Disclaimer: Xander, Cordelia, and everybody else
belong to Joss Whedon,
Mutant Enemy, and a lot of other people who aren't me. The song is 'If I
wrote you' by Dar Williams, words and music copyright by Burning Fields
Music. They are used without permission, and not for profit.
Summary: This is a response to Amy's challenge on the LWDS list. I'm a
little slow, but I finally finished. The challenge was:
1) The story should take place after Becoming 2,
but before
Anne. Sometime over the summer.
2) Harmony should be in it, and Cordelia should defend Xander
without his knowledge at the time. He can find out later, if you
so choose.
3) Xander nakedness. That's all I'm gonna say about it.
4) More than one person should see him naked.
and lastly...
5) Xander has to make some remark about the summer without
Principal Snyder, followed by a Snyder sighting outside of
school. (Note: I sorta missed this one, the Snyder sighting is in
school. Oops.)
Dedicated to Courtney and Niccy, for the help,
and for being them. And
also to Amy for issuing the challenge.
Notes: I've always been annoyed that Cordelia and Xander had no contact
over the summer after Becoming, but I guess that was just the writing on
the
wall. So I decided that even though they didn't actually talk, they spent
a
lot of time thinking about each other, and writing letters that never got
sent...
by: Andrea
And if I wrote you,
If I wrote you,
you would know me,
and you would not write me again.
Xander,
It's been two weeks since I've seen you, two weeks since I heard your voice.
I miss you. I didn't think I would, in fact I planned on not missing you.
I
thought I would get here, and meet a nice acceptable boy, one who wasn't
a
geek, and you would be forgotten.
So far, no luck. I miss your stupid jokes, and the way you look at me when
you don't think I'm looking, and I miss the way you kiss me and make my
knees tremble.
I'm never going to be able to send this letter if I keep writing sappy
things like this. Who am I kidding, I'm never going to send this, I was the
one who said no letters, even if you did seem relieved when I said it. Were
you? I just realized that I have no idea how you really felt about not
writing. It's funny, most guys I date I know exactly how they feel about
me,
but with you I'm never sure. Sometimes when you look at me, I feel like I'm
the only thing in the world for you, but other times, I can feel you wishing
I were someone else. Maybe Buffy, maybe Willow, or just maybe anyone who
was
more acceptable to your friends. I know that I spend a lot of time talking
about how it's harder for me to admit to dating you than it is for you, but
sometimes I think it's worse for you. You had to hurt Willow to date me,
and
I know that couldn't have been easy for you. See, I do notice things.
Anyway, let me tell you about the resort, it's big and beautiful, with huge
green lawns, and it's surrounded by beaches, and I wish I was home.
Seriously, they're all the same, these resorts that Daddy sends Mother and
I
to every summer so that he can do whatever it is he does. He usually comes
down for the last week in the summer, but until then Mother stays in her
room and sleeps and I sit on the beach. Listen to me, what am I complaining
for, at least my parents love me in their own, very self-involved way.
Xander, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the stuff you told me, about
your parents and what it's really like at your house. I wish I had handled
it better when you told me. I was just so shocked, I knew that your home
life wasn't the best, but I never knew that it was that bad. I'm sorry I
wasn't more understanding and for the record, your parents are idiots if
they don't realize what a wonderful son they have in you.
I guess I should ask how things are in Sunnydale. I almost don't want to
though. Has anyone heard from Buffy yet? I'm sure that she's fine, she is
the Slayer. I know, right now you're saying that she's also a person. I do
know that Xander; all I mean is that I'm sure she can take care of herself,
wherever she is.
Take care of yourself Xander, and stay inside after dark.
Cordelia
***********
Cordelia,
I know we weren't going to write each other, but I have no one else to talk
to. Giles is so worried about Buffy, we all are, but he's flying off every
other day, following every lead he gets. He's not going to find her though,
she'll come back when she's ready. Willow is still hoping that the curse
worked, and that Buffy is with Angel somewhere. I know she's not.
It's confession time Cordy; I have to tell someone. It's funny, but I
haven't even let myself think about it, not consciously, but it's always
there, when I talk to Willow, when Giles tells me to be strong, it never
leaves. So here goes... I didn't tell Buffy that Willow was trying the curse
again. I couldn't. She was finally ready to kill him and I couldn't risk
giving her hope again. I don't know if I did the right thing, maybe I
should have told her. Maybe if I had she would be here instead of wherever
she is, or maybe Angel would have won. I guess that's what happens when you
make a choice like that, you never get to know what would have been.
I've been thinking about that a lot, what might have been. What if Giles
had
never made me call you for a drive to Buffy's house when we first kissed?
Do
you think it would have happened anyway, another day, another crisis?
You've probably still wish that it never happened. I wanted the same thing
at first, I mean, Cordelia Chase? I've spent a great portion of my life
hating you, and now I don't, now I...
I'll probably never mail this letter. I'm afraid to. What if you read my
confession and then hate me? It's funny isn't it, a few months ago I would
have wanted that, I would have worked for it, but now the thought of it
makes my stomach churn. Okay, now I'm definitely never sending this. I know
you think that what we have is just a combination of hormones and the
Hellmouth, but for me it's more. Not that you need to know that, I'm sure
that, if nothing else, would send you screaming into the arms of the first
jock you could find.
It's getting dark here, so I have to go. Someone has to watch over Sunnydale
while the Slayer's gone.
Xander
*************
Xander,
You are not going to believe what the past few days have been like. I am
so
furious. Guess who showed up here yesterday, acting like she hadn't spent
the last few months trying to make my life miserable? Exactly, Harmony.
Here. At my parent's invitation no less. I guess word has been spreading
around the Country Club that I haven't been seen with the 'in' crowd lately.
As if Harmony were the 'in' crowd. She's nothing but a mean selfish, devious
little witch. Not witch in the Amy sense, I mean I won't be scurrying around
the resort looking for cheese or anything.
So anyway, she gets here, acting like we're the best of friends, going on
and on about Aurora and this college guy she's dating and how they went the
whole way. As if I care who Aurora dates, or does whatever with. So finally
I stopped her, and reminded her that she wasn't talking to me. And do you
know what she said? Of course you don't, well she said that she was giving
ME another chance, that she thought that maybe spending the summer away from
Sunnydale would bring me to my senses. She also said that she was willing
to
forgive me for dating you. Forgive me? For what? For dating a guy that I
really like, a guy who would risk his life for others, a guy who makes my
head spin when he smiles at me? So I told her that I didn't want her
forgiveness, or anything from her, and then I told her that I loved you.
It was a big shock, for me as much as her I think. I do though, I still
can't quite believe that I fell for you, or that you've managed to make me
feel things I never planned on feeling. Don't get me wrong, I still think
the way you dress is hideous and I could do without all the obsessing over
Buffy and Willow, but somewhere in spite of everything going on with Angel,
I fell in love with you. Cordelia Chase loves Xander Harris, it's sick, I
know. But, there it is.
Anyway, back to Harmony, you won't believe what she did next. I can't
believe what she did next, and I taught her every trick she knows. This
morning when I got up she was gone, and I thought she was gone for good,
but
she reappeared later in the morning, with my Mother in tow. My Mother's face
was all pale and icky, like she had been crying for hours. It turned out
that she had been, Harmony had spent the morning filling her in on my
relationship with you. Well, Harmony's version of it anyway. She actually
told my Mother that I was dating a guy who was suspected of killing his best
friend, and that he was into the occult, and a bunch of other stuff. It took
me two hours to get my Mother calmed down enough to listen to me. Then I
had
to try and explain away all Harmony's 'truths', which was no easy task, when
the truth is worse than either of them could imagine. What was I supposed
to
say, Xander didn't kill his best friend, actually his best friend was
already dead when the stake went through his chest.
I bet you didn't know I knew that. Percepto-girl strikes again. I put it
together after the Master rose, when I realized that vampires were real.
That night, after the dance, I remembered Jesse's face at the Bronze, the
night he disappeared. . I'm so sorry that happened to him, and to you. It
must have been so hard for you. You were really close to Jesse's parents,
weren't you? And you can never tell them what happened to Jesse. God,
Xander, I hope that you realize that what happened to him wasn't your
fault.
So, back to Harmony, after I had managed to half convince my Mother that
you
weren't a psycho, Harmony took off for the beach. I followed her, not the
best idea I've ever had. Anyway, I think we're done now, there is no way
to
go back from the things we said to each other. You'd be happy though; I even
defended your choice of clothes.
I know, me defending you, what can I say, it's been a crazy day. Harmony's
going home tomorrow, so I have that to be thankful for.
And now I've written another letter I can't send. I know you aren't looking
for love, at least you're not looking for it from me. So don't worry, I'm
not going to get all mushy and sweet. When I get back, I'll still be the
same old Cordy, and you'll never suspect how I feel.
But I'll know.
Cordy
***********
Cordy,
I miss you. I expected to miss you when you first left, but you've been gone
a month now, and it's not any better. It feels strange, like there's a piece
of me missing. I spend most of my time with Willow and Oz, and they're such
a couple. I'm the third wheel now, when I used to be the most important
thing in Willow's life. She's been my best friend since we were five, and
now I can't help but feel like she's slipping away from me. You know, I can
almost hear you complaining that I never talk about anything but Willow,
unless of course, I'm talking about Buffy. It's true, I do talk about them
a
lot, but they've been everything to me over the last two years. Until you.
My first enemy, my tormenter, the girl I was never, ever, going to get.
Except I did. I don't know for how long, or even if you've already forgotten
me. I hope you haven't. But, I'm preparing myself for the worst. Funny
really, how can I even think that losing you would be worse than what we've
already been through? It would be though, because you're mine. Not that I
own you, no one could own you. It's more that you want to be with me, maybe
you say that it's hormones, and maybe it is, but either way, you want to
be
with me. I've never had that before.
Before you say it, I will, I know that Willow wanted more from me, I always
knew. I just never knew what I was supposed to do about it. But it isn't
the
same as what we have, it never could be and not only because I don't feel
that way towards her. It's because Willow doesn't actually see me, not the
real me, not the way you do. She has her fantasy version of me, and anything
that doesn't fit, she doesn't look at. You do, you may hate it, but you
don't pretend you didn't see.
Telling you about my family was the hardest thing I've ever done. My hands
were sweating the whole time I was speaking, you knew, you had to, you were
gripping my hands so tightly. I want to thank you for that night Cordy, for
the way you listened, and how you didn't try to make me feel better about
my
parents. You just sat with me. I almost told you I loved you that night.
Almost. I chickened out at the last minute, because once you say it, you
can't take it back. And I was afraid that if I said the words, you would
leave me. Sometimes, when I think of the look in your eyes that night, I
think you would have stayed. The rest of the time, I'm sane, and I know you
would have left.
Things are okay here, there hasn't been much vampire activity. Which is a
good thing, because there's only Oz, Willow and me to fight. Giles is
getting a little better now, he seems calmer, or maybe he's just resigned.
I
don't know what to say to him, I can't tell him I think Buffy's coming back,
because I don't. Not yet anyway. I'm mad at her. That's the first time I've
admitted it. I'm mad at Buffy. She left us here, on the Hellmouth, and she
hasn't even bothered to let us know that she's okay. Now I feel guilty,
because what if she isn't okay, what if killing Angel was too much for her?
What if that is my fault?
I wish you were here Cordy.
Love,
Xander
************
Xander,
I went on a date last night. There, I said it. I went out with a very rich,
very hot guy who my parents' picked out for me. It was the perfect evening,
dinner at a nice restaurant then dancing. And I feel horrible. I spent the
whole night wishing I was with you, cringing at your dancing, and hiding
my
smile at your stupid jokes.
I don't even know if I was cheating on you, we didn't make any promises to
each other when I left. But I'm hoping you're waiting for me, and maybe even
missing me a little. Who am I kidding, Buffy's probably back by now, and
you're helping her get over Angel. Sometimes I think I hate her, and not
just because of how you feel. It's not even that she let her boyfriend run
around killing people for months because she loved him too much to kill him.
Although I think that should be reason enough. I think it's that in some
ways I'm jealous. She's got this confidence that I envy. I know, me, not
confident? But I'm not, I know I'm beautiful, but that doesn't count for
everything. She's got you, and Willow and Giles, and even though I hate to
admit it, there's no one who cares for me like that. There's something
between you that I can't touch, or even be part of, and it hurts. It's
stupid to blame Buffy for it, I know that, but still...
Can you even remember what life was like before she came? It seems like a
fairy tale now. Once upon a time we believed it when they told us kids had
run away, or that the new doctor had gone back to LA without giving any
notice, or the bank manager had been transferred. Do you ever think about
them? The people who died, or worse, got vamped? I wonder how many people
we
know were killed. Do you remember Mrs. O'Reilly, from third grade, and how
she didn't come back after spring break? Everyone said that she had run off
with some man, but I don't think she did. My mother used to forget to pick
me up sometimes, and Mrs. O'Reilly would always let me wait with her. Did
you know that her husband used to come pick her up everyday? He would walk
into the room, and her face would light up and she would run to him, and
he
would hold onto her so tightly. She never would have left him Xander, not
of
her own free will.
I hope you're safe, and happy, and maybe just a little lonely. Only three
weeks until I'm home.
I love you.
Cordy
***********
Cor,
I'm dropping out of school. I have no choice. There are some humiliations
a
guy can handle, getting dumped, wearing a speedo, eating a pig, but some
things are just too horrible.
I guess I should start at the beginning. Willow, Oz and I were sitting in
the library, waiting for Giles to get back from his latest rescue mission,
and I had to be the idiot, and make some stupid comment about how lucky we
were that we hadn't been bothered by Herr Snyder all summer. When will I
learn that as soon as you mention someone they appear? But that's later,
so
back to the library, Willow starts in about Buffy, and how school's starting
soon, and that she should be back before then. Not that it matters for
Buffy, cause Snyder apparently expelled her the night she killed Angel. Not
such a great night for the Buffster. Anyway Willow has this grand plan, some
spell she found, that she thinks will make Buffy come home. Don't ask me
how, I sort of tuned out that part. All I know is that I ended up coated
in
some stinky liquid when her beaker exploded. She's lucky I wasn't burnt by
the stuff.
Long story short, I headed to the showers to get cleaned up. And I'm there,
in all my naked glory, when guess who walks in? Snyder! Followed by the
entire Freshman class! There was much giggling and pointing and some very
unmanly cowering in the corner. That part was done by me of course. Snyder
then took the opportunity to not spare me any further humiliation by
detailing exactly how unlike I was to anyone they wanted to be. Like that
was hard for them to tell? I was in the school shower in the middle of
summer, how cool can that be?
Willow and Oz actually laughed when I told them the whole story, which
shouldn't surprise me, cause usually people do find my pain rather amusing.
You wouldn't though, would you? No, you would probably be to busy finding
the minimum safe distance from the now even less cool guy that you dated.
Maybe that's not fair. You did stand up to Harmony and the other sheep for
me. Have I ever told you how proud, happy and shocked I was that day? I
doubt it, we both tend to shy away from things that may involve admitting
that we mean more to each other than smoochies. I was though. I thought I
had lost you, and whatever it was we had, and then there you were, telling
off Harmony and coming back to me.
It's only two weeks now until you're back. Fourteen days until I get to see
you. Or maybe longer, cause I won't be at school. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm
Xander Harris, I live for humiliation, and if it means seeing you, then I'll
be at school. You're worth the humiliation.
I love you.
Xander
************
Xander,
I'm home! So why am I writing you? Why can't I just pick up the phone and
call? I tried, I even got halfway through dialing your number before I hung
up. You're probably dating someone new, maybe you're dating Buffy. I hope
you're very happy with her, even though she'll dump you as soon as someone
more exciting comes around. What am I doing? I'm insane. Why would you date
Buffy when you could have me? But you would. Cretin. What am I doing falling
in love with you? Why didn't this summer cure me?
I can't wait for school. Which should tell you just how crazy I've gone.
It
took me three hours to decide what to wear tomorrow, and it's all because
of
you. Why should I care what I look like when you'll be wearing yet another
fashion don't?
I do though. I keep thinking of something you said a while ago, after Angel
turned, that all my clothes looked trampy. Which they don't. But then again,
I'm wearing a nice conservative outfit tomorrow just so you won't think
that. And I care why?
Because I love you. Because I don't have anything to offer you like Buffy
does, or Willow does. Because the only thing I can give you is me, and
somehow I doubt that's enough.
Okay, this has got to stop. I'm Cordelia Chase, and I don't care what guys
think of me, especially dorky guys like you. Even if I love them. So I'm
wearing the most revealing thing I have to school and I don't care what you
think about it.
Do you really think I'm trampy? I'm not. I know I've dated a lot of guys,
but they didn't mean anything, they were just accessories, so that everyone
would know how popular I was. How worthy I was. Now the people I care about
most think less of me because of them.
I'm wearing the conservative outfit. Not because of you though.
I love you Xander.
Only twelve hours to go.
Cordy
*************
Cordy,
Only ten more hours. I actually admitted to Willow tonight how excited I
am
to see you. How far I've come. How far we've both come. Except tomorrow
you'll probably blow past me without a second glance, telling all your
little friends how this summer has cured you of me. Or maybe you won't even
bother because you'll have forgotten me all together, blocked it out along
with the other horrors of the Hellmouth.
Please don't have. I need you Cordy, Buffy's still not back, I don't even
know if she's ever coming back. Willow, Oz and I have been patrolling, but
it's not the same. We don't get every vamp, or even most of them, and we're
not Slayers. What if Willow gets hurt? Or someone gets killed? It was
different when Buffy was here, she's made for this stuff. We're just simple
humans. And a werewolf.
But we have to do it, someone has to or else Sunnydale will be full of dead
bodies. How could she leave us?
Why haven't you called me? I know you're home, I saw your lights on when
I
was walking home tonight. And you don't have to say it, I know that your
house is not on my way home. I just wanted to know that you were there and
safe. Maybe I should call you? No, you'll think I'm pathetic.
I can't wait to touch you, kiss you. I can't wait for you to insult me, and
then look at me with that little grin that takes the sting away. I can't
believe I still miss you this much when you're only on the other side of
town.
The minute I see you tomorrow, I'm taking you in my arms and making you
forget whoever it was that you fell for this summer. Of course, I'll fail,
because I'm not supposed to have someone like you.
It was good while it lasted.
I love you Cordelia. Please, please, don't have met someone new.
Xander
~fin