Second Choice

The night air was warm and still, blanketing Sunnydale in a false sense of calm. Cordelia shivered, her uneasiness growing the closer she got to her destination. It had been so long since she had been in this town, so long since she had seen any of the people she had once denied being friends with.

Angel still came here, once or twice a year, when something too big for Buffy to handle on her own came up, but she never came with him. He had never fought her decision, which had always puzzled her, usually he was praising her research skills, and telling her what an asset she was. So why was he so willing to go alone to Sunnydale?

Buffy. The name floated through her brain, in screaming neon colors. Most of the time, she managed to forget about Angel's ex-girlfriend and the love he had felt for her. Except tonight, tonight she couldn't stop thinking about her. Buffy Summers, who had been living with Xander Harris for the last five years. The same Xander Harris who had broken her heart for the first time. The same Xander Harris who was going to do the same thing to Buffy.

Resolve tightened her jaw as her steps quickened, wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible. She had spent the last two nights lying awake thinking about it, ever since the phone call from her young cousin. Although she obviously wasn't that young anymore, she was old enough to have an affair with her boss. With Xander.

She had finally decided in the early dawn hours that she would come to Sunnydale with Angel and confront Xander. Then she would decide whether or not to tell Buffy. She told herself that she was giving Xander this
chance in memory of the love she had once felt for him, pushing to the very back of her mind the small kernel of fear that Angel would leave her if Buffy was alone.

It's been ten years, she chastised herself, Angel loves you now. Like he loved her, another voice in her head questioned. Grimacing, she broke into a slow jog, counting her steps as she ran. Over the years she had become very good at distancing herself from her thoughts, almost too good she worried sometimes. But the news from her cousin had set off alarms in her head that she couldn't ignore, something had to be really
wrong for Xander to cheat on the woman he loved more than life.

A feeling that had only intensified when they arrived at the new Slayer central, which was above the first of a chain of Health food stores Xander owned. Buffy was there waiting, along with Willow, Oz and Giles, but no Xander. She had been stuck there for over an hour, exchanging pleasantries with people she didn't know anymore before she made up an excuse to leave. Angel had been to engrossed in a discussion with Giles
to notice, and she wasn't sure if she was thankful or hurt.

Her steps slowed as she saw Xander and Buffy's house, the porch brightly lit. Chewing on her lip she made her way up the driveway, her eyes drinking in the house, remembering when she had dreamed of a home of her
own, with a white picket fence, and a big tree in the yard. Dreams she had all but forgotten when she moved to LA and fell in love with a vampire.

She was walking up the steps before she saw him, his face hid in the shadows. He nodded to her, taking a slow drink of beer before speaking. "I wondered how long it would take before you got here."

"You've talked to Callie." She stated, her eyes searching the darkness for his. "Why?"

"Why not." Xander said with a shrug, bitterness tainting the casual tone of his voice.

"You love Buffy." She whispered, moving into the shadows to sit beside him.

"And Buffy loves Angel." Xander replied calmly, like a man who has stared down the barrel of a gun too many times to be afraid anymore.

Cordelia shook her head, reaching out to grab his arm. "Xander, it's been ten years, they've moved on, we've all moved on."

"Have we?" Xander asked, lifting the beer to his lips and drinking deeply. When the bottle was empty he set it carefully on the porch beside him and picked up another one. Twisting the cap off, he offered it to her. She took it silently, unsure of what to say, she had pictured this going much differently, with tears, and promises that it would never happen again. His attitude frightened her, and her stomach rolled nervously as she sipped at her beer. He held his out to her in a toast, a bitter smile twisting his handsome features. "I've got my own business, tons of money, friends that I love, but I still haven't moved on. And neither have you."

"What are you talking about?" Irritation laced her voice as she stared at him in confusion. Why wasn't anything ever simple with him?

"Do you believe Angel loves you?" The question surprised her, and for one horrifying minute she thought he was going to tell her that Angel was having an affair with Buffy. Telling herself she was being silly, she nodded her head, for some reason unable to use words. Xander raised his eyebrows, his face full of something that looked suspiciously like pity. "What about the curse?"

"The curse is permanent." She replied, annoyance growing in her voice. "Xander, stop this. Your affair has nothing to do with Angel. Buffy loves you now. So, the question is, why would you risk losing that?"

"I slept with Callie because she wanted me. To her, I wasn't second best." His voice was still calm, but for the first time, she could hear the pain that lurked behind it. "It's hard Cordy, always being the one who loves more, always knowing that in her dreams, she's with him."

Cordelia bit her lip, remembering nights when Angel would wrap his arms tightly around her, his lips cool against her neck as he whispered the Slayer's name. She had excused it, telling herself that he couldn't control his dreams. Then she started wearing earplugs to bed, pretending that the noise of the traffic bothered her. She closed her eyes, fighting against the sudden rush of terror that numbed her limbs. "They don't love each other anymore."

"Don't be stupid." Xander said impatiently. "It's not you. Then again, neither is settling for second."

"I haven't settled." She denied hotly, standing up to leave.

Xander stared at her, his face not betraying what he was feeling. Then finally he spoke, his voice regretful. "The curse still has the clause."

She stared at him for a minute, not understanding what he was saying, and then for another minute as she tried to deny his words. Memories rushed over her, the first time she had made love with Angel, how he had pushed away her worry about losing his soul, telling her that it wasn't possible. Now, she realized he had never said the curse was permanent. She took a shallow breath, the pain constricting her chest so tight shethought she might pass out. Xander stood, his arms holding her up as she sagged against him, fat tears falling slowly down her cheeks. "How could he? I love him."

"Cordy, you must have known." Xander whispered gently, his lips pressed against her hair.

"Why should I have known? It's not like he talked about her. Why should I have known?" Her voice rose, as loud sobs broke free from her body. "I loved him. I did everything for him, researched, fought, made love..."

"It's not your fault." Xander murmured, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "We just love the wrong people."

Cordelia leaned against him, fighting to keep the last thread of control she had left. Her tears dried in long streaks on her face as she pulled away from him. She stood up, her face cold as she spoke again. "No. I'm
not going to listen to this, Angel and I are happy and you aren't going to ruin that just because life with your perfect Buffy isn't as wonderful as you had dreamed." She didn't look him in the eye as she spoke, and when she was finished, she turned and left him sitting there. She was at the bottom of the steps before she spoke again, "Don't see Callie anymore. If you do, I'll tell Buffy."

Spinning around she walked quickly down the steps, almost missing his last words. "Maybe I want you to. Maybe I need you to." She hesitated, the pain in his voice was so compelling that she almost turned around
and walked back to him. Then her shoulders straightened, and she continued on, her steps hurried as if she could run away from the words he had said.
********

For the next two months, she tried desperately to forget Xander's words, and the pain in his voice. She told herself that even if Buffy did still love Angel, Angel didn't love her.

But he did. She knew with a sickening certainty that he did. No matter how far away she tried to push it, or how gently Angel held her, she knew. It made her temper short, and the tears come easy, but she couldn't make herself walk away. She stopped eating, shopping, even talking unless someone asked her a direct question. Angel was worried about her, but not enough, not like he worried the night they got the phone call.

It was Giles, telling them that Buffy was hurt, and she was calling for Angel. In those few seconds she couldn't understand how she had ever believed he had loved anyone but Buffy. The naked terror in his eyes, the fear in his voice, all the emotions that were reserved for Buffy. They were in Sunnydale in under two hours, and at the hospital before anyone had found Xander.

Cordelia waited in the hallway as Angel went into Buffy's room. They hadn't spoken since the phone call, and as she watched him disappear behind the door, she didn't know if they ever would again. She had walked to the window once, peeking in to see Angel stroking Buffy's head gently, tears streaming down his face. Turning back around, she had met Willow's eyes, seeing the pity in them. She smiled sadly at the witch, ducking her head before anyone could see the tears. "Where is Xander?" She asked finally, unable to bear the weight of their stares.

"We're not sure." Willow admitted, her lips curling up in a sad smile. "He left her, just after you were here." She paused, looking to Oz before she spoke again. "He hasn't been around much."

Cordelia didn't reply to Willow's words, she couldn't. Xander had done it, walked away from the love of his life. She wanted to see him suddenly, wanted to know if it was worth it. Wanted to know if the pain of loving someone who didn't love you lessened if you went away. If her pain would lessen if she went away. Because he doesn't love me, she admitted to herself, playing with the words in her head, twisting them around, repeating them again and again, hoping that somehow she could live with the knowledge. She stared down at her hands, watching the tremors that racked her body with cool detachment. Her body knew, her brain knew, but she couldn't make herself accept it. So she sat in the hallway, not talking to any of them, lost in her own pain.

Eventually they had left, to find Xander they said. Cordelia had nodded, not offering to help them. She hoped that they couldn't find him, that he didn't have to look at Buffy and Angel together and see what she saw. He may have left Buffy, but he would still feel the same dagger that she had felt.

He came, of course, his eyes full of the same terror that Angel's had held. She reached out, stopping him before he walked into the room. "Xander, he's with her."

"I don't care, I need to see her." Xander insisted. She nodded, letting go of his arm and looking away as he walked into the room. There wasn't any force on earth that could make her go into that room, make her look at the love that she had pretended was hers. She just sat, staring at the tile on the floor, and waited.

When she heard the door open, she looked up, hope lighting her face as for one crazy second she thought it was Angel coming out to be with her. Paling at the look on Xander's face, she swallowed hard before forcing
the words out past the lump of fear in her throat. "Is she..."

Xander shook his head slowly, his hands clenched tightly together. "She woke up."

Cordelia looked away, tears filling her eyes. She closed them, taking slow breaths until she felt she could trust herself to speak. "That's good, isn't it?" It had to be, the faster Buffy recovered, the faster this nightmare would be over.

"She woke up and called for him, begged him not to leave her." Xander's voice was dead as if every emotion had been wrung out of him. "He told her he loved her, and that he would always be there for her."

Cordelia breathed out, her eyes closing for a moment as what was left of her heart shattered. She knew, somewhere in the back of her mind, that she should leave. Angel loved Buffy, end of story. Xander had done it,
why couldn't she? Except that Xander was back now, and he wouldn't leave her when she was hurt. "What are you going to do?"

"Do?" Xander questioned, turning to look at her. He swallowed, obviously fighting to control his emotions. Reaching up, he pressed his hands against his face before running them through his hair, nodding as if a
decision had been made. “I’m going to leave.”

At first she thought he was being sarcastic, and then as she watched him she realized he was serious. “Leave? But she's hurt.”

“She'll either get better or die no matter where I am.” He replied, the tremor in his voice taking the cruelty from his words.

“Then why did you come?” Cordelia asked him, her stomach churning with anger. She watched him, unable to hid it. He had made his decision, but she was going to pay for it. Without Xander here, Angel wouldn't leave
Buffy.

“I had to see her.” He admitted, the pain visible on his face for one quick second. “I had to know that I made the right choice.” Walking over he sat down in the chair next to her, taking her hand and holding it tightly between his. “And I came to get you.”

“Get me?” She whispered faintly, wanting to pull her hand away, but unable to.

“You have to leave him Cordy. He loves her, he's always going to love her. And it's going to destroy you.” Xander spoke calmly, insistently, his fingers gripping hers tightly.

“Don’t do this.” She whispered, pain streaking across her face. “It's late, and we're tired. It’ll be better in the morning.”

“No, it won’t.” Xander stated, the hurt in his eyes fading into blackness. “It's just going to be more of the same.”

“Stop it.” Her tone was pleading now, and she wondered dimly if she should be ashamed. She pulled her hands from his, covering her face as if she could pretend he wasn’t there.

“It's time Cordy.” Xander whispered, reaching out to peel her hands from her face.

She dropped her face into her hands at his use of her nickname, for so long she had just been Cordelia, Angel had never shorted her name, never said it in the soft tones that Xander did. “I don’t want to do this.”

“You know you have to.” Xander whispered quietly. “Maybe you could go back, maybe you could pretend that everything was perfect, but it would eat at you Cor, you're not meant to be someone's second choice. You
should be loved, we both should be loved, completely, the way they love each other.”

“What did I do wrong? I tried so hard to be everything he needed.” She whispered, ignoring the tears that ran down her cheeks.

“Nothing.” Xander said flatly. “It's not your fault.”

“Then whose fault is it?” Bitterness mixed with the pain in her voice as she stared at him, remembering how they had once been, before they both gave in to a love that wasn't ever going to be given back. “Tell me who
do I yell at? Angel? Buffy? Who?” She stood, her eyes wild as she screamed at him. “Who?”

“No one. Yourself. Me. Whoever you want to.” Xander said softly. “It won’t change anything.”

Her knees felt weak and she sank back down in the chair, knowing he was right. "I can't leave him. I love him."

"That doesn't matter." His voice was clipped, and authoritative, and she suddenly saw him as the successful businessman he was.

"I have nowhere to go," she whispered, ashamed of how little she had made of her life.

"I do, and you're coming with me." He replied, kneeling down in front of her. "That's why I’m here. We can help each other. That's what I wanted that night on the porch, to run away with you. You just weren't ready yet, and after you left, I lost hope. But we have to leave Cordy, it'll kill us if we don't."

Cordelia swallowed hard, tears welling up in her eyes. "I can't leave while she's hurt. He needs me."

"No, he needs her." Xander whispered his voice thick. "And she needs him. They're together, she'll be okay."

"It hurts." She whimpered, leaning her head on his shoulder. "I love him so much."

"I know." Xander whispered, pulling her onto the floor with him, and wrapping his arms around her. They clung to each other, crying for the love that they had never had. When they finally pulled apart she nodded, and he climbed to his feet, holding out his hand to help her up. She took it, gripping it tightly as they walked out the hospital.

They never looked back.

Angel,

It's hard to believe it's been two years since I've seen you. Did you ever think, on that night, that it was the end? I know I didn’t. But I’m grateful for Xander, grateful that he forced me to see what was right in front of me. I probably would have spent the rest of my life pretending, and being miserable and not even knowing it.

When I look back now, I don’t recognize the person I was. I’ll probably never understand how I got so lost. I don’t blame you, I did for a long time, but now I understand why you turned to me. It must have been so hard for you to look forward to the rest of your life without her, especially since you can't die and everything. When I left I didn't
think I would make it, the years ahead seemed so long, and so lonely, even though Xander was with me.

It took a long time to get over you, I spent months looking into every shadow hoping you were there. But now, finally, I am free.

Xander and I were married last night. I worried at first that we were just reaching for each other in our loneliness, but now, when I look in his eyes, I see something I never saw in yours. In his eyes, I’m first.

Cordelia.

end

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C/X Fic // Andrea Fic