the kiss in the same fashion, understanding his need for the intimacy. They remained wrapped
in each other, neither hearing the door open or the sound of Giles feet as he walked into the library.

"Ah-hem."

They jumped apart guiltily, letting go of each other and turning to him.  Standing closely together arms at their sides. Giles glanced at them, then down at the table and all the books they had covering it. He looked to them, gestured at the table, waiting for an explanation. She felt Xander tensing beside her, so she spoke first, thinking he would want to know, but would be afraid to ask.

"How's Buffy?" Praying that it was good news, she was afraid of Xander's reaction if they hadn't been able to help her.

Giles looked at the table for a second longer, then letting it go for the moment, "Good. She's fragile, but I think in time...she will learn to deal with this." He hesitated then continued, his demeanor conveying his discomfort with his words. "X-Xander, m...maybe you should stay away from her for a while."

Xander nodded at him, grabbing Cordelia's hand. She squeezed it, trying to support him through her fingers. Feeling helpless to make this any easier for him. She waited for Xander to begin to speak, to tell Giles of their plans. When he didn't seem to do anything she opened her mouth, beginning to tell Giles, Xander's body swung around and he glared at her, his eyes telling her to keep quiet. Grabbing their bags he took her by the arm, speaking to Giles for the first time, "Right. Of course. We'll go now. Bye."

He dragged her from the library leaving Giles watching them. Once they got outside Cordelia pulled her arm free, glaring at him. "Why didn't you tell him. That was our deal. He can help us."

Glancing back towards the library he spoke angrily, "Really? Help me? Help me go to hell to save Angel. assisted, might I add, by another demon that we know nothing about. He'd never go for it."

She looked at him, seeing the new hurt on his face from Giles words. She pleaded with him, "But..."

"It's done." His voice was remote, she could feel him pulling away from her again. She shuddered, feeling suddenly chilled in spite of the afternoon sun. He continued speaking, his voice dead, "We do it tonight. If I can't get Angel, well nobody even has to know I tried. I'll tell Giles then, only then."

She stood there for a moment, trying to decide what to do. Should she go back inside and tell Giles herself, or should she honor Xander's wish. Not knowing what to do she just stood there, looking at him. He didn't move, didn't change his facial expression, nothing that would help her decide. She pictured Giles, the library, how they had always depended on him to come up with the right answers. Her mind caught, rewound, Realizing that there should be enough information on the table for Giles to figure out what they were doing. She relaxed, putting her faith in Giles that he would figure it out in time and make sure everything turned out okay. Trying to hide her thoughts from Xander she looked at the ground, answering him, "Okay."

They walked slowly down the road, away from the library. Wandering towards the park, they found a bench and sat down. Arms wrapped around each other, unable to speak any more. They waited as the afternoon faded away.



CONTINUE